Guess Who the Zulus Are…

The Wick bowling attack has S&L 9 down but can't make the final breakthrough

HWRCC 4xi vs Staines and Laleham
HWRCC 194-8 (45.5 overs) Clark 79, Miles 46
Staines and Yawnham 89-9 (45 overs)
HWRCC winning draw (4pts) by 105 runs

Zulu is a film that we watch at Easter and other bank holidays. It commemorates the battle of Rourke’s Drift in 1879. It’s a rollicking good watch.

The Brits were trying to take over Southern Africa. No doubt we were pretty keen on diamonds, gold and nice beaches. Quite rightly the local populace were less than impressed.

Thousands of them gathered together at Isandlwana and kicked seven shades of shit out of the Brits and then surrounded a handful of fleeing infantry, engineers and the wounded at a missionary station in Natal. The Brits had guns, officers, a bit of pluck and skills. The oppo – Zulus – had numbers (about 4000), plenty of very sharp looking spears, one or two rifles and the geographical advantage.

11 Victoria Crosses were won at Rourke’s Drift. Wave upon wave of Zulu warriors charged at the station – eventually the Brits fell back in a last ditch stand – and following the fiercest hand to hand combat you can imagine eventually the Zulus decided enough was enough and withdrew. In real life this was because a relief army was on its way. In the film there is singing of songs – Zulu warriors saluting the bravery of their foe, the Brits belting out Men of Harlech.

Today’s game of cricket was a bit like the battle of Rourke’s Drift. It was, like that battle, eventually a draw after waves and waves of Wick pressure were repulsed by S&L. But there the similarity ends. If the S&L mob are handing out Victoria crosses this morning it would be a shame. And the men of the Wick will not be singing songs of praise for their bravery. And Wickman doubts very much that Staines will be returning the favour either.

The Staines skipper had, like the Brits, lost a battle before he got to the Wick – the 3s skipper had taken all his batting. So a rag tag army turned up to Kingsfield, won the toss, decided to bowl (ATS – Clarky would have done the same) and gave up at tea, never chasing the target.

That said, he had bought his best attack with him. Which makes it all the more surprising that Miles and Clark put on 125 for the first wicket, batting authoritatively and accelerating well after they’d seen the shine off. There were a few edges and the odd drop – Clarky was palmed over the boundary for one of his sixes and Miles was put down by a bowler – but this was not a streaky partnership. It was hot out there and they thoroughly demoralised the oppo and ground them into the dust.

The oppo started with some control – four of their five maidens were bowled in the first 8 overs – but once the batsmen got used a pitch that had some skiddy pace in it – they plundered runs at a rate of 5 an over so that by over 30 125 had been amassed. There were some good looking shots out there. A pulled six and a bullet quick off drive from Clarky, late cuts and chunky drives from Miles were the highlights. The perfect platform had been set for those who would follow.

Miles departed a boundary sort of his fifty caught at mid off attempting to find that boundary. Lloydy drove down the wrong line and was bowled. It’s often like that after you’ve sat and watched for 30 overs. Clark eventually perished with the score on 155 from 36. A fightback by S&L at this point snuffed out much acceleration (Edmonds and Usman tried to give it some tap) and we reached 194 from 45.4. There was some muttering about umpiring decisions – but as these are our teammates they are our umpiring decisions…

The pick of the oppo bowlers was opener Cole and Gyves Jr was surprisingly rapid. He’s going to be a handful in a couple of years. Rafiq sprayed it around a bit and picked up a few wickets. Gyves Sr took a couple of wickets when the slog was on.

You know of course, in hindsight, that this was too many runs. Why did the acting skipper of the day bat on this long? S&L came third in this league last year and have regularly put decent scores on. His reasoning was to give them the same number of overs back as they should have been capable of chasing. In the event we probably could have declared after 30 overs and still won the game. Because S&L never really made even a token attempt.

