DUCKING THE ISSUE...

2ND XI SET NEW DUCK TAX RECORD, AS STOKE & OXTED CLINCH PROMOTION TO DIVISION 4!!

Result: Godalming CC - 2nd XI win 50 overs+bonus by 125 runs

Date: Sat 21st Aug 2010 @ 13:00

Ground: Hampton Wick Royal CC

Type: League : Division 5 - 2nd XI

There is an old saying that goes "In this world nothing is certain but death and duck taxes". A profound statement, wisely spoken however sadly no longer applicable in a world that continues to struggle with it's fierce financial foe. Like many things, Duck Tax was not recession proof and was abolished by founder Nick Clark in 2006. Luckily for some, especially the HWRCC 2nd XI, whom on Saturday 21st August 2010 would have set a NEW duck tax record, with no fewer than 6 contributing players.

People not up to speed on promotion pushes or top of the table clashes would have been forgiven for thinking that Saturday's match was a dead rubber, with both teams having very little to play for. However it was anything but a meaningless game and one that the 2nd XI had to win and win well if they were to apply any pressure on the top two teams in the league.

With 3 games left and the 2's having to win-in and rely on either Stoke or Oxted slipping up, we welcomed an ageing Godalming side to the WICK.

I mentioned above a quote that detailed two of life's certainties. One other I forgot to mention is the certainty that come the month of August of any year and despite lofty league positions, the WICKS availability becomes the weakest it has been all season and many other teams carefully manipulate the league rules to ensure they either continue their push for promotion or guarantee their survival from the drop. Godalming fighting for the later called on the services of former 1st XI captain John Milner, opening bat Tom Hickey and new ball bowler Sam Tunbridge all of whom were miraculously dropped from 1st XI duties JUST before making their 12th appearance for that side and therefore freeing them up for 2nd XI selection. You know, just in case the situation should call for it!! Our friends at the top of the league did a similar thing, with Stoke's Will Frost bagging 12 wickets in 5 league games having been "dropped" from the 1's.

In a nut shell the rules say that if you have played 12 games (two 3rds of the season) for a higher team, you can't play in a lower side for the remainder of the season. Hence week 11 becoming the most pivotal weekend of the season and one that has drawn recent (half way through this sentence) comparisons to the January transfer window in football. Technically these sides are doing nothing wrong and if the WICK were blessed with better availability and more players of a higher calibre that could drop down a side and make a real difference, then we would probably entertain doing the same, however it does make me sit and wonder if the rules could be different and these dramatic end of season changes could be avoided?

Back to Saturday's game and a brief summary of the "duck debacle". Winning the toss and bowling 1st the WICK dismissed all but the experienced Mr Milner for 174. A good effort but probably 50 runs too many having had Godalming at 96/6. Webster and Lown bowled well, whilst the others; Fudge, Donnelly, Marfleet & Cole struggled with rhythm and although their figures read well, we felt we had got away with a few and stemmed the flow b taking wickets on a regular basis. The fielding was bright on a dull and dreary day with Soppitt's catch providing a particularly early and very memorable ray of light. 27 extras also stood out, with Fudge being the main culprit, struggling to control the swing and despite the whole team telling him to slow down, still trying to bowl to fast. Fudge who only bowled for the 1st time in week 11 of the season, (see what I did there?) is perhaps wishing he hadn't! That way he would have spared this side the erratic spells he has subsequently subjected them too in recent weeks.

Looking back, tea should have given us an early indication of what our batting was likely to resemble. DBW is himself coming to the end of a long hard season and it was reflected in his culinary calamity. Lacking in both quality and quantity, even the egg mayo lacked guts and application something that would go on to sum up our batting display. 5/10.

I am loathed to call our run chase, "a chase". In order to chase something you at least have to fake a start, leave with intent and even threaten to break sweat. This was definitely not a chase. Godalming bowled well and held their catches but even they would agree that very limited skill was required on their part. Take the opener, Linegar for example. He must be 50 if he is a day and whilst he is wholly accurate his slow, left arm dobbers are crying out to be hit into the middle of next week. He is the type of bowler that if you faced him in the nets you would only get one ball every 5 or 10 minutes from. Not because of an exhausting run up, or because that's all he would require to hone his skill but because that's how long it would take him to fetch the ball from the other side of the park. Yet on Saturday we proceeded to play him as if he were Wasim Akram and as wickets fell quicker than Diversity on wet stage, this was never going to be our day.

