2020 Final Watched By Audience of Truants

Organisers of the World Twenty 20 final scheduled it for a South African Bank Holiday Monday. Genius. Well done. That's guaranteed that the only people who will be able to watch it live are in time zones about 6 hours ahead or who are prepared to get out of bed in the middle of the night. Additionally there are bank or religious holidays in Cambodia, Dominican Republic, Guinea-Bissau, Japan, New Caledonia, South Korea, Taiwan and Trinidad. So that's good for them then. All those cricket fans in Cambodia... Yesterday, a Sunday, had no play. Please.

So today anyone who is not the unwaged, pulling a sickie, students and anyone prepared to lig off for the afternoon is struggling. The best we can hope for is a furtive earpiece and the dulcet whine of Graham Gooch. Well - its only hit and giggle after all...

Wick Dinner 1 - Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?

The Wick dinner was a great night and no mistake. There will be more to follow this week but who, who was there, will ever forget The Chairman's rendition of Culture Club's Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?

Wickman can answer in the affirmative that he did want to hurt the Chairman once the song began. If Wickman had been able to reach his weapons broker on the phone and secure a handheld missile (a Stinger, Redeye or Dragon are amongst Wickman's favourites) he would have taken out the Chairman to end the extraordinary aural assault...

In fact, Wickman has contacted a secretive friend who "does a lot of work in Iraq". This "friend" runs a security company which is currently working on defense mechanisms for VIP cars. Essentially you press a button when your armoured Merc is under attack and something nasty happens to deter insurgents from removing your hub caps, forcing open your doors and mussing with your barnet. He's been working on releasing offensive gasses. Wickman has now suggested fitting some major speakers to the underside of the car and running through Chairman Nips howling his vocal stylings at a dangerous level, say 150db, which should first deafen and render unconscious any attackers.

Yuvraj Broadside Sinks England

Yuvraj Singh is good. In fact he's very good. Wickman noticed this in February. But Yuvraj had a stinking world cup and largely looked out of it in the recent one day series between England and India. He also has an odd hairstyle that makes him look like a bizarre Lown. Wickman can't find a picture of him looking like this, but here is surrounded by veg. He looks about as clever as some of it. But he's very popular, rich and probably knobbing a hot Asian babe. Which would probably be what he'd tell Wickman if he was confronted with Wickman's views.

But today he seriously handed it out to Stuart Broad. It was tough to watch the youngster as he seemed powerless to do anything about the mauling he was handed, not even trying a bouncer, slower ball or anything cunning whatsoever. He just ran up, stuck it up there and then watched, with a tinge of sadness, as he was deposited in the stands, out of the ground etc etc.

England leave the tournament with the same playing success record as Zimbabwe. But at least Zim beat Australia. We've been humbled. Dicked on in this game. There's no comfort to be taken because Graveney et al even picked what everyone thought was a good side. It's hardly as if we missed Straussy, Cook, Bellend and Monty for example.

The only thing that is keeping Wickman sane tonight is the astonishing thought that no one has come close to emulating James Hibberd's knock of a couple of weeks ago. Even Yuvraj would have struggled to keep going at that rate...

More innovation needed in International Cricket

After a chastening weekend in front of the box for the smash and grab stuff from South Africa, Wickman is demanding more innovation in International cricket - and sport in general.

The time was when a couple of shepherds could smash a ball around a field using their crooks, a couple of stools and some sheep for fielders, make up some rules and turn it into an International game. Obviously they needed a bit of help from Hambledon and later the MCC but they invented the game. It then took the best part of 500 years before we started getting regularly beaten at it. And it wasn't until mid way through the last century that it was more than the Australians (let's face it they were exported Brits too) took us apart. Now any Tom, Dick and Hamed fancies having a pop at us and we're powerless to resist.

A couple of years ago we were the only ones even bothering with 20-20. No one cared. Now we're amongst the worst teams in the world at it. It's taken the Aussies a couple of stabs at it and they already look ominously good.

Look at Football. We were fine with that until last century. Whipped everyone. When Billy Webb-Ellis picked up the ball and ran with it so began the slow decline in English rugby prospects too (briefly stemmed in 2003).