Tea – Wickman has been away a long time and had forgotten DBW’s arts. It was magnificent to be back tasting that special sauce in the egg sandwiches etc. As per there was nothing different and there were no home baked cakes so it’s a very creditable 8 and exactly why Clarky came out of retirement.

The Staines innings was largely an abomination – the hideous mutated offspring of an alien beast, a Chernobylled Zebu and one of those American women who has had too much plastic surgery. Did anyone on their side really believe there was a chance they could chase this? Wickman doubts it. A couple of shots were played in anger, but the leading scorer for S&L was our old friend E X Tras who amassed 38. Which meant that all of S&L’s batsmen together put on a measly 51 from 45 overs. Crap really.

For S&L the Colts Hunt and Gyves look like proper cricketers who in the future will make many runs for S&L - but in the engine room of the S&L reply they were not going to be able to move things on quick enough. Perhaps Rafiq and Carty might have been able to make a go of it, but neither really got in for long enough.

Our bowling was good. Three colts – Jack Smith, James Hoppe and Olly King – between them produced the figures 17-6-25-3 – which was very good indeed. Jack was 5-3-2-1! All bowled with admirable control and did exactly what was asked of them. Phenomenal stuff. Usman bowled 9 overs of interesting looking off spin and took a wicket. Collier too. Splinter and even Clarky took a wicket each. But when a side has decided to shut up shop – which probably happened round about the 10 over mark – balls have to be hitting the stumps to have a chance of taking wickets and not enough of ours were. A couple of stiff chances were put down in the cordon but the standard of the fielding was good.

In such situations tempers fray and there were some fractious moments. The umpires need to be on top of things and look like they know the rules – which wasn’t the case here. A bump ball catch was appallingly adjudicated causing annoyance all round – eventually Wickman thinks the right decision was made – the batsman was reinstated – but that was largely done through negotiation as the umpires conspired together to give the benefit of the doubt, largely on the testimony of the batsman.

Elsewhere one of their bats started complaining about our over rate when the skipper and keeper were mid conference – which earned him a sharp retort about pots and kettles which he didn’t like – before hilariously running himself out the next ball and then, for all the world, looking like he was going to murder Lloydy. Unedifying…

We took wickets regularly but no attacking shots were being played towards the end and it became harder and harder to winkle folk out. One of the oppo played French cricket for his entire innings and got very upset that he was receiving some needle. He celebrated the draw hard at the end. It didn’t feel like anyone should be handing out medals...

Staines went away whining that we had bowled our overs slowly and were in some bad humour because of it. Here are the facts: Staines and Laleham took 3.5 hours to bowl their overs. Due to Clark smashing some of it into the bushes they wasted some time looking for balls certainly. We bowled ours (including three extra overs of extras) in 2.45 hours. 45 minutes faster. Erm – 16.36 overs per hour. Staines and Laleham bowled theirs at 12.85. A bit crap really.

These mutterings aside it was a good game for the Wick. In hindsight we had far too many runs. But we had 45 overs to bowl the oppo out and that should have been enough. To get so agonisingly close was a bit of a bore but a dominant performance should be some comfort. The Zulus didn’t manage to get a victory at Rourke’s Drift despite the Brits being about 8 down on a very dodgy track… No doubt the top Zulu would be saying that they’d had the best of the game too…

MOM Clarky. Runnssss.

Kempton CC 4xi vs Hampton Wick Royal CC 4xi
Kempton won the toss
HWRCC 175 all out in 39.2 (McMullen 44, Clark 36 – Smith 5-46)
Kempton 168 all out in 49.4 (Osbourn 56, R Inger 30, E X Tras 29!!! - McMullen 5-24)
HWRCC wins by 7 runs

Selves*, Holland+, Miles, Edmonds, Clark, Mcmullan, Mohit, Lown, Linter, Laight, Unsworth

McMullen Clinches Win as Others Clench

Back in the day Wickman had a job in an organization that specialised in working with British Industry to determine whether products were, as they say in the world of business, fit for purpose. People there spent years in committees determining how to describe what various widgets were for and how they should be made. It was mind numbing stuff. One committee had been meeting twice a year and working in between for 20 years and still had not been able to come up with a definition for what a mountain bike actually was. If you think about it hard enough, they said to Wickman, you’ll realise how difficult it actually is.