So we crumbled to 49. The lowest WICK total this correspondent can remember in 18 seasons at the club. As a side we can only apologise to the WICK balcony faithful, whom if they had paid to watch such a heartless performance would have been banging on the home dressing room door and demanding their money back. The fact that they just quietly drank up and left shortly after stumps spoke louder than of any amount shouting or banging would have done.

The 2nd XI are guaranteed to finish 3rd in 2010 and despite this being a massive disappointment it is still an improvement on last years 4th place. Cricket is a game of stats yet some of ours just don't seem to add up. In the 8 games played against the top 5 teams in the league we have only lost 1. 5 wins (including a double over potential champions Stoke) and a winning draw meant we should have achieved more than we have this season. Points lost against Godalming (twice) and Old Paulines at home leave a bitter taste in the mouth but they will be the reason why we haven't progressed another run up the ladder.

We wish both Stoke & Oxted lots of luck in Division 4. Oxted are a proper cricket team whom deserve their promotion and are clearly capable of challenging for honours higher up. Therefore, maybe I should re-phrase that sentence and send all the luck to Stoke! The boys from D'Abernon are a nice bunch, who wouldn't say boo to a goose but without a doubt they were the weakest team we faced this year. Which leaves me scratching my head, thinking that something fishy must be going on...!! THATS IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't have the prawns!!

WICK

And Something Slightly Less Rare...

The Old Charlie High duck fella... QUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!

Wick win to set up end of season crunch game

Wick Vs SRK
Singh, Lloyd, Crane, Tughral jnr, Davies jnr, Cameron, Copeland jnr, Copeland snr, Austin, Unsworth, Lown

SR&K 139 all out from 50 overs Wick 143 for 7 from 36 overs(ish)

There have been many an occasion this season when either the bowlers or the batsmen have had a shoddy day at the office but usually one is better than the other.
A frustrating day in the field occurred on Saturday when it seemed that the oppo were just going to throw the bat and see what happened.

It transpired that this proved a successful tactic and to the dismay of the wick men in the field, SRK managed to edge, slap, tickle and generally basil their way to 139 despite the efforts of Harmy and Krusty who in truth didn’t bowl badly at all and took the opening pair between them, bowled and caught by Davies Jnr respectively.
Granted we helped them out a bunch by dropping 4 catches but they certainly seemed to have had their wheat-a-bix that morning. The big swinging (not hitting) number 3 in particular rode his luck before being caught by Zo at 2nd fly Gully off Jimmy C.

We eventually had them 8 down for 90 runs but that is where we let them off the hook.

Frustration set in big time as in the same over a yorker from leggsy was diverted off middle stump by the batsmans foothole (sorty it out groundsman!, no one likes to have one foot in a trench whilst standing at the crease!) and then 2 balls later he skied one which was dropped.

The fug of frustration was lifted momentarily when Cranesy mid over was chirped by Leggsy from square leg “Ahh, well bowled their Lofting” and then drew an edge with the next ball. Nice!

139 all out from 50 overs and the oppo could be suitably happy with themselves.

Now I may cause some controversy here because previous scribes have suggested that the teas warranted a 9 this week and one can see why. However, I will forever be put off the Chicken Tikka sandwich filler by Jimmy C’s unfortunate mid game faecal eruption 2 Sundays ago. In addition, whilst I believe that fruit (watermelon and strawberries in particular) should be a mainstay of any high scoring tea it was brought to my attention that single cream just doesn’t work. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not a dairy fan by any means- it’s all cow juice to me but even I know single cream doesn’t work with fruit!.-7

Nathan and Lloydy opened the batting and the former looked intent on playing the bowler’s in-swinging yorker off his legs, tried twice, missed twice and was bowled at the second attempt.

Cranesy to the crease, new wand in hand, full of promises of runnnnss. Sadly watched Nathan too intently and fell to a second ball duck. Zippy and Lloyd steadied things up and played themselves in before Lloyd mistimed one and skied it to cover to bring Davies Jnr to the crease and the fireworks began.