The domination cycle in sport has shortened considerably. It only takes a couple of months, maybe a year, for us, as inventors of all the world's great games, to get dicke on. No, its about time we came up with a new version of cricket. I am thinking something innovative (Wickman likes to be outside the box) like 10-10 and then 5-5 and finally let's sell the world boundary bowls. If we practice like billyo in private, suddenly call a world championships with a couple of weeks' notice (having written up a really complicated rule book) we might lead the world for a couple of weeks at least. Although the current world champion of Boundary Bowls is a South African... damn.

Dinner Time... A note from Treasurer Lown

For those of you who have not yet made your mind up about the end of season dinner, why the Barry not? For those of you who are coming, event details are below.

If you are still undecided, final numbers have to be confirmed on Tuesday 18th. So we need to know before then. Please email Dom, or let either Keith, Matty D Clarky or Fudgey know. We already have over 55 confirmed numbers, and can only seat 80 so please let us know ASAP!!

For those that are attending, we will take your word as honour and payment! Due to people pulling out of the last dinner, the club had to pay over £600 to cover the original invoice. Ideally I would like you to pay prior to the night, but will be taking cheques or cash on the night (£35, £25 under 21s). If you have any dietary requirements (apart from lots of food - thanks Hibby) please let me know (dominic_lown@hotmail.com)

Details of Hampton Wick Royal Cricket Club end of season dinner

Saturday 22nd September.

Beaufort Suite, Hotel Antionette, Beaufort Road, Kingston, KT1 2TQ - http://www.antoinettehotel.com/kingston/location.html

Map - http://www.streetmap.co.uk/newmap.srf?x=518292&y=168346&z=0&sv=kt1%202tq&st=PostCode&lu=N&tl=Hotel%20Antoinette&ar=y&bi=~&mapp=newmap.srf&searchp=newsearch.srf

Drinks reception from 7pm courtesy of this season's duck tax collection (many thanks to Barrell, Ford and Clark)
3 course dinner served form 7.30pm
Awards for the season (and some other special "prizes") The traditional "Amooray" Disco / Karaoke
Bar closes at midnight
Local taxi number - 0208 977 9999 (Kam's cars)

Look forward to seeing you all there for a great night. If anyone is in need of a babysitter, I think Barrel said he was back and free this weekend and keen to help out.

Punter Ponting's Poker Face

Wickman would love to play poker against Ricky Ponting. Take yourselves back to the Ashes series at Old Trafford when Punter gloved one down the leg side and exposed Australia to a nerve-shattering final 24 balls with Glenn Pigeonshouldbeduck McGrath at the wicket.

As he stood there waiting for the umpire's finger to go up (he was a guilty as a puppy next to a pile of poo) he started gulping. It was like he was Gollum from the Hobbit trying to swallow a live fish whole. If you are English or Welsh you will recognise that moment. It was pure despair. It was good. It was only a shame, frankly, taht we didn't win the game. He would have looked like a science lab peristalysis experiment.

Wickman had forgotten how much pleasure that could give until he saw old Punter swallowing harder than a whore with a blow job specialism trying to service a centre of town Saturday night taxi queue in record time (get that for a simile) as Zimbabwe scored the winning runs yesterday. Wow. It was like watching Deep Throat. Not that Wickman's seen it. Oh no.

Let's hope we see it tomorrow... or next time Wickman is having a poker evening. So Punter, that card on the river, perfect was it? (Watches Punter gulping like a performing seal in a fishmonger's store cupboard) All in then I think...

Aus vs Eng - Preview

Muahahahahahahahahahahaaaaa. Can you believe it? England have the chance to dump the Aussies out of the 2020 cup thingy. Muaaaaaaaahahahahahaha. Well we never. Tomorrow was supposed to be about Australia humbling us into second place and sending us to play someone hideous like South Africa nice and early in the tourney. Now the Bruces have to thrash us just to get past the mighty Zim...

