Chairman’s xi vs President’s xi - Match Report

Chairman’s 194 (Stephen 47, Mackie 40something) President’s 195-7 (Culham 55*) Man of the match: Culham

Chairman’s: Fudge, Goulborn, Davies, Mackie, Hibberd, Stephens, High+, Tughral, Whinney, Nichols, Soppitt, Cameron, Ford

President’s: Ewen, Smith, Moore, Kamran, Lofting, Sissen, Culham, Clark+, Ewen, Godhania, Unsworth, Collier

Chairman’s xi vs President’s xi – or why you can’t beat experience

ex·pe·ri·ence // Pronunciation Key [ik-speer-ee-uh ns] noun, verb, -enced, -enc·ing. knowledge or practical wisdom gained from what one has observed, encountered, or undergone: a man of experience.

Saturday’s game was a classic match up between youth and experience. The youth, as is their wont, were keen to teach the old fellas a lesson and talked loudly of it. The Experienced were stoic but ready. This year the fashion has been for “vintage” cricketers to play on a Wednesday, leaving the youngsters to do much of the work while the rheumy eyed and stiff hamstringed occupy the close catching positions and hope that the ball goes elsewhere. Saturday though saw a stiffening of the sinews, not hamstrings, a summoning up of the blood, the action of the Tiger was imitated and the eye, not rheumy, was lent a terrible aspect.

There’s nothing like an inter-club match to get the juices flowing. It’s all very well sledging in a league game, but if you are reduced to enquiring who consumed all the meat-filled pastry comestibles because you don’t know much about a bat and have to settle for poking fun at his rotundity it’s not much fun. It’s so much more fun when you know the oppo, their foibles, their mental strength (or lack of it) and tensions are high because there are people you don’t want to get out to under any circumstances…

In the red hot environment of Saturday’s encounter only clear heads and low pulse rates would survive. And any mental frailty was to be ruthlessly exploited. Sissen had banked on experience to pay dividends, and, when the chips were down (poker, not potato) one of the wisest heads in the club eased the old guys to victory after a spirited declaration from Chairman Nips at 193-9 left 49 overs to chase down the target.

And all this in the face of terrible provocation. With Ford, Whinney and Tughral to defend the total (not to mention Soppitt, Cameron, Nipples and even Hibberd on show), the youngsters were confident that they would clean up and that the Chairman would take the spoils for the third straight year. In fact a bet was loudly announced round about teatime. It went like this. Kamran would top score for the President. If he didn’t make a ton then that would be that. The next highest score would be byes… money exchanged hands. This was a jab in the ribs that All the President’s Men could not ignore. The bet was loudly discussed in the changing room and steely resolve was the order of the day. But more of this later.

The Chairman won the toss and decided to let his boys set a total. This caused much grumbling in the older camp as only Ewen Jr and Runsworth are in their 20s, Kamran round about the 30 mark and the next youngest in the side could very well have been Clark. At 39 Clark still has a bit of nip in the legs on some Saturdays, but a lengthy binge on Friday down on the South Coast had rendered him unable to operate heavy machinery and it’s a moot point whether he should have driven to the ground never mind donned the ‘keeping gauntlets. The thought of these venerable Gentlemen, four of them having raised their bats for a half century of years in 2007 or before, chasing the leather and cork caused much amusement.

But little leather was chased. A very tight start for The President came from openers Ewen Jr and MS. It is some time since your correspondent has played in the same side as Ewen and he had forgotten the sheer pace that the impossibly tall and incredibly ginger one can generate. He was sphincter-looseningly fast.

Clark had a torrid time behind the timbers, rendered less mobile than Heather Mills McCartney at a barn dance by the previous day’s over indulgence, he was pinged on the left little finger (pre-broken a couple of weeks ago in a keeping accident) by an early leg side delivery. He had his right hand so bruised in taking some deliveries that were “left” by the openers that after a couple of overs he was thoroughly miserable and praying for someone to actually middle the ball so that he didn’t have to take anything. Sadly this did not occur much and he found himself taking a series of balls over head height and scrabbling around on the floor picking up spilled takes.

Fudgey and Golby opened up against this threatening barrage. With MS keeping it tighter than Luciano Pavarotti’s coffin lid at the other end but at least not threatening serious injury it was clear which end the batsmen preferred. Golby mentioned, after one LBW shout, that his pads were inadequate for this level of cricket. Fudgey lofted a few into the on side and even middled an off drive, but eventually succumbed clipping one too many up into the air.

Davies came, looked Daviesish for a while, but played down the wrong line to one of MC’s arm balls following the end of Lofting’s spell. Pouched at first slip he was replaced by Mackie. Golby played some crashing off and cover drives and looked in fine nick but was undone eventually in a way that has escaped me. Mackie too was in top form and together with Stephens scored heavily. Kamran bowled beautifully to both of them and was unlucky not to take a hatful of wickets.

