New Wick Poker Champion Crowned

A new Wick poker champion was finally crowned in the small hours of Sunday morning after a closely contested three hour final. A final table of Lownsy's landlord Mikey, Lownsy's mate Pete, Hibby, Clarky, Powelly and Mackie duelled it out in close card combat until finally Clarky drew a staight on the turn to beat Powelly's high pair. Earlier, Olly Lloyd (Teddington) had just missed out a final berth being the short stack. His consolation was to win the "plate" final beating stiff competition from Wickles, Matti, Lownsy, Joey and Lingers. Powelly had earlier been chip leader on his table and was, rather like the seconds leading for all but the final day of last season, unlucky to come a close second. £££s were raised for club funds.

Useful recipe

Wickman threatened to eat his hat if Jimmy Anderson made a successful return to the Test side:

Recipe:

Take one hat. Slice into thin strips.

Chop one onion finely and crush a clove of garlic.

Melt some butter. Add onion and garlic. Lightly colour. Add hat. Fry hat until browned. Add one tin of tomatoes. Turn down heat. Cook 'til hat absorbs moisture.

Heat pan of boiling water. Add enough spaghetti for one. Cook 'til al dente.

Drain spaghetti and mix with hat mixture.

Eat.

Enjoy.

Wicket Keeper's Union

Those of us with Matrix skills have enjoyed the debut and 2nd Test of young Tim Ambrose. Not only has he thrashed a quickish ton against the Kiwis to go with a 50 in the first test, he's actually clung on to a couple of chances too! Wonders will never cease.

Typically pundits are calling him the best gloveman since Bob Taylor/Alan Knott/O J Simpson (neatly forgetting Jack Russell) and the finest English 'keeper in bat wieldingness since Alec Stewart. Many predict he his here to stay for many a moon etc etc. Someone (Athers or Gower) even said that his stature (he's diminuitive) means he is the same size as Tendulkar, Lara and Bradman so he's got advantages there too.

Wickman could hardly believe his rheumy old eyes. What a load of old Tosh! Good luck Tim. You will need it mate. With pundits like this on your side you will go from Tendultkar to Chris Martin and from Russell to Trescothick (he kept atrociously in one dayers for a while) in seconds!

A couple of things. Matt Prior bashed a ton against the Windies in his first test and didn't drop anything for days after his debut. Now he can't get a game for The Wick never mind England. He wasn't even on the A tour Wickman thinks.

Tim's ton was much needed and deserving of the MOM tag. However it was hardly watertight and the innings of a batting prodigy. Let's say he played and missed a bit... Secondly he grassed a chance and missed a stumping on Day 4 leading to much humming and a bit of hawwing in the Sky Commentary box. Tutting was heard. Two out of three commentators suggested he should have taken both.

Let's see shall we? The catch was a thick edge, deflected downwards that would not have carried to first slip. Timmy was standing up to the stumps. Not a hope. No reaction time so he would have needed to have his gloves outside the line of the ball to a ball that was going away from him. He would need to be Inspector Gadget. Keanu Reaves wouldn't have laid a finger on it.

The stumping was a bit easier. Technically the commentators were suggesting he came up too early. Now admittedly Wickman was watching the replays with his head in the recline position after a couple of glasses of Malbec but this chance seemed to squirt through an invisible gap (rather than beating the bat on the outside which is the "regulation" type of chance) and kept almost grubberishly low. It was just unfortunate. If he had taken it cleanly and whipped 'em off it would have been a really good effort which any keeper around the world would have purred over.

So good luck mate. A tip though. Not on keeping or batting of course. Wickman's not so presumptuous. No. It's the name. Change it to something strong and masculine like Wickman. Since the days of the fist pumping washing powder endorsing prince of SW19 Wickman just can't get behind anyone called Tim...

Nat West Cricket Force

Gents and Alison. It is Natwest Cricket Force weekend on April 5/6. This is the weekend when we bend our backs in service of the club. Last year we transformed the pav from the antiquated shack that you see here to our own dear Wick.

You will remember that the outside of the Wick was creosoted. That we painted the metal detail. That we painted the walls downstairs. That we re-cricketed the bar with memorabilia (and found Frank in the cupboard). A new flag was run up the pole. Nets were re-erected. And so much more.

Because only about 15 people turned up (curse you stay aways) the usual suspects came back week after week for most of April to finish the job off. Which was a right pain in the Harris. So this year, could you ALL see your way clear to lending at least half a day on Saturday 5th?