Aus vs Zim. Bwa ha ha ha ha etc

Look. Wickman knows that England hasn't played Zimbabwe yet in the 2020 thingy. But Bwahahahahahahahaha etc that Australia have been humbled. Let's hope Zimbabwe's win has given some cheer to its poor beleaguered population. Frankly, probably not. The country at home is starving. Children are dying of malnutrition. Watching the 2020 world cup is just what a hungry nation needs. Erm... not. Well done ICC for continuing to allow cricket to be played though... perhaps the cricketers will send tea home. Let's hope they don't leave any because Wickman's Mum used to say that African children were starving and he should finish his greens / swede / cold mashed pototoes. It's probably the cricketer's mothers that are starving in this case...

Oops sorry Wickman forgot himself there. This is not a political blog. England, should they beat Zim tomorrow, could dump Australia out of the tournament later this week. Fabulous. Bwahahahahaha

When the Stewarts met Zammak

HWRCC is delighted to announce that Zammak Tughral has been awarded the Jim Laker Spinners Scholarship from Surrey County Cricket Club.

Neither Zammak or the club were entirely sure what this entailed so we lifted this from Surrey CCC website:

"The Jim Laker scholarship aims to improve the technique of existing, talented spinners. Unlike many scholarship schemes, which tend to focus on the development of young cricketers, this is open for any gifted spinners aged from 11 to 35. Pat Pocock and other former Surrey spinner bowlers will provide a twelve-month, one to one, coaching programme for those selected for the scholarship. The Jim Laker scholarship programme is firstly aiming to discover talents for the future of Surrey County Cricket Club".

At a presentation last in the India Suite of the OCS Stand at the Oval last night, whilst Surrey and Somerset slugged it out for Pro40 points, Zammak (plus other spinners from the county) were awarded their scholarships by a party of dignitaries including Micky and Alec Stewart, Lilly Laker (Jim Laker's widow), Pat Pocock, and a few others who I failed to get the names of.

As you can see it was a dream fulfilling moment for Alec Stewart to meet Zammak, and he was later overheard to comment, 'Meeting Tugger is like a dream come true - It's just heart-breaking that I never had the priviledge to keep to him. Although maybe thats a good thing as I hear he has a reputation of making both batsman and keepers look rather silly'.

Before the presentation Zammak, his family, and a few of the Wick boys, including MattyD (who collected a transfer fee rumoured to be the highest ever paid to a club by a professional club), enjoyed the bar and food laid on - on the DBW scale this was a 10. Salmon Bagels, king-prawn sandwiches, homous wraps, and fruit freshly robbed from an African Pygmy, including Pomegranite. Surrey have very kindly offered to give DBW a work-experience placement for the winter, so fingers crossed for next year everyone.

Zammaks nerves finally calmed a little, after some engaging conversation with Mickey Stewart. It was revealed though that Zam had unfortunately failed to do his homework when he commented to Mickey, "I've just been told you are Alec Stewart's father".

Mickey, a bit non-plussed replied: "Well last time I looked I was still Mickey Stewart but yes he does have something to do with me"

Meanwhile, Alec was waiting nervously in the wings to meet his Leg-spinning hero, but MattyD put his mind at rest:

"All you need to know Alec is that he turns it square - FACT"

Congratulations to Zammak on his fanatastic achievement, and hopefully this is further indication that the club is moving towards a very bright future.

It's Winter. So what do you do? HOWZAT 2

So you've mastered HOWZAT basic style.

But after a while situations where Willis B scores 8x6, 16x4 etc to make a career best 192* lead you to refine the rules somewhat.

As we know Willis is a charisma-free vortex that sucks the joy from television reporting. This evening Wickman saw him giving the mic to do the presentations at the Oval in the exciting Pro 40 game that guaranteed the Wurzel-lovers promotione...

Willis: Aaaaannnnnd let's welcome Justin Langer to the stage the winning CAPtin.
Langer: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiyaaaaaa. Like Zen mannnnnn. Oval duuuuuuuuuuude finally won something heeeeeeere...
Tresco: Listen man it's cool to be here. I need to get right back home tonight in case the wife thinks I am touring but its cool...
Willis: dribble dribble dribble bore bore bore annoying voice. looks like a tall old lady. stops talking
Langer: My Kung Fu skills got me through. Hiiiiiiiiiiiiyaaaaaa (stares with big eyes)

Giving up on this filth you change the rules on Howzat. On the first role if you get 1, 2, 3, 4, - or 6 you note it and then roll again. 1+1 is a single. 1 + anything else is a dot (Tests only). 2 + 2 = 2, 2+1 = 1. 2 + anything else is a block.