This was the most profitable partnership of the match for The Chairman. Stephens, although he played and missed occasionally to Kamran, hit the ball as hard as usual at both ends and threatened to take the game away. However he was undone by Unsworth – who bowled beautifully – who found his edge. Clark made a hash of two attempts to catch the ball and finally managed to get a glove under the third attempt to send him back. High was quickly undone three balls later (quack – another duck tax victim) dismissed by the same bowler / keeper combination although Clark decided that the Custardo the Clown routine was a little bit outré and caught it first time on this occasion. Mackie also finally perished around this time lobbing a catch to Moore in the ring. Which is not a medical, but geographical, description.

Nicholls came and went, much to everyone’s amusement, dismissed by the returning Godhania who bowled very well for someone who had not picked up a ball in anger for 18 months. He removed a couple of others too, probably Hibberd and Tughral. Jimmy C and PE Man then added a valuable 20 or so and the declaration came with 9 down and after 46.5.

Tea was the usual, but with smaller quantities, DBW concentrating on the barbecue to the detriment of mid game snackage volume. Shocking. 5.

So then that bet was made. That bet was made in full hearing of the older gentlemen. And that’s the difference between youth and experience. Do you remember the story of Icarus? Icarus and old man Icarus (Daedalus) were in chokey courtesy of King Minos. Things looked bleak with no chance of parole etc. Now Daedalus was an inventor cove. He had access (unexplained by the source I consulted) to wax, feathers, something that could be used as a frame and some straps.

That’s pretty lucky in a prison. Perhaps, as it was pre the post office there was little use for sewing mailbags so they were busy stuffing pillows and making candles. Whatever. Daedalus made a couple of pairs of wings and handed a set to Icarus. The wings worked. They were able to put them on, flap about a bit and escape gaol. Pretty crap guards you might think. How could they NOT spot some old geezer knocking up the wings? And when the two of them started flapping around like sneezing turkeys in a Bernard Matthews plant worried about what the man with the stun gun was doing, surely SOMEONE would notice? Nope.

Anyway, Daedalus mentioned in no uncertain terms that it would be unwise for Icarus to fly too close to the Sun. Experience told him that flying too high and too close to the Sun would melt the wings. Did Icarus pay attention? No, he soared impetuously, the wings melted and he spiralled down into the sea and drowned. For flying too close to the Sun, read bet about runs and byes. IcaFudge was about to part with £5… That’s not to say that the bet was poorly judged. In fact after about 20 overs it looked like a nailed on cert. The Chairman opened up with the old ball and an all spin attack, rotating himself, Zam and Delboy for 18 overs. In tragic circumstances Smudger left one from Nipples only to have his stumps rearranged. Ewen Sr, his eyes lighting up like a pinball machine at “TILT” was hit on the back leg and perished LBW to the same bowler. Moore didn’t survive long either (memory fails me). Only Lofting and Kamran looked at ease.

In fact Kamran was leathering the ball all over the oval again and proceeded quickly to thirty-something in some style. Nipples turned to the new ball and Whinney. Kamran wasn’t made aware that it had been taken and Whinney’s first ball bouncer came on too quickly and he spliced a pull to square leg. Matty D. Strawberries. When Lofting then creamed a long hop from Ford to Zam on the edge of the square the President’s Men were in some trouble at 70ish for five.

Voices on the balcony offered scorn. The younger generation felt that the game was there to be taken. However it wasn’t. Culham and Sissen together could offer a great deal of experience and went about their business with some authority. There was plenty of time left in the game and both set about the target with great gusto. The Lord absolutely SMASHED Ford back over his head to the Kingsfield end, the ball crashing into the sightscreen, and while Zam twirled away he couldn’t rid the youngsters of either.

There was cheerful talk on the sidelines of the President having enough batting to make 194 with ease. When Sissen eventually perished Clark joined Culham and together they brought the rate down to four and below with some excellent attacking cricket, a few boundaries and some well run ones and twos. When Clark perished naffly patting one back to Whinney, only 20 or so were required and Ewen Jr accompanied the Lord right through to the penultimate over when the winning runs were struck. Culham had reached a well deserved 55* and delivered victory on a plate.

And that was that. Experience, in the form of Culham and Sissen in particular triumphed. Culham’s innings was a fine effort. Despite his bat containing so much retaining metal that he couldn’t take it onto an aeroplane and much muttering about age this was the stand-out performance of the day. Without his stickability for the lower order to play around him this could very well have been a humiliating third reverse for Bobby. It’s a shame he has all but hung up his boots. What with his MOM on tour and this, he is growing in most estimations despite the progress of time… Awards were handed out in the form of nasty drinks, Fudgey’s backfiring bet ensuring one of the most unpleasant fell to him. DBW’s Barbie was better than his tea, we ate and drank our way through Keith and Bobby’s generous bar and food tabs and, once again, it was a painful dawn which greeted Wickman on Sunday morning. Thank heavens the season is over. He’s not sure his liver could take another month.