For those of you filled with impatience and not prepared to suffer fools gladly of course there will be milling around and a lack of authoritative leadership on the day. It's the Wick. We're a cricket club. There is not a professional site foreman amongst us. Get over it. Heck you may even have to stand around for half an hour talking to your cricket mates while we work out how best to use your supreme talents!

Please email Wickman to tell him that you will turn up and to volunteer for work. If you are hiding any special talents (painting, scorebox renovation, putting up nets, driveway clearance etc) please tell him...

A nice young lady for Wickman

Once again Wickman is in receipt of exciting correspondence of a financial nature. This time a very attractive sounding (and slightly naive) young lady contacts him from the Cote D'Ivoire (how glamorous)! From: Susan Duke. Address: 01 bp 422 Abidjan 01 Cote d'Ivoire

Dearest one, I am Miss Susan Duke (woof woof!), the only daughter of my late parents Mr and Mrs Jeremy Duke.

My father was a highly reputable business magnet (a business magnet! Magnet! That sounds useful. Is a business magnet a sort of genius new business creator? You just stick them somewhere near reception and they simply attract clients through the door? Or is like a fanny magnet but different?) who operated in the capital of Abidjan Cote d'Ivoire during his days. It is sad to say that he passed away mysteriously in France (That is sad. If you aren't French it must a bitch to breathe your last there and end up having Froggies probing your dead body in a mortuary. Think Diana. It's not good) during one of his business trips abroad on the 12th September 2005. Though his sudden death was linked or rather suspected to have been masterminded by an uncle of mine (goodness gracious! This is like an episode of Columbo but set in France. Maybe more like Bergerac then) who travelled with him at that time. But God knows the truth!

My mother died when i was just 6yrs old, and since then my father took me so special (the dirty kiddy-fiddling pervert. This is a tragic story!) Before the death of my father on 12th September 2005, he called me and informed me that he has the sum of seven million, five hundred thousand united state dollars. ($7.500.000.00 USD) left in a Security Company here in Cote d'Ivoire. He further told me that he deposited the money in my name and also gave me all the necessary both legal documents regarding to this deposit with the Security Company (a guilty man will do that). I am just 23 years old (woof woof! send Wickman a photo!!!) and a university undergraduate and really don't know what to do (hello!!!).

now i want an honest and God fearing (I could pretend) partner overseas who i can transfer this deposit with his assistance and after the transaction iwill come and reside permanently in your country till such a time that it will be convenient for me to return back home if i so desire. This is because i have suffered a lot of set backs as a result of incessant political crisis here in Cote d'ivoire.

The death of my father actually brought sorrow to my life (I would have thought you would have been delighted seeing as you were suffering from him taking you so special the whole time). i also want to invest the fund under your care because i am ignorant of business world (Hoo hoooooo! Just make the check out to Mr W Ickman, c/o The Wick. We'll invest the money in some useful financial instruments called covers, nets and a roller). i am in a sincere desire of your humble assistance in this regards. Your suggestion and ideas will be highly regarded. Now permit me to ask these few questions: 1. can you honestly help me from your heart? (oh yes) 2. Can i completely trust you? (snigger) 3. What percentage of the total amount will be good for you after thedeposit is delivered to your care? (let's say 15% - not that you'll ever see the other 85 but we need to start the negotiations somehwere). Please consider these and get back tome as soon as possible. I will be expecting your reply. Thanks and God bless you.

Yours Sincerely

Susan Duke.

Dear Susan

Please send me a photo of you in the buff and we'll see what we can do...

Yours

Wickman

2nd Test ball by ball

1937: Wickman spots Sports Relief does the Apprentice starts at 9.00pm. 1938: Wickman decides the only thing that would have amused him about watching the cricket this evening would have been us losing the toss and New Zealand batting. It's car crash time surely.

Make me drool please Peter

Wickman was already sick before he decided to turn in with England 30-4 in their second innings against the mighty Kiwis on Saturday night at 2315. During the night Wickman slid into his own personal hell of stomach cramps and nausea. But the shit was truly hitting the fan in Hamilton. The Brit Journopack had all predicted a clean sweep for England down under and someone was going to have to pay...

John Buchanan, former Australian coach and reader of obscure treatise on war, was largely dismissed in the media by his players. Perhaps it was Warne, perhaps it was McGrath, but people in that camp would intimate that they were too good to be coached and that Buck was just there to "put out the cones".

