Saturday Team News

HWRCC 1xi vs Frimley

Jackson, Hibberd, Davies ©, Raza, Mackie +, Forbes, Cole, Bishop, Ewen, Tughral, Whinney 12:15 – Meet, 13:30 – Start Umpire – J. Tilley Scorer – A. Whitcher

Merstham vs HWRCC 2xi

Sayce, Moore, Gooooaaalllllllllllllllllllll, Lofting, Clark + ©, High, Wright, Ewen, Ford, Noor, Lown 11:45 – Meet, 13:30 – Start Umpire – F. Lippitt (TBC)

Battersea Ironsides vs HWRCC 3xi

Cameron, Crane ©, Lloyd, Z. Tughral Jnr, Robinson , Nicholas, Copeland +, Nicholls, Iqbal, Unsworth, Laight 12:00 – Meet, 13:30 – Start

Good luck with the weather - better a Wickwash than a washout... here two girls check for grass on the wicket

Godalming match report - HWRCC 1st ix turn the corner?

Godlaming Vs Hampton Wick Royals

Hampton Wick won by 71 runs.

Hampton Wick - 195 all out (50.1 overs) Mackie 50* Agge 4/21

Godalming - 124 all out Iley 50 Raza 5/28

As the rest of the country endured conditions akin to the interior of an Otter's pocket, it looked as though many of the nations great weekend events would be severely threatened. Only one seemed safe by virtue of the fact that the 'World Quilt Making Championships' at Sandown Park was no doubt an indoor event.

What a pleasant suprise it was then to arrive at Godalming's hill top fortress to see the clouds circling without looking like they would threaten proceedings.

For anyone who might be unaware, we lost last week against Byfleet, and whilst we have not been playing our best cricket, the general concensus has been that those little moments of fortune required to win a game of cricket have just not quite gone our way. As Richie Benaud said about captaincy, 'it's 1% skill and 99% luck'. It was not a lucky victory as such, but it would be wrong not to recognise the fact that those game breaker moments finally started to go our way. You make your own luck as well in sport, and our determination to play the kind of cricket we know we are capable of started to twinkle.

As they say in cricketing vernacular, 'it was a good toss to lose'. Matty duly lost it and given the way we have chased in recent times there was atmostphere of optimism about it as Godalming asked the Wick to have a bat, on what looked a good track - Hard and fast to keep quickies and spinners interested alike, whilst offering plenty of runs for the stroke makers.

Matty opened up with Hibby as the Wick looked to get off to a flier. With the ball moving around though the run rate was stunted and Hibby was then caught smartly at mid-wicket. This brought Kamran to the wicket who added his assured presence to proceedings, and along with Matty they looked to set the platform for a healthy score. Whilst Kam accumulated, Matty was beligerant on the bad ball.

At 70-1 the boys in the lower order had felt comfortable enough for a game of boundary bowls. Hibby came back from recent defeats at the hand of Barrel, to win on one of the more tricky courses on the league circuit!

Suddenly wickets came like buses as Matty fell to a good catch from Hicks diving forward and AJ fell soon after as he popped one down mid-off's gregory. 76-3 and the rallying call of 'Mingers' was being trumpeted from the Godalming huddle.

When Kam fell LBW to Steel without a another run being added the Wick were nose-diving at 76-4. With both Mingers spinners on and the field tight, nurdling and a re-group were required. Who better for the task in hand than the phlegmatic Mark Mackie, and the experienced Ben Stephens.

Whilst Ben spread the field with what is best descrided as a 'wallop' down the ground off his second ball, Mackie was content to rotate the strike. When Ben fell for a cavalier 24, Barrel came in, but the rhythm Ben and Mackie had started continued in earnest.

All batsman have experienced a rough trot, and sometimes all you need to get you going again is a slice of luck. Barrel has been on a trot as muddy as the Hillsborough football ground recently, so when Godalming let him off twice, whilst on 0 and 3, another corner in our fortunes was turned. Mackie and Barrel decided it was time to add some gas and were particularly brutal on spinner Steel, launching him for three sixes over the leg side boundary.

Mackies parterships with Stephens and Barrel Bishop added 80 to the total, and by the time Barrel fell for 21 off 19 balls, the wick were in search of 200, a declaration and 50 for Mackie. Coley,Joey, Garf and Whinney just about saw Mackie through to a superbly paced 50, and although not making the 200 mark, all believed 194 was enough to bowl at given our bowlers and the pace of the track.

As we were fielding second I didn't eat much tea but will give it a 6/10, simply for the scones with Jam which gave it a traditional feel.

And so to the Godalming reply. Joey opened up and despite struggling with injury looked as though he would hurry most batsman for pace down the hill with the wind behind him. At the other end Shaun found immediate success having Milner the Godalming skipper caught at second slip by Barrel, with a peach of a ball, that forced the batsman to play, before finding extra bounce and away movement to kiss the outside edge and snuggle sweetly in Barrels welcoming bosom.

A strange period of cricket followed as the Wick bowlers struggled with their lines but weren't duly punished for it. Iley picked up boundaries using Joey's pace to force it through the point and gully regions, whilst Hicks looked to get to grips with the pace of the pitch. Both openers lost their radar however, giving Garf value for his patch fee behind the stumps.

Barrel replaced Shaun and mixed it up. Godalming saw their chance to attack, and looked to hit him through the V. Having not quite found his length Hicks decided Barrel had to go. He chose the wrong ball though as Barrel finally found the perfect spot and the ball swung through the inviting gate to clean bowl the Godlaming number 3.

The danger man Agge entered the fray and was not so kind. His first two deliveries whistled to the boundary. Then came one of those moments that you look back on at the end of a successful season and ear mark as the turning point in your fortunes. Agge thrashed it to mid-on where Shaun Whinney plucked it off the top of the grass blades to put Agge back in the hutch. 55/3 and the Wick were on top.

Iley and number 5 Brown then began to take the game to the Wick. With impressive timing and placement they started to force the field back, both taking full advantage of the over pitched ball.

I would like to say a little thank you at this point to whom ever phoned Kamran at 3:30 that morning. It reminded me of what happened at Frimley last year when someone mugged Webbo the night before a game. Kam was angry.... very angry...

With Godalming flying Kamran tore the guts out of the Godalming innings, with a lion hearted bowling performance. Getting rid of Iley who tickled one behind having got to his 50 got the ball rolling.

Cue the next decisive moment in the game. Drinks and a spot of rain, just to liven up the track. With both sides still eyeing a victory there was never any contemplation of coming off.

Coley and Ben Stephens conspired to remove keeper Clarke as the ball spat up off a shortish length and was superbly held by Ben diving forwards, like a prisoner diving for the soap to avoid bending over.

Brown realised that if they were going to get the total it was up to him and he looked to shepherd the tail and play his shots. He could only stand and stare though as Kam removed numbers 7 & 8 without adding to the total, then look on as Kam charged down the pitch roaring his delight.

Matty saw his opportunity for the kill and brought back Joey whose radar was back to normal. Number 9 feathered him behind without a fight, and Brown succumbed to a fantastic catch from Coley off Kam. Kam then finished the job and Godalming had been shot out for 124 despite looking favourites for the win shortly before the drinks break.

Catches win matches, and the Wick dropped nothing all day, and despite some fluent stroke play from the Godlaming top order stuck to their task, and when an opening appeared were ruthless. This is the kind of cricket we know we can play. Hopefully this will kick start our season.

MOM - shared between Kam and Mackie, and the guy who phoned Kam at 3:30. Turning point - Shaun's catch to remove Agge (the number 4). Champagne mament - Coley's catch!

Hawaiin Night - Saturday 30th June

DBW attains record 7.5

With not much to do on Saturday once the heavens opened, the boys were able to pay some serious attention to the works of DBW.

For once there was real variety and - with no real prospect of further play - it was time to tuck in. The eggs in the egg sandwiches were free range and glowed a bright yellow. There was a spicy sausagey thing going on. And other little touches which made all the difference to lift this tea out of mid season gastronomic torpor.

Cynics suggested that it was nothing but leftovers from the previous evening but Wickman's happy with that.

As a security guard of Wickman's acquaintance often says after a night sitting on his harris at minimum wage "musn't grumble". This week tea hit the spot.

Here the boys place bets as to what sort of binding agent will be used in the egg sandwiches. From left Hilly (behind post - get a shirt Hilly), Billy, Charlie, Cransey, Wrighty

HWRCC 2xi vs Merrow

Merrow 114-3 39 overs Rain 115-0 Sayce, Moore, Ewen, Crane, Wright, High, Clark*+, Goodwin, Noor, Hill, Lown

Rain wins by 10 wickets

Depressingly a game that was shaping up to its billing as a top of the table clash of the Titans was washed out at 4.30ish.

Merrow were inserted by the stand in skipper and HWRCC had largely pegged the opposition back with only Mead and an obdurate South African opener making much sense of the bowling before the rains came. Tight spells from Ted, Billy, Hilly and Lownsy (who bowled 11 off the reel) had made it difficult for all concerned. Merrow’s strategy – to sit in and see what they could get from 52 overs -looked like setting us a target in excess of 160 which might have been testing on a drying wicket.