Having turned up late and been sent out to forage for white trousers in the dressing room (his had been used as a feline litter tray liner apparently) M Davies the younger quickly found his timing and unleashed a succession of boundaries which racked up the score quickly. Zo got a nasty lbw decision, apparently, so our resident Steven Seagal fan was sent in to keep Jnr company.

Jnr eventually fell for 38 but the damage was done. Harry resumed the batting form he showed before his holiday, to take us through the winning draw total with a succession of identical cover drives off the returning opening bowler. Each one heralding by a louder “Shaaaaattttt” from the growing crowd on the sideline.
Harry was soon replaced LBW by Tony to see off the total with a 4 down to the score board.


So where does that leave us? Well we are in the promotion spot, 3 points clear of Battersea, with, you guessed it…. Battersea to play this coming weekend! A win is needed and a win is what we will get. We all need to step up to the plate in a big way for this winner takes all game and there is no room for a scrappy performances.

BELIEVE!

Chobham Vs Wick. 3's lose it... but win it.

Risman, Lloyd+, Singh, Crane, Robinson, Linter, Cameron, Austin, Parkes, Unsworth, Lown
Chobham 74 all out Wick 75 for 7

With the disappointment of an abandoned game against Woodmanstern when the top 3 all played and won there was a need to pick ourselves up, win our final 3 games and leave the rest to fate. We went into this game (in Chertsey of all places) sat in 4th place with rumours abound of malpractice with a certain team in the league and with promotion still a genuine possibility. Availability again caused issues but not so much that we weren’t able to field a decent side.

On arrival at the rec in Chertsey we were greeted by a hard bowling track, short boundary and slow outfield. Capt Lloyd prayed to win the toss and bowl knowing full well that we have the best bowling attack in the league even with a couple missing. Fact!. “heads please”… tails it is….”We’ll have a bat” said the burly South African captain as he handed me a team sheet with 5 under 16’s on it. I had to bite my tongue or would have blurted out “Are you sure?” but anyway.

Harmy and Krusty opened up and the pitch revealed its true colours with inconsistent bounce, a nice big crack on a length and the windy, over cast conditions providing some lovely movement. Junaid would have cleaned em up in the 1st over Fact! But as it was we had to wait for Harmy’s second before the opener played over a Yorker and uprooted his middle stump.
The second opener stayed about for a little longer and provided a low chance to Lloyd behind the stumps who couldn’t quite squeeze enough fingers beneath the ball to hold on to it. But it wasn’t long (2 balls in fact) before a Lown inswinger found his edge, Crane protected the family jewels and snaffled the chance at 1st slip. He still waited to be given the finger by the ump though which was odd. But walk he did in the end.

Harmy and Lown bowled a lovely opening spell for very little runs and looked likely to take a wicket every ball. Their 2 large SA players were at the crease but struggled to get the ball off the square until frustration set in and the skipper was bowled by Lown. Unsworth replaced Harmy and kept it toight like a toiger, bowling with a massive about of swing and seam movement including a peach that seamed back off a length from outside off, cutting the batsman in half between bat and body and flying away for a cupla bye’s.

Leggsy got the other big SA player in his next over though, drawing an edge which looked to be flying over the keeper till Lloyd dived and got enough on it to project it skyward for Crane to catch comfortably at slip. Teamwork. Perfect!. Robinson in particular was pleased as Crane is in his fantasy team and Lloyd isn’t. Basil.

Chobham didn’t really have much left after that with a succession of youngsters coming to the crease. With Leggsy on fire and Jimmy C bowling nicely having replaced Lown at the other end it was a matter of time really. Two of the Chobham youth decided to close their eyes to length balls from Leggsy and had their stumps removed despite their umpire asking us to bowl slower. (What? so you can hit it?!) and the innings was mopped up by Jimmy C at 3:25 pm, all out for 74 and the Wick were eying an early trip to the bar.

Teas- Disappointing both on quantity and quality. Cheese and ketchup in a sandwich is something I haven’t experience since primary school and probably something one should never experience, coupled with the dried pastry selection of mini sausage rolls and vol-au vents was a bit too much- 3

Now looking at this score card the casual observer may say we thought we had won already but someone once said “You don’t score until you score!”. And we made a genuine hash of chasing this total which should have been done inside 20 overs.
My mistake was changing the batting order (school boy error!) to give a few people a game who hadn’t bowled.