Wickman sympathised and hoped journalists would never call to ask why it was taking so long as he wondered whether they would share the committee’s bepuzzlement. On balance he felt not. There was however one part of the organization which seemed like great fun to part of. Here, on a trading estate North of London, a team of engineers systematically beat the cr*p out of things to work out when they broke. This was to determine whether they would do their job when in situ. Wickman watched as sleds containing dummies were crashed into walls, things were fired at other things and weights were dropped on helmets for example. Scrupulous notes were taken etc etc.

Yesterday was such a stress test for the Wick’s fourth eleven – the place, apart from the 1xi, where the experienced eye lingers to determine strength and depth of a club’s resources. Test conditions were not ideal. Kempton’s second pitch is next to Sunbury’s most leafy avenue and is football pitch shaped with short boundaries to left and right and a longish slog to the straight ones.

As last week Clarky’s car key sank into the depths of the strip immediately. It was stodgy. More worryingly for nervous batsmen, all over the square, which seemed to be hewn from a football pitch, there were strange plants growing. It looked like some of the growing beasties from the Invasion of the Body Snatchers were competing for space and light with a plethora of Audrey II’s from Little Shop of Horrors. Some of these were round about a good length. Like Lords it sloped from one side of the track to the other. Viewed from one angle, with the back of Kempton Park’s grandstand in the background you could almost convince yourself… no – it was a rotten looking deck which would claim victims in equal measure later in the match.

Unlike last week the toss was lost and this week the Wick would be asked to set a target. Whilst last week the batting looked thinner than Clarky’s hair on top, this week there was some depth to it and this would prove crucial. In the opening exchanges Phil Miles looked busy but he would perish early to Osborn bowled and before Clarky could get his bearings, Charles was done by one that moved a mile off the pitch. VERY unlucky. Selvesy joined and like last week he and Clarky attempted to steady the ship. Unfortunately before too long Selvesy top edged a sweep and spooned one up to the man on the 45. 20-3. Dutchy – who looked just short of a million dollars – arrived in the middle and boshed it around a bit before calling a second to a mis-field and finding himself just short of his ground.

And so the Wick was deep in the mire with 34 on the board and four men back in the hutch. Kirky came out and played extremely straight and extremely sensibly before blazing a series of cuts and late cuts to the boundary, looking like a club version of David Gower.

Clarky, still circumspect as last week, was though finding the middle of the bat this week and combined cautious defence of the straight stuff with some attacking blows. A savage clubbed four down the ground came right out of the middle like a rocket and almost killed Lownsy (umpiring) and Kirky (non-striker) before whistling to the boundary and immediately necessitating fundamental field changes. From last week where the ring around him was tighter than the proverbial gnat’s rear end, this week he was offered singles down the ground to longs off and on which he took gratefully. Just as he was beginning to look good – an enormous maximum off a bouncer clubbed into Sunbury’s premier residential street and someone’s front garden, clearing on the way impressively tall horse chestnuts - he was undone by drinks and not the ones he had had the night before.

Having seen off with Kirky one of the openers, Inwood, he became frustrated by his inability to smear away the filthy looseners from the new bowler after the break and patted a full toss to cover on the boundary. A tame end to an innings which was promising more and a partnership which had put on 45. And once again the Wick was on the knife edge. With such a small ground we needed to kick on and get some runs because despite our bowling attack we would need some to defend. At this point we had only 79 which was not enough.