However when the rain came it came in real torrents. So dark did it become that the trees in the park were no longer visible and within ten minutes there was so much standing water on the square (and in the hollows between the club house and square) that it did not take a genius (not that we had any) to see that the game had gone. At 6.20 when the optimists might have been prepared to have had 20 overs to chase the 114 at an unlikely 5.7 an over on something that would have been largely unplayable and with an outfield that would not have rewarded shots along the floor, the strip was still wetter than an Octopus’ front room.

So that was that. On balance 4 points suited neither side as Merrow failed to close the gap and The Wick failed to widen theirs to second and third place. Those who were picked for their batting spent one of those short afternoons in the field that leave one feeling slightly cheated, feeling slightly cheated. Like Cranesy for instance who took a blinding catch at short leg only to see the obdurate Jaapie stand his ground and the umpire (who had earlier thought that Tid was a new bowler mid spell so little attention was he paying) fail to spot the massive inside edge onto pad.

Next week we play Merstham at their place. The weather looks relatively calm at that end of the week so it will be time for The Wick to get back to winning ways if cricket is played. Our strong start to the season meant that we could afford to concede points to the weather this week and it doesn’t look as if any team will be closer than 18 points behind us going into game 8 of 16.

3rds vs Bank of England - by Wickman Jr

HWRCC 3xi v BANK OF ENGLAND

When Harry met Lloydy…

Hampton Wick 3s get second win on the spin to make mockery of non-league status

HWRCC – 135 for 6 (35 overs) – Alex (47 not out), Lloydy 30 + Bank of England – 89 all out – (Laight, and Iqbal taking 3 wickets a piece)

Do you remember in When Harry met Sally when Harry Burns opined about the problems of marriage and long-term relationships? (Stay with me on this… I’m about to draw a tenuous link)[Wickman is reading this very carefully and suspects the urine is being extracted, but carry on]. Well, for those of you who’ve only ever perused the “wrestle mania” and “adult” sections of your local Blockbuster Video (firstly, get some culture and secondly, be thankful you don’t have a woman) here’s what Harry had to say on the subject:

“Right now everything is great, everyone is happy, everyone is in love and that is wonderful. But you gotta know that sooner or later you're gonna be screaming at each other about who's gonna get this dish (Harry points at plate). This eight dollar dish will cost you a thousand dollars in phone calls to the legal firm of That's Mine, This Is Yours.”

Ahh… such a doozy of a quote isn’t? Basically, summing up, Harry’s thinking, “yeah, I really like this bird I’m seeing at the moment, but just give it time and we’ll soon be fighting over last night’s pizza, and it will all end in tears. That’s the way relationships are”. (Just as a side point though, if you do have a penchant for “the larger lady” – and who among us doesn’t? - this WILL happen, FACT… and trust me you won’t be getting any of the pizza).

While it might not be immediately obvious as to what any of this has to do with cricket, if you think about the situation of Hampton Wick’s young star keeper – also named Harry (part of the tenuous link being drawn here, keep tight hold) – the connection is clear. Although Harry is by no means a slice of pizza, he is indeed a dish that everyone at the Wick will be fighting over in the next few months - FACT. The harmony that currently exists between the Club’s first, second and third xis will almost surely be strained after his brilliant performance behind the sticks against Bank of England on Saturday. Harry met Lloydy, and Lloydy liked what he saw.

The young colt single handedly saved 20-30 runs behind the stumps in a stellar performance, with some of the best glove work I’ve seen since I took a tour of the Kookaburra factory and saw them making wicket keeping gloves. Keep tight hold. Not only did he ensure that the Wick picked up their second win on the bounce (“we would be top the league… say we would be top the league…”) but also confirmed that when Fudgey meets Matty D, they will be fighting over just who will get first call on Harry when Garf and Clarky are away?

Indeed. Now to the match.

After last week’s heroics by Iqbal, the talk permeating the club all week was whether or not the boys could back it up against the Bank of England on Saturday (by “talk”, I mean, AJ saying to Matty D at nets: “Great win for the 3s on Saturday eh?”, Matty D: “yeah FACT – reckon they can back it up?”, AJ: “Don’t know mate – yeah why not”? MD: “Jimmy C’s good isn’t he?”, AJ: “Yeah, he’s lively as well!”… you get the gist). Following a couple of late inclusions into the squad, and a mysterious decision from the opposition to field in the wet having won the toss, the Wick went out to bat on what Doddy mused was a “bloody slow” track.

Led by openers Risman and Doddy, the Wick made a slow but confident start. However, with the pitch playing as invitingly as a (deleted, this is a family blog), it wasn’t long before they were both back in the hutch after some cavalier shots. Jimmy C joined them soon after following a ridiculous dance down the wicket, leaving the Wick at 4 for 30 after just 15 overs.

Thankfully, stability was soon restored as Lloydy and Alex arrived at the crease, helping to rescue the innings. Alex never looked troubled by their attack, pushing 2s and scoring boundaries at will, while Lloydy kept the runs ticking over at the other end with his usual, aggressive style. A partnership of 70 was quickly put together, helping the Wick to reach a respectable 135 at the close.

After the tea interval, and a great gee up from Lloydy, the boys took to the field in a buoyant mood. With “Direct” and Iqbal opening the attack, there was every reason to believe it could be a short afternoon. Direct, bowling with his usual pace and bounce was as probing as ever, while Iqbal got the ball to swing and dart all over the place, putting their batsmen under pressure from the off. It was little wonder then that their openers were back in the pavilion after only a few balls, both falling in quick succession.

Given the Wick’s good start and sensing an early finish, Doddy helped lighten the mood with a couple of horrible sledges about “banking” to unsettle the Bank of England batsmen. Listed by no means in order of popularity, Doddy came up with these gems:

“Make them play by ‘direct’ debit Des" “Good to see that our bowling is fixed and not variable” “this is gold standard stuff Wick” “send the next one down with interest”

Surprisingly Doddy’s oddball behaviour clearly rattled the batsmen. Direct and Iqbal managed to pick up another couple of wickets each, with Harry taking superb catches on both occasions. This, however, was only a small part of an amazing repertoire from Harry, who dived at everything and pulled off some amazing stops in the process. With the Bank now at 5 for 50, the game looked to be over as a contest.

With few remaining wickets on offer, Kirky and Jimmy C then came on to get into the act. Jimmy C couldn’t buy a wicket, despite constant appealing (Monty Panesar style) while Kirky, on the other hand, swinging the ball beautifully up the hill, picked up three wickets in quick succession, almost getting a cheeky hat-trick.

Thanks to Tommy Robinson and Ian T, the tail was quickly taken apart and the game was over. The Wick had bowled out Bank for under 90 runs with a brilliant bowling and fielding performance, led by the incomparable Harry behind the stumps.

In the team huddle after the win, Lloydy spoke eloquently about the “solid” performance. It’s two wins on the spin now for the Wick 3s, but can they make it three in a row? There’ll no doubt be talk at nets during the week, courtesy of AJ and Matty D, but don’t be surprised if there’s talk about which team is going to keep Harry.

Yours in Wick, Wickman Junior

Team News - Saturday 23 June

Well Gents (and Alison) what a weekend this is. The 1sts are off to Godalming. We have not played Godalming in the league. There is the chance that they might play at a ground of great beauty. They may serve a tea of mythic quality. Here is Barrel arriving at the pavillion for tea. The 1s will set out with stout heart but quivvering expectation.

The 2s - unbeaten - will attempt to defend fortress Wick. No league team has lost a league game at fortress Wick since last Summer when the 2s lost to Merrow. This Saturday we are visited by Merrow. There's a challenge boys.

The 3s - growing in confidence - are protecting a proud record of squeaking fantastic wins agains the mid-game odds. We're looking forward to more derring-do from Lloydy's mob.

Godalming vs HWRCC 1xi. Meet 11:30 Davies*, Hibberd, Ewen J, Raza, Whinney, Jones+, Mackie, Cole, Bishop, Jackson, Stephens

HWRCC 2xi vs Merrow. Meet 12:00 Clark*+, Sayce, Moore, Crane, High, Wright, Ewen D, Goodwin, Noor, Hill, Lown

HWRCC 3xi vs Old Tiffinians. Meet 12:30 Lloyd*, Risman, Doddy, Routledge, Nicholas, Taylorson, Cameron, Walters+, Unsworth, Iqbal, Laight

Good luck boys. This would be the PERFECT weekend for the first new ear Wickwash...

Getting Wick With.....NICK CLARK

We play cricket together, drink together and shower together, so let's find out what makes a bloke Wick. Opening up the innings for Getting Wick With....is a man not just handy with the gloves, but just as handy with a power tool after all his work around the club this year.