Crane opened up with Riso and the former set about the total with his usual explosive style, smashing 12 off the young openers 1st over. The other opener- big SA no2, was a revelation with the ball. Pace, bounce, aggression, swing and seam made him very difficult to score off. Had fitness been one of his strong points and had he been able to maintain his pace for a few more overs and we would have REALLY struggled as opposed to just struggled. As it was he bowled Riso for a duck and Crane for 26 the next over and set about tormenting Robbo and Nathan until the latter fell LBW for another duck and all of a sudden 75 looked a massive score.

Lloyd joined Robbo and attempted to steady the ship but struggled for timing against the slow bowler before getting frustrated and bowled ATS.
Linter was sent in to slap a few ad Linter does but taking a leg guard and forgetting to move your feet is never a good option and he fell for a golden the very next ball.
If ever you needed a knurdler it was now and Jimmy C showed his experience and did his job well.
Squeaky bum time occurred though, when Robbo bottom edged a wide one which bounced off the slips ankle and looped up to the bemused keeper and then Harmy edged to the keeper with his second ball.
Parkesy and Jimbo saw us home though, both playing with composure and a fair amount of belief .

A good game all in all, with some very tight bowling from both teams. The Chobham youth policy holds some promising young players and it is a bit of a shame (for them) that they didn’t have quite enough experience in the side to balance them out or this game could have quite easily gone pear shaped for us.
20 points is 20 points and they do say that if you can play badly and still win then that’s the sign of a strong team.
Back at the Wick, Leggsy bought a jug for Michelle avoidance and Lownsy bowled superbly for his 3 wickets.

Results from the weekend went as well as they could have for us, with Battersea losing to Staines and an 8 man Old Tiffs being beaten by Woking. The Wick now needs to win our last 2 games and see what happens.
In the words of a certain team member a whole lot of belief is needed….and strong availability of course.

3XI match report and other ramblings

HWRCC 3XI Vs Wallington
Risman, Doddy, Crane +, Hirsch, Cameron, Lloyd, Kennedy, Parkes, Nicholls, Taylorson, Laight
HWRCC - 265-8 off 45 overs. Wallington - 150 (odd) all out

Our report this weekend begins on Friday at 4pm when my manager declared that we had had a good week and therefore should be rewarded so off to The Griffin we went for beers and scantily clad lovelies.

On the way… “Cranesy, Im on the way to the pub!”.
“ Really its 4pm…. which one?”.
“Griffin!”…
”I’ll meet you in 5 minutes”.
And from this point onward it went downhill in a big way. Having had a pint, been robbed of a fiver and decided that my secretary was a little uncomfortable with the naked lovelies everywhere, we departed for happy hour at another bar and devoured their stock of chilled Peroni before embarking on the train journey to Wimbledon (via the Golden Arches of course).

After a cheeky redbeer in the Walkabout we cracked on to our bar of choice to meet the rest of the crowd. Jaegerbombs were the drink of choice washed down with ample vodka redbulls.

Next Morning:
Cranesy - “Errr…. What happened last night? I remember nothing from about 11 onwards!.”
Lloydy-“ No idea… I just woke up in my mums spare room grinding my teeth with a dog between my legs” (a Jack Russell terrier for those that were wondering).

So on to the match and having realised that under no circumstances should Cranesy be driving, a quick swig of milskshake was had, everyone piled into Doddy’s truck and we were off to battle the wilderness of Croyden. As we approached Epsom in complete silence it became obvious that not only was the milkshake reacting badly with the RedBull to form chocolate cottage cheese in our stomachs, but Cranesey was asleep at the wheel and hadn’t changed out of third since Surbiton.

A few swigs of water and we were back in the game, though perhaps too much as I was somewhat disturbed to be serenaded to “Nobody does it better”, windows down, volume up whilst driving through Sutton… people have been shot for less round these parts. Builders stopped, babies cried, parents shook fists and I tried to hide in my chair.

The ground was perfect, the strip was a road and the outfield like glass. “There be runs in them there hills” said the old sages, and I was inclined to agree. So I won the toss and after some deliberation (if we can get Ruuunnns they can get Ruuunns was my reasoning) batted first.