Kirky too perished as drinks brought not one but two. Mohit – who likes to mow hit as we know from Matty D – then did just that and entertained with a very brisk and boundary-laden 19 before running himself out. He was partnered by Paddy McM who first quietly and then explosively tore into the change bowlers pulling anything short over the short boundary for six. He rattled along, belieing his age and the pitch to a swashbuckling 44 before unfortunately holing out to mid on.

Smith for the oppo who filthily removed Clarky, was flourishing now as the lower order bats started to whirl like dervishes and would pick up five. You can’t argue with the book but we think he will bowl better without quite reaching the same juggy heights. Unsworth played very well from 9 and scored an entertaining 20 something. Splints picked out long off Inwood, who was extremely surprised to pouch another having just got rid of Paddy at long on, and there remained only time for Lown to get off the mark with a boundary (ATS) before Runsworth got the double brackets to end our knock.

At the break between the innings 176 felt like enough. But the relative brevity of our innings – we failed to fully utilise the 40th over – left Kempton 51 overs to reply. You can look at it two ways. We probably wouldn’t have declared at 40 although Wickman did not quiz the skipper on this and by chucking away a few wickets almost certainly unwittingly created a game of it. Our innings was dominated by Paddy’s knock and without it would have been too brief and insubstantial. Only a herculanean performance with the ball by a bowler would deny him the MOM Wickman ruminated on the way to tea. That so many lower order bats chipped in spoke volumes for the resilience in the side and passed the stress test mentioned earlier. On another day we might have struggled to amass 120 with half the side gone. As it was the last four wickets produced almost 100 runs. Well played.

And so to tea. Kempton teas have been described before most mouth wateringly by Sir Matthew of D after a 1s visit and Wickman’s saliva was already washing like the tide over coastal rocks around his teeth before he saw it. Good pasta smells tickled his nostrils along with the tang of garlic bread. Sandwiches were cut both on the angle and into fingers and were prepared with fresh bread. One of the sandwiches surprised and delighted - where Wickman had anticipated egg, coronation chicken was discovered to much jubilation (geddit?).

There were cakey things including coconutty marshmallowy numbers. Here was a tea in which its creator had demonstrated pride and skill. We liked it and lingered long at it like weary travellers at a wayside inn after a long day on the road. As ever there were quibbles - the tea, good, strong was served in thin plastic mugs with a message about recycling on them which failed to hold the brew at temperature and slightly irritated too. The lack of a homemade cake taken with this minor muggy blemish takes us down to an 8.5. Make no mistake though this tea has set the bar high. In Wickman’s memory only Ripley has surpassed it. But the memory of Ripley sours as they were unutterable knobbers which left a bitter taste. Unlike this tea which was close to superb, and this oppo who were personable and played the game in the right way.

And so their reply and the second part of the stress test. Our side was populated with decent bowling – folk who have on merit represented more illustrious xis including Unsworth and Lown, and others including Paddy and Splints who have taken wickets at 2xi and 3xi level. The track was drier than when our top order had batted on it, but like tea was no cakewalk. We also had a top quality ex 1s wicket keeper in Dutchy who pressured bats all afternoon by standing up to all the bowlers and the younger folk – Dommy, Splints, Runsworth, Charles and Paddy in particular would look sharp in the field.

But oh how those short boundaries beckoned. The opening partnership started relatively cautiously. One of them looked like a greyhound in the field and a decent cricketer who could take the game away from us. Fortunately for us he nailed Dom straight to the point boundary fielder as those on the sidelines prematurely celebrated a six. Pouched by Unsworth. Chloe Springer likes this.

Number 3 was R Inger. Turning up in our 39th over and wearing club stash, he pouched a catch as his first contribution. Here he looked assured, contemptuous and started to smash it all over the place. Investigation shows a ton for their 2s and a 70 for their 1s. He raced to 30 before a full pitched ball from Dom defeated his drive and crashed into his Forrest Gumps. So Dom had done his job and done it well removing the 2 really dangerous looking top order bats.