1 Nickname(s): Clarky, Shakespeare
2 Highest Score for HWRCC: 54*
3 Best Bowling for HWRCC: Flag bowls at Thames Ditton. Won with two flags to play
4 Favourite Away Ground: Westfield - short boundaries, cracking tea
5 Favourite Food: Foie Gras, Chateaubriand
6 Favourite Singer/Band: David Bowie
7 Favourite Movie: Withnail & I
8 Favourite Book: One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest
9 Favourite Pub/Club: The Star and Garter, Soho
10 Favourite Crisps: Pickeld Onion Monster Munch
11 Favourite DBW Sandwich: Egg
12 Favourite Quote: "Winston, you're drunk". "Madam, I may be drunk, but in the morning I will be sober. You, on the other hand, will still be ugly"
13 Childhood Sports Hero: Sir Ian Terrence Botham
14 Best Wick Moment: Creaming Hibby all over the nets during Winter
15 Worst Wick Moment: Golden Duck on debut v Wycombe House 2004
16 Invite 3 People to Dinner (Dead or Alive) Mrs Clark
Maggie Thatcher
Arthur Scargill

Moores - half term report

Wickman was being entertained by clients last night. He went into the meal (at a very passable Soho eatery) with a heavy heart and boiling stomach. A quick drink at lunchtime followed by a Pret sandwich (Ham and Greve) had left him feeling distinctly unwell. One of a pint of Pride or the sandwich got him as later on (about 3am to be precise), supper revisited in perfect reverse order. Wickman could taste the brand of coffee and the wines in order. Anyway. Wickman mentions this not because he's slated to be playing cricket today is considering quite ho he's going to get through three hours in the field and a DBW tea, but more to give context for a strange discussion about Peter Moores. Wickman thinks Moores has done a cracking job so far. Presented with a West Indies side as weak as a new born kitten, and almost as fluffy, his charges dispatched them with some aplomb - even having to dig deep on occasion to do it. Monty looks better by the game. Bringing in Allan Donald to mentor Harmy seems to have done wonders for him - even his rather bizarre interviews (I'm brilliant and introverted don't you know) seem to have been toned down. The team seems to be making more of its individual talents. There's a spring in its step. Bringing back Sidebottom seems to have worked. Matt Prior - while not Wickman's favourite gloveman (Bob Taylor's too old now Wickman - get over it) is carting the average West Indian bowling all over various counties. Freddy Who? etc etc. Well done Peter, cracking start. Wickman's dinner companion told me an interesting tale. For reasons too convoluted to go into here, she was dining with a former International coach who was annoyed not to be given the England job. That former coach intimated that the contract that Moores was on is shorter than Ebenezer Scrooge's Christmas Card list and gives him about as much security as a chocolate padlock in the tropics (that one took a bit of time - Wickman thinks it will pass muster). Hmmm. My dinner companion's lunch guest was certainly feeling positive about his chances of getting the job if England couldn't put India away...

Arise Sir Beefy

There's not much that can be written about Ian Terrence Botham that hasn't been written elsewhere, better. Wickman particularly liked David Shower's piece in The Sunday Times. Wickman particularly remembers Headingly because it was the only time Wickman Snr ever watched cricket. He was rooooobish at the game as a lad and was about as agile as Monty Burns from The Simpsons, so never joined in the back garden games. But this time he and Mrs Wickman Snr were persuaded to come in to watch Bob "he's crap on the telly" Willis adminster the last rites. And for a moment they both got it. They both missed THAT innings though. Probably Mrs Wickman Snr was cleaning down the side of the cooker or removing the fluff from the tumble dryer filter. The Old Man was probably tampering with the oil/petrol mix in the mower. Phillistines. And that innings was phenomenal. No one had played like that in Test Cricket in Wickman's short spectating life. Wickman had never seen anyone play like that in any form of the game. And then he did it again with a spell of something like 5 for 1 to win the next test. The ball that he delivered to rid us of Terry Alderman (NOT a good bat), an inswinging yorkery thing that was unplayable and uprooted just about everything, was like someone using a ball on a yo-yo string. It was inevitable that it would skittle him. Wickman, along with thousands of other pre-pubescents, sped out into the garden and bowled for HOURS against the garage door trying to repeat it. Just one gripe. Wickman KNOWS Sir Viv called Beefy, Beefy. But as a nickname it sucks. Big time. Beefy. FFS... The guy was a collossus not a burger...

Wickman's Old Suttonians 2s Match Report

HWRCC 2xi vs Old Suttonians

HWRCC 181-9 (42.4 overs) Doc Greenwood 48

Old Sluts 78-10 (35.4 overs) Shaun Whinney 5-24

HWRCC won by 103 runs - League table

Moore, Sayce, Ewen, Crane, Lofting, Clark*+, Whinney, Noor, Greenwood, Hill, Lown

HWRCC beat conditions

A risky gamble paid off on Saturday as Doc Greenwood recorded his highest league score to dig stand in skipper Clarky out of a hole that was deepening by the minute. Choosing to bat on a soaking pitch to make the most of later bowling conditions, the Wick collapsed to 25-4 before partnerships between MS (26) and Clarky (23) and Shaun (17) and Doc (48) built a more than adequate total on a strip that became harder to bat on as the day wore on.

A deluge that was almost biblical in proportion arrived at 1.15pm, just as Clarky was looking out the opposition skipper, Wrankmore, to do some coin agitation. The toss was delayed while the rain came down and drenched everything. Clark decided that on balance – given the strength of the bowling attack – that he would prefer the Wick to bowl with a dry ball and the only way to have any chance of that was to bat first. It was also the only way that the game was going to get started if the home side took the obviously damp conditions on.

On winning the toss then, much to the opposition’s surprise, HWRCC batted. The decision began to look foolish as Moore edged behind to swell Duck Tax coffers, Sayce top edged a pull and was caught at fine leg and an uncharacteristically cautious Cranesy lobbed one to mid off, stopping his shot for the first time in living memory. When Ewen, who displayed much grit, was brilliantly caught at point / gully, the opposition could rightfully claim to be on top.

However – and perhaps Wickman will cause a heated debate – none of the wickets to fall thus far could be attributed to the state of the pitch. Granted it was not comfortable batting out there, but it was to be a whole lot worse for the opposition as the pitch dried and began to cut up rough like Staffordshire-Bull-Terrier-owning-hoodies in a North London housing estate. Lofting and Clark, while never well set, took advantage of some average bowling, both driving with some style once they had become used to the pace. Clark pulled one young tyro for a large six. Lofting smashed the ball back over another’s head repeatedly. And then a mini-disaster.

Lofting, turning for a second like a dog chasing its tail, pulled his hammy. Some comedy ensued as a bit of yes, no, yes, no “running” occurred in the middle of the pitch, but eventually everyone got home and the damage could be inspected. It was not good. MS retired to find some ice. Shaun joined Clarky and for a few overs they proceeded sedately to put up a decent score before Clark was totally undone by one that came back further than Hugh Grant did from career obscurity after he paid for a quick helmet shine in LA. At this point we were shy of a decent total with our batting either dead or wounded. Billy didn’t last long, spooning one back to the bowler, and in strode Doc.

Crumbs. Criminy. Yoinks. Lawks-a-mercy etc. This was boys own stuff reminiscent of a Victor comic or similar. Doc just biffed the ball all over the park. Clark, hoping to set 140, suddenly watched as the scoreboard revolved quicker than the reels on a fruit machine as Doc pulled and smashed his way towards what would have been a very well-deserved 50. His only blemish was to call Shaun through for a very tight single which Shaun failed to complete. Oh and skying one only for the bowler - too keen by half all day and not trusting his compatriots - to call for the catch and never get anyone near it despite at least two teammates being almost directly underneath it. After that, along with Hilly who made a muscular 10 not out, he completely dominated chasing 180 from 42 overs – the target set by a now rather cheerful Clarky. He eventually perished to his first miscue, caught form the shot that were it middled would have taken him to the magic number. It only remained for Lownsy to come to the wicket for the first time this season and play a very authentic sweep shot to bring up the 180 from 42.4. The declaration was made to preserve Dom’s average of infinity.

Ben Mellett for the opposition, a colt, was an impressive performer for Old Sluts. He will take the wickets of worse batsmen than Moore and Lofting in his career. Wellapilli used the conditions well also, making it difficult for the top order to score. Perhaps though, he could disguise his quicker ball slightly better. It wasn’t so much the signal at the beginning of the run as the doubling of run-up pace that gave it away...

Tea. 6/10. Same old.

If Old Sluts had been able to damage our top order with mostly on the spot sub-military-medium stuff, then it seemed self evident that Shaun and Muzzy – both a yard or two quicker and both much taller – would be very difficult to play on a what was now a quickly drying wicket.

In no time at all OS’s top order were back in the hutch, two caught behind (one off an impossible to deal with rearing ball from a good length from Shaun, the other playing an expansive drive from a super ball from Muzi). Then a fantastic moment. Crane, doing short leg, caught the dangerous Mellett Snr off the full face by staying low and demonstrating fantastic technique. 12-3 and the pitch looked lethal. It was a progression after that until Nichols and James shored things up.

Regular bowling changes followed to break up opposition rhythm and Doc and Lownsy both took wickets. Neither they nor Ewen could locate consistent length to make the bats play though and the skipper turned to Hill who rewarded him with the remarkable figures of 6-4-7-2. Considering that five came from one no ball this was fantastic bowling for the conditions. At the stumps, in-swinging Yorkers in the main, which did enough to break a stubborn eighth wicket partnership (Mellett B again displaying real fight with James), Hill was the pick of the change bowlers.