Bob Woolmer (RIP - how did we never get him as coach?) was, media stories alleged, over-ruled and mistreated by the hierarchy of the Pakistan team. Balooooo was not going to be told what to do. Dinky Dunky Fletch didn't really deliver in his final Ashes campaign or World Cup and managed to get his retaliation in first against Freddie and his acolytes in double quick time.

Talented sportsmen don't need coaches is the modern mantra. So you have to blame England then for the batting collapses and bowling surrenders of the last 18 months and in particular for the Alan Bysmal 110 on the last day in Hamilton. That Harmison can't get the ball down the other end any quicker than Paul Collingwood is not the fault of the England management. That we scored so appallingly slowly in Adelaide and in Sri Lanka and then again in the first innings in Hamilton is not the fault of our Zimbabwean batting coach. It must be down to the players...

Back in the 1990s when England was a byword for catastrophe in cricket, there was a team chaplain, Wingers-Diggers (Andrew Wingfield Digby). What a laugh riot. You've just got out and a man of the cloth comes across and puts the consoling arm of the Lord around you to help out. Please God, make my next innings a match winner. Bwahahahahahaha.

Maybe, just maybe, Shane Warne was such a talent that he didn't need coaching. Maybe, just maybe, Inzi was too good to be coached. The Australian team might even be good enough to downgrade the support that they need to various technical coaches.

But there is no way that ANY England player currently in New Zealand can claim to be one of the game's greats. So what will Peter Moores do? This the worst England display this "correspondent" can recall for more than a decade. It's spineless, whingeing craven stuff. The ex-players in the scorebox are almost suicidal. Your average armchair fan can't stay awake for more than a couple of overs.

Mr Moores. Most of your team look scared. The batsmen look tortured, afraid to play their games in case they get out. Harmison is shot. There's a man that has fallen out of love with playing cricket for England. He's a decent man they say. Wickman could have told you a long time ago that he doesn't have, on his own, the temperament for it. Wickman has read interviews with him where he has essentially said that his talent comes with no fortitude. He doesn't like bowling quickly. He doesn't want to utilise the inherent threat of being able to connect leather with flesh and bone to his and to England's advantage. He's not ruthless. Can anyone really imagine him, Marshallesque, threatening to come round the wicket to kill David Boon? More likely he'd bowl a few half volleys to get Boon to a ton.

Pietersen has stopped playing Bertie Big Bollocks cricket. He seems to Wickman to have lost all the arsehole qualities that made him so special in 2005. He seems to have tightened up his game to point where he has become, whisper it, ORTHODOX. Michael Vaughan? He's a God on Earth but he's not getting big scores. Andrew Strauss... Ian Bell is not getting big scores.

So this is where the coach earns his money surely. The fielding drills are working Mr M - you have turned Alastair Cook into Jonty Rhodes. But where are the cojones? Where's the belief? Where's the trust in teammates? Where is the sheer talent in this team? Spunk. Performance... call it what you will.

Somehow Peter Moores has to put some self belief back into this team, into the individuals or, frankly, sack them and find someone else to do the jobs that they are paid to do with the joy and enthusiasm that we should be seeing out there.

Currently the drool on quarter of a million chins round the UK is because 250000 punters are falling asleep on the nation's sofas. Wickman was drooling at 4am Sunday morning because he was in that state that we only reach when shallow breathing and a clenched ringpiece are the only things that will stop other effluvia flowing. We should be drooling over sublime bowling figures and big tons. It should be pleasureable. Please.

How funny is this?

Andrew Symonds is now legendary. And we thought Harbhajan was in trouble. Wickman may have got the wrong end of the stick but it looks as if Symmo (Brummie Turncoat) could go down for five tests, 10 one day internationals or LIFE. Makes calling him a monkey (or using a word in another language that sounds like Monkey) look like small fry. Basically its a minimum of six months off. He can hardly duck this one. Looks like it was one hell of a punch. Must be gutting to have lost the one day series too. Wickman read somewhere that the trophy will never be played for again. Which means India get to keep it. Revenge. Best served cold. Adam Gilwho...

