2s Match Report - vs LSE

LSE vs HWRCC 2xi - Moore, Wickman, Fudge, Lofting, Soppitt, Cameron, Crane, Taylorson, Lown, Noor, Whinney

The way Wickman will remember the LSE game may vary from the memories of other eye witnesses but it's only fair that, seeing as Wickman is taking the time to write this, we go with his version.

The day started bright and fair and on arrival at the LSE ground in New Malden the facilities were pronounced superb. Jokes were cracked about students being lazy, good for nothing, tax-payer-money-spending losers with long hair and poor hygiene. These jokes were not cracked in front of Muzibilly, because he may be a student, but he is our student.

Skipper Fudge won the toss and batted. Unfortunately for him, for Mike Lofting and Andy Moore, this is Wickman's report, so all were out cheaply, undone by some of the most rapid bowling you have ever seen, including in test matches. This left the Wick 0-3.

An out of form Soppitt joined a shell-shocked Wickman at the crease and was unable to get a bat on anything. At the other end, Wickman recovered his savoir faire, joie de vivre and many other French things and began circumspectly before smashing all student comers out of the park. There was little need to run, except when Wickman chose to farm the strike to protect the hapless Soppitt who was lucky that Wickman was taking the burden. It was surprising, given the quality of the bowling, which was unusually strong for a student 11, that Wickman looked in so little trouble. He pulled with some elan and observers said his on driving was of the highest quality.

The Wick soon recovered to a very creditable 280-3 declared. Wickman 250*, Soppitt 13*, extras 17. Wickman scored 42 off one over, obviously, and middled everything. A number of hot women slipped him their telephone numbers.

Tea was good. Caviar. Champagne. Snails in garlic butter. Foie gras, obviously. Individual Boeuf en croute. An excellent 1986 Cheateau urine du chat. 9/10. DBW take note.

The students were then asked to reply. All of them were extremely pale and spotty due to long days and nights with their noses in books by the way. All were virgins too, despite the free availability of attractive student totty, because of the earlier hygiene issues.

Unfortunately, most of our bowling attack had suffered extraordinary injuries so there was nothing for it but to bowl Wickman unchanged from one end. He opened up with rapid away swing and did the first four bats caught in the slips. The fifth was undone by a rapid inducker. Following 8 overs of rapid pace (8-8-0-5) he was forced to revert to bowling left arm round after his arm was broken as he dived to take a fabulous catch off his own bowling. Luckily his left arm Chinamen are world class so he was able to take the final 4 wickets without conceding a run. At the other end the remaining Wick bowlers were woeful, meaning Wickman was forced to win the game single handed.

Luckily Peter Moores had broken down outside the gate earlier and was at the venue to see everything. Wickman has been picked to play WI. Most of the students were crying because they had been so badly beaten and they had to call their Mums to pick them up. Some have given up cricket.

MOM: Wickman, FACT

If anyone is in any doubt, the game was called off because the students were all too busy revising to play against us. Nice work boys. Hope you all get Richards and fail miserably in your career ambitions. Bitter, Wickman? Well yes, in fact. Spend all week thinking about playing while occupying chair in miserable office in miserable job? Attend net as highlight of week? Practice technique? Go to bed each night dreaming of making a well compiled 50 against a decent attack? Play forward defensives with poster tubes all Friday? Iron kit? Buy new socks? And for what? For a team to cry off on Friday, but do it on email so that we can't find a replacement in time? Fooking students...