Shaun was brought back to finish things with overs running down and he removed Mellett B to end the match. This was not before some regrettable controversy occurred which had been brewing ever since Mellett Snr came out to umpire. A fellow that could start a fight, alone, in a phone box (see pic of Casa Mellett), he’d accused the Wick 1s, and Clark in particular, of cheating in the corresponding fixture last year. Knowing this, the Wick had been instructed not to talk to him at all when he batted and to keep as quiet as possible between deliveries as any incidental chat seemed to rile him. He batted reasonably well last year in a dogged rearguard and Clark wanted to ensure that he wasn’t wound up to do the same this time.

However this is the type that will come out to umpire in club games once he has no other role to play to make sure he’s still involved. It’s why you should always bring an umpire if you possibly can because they will probably not have two colt sons batting in the later overs and shouldn’t have an axe to grind. His petty involvement began by widing Dick unnecessarily. He then held back bowlers over fussily if anyone was talking as the bowler was reaching his mark. Here was a man seeking confrontation.

His opportunity eventually arose when Shaun unfortunately – as he had done a few times already to other bats – pitched one near his own toes and bounced it over the head of Mellett’s 13 year old son. It was unfortunate because the lad was not of great stature and this was a very difficult wicket now to keep the ball below bail height. Had we had Delboy in the side he would have been on at this point which would have taken all room for argument out. Unfortunately this short ball was delivered despite repeated and plaintive exhortations during the preceding twenty overs to all the Wick bowlers to try to pitch it up an extra yard to hit the stumps. There was no intent and everyone on the field knew it. Shaun himself was disappointed that he’d let such filth go and apologised immediately.

This prompted volleys of abuse from Mellett and threats to knock the bowler’s head off etc etc. At that point placatory words were said by the skipper to no avail as the tirade continued. Further attempts to pour oil on troubled waters failed between the overs as he then effectively accused the Wick of gamesmanship.

What an example to set the three Colts playing. One of them followed it and started dishing out verbals to the fielders, imagining that slights were being exchanged and this was the way to play cricket. Shamefully, not a single Old Sutt made the trip up the stairs to the bar for a pint afterwards and Mellett was the quickest out of the blocks since Ben Johnson won Gold in 6 or so seconds all those years ago and was surprised to find that he was more doped up on steroids than a champion bodybuilder. All pretty pathetic and frankly the victory was all the sweeter for it. Let us hope that the 2s can get out of this division so that we never have to play against this unfortunate again.

The game was played by all apart from him in good spirit and without edge until his interventions. But the 20 points fall to us on a weekend when Guildford City did us a favour and beat Merrow to leave us… 20 points ahead of the field. There’s a lot to be said for this victory. We won the game batting first on a difficult surface. We toughed it out to give ourselves the best of the conditions to bowl in. And we stuck to the task of winkling out a side that were never in the game and stopped going for it very early. And much better value for our match fees than doing it the other way around.

Shiv Chanderpaul

Wickman salutes you. What a series you have had. Could you bat any better? Have you, alongside BCL, carried the West Indies batting for a decade? Wickman thinks so. And you've done it all with one of the ugliest looking stances, grips and a vigorous trigger movements in the game. But boy oh boy when you smash it through the covers it makes Wickman feel good. Despite the fact you are doing it to Yeoman Hoggy et al. And you look like a crab while batting.

One gripe. What are those stupid marks on your cheeks about? Given Wickman's been watching you for a decade and has no idea, if it's a sponsorship you are getting better value from the deal than your sponsor is...

Frankly speaking though you are averaging more than 45 in Tests over a long career. So you can keep your sponsorship...

The dangers of cricketing injuries

This is why a lid is essential. This is Mark Vermeulen the former Zimbabwean test player. There is a growing school of thought that believes Vermeulen should be encased in a straight jacket and thrown into a very soft cell so he cannot cause further damage to his already strained brain.

Vermeulen has a colourful list of cricketing misdeamenours. In a recent case against him - for attempting to burn down the Zimbabwean Cricket Academy, he has cited the blow he received to the head [as seen in pic above] as the reason for his odd behaviour. When you have a national leader like Mugabe though, it's not difficult to see why you might have a touch of frustration to vent.

Here is a list of some of his antics:

1) Getting banned from school cricket having walked off with the stumps after receiving a poor lbw decision and locking himself in the changing room.

2) Sent home during the second Test of the 2003 England tour when, after becoming only the 13th man in Test history to record a pair on the same day of a match, ignored a management instruction to travel with the rest of the squad on the coach, instead choosing to leave the ground on his own.

3) Refusing to stop a ball at Hove because "it was too cold"

4) Throwing first a cricket ball and then a boundary marker at a spectator who'd annoyed him by pointing out that he might bowl better if he took his sunglasses off.

5) Burning down the Zimbawean Cricket Academy

In short, Mark Vermeulen is a mentalist. I believe the wonderful reporters at King Cricket got in trouble for saying this, but he's even claiming it himself in his case for the defence, apparently...

What is worrying me though is the injuries already sustained at the club this year. There was Garf falling in the Cess pit, Fudgey's broken ankle, Mackie's hangover.... all these could have serious repercussions.

And remember kids..... always wear a lid! You don't want to end up like 'Mad apparently' Mark Vermeulen

Too Windy for the Windies

If you had a case of dried squid you needed to rehydrate it looks like Durham would be the place to take it tomorrow. It's a Korean delicacy before you ask. Frankly, DCCC would do well to order up the UK's entire stocks. They're going to need something to soak up the entire rainfall for April which looks as if it has been saved up for tomorrow.

Durham looks set to be a washout. Or at least it doesn't look particularly special for cricket. Maybe there will be a couple of days cricket on Saturday and Sunday. And the last two days of the Test will be played out when everyone's back at work on Monday and Tuesday.

The West Indies, bar Shiv Chanderpaul and debutant Sammy, are probably hoping they can slink away back to the relative safety of home. Some of their tail enders will be running away from a newly evil looking Harmy. Where's he been? But the batsmen and all-rounders will be running away from the thinly veiled contempt in which they are held by the West Indies players of the 1970s and 1980s. Hell, even the 1990s. Listening to the bitter bile in the voices of those superstars makes almost unpleasant listening.

Well it would. If Wickman hadn't grown up watching a succession of 1970s, 80s and 90s England sides getting violently dismantled while the watching former players burnt them at the stake. What goes around comes around. The question for Wickman is whether the boot will ever be on the other foot again.

HWRCC 3RD X1 VS THAMES DITTON

Thames Ditton – 150 (50)

HWRCC – 151-9 (40)

Hampton Wick steal dramatic win under fading light….

The meaning of ‘Wick’?

Word reaches Wickman Junior of a conversation that took place between Clarky and Jimmy C outside a local establishment in Soho (not G.A.Y) before the first match of the season. With an unwelcome third party taking part in the convo, the talk invariably steered away from matters cricket – something that Jimmy C and Clarky cannot stand for. For them, if you can’t reminisce about Graeme Gooch (333 at the Oval – wikipedia it), Tubby Taylor or Steve Waugh (“wo wo wo, what is he good for?”) over a couple of cold brews, then you’re simply better off six feet under – FACT.

As luck would have it, and before having to conjure up cheeky excuses about needing to “get up early”, the pair managed to wrestle discussion back to cricket, and everything Wick. But an odd-ball question, posed by the third party about the Wick, was set to create confusion. The question went something like this:

Third Party (unwelcome): “You guys always go on about the Wick! What does it mean to be ‘wick’? How do you define something that is / isn’t wick?

Despite being able to speak so eloquently and definitively about cricket (Clarky…not Jimmy C) the pair, on this occasion, didn’t have an answer. Throwing out words like “indefinable”, the two were left completely jiggered. “What does it mean to be wick?” they pondered as they strolled home. It probably kept them up all night.

But after Saturday’s 3rd XI victory over Thames Ditton, Wickman Junior believes that Clarky and Jimmy C should now be closer than ever to answering this “controversial” question. Following one of the club’s greatest ever fight backs, the performance of young colt Junaid Iqbal just screamed “Wick” at every turn.

On a hot and muggy afternoon, the Wick went out to field against league side Ditton. Following some choice words from Lloydy (“I am a captain, but I’ll let you guys call the shots”), we set about tearing into their top order. With Junaid and “Direct” coming from both ends, their openers were quickly under pressure - Junaid bowling with tremendous accuracy and “Direct” sending down plenty of chin music. It was not long before the openers fell.

With Jimmy C and Alex coming in at first change, the boys kept the pressure up. As Jimmy C took out the off peg of two of Ditton’s top order (while also being dropped 4 times – thanks Doddy) and Alex swung the ball (Matty Hoggard style) to take another wicket, the visitors were soon in trouble at 6 for 60.

However with temperatures soaring, the Wick started to take their foot off the pedal. Sloppy fielding and Thames Ditton’s 8th wicket stand of 70, helped them to reach 150 at the tea break. With a weakened batting line up, the Wick felt that a great opportunity to win the match had been squandered.