Wickman's ball by ball - 1st Test - Hamilton

Yeeeessss. Good evening everyone. It's a freezing cold evening here in Wick Road. The sun is trying to shine out from the box in the corner of the room. The Sky coverage kicks off with some ridiculous operatic music, atmospheric pictures that could have been nicked from Lord of the Rings. Its straight over to the Silver Fox. So far so good. No sign of Bob Willis thank the Lord.

appx 2100. The toss. Tails never fails... unfortunately Mickey V calls heads. He gives good interview but largely Wickman's taking out the message that the deck is a belter. Rather sweetly, Wickman notices that Vaughny's Mum (it must be, surely) has written the initials MPV under the number on his sunhat - probably in unwashable ink in case someone in the dressing room tries to pinch his kit.

2105. First view of David Lloyd and Nasser Hussain since Sri Lanka. Lloyd has been at the dodgy tie cupboard. Nasser looks as though he's been at the hair dye - and whisper it - his hair seems to be making a remarkable surge forwards down his spam. It might just be that he's combing it forward. Either that or he's got a black pen and drawn some on. David Lloyd may well have been at the taninabottle.

2107. Lloyd and Hussain tuck into some well pitched up deliveries from Gower. They stroke Strauss' career through the covers. They turn Bell off their legs for a single to fine leg. Hussain says our boys aren't able to put on 415 for the first wicket. Finally Lloyd heaps the pressure on Ambrose. Gower says "It's a different game, Test Match Cricket". Wickman agrees. Its not the same as Lacrosse, Rugby, Cluedo... and into an ad break...

2116. Willis. Snore. He looks more gaunt than ever. Like Skeletor from He-Man. Wickman was once taking a train into Waterloo. Willizzzzzz got on at somewhere like Raynes Park with a MILF. He was wearing a leather jacket. No word of a lie. He then chewed the MILF's face off. It didn't look like they were married. None of Wickman's business, but if you are a famous sportsman or woman, would you, should you chew the face off anything on public transport? Should you BE on public transport.

2117. Disaster. Mrs Wickman pronounces herself disatisfied that cricket is on during primetime with New Zealand 0-0 from 0.3. Shameless has started on C4. Sky + to the rescue...

Much later

Its lunch. NZ have made 86 for the loss of one wicket. Bell has a lump the size of one of Wickman's lost golf balls on the side of his wrist. Nazzzzzzzer is droning on like a wasp that has smoked weed and sat in the sun for too long. What has happened to Sky's commentary team? Christ. Sir Ian Boretham. Dour (D Ower get it...). Willizzzzzzzzzzzz. And David Lloyd. How many Lancastrians must hate that comedy knob. Wickman cannot believe that the guy used to be England coach. Or maybe (we flippin murdered em) he can.

Match later + 5 mins

How does Ben Dirs do this shit?

Social Nights March, April, May

The first Wick social of the year is this month on Saturday 29th March beginning at 1930hrs. Yes it's Poker Night. A relatively quiet affair at which AJ trousered the pot last year, this year its time to put your poker face on, get practicing on Facebook and work out how to avoid looking like Ricky Ponting plumb in front and waiting for the finger when your bluff is called.

Poker will, of course, be the focus of the evening. Your entry fee of £20 will buy you a donation to club funds, food*, beer^ and contribution to the prize pot. Places will be available at a series of tables, the eventual winners at which will join the "Wick Table of Champions" or other such title when we've thought it up to duel for the main prize of the night.

This in no way cliched image will give you no idea whatsoever how the evening is set to pan out.

Your social committee would like you to reserve a number of other dates to be entertained and entertaining.

Hibby and the Eskimos will make a triumphant return to The Wick on Saturday April 12th from 1930hrs. Although none of you will have need of a girlfriend once the season starts, there will be real, live, outsiders at this evening as the H&TheEs fanbase (Ethel and Mavis Scoggins of Surbiton) will be invited. Only kidding btw they are legendary... This promises to be a massive night in Wick history so start warming up your vocal cords and current girlfriend to attend this. There is likely to be dancing of the modern variety at this evening too. Ticket prices will be in the region of £5 to go to the club as a donation by the Eskimos for the club providing rehearsal space.

We will have our first First League Game Party (inc Barbecue - fill your boots) on May 10th. This is to welcome new members to the club and to celebrate the fact that we will have put out three league teams that day! Entertainments etc will be communicated at a later date but you can bet your bottom dollar, Euro or £ that it will include Karaoke, cocktails (bring those girlfriends picked up on April 12th and any that you have managed to hold onto into May).

Wickman is so excited, that he just can't hide it, he's about to lose control and he thinks that, on balance, he just might like it...