Now, when you roll - and then roll - again you are out. UNLESS, in 2007, you roll Run Out or Stumped. Then you can ask for a TV replay (odd out, even in). Very occasionally (if you have your favourite batsman at the crease such as D I Gower) you can appeal a catch too as the cheating oppo will have tried to claim one which might have been grassed.

This means scores are more realistic. However. You can revert to the original method if the oppo require 77 in the final innings. All of a sudden its a Bunsen, Underwood is bowling, and its so difficult to bat that he can get a wicket if it rolls a 3 or 5.

Or was Wickman taking it too seriously?

It's Winter. So what do you do? HOWZAT 1

Wickman is devastated. There are three whole months until Winter Nets start. What will he do? As a young man, faced with a lull in cricket (and let's face it, in those days the only thing to do in the winter was to throw a ball against the wall at various speeds and hit it back again) he played HOWZAT.

What is HOWZAT?

HOWZAT is the cricket equivalent of Dungeons and Dragons. It's a game. At its most basic level the sad young pre-pubescent would take a hexagonal pencil to act as a die. With a bic biro (normally) he would press the nib of the pen in once on the first flat side he came to. Rotating it once sixth, he would press the nib in twice. Another sixth and three times. Then four etc. Then a thin line in lieu of five (of this more later) and finally six and six dots!

This pencil became the focus of the game. Finding a notebook one drew up two teams of 11. The real geek would seek out The Telegraph for versimilitude and choose two teams (preferably TEST teams) and begin a sad pencil battle between them.

Given Wickman's vintage imagine an England vs India Test. Opening the batting for England would be Boycott G, and Gooch G. Attempting to uproot their stumps would be Ghavri and Dev. The pencil would be rolled. 1, 2, 3, 4 or 6 would mean RUNNNNS for England. A 5 would mean a wicket for India. Roll the pencil again and 1 = bowled, 2 = lbw, 3 = caught etc etc. Six was always "freak dismissal" such as obstructing the field.

So totally unrealistic games of cricket were played out. The first over of a Test, Dev to Boycott might go: 6,3, 2, 4, 4, OUT (hit the ball twice). Then Roope, Knott, Cowdrey, Grace would all be bowled first ball and Underwood would score an improbable 347* to leave England to declare on 400-9 off 32.1. Or something.

India - owing to skilful rolling by the biased pre-teen, would be all out for 20 (beating New Zealand's all time lowest score) and would have to follow on, this time scoring a regrettable 19 (beating their own lowest score, this time all out obstructing the field in a world record disaster).

What was Wickman thinking?

Chairman’s xi vs President’s xi - Match Report

Chairman’s 194 (Stephen 47, Mackie 40something) President’s 195-7 (Culham 55*) Man of the match: Culham

Chairman’s: Fudge, Goulborn, Davies, Mackie, Hibberd, Stephens, High+, Tughral, Whinney, Nichols, Soppitt, Cameron, Ford

President’s: Ewen, Smith, Moore, Kamran, Lofting, Sissen, Culham, Clark+, Ewen, Godhania, Unsworth, Collier

Chairman’s xi vs President’s xi – or why you can’t beat experience

ex·pe·ri·ence // Pronunciation Key [ik-speer-ee-uh ns] noun, verb, -enced, -enc·ing. knowledge or practical wisdom gained from what one has observed, encountered, or undergone: a man of experience.

Saturday’s game was a classic match up between youth and experience. The youth, as is their wont, were keen to teach the old fellas a lesson and talked loudly of it. The Experienced were stoic but ready. This year the fashion has been for “vintage” cricketers to play on a Wednesday, leaving the youngsters to do much of the work while the rheumy eyed and stiff hamstringed occupy the close catching positions and hope that the ball goes elsewhere. Saturday though saw a stiffening of the sinews, not hamstrings, a summoning up of the blood, the action of the Tiger was imitated and the eye, not rheumy, was lent a terrible aspect.