With a required run rate of 3 runs an over, a good start was imperative. But this did not eventuate, as the reply started in the worst possible way. With their spinners opening from end, Doddy, Lloydy and Direct all went cheaply in the first few overs. And despite a couple of boundaries from Jimmy C and some resistance from Tommy Robinson, the Wick soon had their tail exposed. At 7/67, a comeback did not look likely.

But colt Junaid Iqbal, a “real thinker” according to Jimmy C, had other ideas. Knowing that there were plenty of overs to go, and with the weather still hot and sticky, he pushed the singles on offer and let the better balls to go through to the keeper. It was text book batting – just play each ball on its merits. Predictably, Thames Ditton became increasingly frustrated, and subsequently became tired and sloppy in the field. With the score now creeping up to 7 for 110, the belief that a result could be pulled off was growing, and so was the confidence the Wick’s batsmen.

At 7/130, the match was heading to a climax. But as the Wick lost 2 quick wickets with another 20 runs needed to win, it seemed like it had all been too little too late. However, as Iqbal kept Merwin protected at the non-strikers end (great understanding at Colt level - FACT), and with the two’s being picked off readily, the Wick needed just 4 runs to win the match. It would not be a lie to say that every run was cheered on by the entire squad, now standing on the edge of the boundary in anticipation.

Sensing a dramatic win, Iqbal was cool under the pressure (remember…he’s 13!!!). Letting a wide ball go through to the keeper, the Wick was overjoyed to see the keeper fluff at it. And as the ball went past fine leg and trickled over the boundary, bedlam erupted.

As Iqbal through his bat in the air, the boys charged onto the field for a massive embrace. Wickman Junior has never seen more high fives and [phrase edited out owing to unsuitability in a family publication] in his life. It was a jubilant moment for the boys – pure elation - FACT.

At this moment, everyone knew what it meant to be Wick. But just don’t expect anyone to give you an answer….

Yours in Wick,

Wickman Junior.

HWRCC Sunday XI vs Grouse and Label - Match Report

Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye! With Captain Goldie absent, Barrel took the Sunday Funday side into battle against a very lacklustre Grouse & Label side.

HWRCC batted first on a pitch that was again low, but thankfully not as slow as the previous weekend. Sisso and Zammak opened the innings with Sisso playing some cracking shots and timing the ball as well as anyone had done all year. Having reached 30 he pulled his hamstring and was caught skying one to mid on.

High joined Zammak at the crease and played a very controlled innings like I’d never seen him play before. In fact at one stage we thought he had been replaced by an imposter, but the manner in which he batted was very pleasing to see until he was dismissed.

“Mighty” Joe Hirsch came and played some very good shots, especially off the back foot. Zammak reached his half century with a bit of luck, but was unfortunately dismissed shortly after for 57. Barrel came and went in the blink of an eye (ATS), “Mighty” Joe and A.J.(Quack, quack) were all dismissed in quick succession.

After cruising at a 100/2 and looking good for a total of over 200 the Wick had slumped to 130/6. Thankfully Matty D and Delboy steadied the ship with a very well worked partnership and Delboy playing on through the pain of an injured thumb after being hit going for a quick single. With some thrush bowling being introduced Delboy was out.

Matty D (37) slapped a couple of nice sixes before being stumped after some quick glove work by their nimble keeper. Harry and Junaid saw out the 40 overs with some lusty hitting towards the end to leave HWRCC 200/8. All in all a reasonable score as anything near 200 had been competitive all year at home.

Tea: If you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all. Take from that what you will.

With Muzzy opening up at the Millenium Wood End and Junaid the Kingsfield End early wickets wanted. They bowled exceptionally well and were straight into the G & L batsmen. Harry taking a fine catch off Muzzy and it was refreshing to see a batsman walk, especially when it looked as though their umpire was never going to give it out.

After 10 overs G & L had been reduced to 5 down. It was time to bring on the secret weapon and A.J. kicked in off the long run Dennis Lillee style before preceeding to bowl a load of thrush before their best bat decided to launch one down Delboy’s throat at long on, swollen thumb and all. “Mighty” Joe was bowling some decent leg spin managing to nip out a couple of their batsmen, including one guy with what can only be describe as a zooter/grubber.

Upon seeing the chance to grab a couple of cheap wickets, and with A.J. tiring after what turned into quite a good spell bar a few no balls (front foot or bent arm – you decide), Barrel bought himself on to grab a couple of cheap wickets to avoid TFC honours and G & L were dismissed for 71 after 23.3 overs.

All in all I thought that the younger guys had all done a fantastic job and did everything asked of them.

MOM : Brilliant team effort with everyone contributing at some stage.

Voodoo hoodoo strikes skipper Fudge - alledgedly

Around theatre-land understudies spend time sticking pins in effigies of leading men and ladies hoping against hope that they will get their chance to shine. Ah the smell of the audience and the roar of the greasepaint! Today Wickman is asking some serious questions. Wickman hears that 2s skipper Fudgey is in a cast this Monday morning after a mishap during the game against Guildford. Using his plates to stop an off drive he's done something to his ankle which will necessitate him missing the Old Sutts game and potentially one of the bigger games of the season against Merrow. So what has Clarky been up to? A bit of the old voodoo? Clarky was unavailable for comment this morning but on calling his wife she asked if Wickman was coming round to collect the clay effigy of a Wick player with the knitting needle stuck in the ankle... Wickman thinks the weather might have a role to play this weekend and that any West Indian machinations and dabbling with the occult may be a waste of Clarky's time...

Duck Tax Update

An excellent weekend for Duck Tax. Skipper Lloyd perished in the 3s for the dreaded 0 and both Fordy and Barrell contrived to do so in the 1s. An oversight by the committee meant there weren't enough ducks to go round. So that's £32.50 collected so far if you count Barrell's from last Sunday. A duck is a duck is a duck after all... well done Darth...

HWRCC 1st xi vs Guildford City - Losing draw - by Matty D

HWRCC 1XI v Guildford City 1XI.

GC: 197-8d (49)

HW: 170-9 (46)

GC winning draw.

First things first…….Second things second, as always.

This was an excellent game of cricket played by two good teams in the right spirit. Guildford City deserve a lot of credit for their declaration as well as their attitude to the game.

Mattyd, having won paper/scissors/stone (stone – fact) inserted GC on a track that looked and played better than last week. Kam’s first ball was a peach and Joey snaffled the opener at gully.

Joey then proceeded to dominate Mr Lane, as well as tying down the GC overseas. Being faced with an inny-outty field, Lane struggled to middle anything and was late on the full straight one many times. His nicks also fell into gaps, and his 30-odd was not exactly fluent. GC’s two batsmen were watchful and Joey was extremely unfortunate to not get a wicket in his opening salvo.

Mattyd then turned to Zammack who bowled an absolute pearler to Lane first ball, and Kam did the rest at slip. To be honest the game then drifted along with GC unsure of what would be a good total on an unusual track. A few balls kept low as normal, the odd one took off, but in the main the track was easy to bat on, and a little faster than last weeks old mattress.

Fordy and Kam’s second spells were successful, with wickets falling, the Wick reducing GC to 150-7. Unfortunately as last week the oppo tail rallied and stuck it out reaching 197 off 49 overs. The Wick track this year is fairly easy to stay in on, and if you’ve got some patience, quite simply its got to be a good ball to get you out.

Cwor its was humid. It was so humid it almost drowned out the sound of the fielders and we deserve credit for sticking it out in such uncomfortable conditions. Mackie’s keeping was excellent given the fact he’s not a regular. Shaun bowled well despite getting a blow on the knee early doors, and Joey was as fiery as normal. However, as has been the case too often this year, the fielding wasn’t up to last years standards, despite the best efforts of all. A few few drops (of varying difficulty) and a few fumbles kinda sums up our season thus far – just short of where we need to be, and should be.

In response, Barrell’s opening birth failed ‘Les Miserables’ as he fell first ball, having his off stick raped by the quick opener. MattyD and Sammy MaC then steadied the ship, surprisingly for MattyD he was pushing the 1s and 2s. Sam was in zero trouble, until he managed to hit one down gullys throat. MattyD, feeling as comfy as a DFS sofa then missed a straight one and was lbw, also letting everyone know how annoyed he was……

Time for some fire fighting at 50-3, AJ and Kam looked good, and the Hibby and Kam looked better, playing attacking cricket and pushing the score along. Kam was imperious and Hibby a lively firecracker, timing the ball from ball 1 as normal. The score moved on to about 130-4, with the game being setup for a grandstand finale. Hibby then fell, being himself, and Mackie joined Kam for some hussle. ‘Hussle Baby Hussle’. After Mackie was run out (too much hussling) Kam began to tire and was caught and bowled from the overseas (bowled 17 overs, and got 65). It was then a case of the Wick hanging on – fire fighting – and Joey did this with aplomb.

Both teams were in this up until the final few overs, when the Wick ran out of batsmen at just the wrong time. Extremely disappointing, but you can accept being on the wrong end when the game was a good one, and also to a decent side (even if they were carried by a few players).