Mohit removed a stubborn looking Miah and Paddy got rid of Mekwan who was beginning to look useful. That said he couldn’t see the ball as he hadn’t brought his glasses (“should have gone to Specsavers” P. Linter I thangyoo) so that was the only useful looking he was doing. But the other cricketer in their xi who looked a class above, Osborn, settled in, stood tall and drove the ball with authority. Just as we got them to five down Osborn, first in partnership with Lee and then skipper Wilsdon began to turn the tie towards Kempton. Just when we needed bowling of real discipline, from one end we kept pitching the ball half way down the track and must have given Osborn five or six straightforward boundaries through an undefended midwicket.

The partnership with Wilsdon was particularly fruitful – the skipper had one shot into the off side to get him to the other end while he watched Osborn bat. Together they put on 44 of which Wickman would wager Osborn scored 40. With 13 needed the game looked up but then Selvsey pulled off a captaincy masterstroke and brought back Paddy to partner the naggingly accurate Unsworth who was keeping us in the game by keeping the runs down at one end.
And now, just as the test was at its most stressful, with any a handful of runs required, the youngest member of our team passed it nervelessly. Unlike his more experienced colleagues Paddy bowled full and straight from his end and gave us a chink of light by bowling Osborn who had gone past 50 by now. He repeated the dose in the same over with the new bat and then took the final two wickets in his next. And all this just as Kempton’s 1s had arrived to hang out with Richard Inger and take the piss. The winning margin was a mere 7 runs and they melted away stealthily not wanting to be tainted by defeat.

Brilliant game of cricket. Had everything bar dodgy decision making. MOM is Paddy. His was the classic all-rounder performance. Bosh runs when needed and then bowl a nerveless spell at the death with only 13 runs to play with and four wickets needed. Three were bowled, full and straight, the other caught behind of another full and straight ball. Great stuff.

And by the way. We’re top of the division today. It may not last but it’s an achievement to be proud of.

Match Report - Sunday xi vs Hampton Hill

"The team wondered why it took Zo so long to get the ball back" - Ed

HWRCC Sunday XI Vs Hampton Hill CC Sunday 1st XI
Hampton Hill 91 Tong G 3 for 4 Swaine 3 for 13
HWRCC 92-1 Zohaak 57 (Retired bored)
HWRCC won by 9 wickets

A Saturday Wick Wash had the wind in the Sunday XI’s sails as they blew onto the field for the first round of the Bushey Park League. Spirits were high and even the gale blowing could not stop Zo’s voice traveling to the Hampton Hill opener and requests for Zo to stop chatting long enough for a ball to be bowled, blew back. Graham Smith took an early wicket as the ball was flicked off the pads and Mo Bal leaped in the air at square leg, palmed the ball up then caught it one handed. It was a great catch and worth the match fee alone to watch at close hand. Hampton Hill’s No.3 came in and played a couple of nice shots and Smith and Vijayakumar plugged away keeping things tight. Graham Tong came on and off again having removed 3 for 4 including a hat trick chance. Rob Swaine then got in the action in his first over with Phil Miles taking a great catch at slip. 44 for 5 and Hampton Hill were getting blown over.

Everyone had a bowl (not Zo) and a big hitting No.10 helped pull Hampton Hill to 91 all out off 39.3 overs. Mo got a couple of good stumpings with some nice work from Matt Rudolph and Swaine picked up another couple. The game may have been over a bit quicker with a few held catches but special mention must go to Hampton Hill’s opener who batted 105 balls for 22 and carried his bat. Zo’s chat had clearly not worked on this batsman.

Tea was nice. [Lazy - Ed]

Zo opened: 57 off 32. Zo retired, leaving James Madoc-Jones and Matt Rudolph to see the boys home. It may have been over quicker but Zo put the ball in the Allotments and he had to go and ask for it back. Zo then lost £10 in a darts match to bring him back to earth. Wick League wash done.