There’s nothing like an inter-club match to get the juices flowing. It’s all very well sledging in a league game, but if you are reduced to enquiring who consumed all the meat-filled pastry comestibles because you don’t know much about a bat and have to settle for poking fun at his rotundity it’s not much fun. It’s so much more fun when you know the oppo, their foibles, their mental strength (or lack of it) and tensions are high because there are people you don’t want to get out to under any circumstances…

In the red hot environment of Saturday’s encounter only clear heads and low pulse rates would survive. And any mental frailty was to be ruthlessly exploited. Sissen had banked on experience to pay dividends, and, when the chips were down (poker, not potato) one of the wisest heads in the club eased the old guys to victory after a spirited declaration from Chairman Nips at 193-9 left 49 overs to chase down the target.

And all this in the face of terrible provocation. With Ford, Whinney and Tughral to defend the total (not to mention Soppitt, Cameron, Nipples and even Hibberd on show), the youngsters were confident that they would clean up and that the Chairman would take the spoils for the third straight year. In fact a bet was loudly announced round about teatime. It went like this. Kamran would top score for the President. If he didn’t make a ton then that would be that. The next highest score would be byes… money exchanged hands. This was a jab in the ribs that All the President’s Men could not ignore. The bet was loudly discussed in the changing room and steely resolve was the order of the day. But more of this later.

The Chairman won the toss and decided to let his boys set a total. This caused much grumbling in the older camp as only Ewen Jr and Runsworth are in their 20s, Kamran round about the 30 mark and the next youngest in the side could very well have been Clark. At 39 Clark still has a bit of nip in the legs on some Saturdays, but a lengthy binge on Friday down on the South Coast had rendered him unable to operate heavy machinery and it’s a moot point whether he should have driven to the ground never mind donned the ‘keeping gauntlets. The thought of these venerable Gentlemen, four of them having raised their bats for a half century of years in 2007 or before, chasing the leather and cork caused much amusement.

But little leather was chased. A very tight start for The President came from openers Ewen Jr and MS. It is some time since your correspondent has played in the same side as Ewen and he had forgotten the sheer pace that the impossibly tall and incredibly ginger one can generate. He was sphincter-looseningly fast.

Clark had a torrid time behind the timbers, rendered less mobile than Heather Mills McCartney at a barn dance by the previous day’s over indulgence, he was pinged on the left little finger (pre-broken a couple of weeks ago in a keeping accident) by an early leg side delivery. He had his right hand so bruised in taking some deliveries that were “left” by the openers that after a couple of overs he was thoroughly miserable and praying for someone to actually middle the ball so that he didn’t have to take anything. Sadly this did not occur much and he found himself taking a series of balls over head height and scrabbling around on the floor picking up spilled takes.

Fudgey and Golby opened up against this threatening barrage. With MS keeping it tighter than Luciano Pavarotti’s coffin lid at the other end but at least not threatening serious injury it was clear which end the batsmen preferred. Golby mentioned, after one LBW shout, that his pads were inadequate for this level of cricket. Fudgey lofted a few into the on side and even middled an off drive, but eventually succumbed clipping one too many up into the air.

Davies came, looked Daviesish for a while, but played down the wrong line to one of MC’s arm balls following the end of Lofting’s spell. Pouched at first slip he was replaced by Mackie. Golby played some crashing off and cover drives and looked in fine nick but was undone eventually in a way that has escaped me. Mackie too was in top form and together with Stephens scored heavily. Kamran bowled beautifully to both of them and was unlucky not to take a hatful of wickets.

This was the most profitable partnership of the match for The Chairman. Stephens, although he played and missed occasionally to Kamran, hit the ball as hard as usual at both ends and threatened to take the game away. However he was undone by Unsworth – who bowled beautifully – who found his edge. Clark made a hash of two attempts to catch the ball and finally managed to get a glove under the third attempt to send him back. High was quickly undone three balls later (quack – another duck tax victim) dismissed by the same bowler / keeper combination although Clark decided that the Custardo the Clown routine was a little bit outré and caught it first time on this occasion. Mackie also finally perished around this time lobbing a catch to Moore in the ring. Which is not a medical, but geographical, description.

Nicholls came and went, much to everyone’s amusement, dismissed by the returning Godhania who bowled very well for someone who had not picked up a ball in anger for 18 months. He removed a couple of others too, probably Hibberd and Tughral. Jimmy C and PE Man then added a valuable 20 or so and the declaration came with 9 down and after 46.5.