The day was a good one, with the 3s recording an excellent last gasp victory and the ruthless 2s keeping up their superb start to the season.

Last things last.

We’re still unbeaten, which is an excellent record to keep up. However maybe that little but of extra risk is what we need to take us up that extra 5% to start a run of victories. Equally, maybe taking a little less risk is what is needed. I think what we need is some luck to go our way and to start us off on a run, we’ve had scant little so far this year. But you earn luck. End of.

Having said that this was an improved performance, and the team is certainly bubbling nicely, lets just hope our push doesn’t come too late to challenge where it matters. I enjoyed my Saturday so I can’t complain.

(Guildford City's Mark Lane awards the ducks to Fordy for his batting display)

Collapso cricket sinks Guildford on cabbage patch

Guildford City vs HWRCC 2nd xi

Guildford won the toss and took to the field.

HWRCC 192-8 Sayce 50, Forbes 39, Soppitt 34

Guildford City 151 Soppitt 3-7, Ewen 3-36

Sayce, Lofting, Forbes, Fudge*, High, Clark+, Soppitt, Ewen, Greenwood, Hill, Lown

After every away game in the Fuller’s League this year the visitors are required to fill in a form. The form is an official record of the facilities visited. What happens with the data collected is not year clear. Perhaps, shortly, the Wick will receive a letter. It will tell us what we already know. That the outfield is a bit bumpy. That it keeps low at the Millennium Wood end. That deer dump on the grass. That we have excellent parking.

The forms marking Guildford City’s 2nd xi ground will be equally emphatic. Unfortunately the Old Guildfordians ground at which the 1s usually play was being used for a running event. All over Guildford slightly overweight females dressed in inappropriate lycra were dragging jiggly bits towards the ground, more in hope than expectation one surmised. Anyway, with the whole area under a sea of picnicking supporters and muffin tops, no cricket would be played there.

Which left your correspondent and his team mates to drive around Guildford, briefly stopping off to ask directions from a bemused Worplesdon and Burpham groundsman before arriving at something which resembled down town Bagdhad. Curated by Guildford Council this ground is a Barry Crocker bearing about as much resemblance to our own fecund pastures as, as Hamlet remarks of his dead father and his uncle, a Hyperion to a satyr. It was not the lush green meadow of the picture here...

Hyperion, Gentlemen, lest you forget, was one of the Titans. He was father to Helios, the Sun God. Shakespeare is suggesting that he was an all round good guy and someone to be looked up to. A satyr, on the other hand, is a grotesque creature, half-man and half-goat, symbolic of sexual promiscuity. A dirty sort of smelly thing, always rutting and probably, after rain, smelling rather grim. Shakespeare is not fond of satyrs. He is suggesting that a satyr is contemptible. The comparison, then, that he draws, is designed to tell us that the one is excellent, the other beneath contempt.

Which sounds harsh. But, like the Latvian Police, also fair. After a while the surroundings grow on you. But this is like the dangerous “office effect”. The office effect is a long observed phenomenon. It is where a perfectly ordinary member of the opposite sex joins a company and is immediately marked as a five of out of ten. Were the member a female she would be attractive, but largely unremarkable. Over time the individual’s personality, charisma and good eggness shine through and they unaccountably creep up to an unmerited eight out of ten. There is then a need for recalibration to bring people back to their senses because if a truly outstanding candidate were to join the company, with the scale so obviously out of whack there would be dangerous talk of tens or even, God forbid, elevens. And as everyone knows, there is no such thing as a ten out of ten.

Dear reader, I hope, despite these wanderings, that you are getting the picture. That, like a well directed telegram, the message has arrived. It was a stinker. The pitch was a patchwork of bare earth and closely mown tufts of grass. It was bereft of sightscreens. At one end we were lucky to have a half white mock something or other house behind the arm. At the other there was a children’s playground, and, gloriously, a dark red van belonging to Her Maj’s postal service. You couldn’t make it up. The pav was functional shall we say. There was no parking. All day dangerous looking locals walked dangerous looking dogs round the outfield. After Lingfield’s showers which, on weekends during the winter, might spit out icicles, Guildford’s were hot enough to cook lobsters humanely.

The pitch would play a decisive role in the game. Like an allrounder who boshes a quick fifty, pouches a couple of catches and takes four for, it was always involved. Whether producing a scuttler to bowl their unlucky opener for 49 before he took the game from us or in producing prodigious turn for their skipper’s offies or in putting doubt in the minds of nervous chasing batters it got involved in a big way. Every time you thought it had finished contributing it would stick its hand up or go through its bowling warm up motions in an exaggerated fashion to let you know it was there. Only seven batsmen made double figures.

Hmm. That’s almost 800 words without actually mentioning the game. Perhaps I had better get on with it. Fudgey lost the toss and, like Cilla Black belting out a catchphrase (Surprise, Surprise!) with the audience assisting, we were inserted. We were asked to watch Paul Sayce, on debut, and MS, bat. While MS looked untroubled he perished by edging one onto his stumps without playing as he has been known to. Forbes joined Sayce in the middle and a strange sense of calm descended on your humble scribe. As these two bats caressed and creamed the ball around the park it was very pleasant to be wearing the Dove, the Magenta and the Black. Class. Real class. Nothing belted, nothing smacked, nothing muscled all a joy to watch. Oh the off drives. Oh the glances. Oh oh oh oh oh. They put on almost 100 for the second wicket. Really, really good. Sayce perished eventually for 50, Forbes for 39. Both deserved more.

When Forbes played on too, echoing Lofting’s dismissal, Fudge, then High, then Clark displayed more lower order talent than middle order, collapsing, as they did, like the Hindenburg or R101 but without the loss of life. They went down in flames. Between them they managed to contribute 23 runs to the cause. It was left to Soppitt, once again, to mix aggressive shot making and aggressive running, to build us a defensible total. His 34 runs were invaluable. Doc swung baseball style at a couple to entertain us late on (loud Mooooooos were heard from the sidelines) and we took tea having declared on a useful (if slightly worrying) 191 from 50 overs.

And so to tea. Lloyd Grossman, that excitable foodie, would have struggled to find something to extend his vowels and consonants about. Welllllllllllllllll. Whooooooooooo’s in the kidchin todaaaayyy? There were no truly exciting ingredients. Lloyd gets excited by unusual ingredients. Ohhh. Kohlraaaaaaaabi. Mmmmmmm yesssss gooooooooooseberry. Fresh mushrooooooooooooms. Nope, there was nothing like this. Oh for a DBW tea. And it’s not often you see me write THAT! 6. No more, no less. 6. A D at A level. A pass, but not something you are going to rush home and tell your Mum and Dad about.

Guidlford were to be allowed 45 overs to overhaul us. And the way they set about the target it looked as if they intended to do it in 35 and get off home to watch some light entertainment on the box. My oh my did they play and miss to begin with. Goodness gracious did they try to leather the ball through mid off and miss. Crikey O’Reilly did they hit the ball hard when they connected. They put on lots for the first wicket. 70-ish. When four balls were bowled they despatched them. They could have charged postage and we wouldn’t have blinked. It was good batting. Clark grassed the only chance standing up to Krusty – a thickish edge that didn’t stick and looped to the floor. For a while it looked expensive.

While John Hill and Krusty bowled well, they will not come up against batting of this calibre every week. They will get away with more than they did another day. Ditto MS – who took the first wicket – the first of four great catches pouched by The Wick. Driving uppishly the very good Mohammed hit one towards Soppitt who managed to dive forwards and scoop one up inches from the turf at mid off before hanging on to it and doing a number of forward rolls. Genius and just the breakthrough we needed. Iqbal then smashed MS out of the attack – two huge consecutive sixes disappearing in the arc between long on and the stumps. He looked set to score big and take the game away from us.

With GCCC’s excitable wicket keeper at the other end things looked grim. GCCC passed 100 with only one wicket down. But the team hung in and an outrageous scuttler turned the tide to the Wick. Ewen, who had begun to get inside the head of both bats pitched one on a good length which pea-rolled. If it hadn’t crept through to bowl the bat, it would have been difficult to refuse as an LBW (note: none were given on Saturday despite some double and treble appealing by their keeper). The pitch helped us out – they must have been cursing the Council for putting them up on this rubbish.

All of a sudden things didn’t look quite so clever for GCCC. There was a sniff of fear about them. Early on, when the ball was disappearing to the boundary, there was some VERY cocky spectating going on. You would have thought they were 200-2 rather than 100-1. But now? Silence. Eerie. A very nervy looking No 4 came to the wicket. Scratched around and hoisted one of Ewen’s dobbers over Del’s shoulder. He pouched a second, excellent, catch. Quack. Mahmood, who had, as they say, given it the Barry McGuigan when we batted proceeded to let his team down by missing a straight one from Doc. Quack. Doc bowled excellently all day to return figures of 9-4-24-1. Control. Aggression. Subtle away swing. Really good.