Doddy and Rizzo opened against their young bowlers and the former fell LBW for 5 early on to bring Shirley Bassey to the crease still feeling the effects of the demon chocolate milk. Shirley and Rizzo put on a hefty partnership until Cranesy decided to retire himself on 40 by exposing his middle stump. Rizzo cracked on to a comfortable 66 before getting caught at gully. Hirsch played a few nice strokes before falling LBW to a dobbler and the chubby chaser scored some nice runs before being triggered by Shirley LBW to their other dobbler bowler.

Lloydy scored only 1 before playing the wrong ball of 3 that appeared in front of his eyes and having his off stump rattled to bring in Duncan Kennedy and Chairman Mao. Duncs set about their bowlers with distain and rattled up 50 of not a lot. The outfield providing the skipper with the option of 1 or 4 due to its pace, though we benefitted from some inept fielding aswell. At 230 for 6 off 38, I couldn’t declare as it was so early so we cracked on and Duncan finished on 77 having been palmed over the cow boundary for 6 and a 4 in successive balls. Keith played some lovely strokes and finished on 25. I though it best to give Ian and Kirky a bat so declared on 265 with both unbeaten.

Teas - Alfresco style brought a nice refreshing change in the sunny weather and made up for the lack of hot tea (we were warned to be fair). 5

As the wind got up and the sun went hiding we opened with Kirky and Tun-up full of confidence from previous games though Kirky sporting a new war wound following a run in at nets with a ballistic missile. Both struggled with line and length and at one point they were exceeding the run rate. Jimmy C came on and bowled 10 overs of bounce and pace to slow the scoring rate down and was unlucky (ats) to not fill his boots with more than the 2 he got. Tun up removed one of the openers with a rank full toss that he graciously played on to his own stumps, Parkesy bowled some tricky line and length to tie up one end and Cranesy was, to quote their skipper “ very unlucky to have 2 stumpings turned down” off the bowling of Parkes.

Keith replaced Nick and bowled some lovely spin and drift knocking over the number 4’s leg stump and skittling the tail. Hero of the hour Kennedy replaced Jimmy C and took 4 wickets off his 5 overs including the final wicket to bring on the Wickwash and a win by 30 minutes. Back at the wick the 2s were full of Magners and Barry having been on the balcony for a good 3 hours. Duncan arrived bought his jug and went off to try his luck with the ladies and buy a lottery ticket and Parksey did the honourable thing and posed for his duck photo. Perfect.

The evening cracked on as per usual. Tales of fortune and misfortune were regaled and plans for lash were made. Shallow Hal, Delbert and Lloydy went off to secure a table at Barcadia, Cranesy went off to sit on his sofa and the rest of the Wick boys joined us later in Barcadia, positively bouncing off the walls with talk of perfect seasons, promotion, Wickwash and 60 points… and Jimmy C’s latest conquest who was up to his usual demanding standards. Delbert got thrown out, I got stuck in the flooded toilets so missed out on a promise from a girl called Danielle, Fordy was lively and Cranesy was sober.

Moral: Drinking causes you to lose cricketing ability and causes chronic lapses in judgement and control though does give you the ability to fly home without realising and of spontaneously emptying your wallet.

Village Performance by Wick 2s

Banstead CC 2xi vs HWRCC 2xi
HWRCC won toss and batted
HWRCC 120 (Au 50+) Banstead 122-1

Walsh, Singh, Fudge*, Golborn, Clark+, Kennedy (JFK), Taylorson, Parkes, Junaid, Powell, Lown

Banstead. Five whole leagues above us. A club reeking with monies. Not one but two pavilions. Pavillion One an ancient beast totally beautiful with tiled roof. Drop down dead gorgeous viewed from square on across the pitch. Pav two where bar is more of a jury rigged pre-fab. A bright green oasis thingy in gruesomely grim suburban North Surrey. A cart track entry road that winds round rural fields. And then a cricket club worth visiting. A gem. Clarky happy.

The weather was set fair after a week of on off rain. Clarky happy. The deck was a new word – chewy. Brown in a bad way. Green in a bad way. The outfield was like glass… but glass that has been washed and tumbled on the beach. Smooth. Smooth but very sloowwwwwww.