Tea was the usual, but with smaller quantities, DBW concentrating on the barbecue to the detriment of mid game snackage volume. Shocking. 5.

So then that bet was made. That bet was made in full hearing of the older gentlemen. And that’s the difference between youth and experience. Do you remember the story of Icarus? Icarus and old man Icarus (Daedalus) were in chokey courtesy of King Minos. Things looked bleak with no chance of parole etc. Now Daedalus was an inventor cove. He had access (unexplained by the source I consulted) to wax, feathers, something that could be used as a frame and some straps.

That’s pretty lucky in a prison. Perhaps, as it was pre the post office there was little use for sewing mailbags so they were busy stuffing pillows and making candles. Whatever. Daedalus made a couple of pairs of wings and handed a set to Icarus. The wings worked. They were able to put them on, flap about a bit and escape gaol. Pretty crap guards you might think. How could they NOT spot some old geezer knocking up the wings? And when the two of them started flapping around like sneezing turkeys in a Bernard Matthews plant worried about what the man with the stun gun was doing, surely SOMEONE would notice? Nope.

Anyway, Daedalus mentioned in no uncertain terms that it would be unwise for Icarus to fly too close to the Sun. Experience told him that flying too high and too close to the Sun would melt the wings. Did Icarus pay attention? No, he soared impetuously, the wings melted and he spiralled down into the sea and drowned. For flying too close to the Sun, read bet about runs and byes. IcaFudge was about to part with £5… That’s not to say that the bet was poorly judged. In fact after about 20 overs it looked like a nailed on cert. The Chairman opened up with the old ball and an all spin attack, rotating himself, Zam and Delboy for 18 overs. In tragic circumstances Smudger left one from Nipples only to have his stumps rearranged. Ewen Sr, his eyes lighting up like a pinball machine at “TILT” was hit on the back leg and perished LBW to the same bowler. Moore didn’t survive long either (memory fails me). Only Lofting and Kamran looked at ease.

In fact Kamran was leathering the ball all over the oval again and proceeded quickly to thirty-something in some style. Nipples turned to the new ball and Whinney. Kamran wasn’t made aware that it had been taken and Whinney’s first ball bouncer came on too quickly and he spliced a pull to square leg. Matty D. Strawberries. When Lofting then creamed a long hop from Ford to Zam on the edge of the square the President’s Men were in some trouble at 70ish for five.

Voices on the balcony offered scorn. The younger generation felt that the game was there to be taken. However it wasn’t. Culham and Sissen together could offer a great deal of experience and went about their business with some authority. There was plenty of time left in the game and both set about the target with great gusto. The Lord absolutely SMASHED Ford back over his head to the Kingsfield end, the ball crashing into the sightscreen, and while Zam twirled away he couldn’t rid the youngsters of either.

There was cheerful talk on the sidelines of the President having enough batting to make 194 with ease. When Sissen eventually perished Clark joined Culham and together they brought the rate down to four and below with some excellent attacking cricket, a few boundaries and some well run ones and twos. When Clark perished naffly patting one back to Whinney, only 20 or so were required and Ewen Jr accompanied the Lord right through to the penultimate over when the winning runs were struck. Culham had reached a well deserved 55* and delivered victory on a plate.

And that was that. Experience, in the form of Culham and Sissen in particular triumphed. Culham’s innings was a fine effort. Despite his bat containing so much retaining metal that he couldn’t take it onto an aeroplane and much muttering about age this was the stand-out performance of the day. Without his stickability for the lower order to play around him this could very well have been a humiliating third reverse for Bobby. It’s a shame he has all but hung up his boots. What with his MOM on tour and this, he is growing in most estimations despite the progress of time… Awards were handed out in the form of nasty drinks, Fudgey’s backfiring bet ensuring one of the most unpleasant fell to him. DBW’s Barbie was better than his tea, we ate and drank our way through Keith and Bobby’s generous bar and food tabs and, once again, it was a painful dawn which greeted Wickman on Sunday morning. Thank heavens the season is over. He’s not sure his liver could take another month.