The ‘keeper seemed to be Guildford’s last hope as panic set in. We mentioned this to him. Dick mentioned to him that his crossbatted style was unsuitable for the conditions. He ignored us (although clearly riled) and crossbatted a number of fours and a six. He seemed very pleased with himself. Right up until he slap / pulled the excellent Soppitt at shoulder height two yards to John Hill’s left. Hilly threw himself at the ball and held on to a quite stunning effort to remove him. And with his dismissal went all GCCC’s swagger and self belief. Rehman smacked one back at Dick who clung on to a one handed c&b. The skipper missed one from Del. Hussain was caught by Dom at full stretch over his head (goodness there was some fine catching) from another fine Del- ivery (see what I did there?). Aktar – not looking particularly proficient with the bat – called through his sluggish batting partner for a sharp single to Sayce. Saycey was having none of it and ran him out by so far that he wasn’t in the frame. Quack. A young player who hadn’t taken much part in the game then received the ball of the day from Lown who moved one away off the pitch to knock over the off stump. Quack. We had taken 9 wickets for approximately 40.

What a win! What a great game of cricket! To be so far behind the game and come back so emphatically. To stick at it and hang in there in the field when your cricketing brain said GCCC had it in the bag. Another win batting first. There cannot be enough superlatives to describe Del’s performance. 34 valuable runs to boost a meagre total. 4-1-7-3 with the ball. Two catches that turned the game around. He deservedly walks away with MOM. No TFC for this game as everyone turned up, everyone contributed something, everyone was part of a truly excellent team performance. Well done boys – it was an important one with others near the top of the table all winning. Let’s keep this level of performance going through June…

Something for the weekend...

With the 1s and 2s both playing Guildford City in the league this weekend it's a useful indicator of where HWRCC's two league teams have got to this year. Last year the 1s and 2s both clung on to record losing draws. While the 1s secured the Championship and confirmed an unbeaten season, the corresponding 2s fixture was played out in biting winds by a Guildford team which bore little resemblance to those that played the other 15 or so games that season. As we can see from this graphic, Guildford are strong enough to provide training at all levels, so The Wick should get a good game.

This weekend sees a strong 1s and experienced 2s pit themselves against City. The 1s line up with new finds MacArthur and Kamran in the side joined by Zammak (winner of the 2006 bowling prize) and Joey Ewen - on fire in a division where he doesn't need to hit the stumps to take wickets.

The 2s see a league debut for batsman Paul Sayce, further batting strength in the guise of Mike Forbes and a return to the side for Dick Ewen, making his way back to league cricket after serious injury in 2006. Dominic Lown, Derek Soppitt, The Doc and John Hill, all sporting ridiculous single figure averages, will all need to have the ball prized from their fingers.

And there's a 3s team out as well, facing up to Thames Ditton who play in the Fullers 3s league. This is extremely encouraging for the future of the club as many of the assembled are 2s players in disguise. And don't even ask about the unavailables...

This is NOT a match report

I have tried to write a match report from Saturday's game against Horley, I truly have. I've drafted it, re-drafted it, and every time it becomes a manifestation of frustration, anger and distaste. I have therefore this week decided not to write a match report, although events will be alluded to in the following piece and the stats from the game can be found at the foot of the page.

Instead I have decided to indulge in a rant. This will probably seem to many, the bitter ramblings of man who is looking for excuses for the failings of his own sides' performance; and being brutally honest with myself there is an element of that, but please try and see past the timing, and understand the crux of my argument.

We got a losing draw on Saturday. What is a losing draw? If it you look it up in the dictionary it will probably read negative, frustrating, pointless cricket. By the time I found myself at the crease with Joe Ewen on Saturday, Horley had put themselves well and truly in the box seat - 80-8. They needed two wickets for the victory, whilst we had to survive 8 overs to deny them the full 20 points, which meant prodding and patting the ball back down the pitch, whilst gaining nothing from the situation oursleves. All the while Horley gave us the expected mumblings of discontent...

'they come out here and give it the Barry*, and they're not even willing to have a go at it. You wouldn't catch us doing that. It's just cowardly, pointless cricket'.

This was obviously to get in our heads, and they themselves admitted they would have done the same in our situation. I felt thoroughly disgusted to be playing cricket of that type, but realised that our hand was forced. [*Barry is cockney rhyming slang - Barry McGuigan - 'Giving it the biggun'. Nothing to do with Wigan, Goldie]

And this is my point. The way the Fullers League rules are set up makes for formulaic cricket. Bowl first, restrict, and then knock the runs off. There is no need for the side bowling first to really attack. Not one person I speak to who plays in the league likes the rules. As England cricket fans we all bemoan the lack on success the national side have on the international arena, but none of us have a true understanding of 50-50 cricket because we don't play it.

Why don't we play genuine limited overs cricket. I have spent many an evening contemplating our league rules, both alone and over a beer with team mates and opposition. I have tried to see how we can put a positive spin on the league and step out of the predictable way that sides play the game, and the cupboard I can honestly say is pretty bare.

Cricket is a test of skill, against many unpredictable elements; the pitch, umpiring decisions, climate conditions etc...

What the league has done by saying you can only win, when bowling second is by bowling the opposition out, means every one bowls first and if they get into trouble they are forced onto the defensive, and the game is effectively finished as a spectacle. Their is no dramatic comeback as there is such a vast gulf between the points for a victory and accumulative batting/bowling bonus points.

The Positives

As I said I have tried to see the positives and how we can think about the rules in a different way to our advantage. By giving sides control over how many overs they can bat should they lose the toss, they are trying to make the toss less of a deciding factor on uncovered pitches, and encourage captains and players to take risks and think tactically. As we all know this well-intentioned idea has produced the exact opposite outcome.

It also prevents teams stacking their side full of batting and bit part all-rounders, and means captains and selectors have to pick attacking bowlers in the hunt for 10 wickets. It gives priority to guys like Zammak and Joey, who although are expensive at times, are genuine attacking bowlers who make the game exciting as a spectacle and to play.

So how would Saturday's game have been different if it had been a 45 overs aside game?

Having got Horley 88/7 in around 38 overs, I believe we would have bowled them out for under 100 as they were forced to get a total in 45 overs. Instead they did very well counter punch their way to 147 off 51.1 overs. We need to look at oursleves and how we let this happen, but take nothing away from Horley they used the overs available and played well. But we should have been chasing a much lower total in an equal amount of overs, not having to force the run rate on a very slow, low pitch, because we only had 44 overs.

Horley indeed should have walked away from this game with the full 20 points, and both sides were probably most dissapointed about the result because we want to get out of this league first and foremost because of the rules themselves. I took no pleasure from batting out 8 dull pointless overs, where scoring became a no-no, and having to play exactly the form of cricket I have previously chastised other teams for doing. As we all recognise though, our hands are forced and we all do the same given the situation if we have any genuine desire to leave the Fullers League behind.

To the esteemed people who run the league, who do such wonderful work in the league, please consider changing the format. I recognise the rules were conceived in the best interest of the players but there is something intrinsically wrong when 22 cricketers walk off the field dispondently blaming the rules for a dull game of cricket rather than realising their own failings as players. We all love the game, so please lets make it a sporting spectacle in which everyone can enjoy participating, whether it be players, scorers or umpires.

Finally well played Horley, despite previous needle between the two sides, the game was played hard but in the right spirit. Thank you to the umpires - although we might not agree with all your decisions the game would not continue without you, and you have the most unenviable job on the pitch. And likewise to the scorers, who again perform a fairly thankless task for us all.

With regard to our own performance, well done to the bowling unit, who looked like they are moving towards their best. Great to see Zammak back and bowling well, and a warning to everyone in the league - if these boys start really firing they will be a very formidable unit. To our batting performance - The game situation and other factors contributed to our collapse, but we have keep working hard and realise that when we are playing well we can lessen the effect of variables such as the pitch, bowling etc.

Good luck for Saturday everyone. I won't be there but I am sure it will be a hard fought game of cricket, and go out and play positive hard cricket and the result will go our way.

Stats 1st Xl versus Horley on Saturday 2 June 2007.

Toss won by Hampton Wick Royal who chose to bowl

Horley claim winning draw

Horley Innings

L Tomkins ctJones+ Ewen 13

R Stevens ct & bowled Ford 14

E Long ct Jones+ Ford 12

P Norman lbw Raza 11

C Allen lbw Ford 11

H Chaudhary st Jones+ Tughral 28

S Macpherson * bowled Tughral 2

T Stevens bowled Tughral 0

C Roberts + ct Jones+ Ewen 25

J Barnett ct Ewen Raza 20

A Bunce not out 3

extras 15

total 154

Wick Bowlers O M R W nb wi

J Ewen 12 2 32 2 1 5

D Ford 17 5 52 3 0 2

K Raza 11.1 5 26 2 0 0

Z Tughral 9 2 27 3 0 1

R Cole 2 0 11 0 0 0

HWRCC Innings

S McArthur lbw Barnett 6

A Jackson ct Roberts+ Stevens 1

M Davies * bowled Stevens 23

K Raza ct Bunce Stevens 9

A Mahoney ct R Stevens Chaudhary 15

P Hibberd lbw Chaudhary 0

R Cole bowled Chaudhary 0

Z Tughral ct Tomkins Stevens 12

G Jones + not out 4

J Ewen not out 0

D Ford did not bat

extras 20

total 90

Horley Bowlers O M R W nb wi

J Barnett 9 3 24 1 0 3

R Stevens 12 4 20 4 0 2

A Bunce 4 1 11 0 0 0

S Macpherson 8 3 14 0 0 2

H Chaudhary 11 5 12 3 0 0

Dubious Footwear

Reports reach Wickman that Cransey is abroad in the sunshine. In and of itself this is not particularly worrying, or even noteworthy. However, Wickman hears that he has purchased outrageous footwear with proper money as opposed to being paid to wear them (see picture) and is going around in broad daylight, using his own given name, wearing the stuff. While no one should take fashion advice from Wickman (or Goldy for that matter) Wickman does think that it will be a special day when Adam chooses to wear these down The Wick.