Skipper Fudge decided to bat first on winning the toss, reasoning that we would grind out a competitive total over sixty or so overs of attritional cricket. How wrong he was. Moments after an encouraging fielding practice the entire game unravelled as last week’s oppo cancellation caused deep rifts.

Firstly Clarky had failed to pack the wand. Clarky unhappy. A slight hangover left him unable to distinguish between bat handles. He had only a cut down fielding training bat to play with. Like Harry Potter bereft he would be unable to create magic. Clarky had also omitted to pack a towel which similarly destroyed his ability to remain focused. In a final nod to poor planning he had failed to pack gum. This was not good. Clarky beside himself.

Similarly underprepared, Fudgey had only packed one pad. A lie in after free Coronas the night before had also left him short of preparation time meaning that he only had one boot ready for action. Walshy was reminded by Clarky that Duck Tax applied and was almost immediately undone by one that kept low in partnership with an umpire who was keen to assist Banstead’s start. £5 poorer and so briefly at the crease that Fudgey was forced into action attired like a Colt from a poor family Walsh was advised to seek £2.50 from Clarky and £2.50 from the umpire. Questions were asked of Fudgey by Banstead’s fielders keen to understand this sartorial nonchalance. Shortly afterwards he popped one that stuck in the pitch to midwicket. This saved Banstead’s close fielders from having to think up any more gags.

When Nathan walked across his stumps and lost his leg stick for not very many the Wick looked extremely village at 12-3. The deck was not blameless but those assembled had seen much worse not that far from Kingston Bridge. A couple of rusty shots which had not been worked out of the system the previous week following Old Stiff’s cancellation were largely responsible. Auborn and Clarky tried to rebuild and edged along for half an hour before Clarky middled one with his pad and was adjudged adjacent.

Duncan and Auborn then scored the majority of the Wick’s runs in a fifty or so partnership that was shared evenly between them. Duncan looked at ease despite a long lay off from willow-wielding. Goldy looked… well… like Goldy. Front foot defence – check. Late cut – check. Slap back over the bowler’s head – check. Fifty runs – check. Without his innings the Wick would have looked less like a Village side and more like a small rural settlement without a church. Hamlet.

When Duncan perished in the 20s, Taylorson briefly flourished attracting action from those on the boundary considering their fantasy line ups. Nick Parkes, on debut for the twos, scrapped valiantly. Junaid tried obdurate defence. Both were unpicked by a strike bowler who had been held back from the early skirmish when the Wick was busy self-destructing. Lownsy managed to preserve his average of infinity while others fell about him. 120 was at least 60 short of being defendable. A really rather poor display all in all.

Your food critic is inclined to treat teas more favourably this year. It is not inconceivable that an 8.5 or even 9 could be awarded in 2008 under the right circumstances. This, however, was not going to achieve those lofty heights. A plate of exotic biscuits ensured that it should be taken seriously. As did moist cake and buttered malt loaf. However, like a medium pacer unable to get seam or swing, in the sanwiches there was little variation.

Top marks can only really be attained by those seeking innovation in bread products coupled with biscuit arrays and cakage. It’s just not good enough to go for thin white sliced in every sandwich. Have they not heard of ciabattas, pittas, wholemeal, baps, bloomers etc? Harsh maybe, but that trinity must be observed. 7 is still a good mark, and probably excellent this early in the season, but it signals room for improvement. There was some amusing theatre as an opposition lad who would tip the scales at 18 stone or more started to strip the rice paper off the base of macaroon or similar. It looked to your correspondent to be too late for such half measures. Only stomach stapling or a wired jaw would have made any real difference.

The Wick’s performance in the field was a great improvement on the batting effort. With only 120 runs to play with we managed to keep a fairly relaxed Banstead out there for in excess of 30 overs with a fairly inexperienced attack. Powell looked good value once he had changed ends and dealt with a few issues with his run up. Lown was miserly but perhaps lacked penetration on a day when the ball didn’t zip around in the air. Junaid took the only wicket of the day, removing a debutant wicketkeeper who looked to have been sent in in an attempt to assess ability and temperament. On this showing he will perhaps not open the batting again...