Special thanks go to Riley and Alison for bringing a professional feel to the day. Riley’s T20 standard of wide calling on a Sunday making him Hampton Hill's fourth highest scorer.

Match Report - Ashtead vs Sunday xi - by Selvsey

"Another Bea the Sunday xi might want to get away from" - Ed

You wait for one Sunday Match Report to come along...

HWRCC 133
Ashtead Got them something like 6 down...

Remember back to the second four day bank holiday in one week: no rain, street parties, commoners marrying princes, mass gatherings in London without a kettle to do some kettling in sight and Hampton Wick Royal Cricket Club Sunday XI, away to Ashtead, looked to keep the Royal in the weekend a day longer following the Saturday Wick Wash?

Winning the toss Tong chose to bat and at 32 for 0 from 5 the only issues facing the Sunday XI was if Charlton would think the electric scoreboard was for texting his love interest or if he would pass out from the flatulence in the score box after a royal wedding and a captain’s night at the Wick. But just like Eugene and Beatrice what looks good with a glimpse can be misleading and before Charlton could write “I love you” on the scoreboard the Sunday XI were 67 for 5 from 16.

Out in the middle Rashid was the pick of the early batting looking like Gower till his Husain-like run out (Saddam? ie so slow he was dead? - Ed). Singh looked good until one got through and Miles was sublime, cover drive, then not so with a Strauss (Adelaide day two) leave. Byme hung about for a while and showed promise after a break from the game. Fahad showed promise but didn’t hang about.

Smith and Selves played a quick game of first to pad up goes in next then tested the others early season fitness with some ones and twos before both mistaking the pies to come with the change of bowling as an early sign of tea and holed out wondering when they would next be in the teens with 15 overs left to bat. Meanwhile Charlton’s love messages had worked and he had an audience. A quick 20, with Sadique chipping in a few, left the Sunday XI 133 All Out from 36. Despite Charlton’s girlfriend putting the G in the tail’s WAG the score looked more Duchess of York than Princess Diana and the Sunday XI pondered their chances over some coronation chicken (You're having me on - Ed).

Ashtead started well and at 37 for 0 from 5 the game took on a déjà vu feeling. Fahad had one put down at keeper and then at second slip but a third flew to the right of second slip and Tong caught well. Next ball went straight to second slip again but popped out. With only one option left to assure the wickets his bowling deserved Fahad decided hitting the top of off next ball would do the trick. With one catch, one drop and one bowled in three balls “just do the same again” was easy to say but Fahad did by yorking the next man and taking middle stump. The hat trick next over was not to be but another bowled left Fahad with 4 debut wickets for 38 and Ashtead on 58 for 4. Sadique came on for Fahad and got a good nic for a good catch from Rashid and the Sunday XI looked to be doing more than making a game of it.

As with most tight games there is one person who steps up to make the difference and although Fahad had put the Sunday XI in with a great chance Ashtead’s number 2 was pacing his innings well and sensing the need to up the tempo before running out of partners quickly took himself to 60 and Ashtead to over 100. The Sunday XI did have their chance after tight lines from Tong forced indecision in the Ashtead opener between a front and back foot pull and the ball ballooned between mid off and mid on. Two more royal star crossed lovers appeared as the resulting collision between mid off and mid on left two men on the floor and the Sunday XI’s chance gone. The usual half chances we all imagine could have been more came and went but even with a wicket a piece from Smith and Rashid Ashtead had the time and pushed the ones and twos to get them over the line without taking risks.

A reminder to us all that not all royal love stories end happily and the weekend wick wash was not to be. However, Fahad is clearly a great prospect with the ball for the season and everyone else looked to be getting back into the swing of the new season. 30 more may have been enough, but then Eugene and Beatrice could have picked other dresses and still been upstaged by Pippa Middleton.