Sunday xi vs Teddington Town - by Goldy

Sunday XI vs Teddington Town XI - Bushy Parky League - 3rd June 2007.

Teddington Town 103 all out

HWRCC 104-2

HWRCC won by 8 Wickets

MOM - Sissen

Goulborn *, Mackie, Garf, Copeland H +, Iqbal, Cameron, Bishop, Vader, Austin, Hibberd, Sissen

Unfortunately for the batsmen in the team, the dream of amassing a huge total on Sunday was shattered when yours truly lost the toss and was asked to field. With a previous best team total of 346 off forty overs against Teddington Town, you can understand their greediness. That said, fielding first gave the youthful members in the team a good chance to showcase their talents and further prove the Wick has a bright future. Junaid Iqbal, a 13 year old fast/medium bowler made yet another senior appearance and bowled tight lines, rarely giving away easy runs. He was rewarded for his efforts bowling the opening batsmen who had carried his bat through 30 odd overs, middle stump.

The other opening bowler Tom Austin (still at school, but now almost a Sunday veteran) showed what the Wick has been missing this season with some genuinely quick, lively bowling. “Harmy” picked up two wickets for his troubles. Note to 2s Captain Fudge, as soon as his exams are over, Harmys in, FACT! The other wickets were shared around between Vader (3) who bowled some delicious off spin that was reminiscent of Del Boys spell in the emphatic twos win the day before, Myself (pies) and Jimmy C bowling tight and as usual, aggressive. Harry Copleland (who in the morning won the game for the Wick u13s with a fantastic 30 odd not out) kept well behind the stumps. The keeper, aged twelve showed exceptional talent and it wont be too long before the young lad starts featuring prominently it the adult set up. I asked Garf to give him some advice, and he told me he was too good for advice from him, now that is praise!

So Teddington Town set us a measly 103 to chase down. With a batting order that consisted of big hitters such as Mackie, Barrel, Hibby, Sisso and Copeland, this target was never really going to trouble us. With this in mind the order was shuffled around a bit and early on we did our best to make it difficult for ourselves. Barrel went second ball when Vader raised the finger for a ‘dubious’ LBW decision (don’t worry vader, we ve all made them!eh del!?) and Hibby went shortly after playing an equally dubious shot to their decent left armer, having played some decent shots off the leg spinner. Bobby and Garf settled things down and eventually saw us home. Bobby proved he still had what it takes when he hit a HUGE six into the club house – definitely the highlight of the innings. Garf set about his innings in a professional manner playing technically sound and very straight, hitting some lovely four down the ground.

Wick win. Job done.

MOM – Sisso

Dick of the day – Jimmy C for shouting at an oppo fielder when he was about to take a catch. Then when seeing we were all cringing on the sidelines asking “isn’t that what you do?” bloody Aussies!

WICK!

Here's a gratuitous picture of AJ with more hair.

Tour 2007 - Southampton

Deadline for commitment to tour is 23 June. This pub is called The Bat and Ball. It's near Hambledon. Hambledon was one of the first ever cricket clubs. This pub - on Broad Halfpenny Down - is considered to be the birthplace of cricket. Wickman can safely say that having a pint here, on tour, in the middle of July has got to beat the life out of work / being at home broke / hanging around the Wick when everyone else is on tour. Sign up now. You know it makes sense. Every Wick Man (and woman) should do his or her duty...

Quiz Night

If you didn't make it to quiz night a week or so ago you missed a cracking evening. Del, Fudgey, Mackie and Tommy D combined with their better halfs to take the spoils. Hibby - pictured here in an outrageous waistcoat - played to Del's strong point with a round on cockernee rhyming slang although quite where he got some of his definitions from is open to some conjecture.

Goldy is pictured here trying to drag his team back into the contest with a valiant apple bobbing attempt and assembled Wick members and guests are pictured in the "Wickton Factor" round wearing as much cricket gear as they could find in 5 minutes. A cracking evening.

Many thanks to Dom, Tun-Up, Northern Nick D, Hibby and Clarky for organising and cooking. Look out for the next social at the end of June.

3rds vs Crossbats.... Match Rep by Wickman Jr

HWRCC 3RD XI vs CROSSBATS

TEAM – Lloydy (c), Jimmy C, Taylorson, Conner, Doddy, Sayce, Iqbal, Tommy, Kirky, Derrick.

HWRCC finish on 8-130; Paul “strokemaker” Sayce making a majestic 65 and Taylorson a cheeky 20.

CROSSBATS finish with 4-134, winning by 6 wickets.

Please welcome back into the fold….Ashley Giles

Hampton Wick Royal Cricket Club, Bushey Park, Hampton Wick, has been the setting for many special occasions over the last hundred odd years. It was the venue for the Queen’s first outdoor sojourn amongst the common folk (you might have to check that on wikipedia – Wickman Junior doesn’t have time for these trivialities), the place where actress Kierra Knightly turned up for a few cheeky beverages (and had her cheeks tested, if you take Joey’s word as read), and the first official sighting of Wickman, still revered as the doyen of the club. Jimmy C disputes this though…. “who is Wickman?”

But all of these events, while significant in the Club’s history, pale in comparison to what can only be described as the most surreal day ever witnessed at The Wick. For May 26th 2007 was the day that Mrs Cricket himself, Ashley Giles MBE (or OBE…again Wikipedia it), made a triumphant return to the game playing for the Crossbats. It was a privilege to say that we were there to witness such an august occasion.

Despite the doubts of HWRCC’s 3rd XI about the veracity of Ashley Giles’ appearance for the Crossbats, new captain “Lloydy” (“do you want me to tell you my average again?”) decided to get down to business and ignore the naysayers. Heading out to bat on a newly trimmed and refurbished outfield (Many thanks to Fudgey for taking heed of Wickman Junior’s comments on these pages last week), the Wick set about posting a solid total.

Led by the masterful Paul Sayce (“are you AJ in disguise?”) and “Direct” Derrick, we looked totally at ease with the opening bowlers. Pushing boundaries and singles at ease, the opening pair had already racked up 20 odd by the time Derrick (“the weather in this country is toilet – FACT”), got an unlucky top edge and was sent packing. And despite Doddy (“just back from Vegas”) and Lloydy going cheaply, we were still confident of posting a score.

But Ashley Giles didn’t just pick Hampton Wick for a “light-hearted” return to the game, and just be “a part” of the action. Not on your nelson. As Jimmy C strode purposely out to the wicket (despite recent knocks), “Gilo” had already found our weakness, and the game was as good as over as a contest. As Sayce skied another hook shot to the boundary, “Gilo” - just like he did from Ponting in the Second Ashes Test in Adelaide last year – dropped a sitter. It was just the spur the Crossbats needed.

With their Captain sighting this typical “Gilo” ineptitude on the boundary, Ashley was brought on to bowl his usual left arm pies. Game over. Whether it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things “Gilo”, like the master he is, tore through Jimmy C and the remaining batsmen – despite the brief resistance of Taylorson and Robinson. Managing only 130, the Wick had succumbed to Mrs Cricket. Welcome back to the game mate.

After a lovely tea interval and a few encouraging words from Clarky - “130 is defendable – FACT” – we took to the field. With one player short, Lloydy deputizing behind the stumps, and the rain becoming stronger, we were up against it from the get-go. “Gilo”, spurred on by Jimmy C’s taunts at first slip, punished our openers all over the park. Jimmy C is developing a reputation for stupid sledging (note: how long can you go before the saying “that’s probing Iqbal…good stuff” gets overused?)

“Direct” and “Iqbal”, although talented bowlers, could not match the quality of “Gilo” – it was a harsh but important lesson for the Wick. The pundits often say that “form is temporary and class is forever” and Gilo, the best thing to happen to cricket since Mark Ealham rolled his arm over, fits this description to a T.

Despite a few late wickets and a great catch by Jimmy C (the ball was a sponge at this point – FACT), the Crossbats coasted to victory. As “Gilo” walked off with bat in hand, acknowledging the crowd, Wickman Junior shed a cheeky tear. I have never considered “turning” for anyone in my life, but at 6.00 pm on May 26th 2007, it could easily have happened.

Best of luck for the future “Gilo”, and welcome back!

Wickman Junior