The other opener was a classier bat than is provided for by Fullers opposition and he progressed to a sedate fifty and probably made sixty or more in the end without giving a cut and dried chance. He looked best when on-driving but was compact and unflashy. Utilitarian if you like. The fella who eschewed chewing the rice paper earlier clagged an aggressive thirty or so mostly hitting across the line. Early in his innings he offered two half chances as these shots went awry but once he found his range his natural muscularity allowed him to punish anything at all short. He hit a heavy ball...

Nick Parkes looked surprisingly composed with the ball given the savagery of the batting. He will take wickets this season. Duncan was treated harshly but does just enough with the ball that when tracks harden out with sunshine he will be a tricky proposition. Here the deck was just too slow. Taylorson was on the spot but was brought into the fray too late to affect the outcome. Walsh tossed up a couple at the death, but the corpse of the game had been pronounced earlier in the ambulance so there was little chance he would be able to revive the Wick’s fortunes.

Generally in the field the boys looked sharpish. There were positives to be taken from the run out for Powelly and Lownsy who needed the overs under their belts. Clarky picked up some practice taking grubbers standing up to the stumps. Fudgey hit the sticks from cover to hone in that lazer close fielding. Some new Austrian cellar related banter was essayed in the changing rooms. It was pretty funny. Some dubious rhyming slang was dusted off. The prospect of laptop scoring was discussed. It was decided that modern technology would certainly enliven scoring as you could view some Frankie Vaughan while sticking in the numbers. Lessons were learned about packing. Clarky will not leave his bat at home again. Gum will be purchased. Towels will be remembered. Fudge will also buy gum and will not walk out to bat again this year with odd pads and shoes.

That’s not to say that with better packing we would have beaten Banstead. Credit is due to them for a thoroughly professional performance which suggested they’d been practicing. Their bowlers found rhythm early on and attacked the right areas. They caught one or two very good catches. Their umpire was in excellent form for the LBW shouts too – he too was immaculately prepared right down to the manicure on his giving finger. The sun was out, the wind was light, there was a crowd of almost 50 people watching, the facilities were excellent for the time of year (although the David Gowers were not particularly appealing) and it was definitely cricket.

Congratulations to Golby for a typically obdurate batting performance in making 50. The other bats will not have such a poor day again this season and the Wick will not be village again. MOM Golby.

Ask Wickman - Your letters answered

Wickman receives the following email:

Dear Wickman
I am still sick to the tits of having to pay Duck Tax this season. Do you have a photo that would cheer me up?

Wickman replies: I recently received this picture which I hope will help.

Duck Tax Update

An excellent weekend for Duck Tax. Skipper Lloyd perished in the 3s for the dreaded 0 and both Fordy and Barrell contrived to do so in the 1s. An oversight by the committee meant there weren't enough ducks to go round. So that's £32.50 collected so far if you count Barrell's from last Sunday. A duck is a duck is a duck after all... well done Darth...

Duck Tax Update

The Sherriff of Wickingham reports that Duck Tax - after a slow start - is catching on.

Recent victims of the regime include Cranesy, Doddy, Hibby, Coley and Mackie. With a quarter of the season gone, the tax has yielded £22.50. That's not even enough for a pair of dodgy pads Lingfield stylee yet, but funds are building...

Wickman, of course, wishes all the club's bats the best of luck for the rest of the season...

Duck Tax - From Saturday - beware

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, Wickman hears that Clarky has come up with a fundraising wheeze to make you feel better about getting a blob. Not content with watching you trudge back disconsolately having been triggered by some incompetent numpty who doesn't know the rules etc etc the club will in future be imposing a duck tax of £5 per duck (£2.50 concs - Colts exempt) plus the consumption of a beverage via Nelson. This tax applies to all games including club day. If you don't like the tax you can always vote Clarky out at the next AGM. Democracy eh? At least elections come around once a year at the Wick. Alledgedly Clarky was saved from a duck on Saturday as it has reached Wickman's ear that Clarky was "plum" on Saturday but the standing umpire, Jimmy C, (employed by Clarky's company and actually in Clarky's team at work) felt unable to give it for some strange reason. Clarky tells Wickman that there would have been big trouble had it been given as it hit him on the full but his foot was outside the line. Allways the same... The Duck Tax money will be ringfenced for a closed season purchase which members will get to vote on for the benefit of the club. Quack!