2ND XI - MATCH REPORT V'S FARNCOMBE C.C.

Weather dampens spirits and drenches leagues only unbeaten record…

Cricket; From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia - “Cricket is a sport played predominantly in the drier periods of the year. But, even so, the weather is a major factor in all cricket matches. A scheduled game of cricket cannot be played in wet weather. Dampness affects the bounce of the ball on the wicket and is a risk to all players involved in the game.”

There should be a caveat to this statement that reads something along the lines of; “But not in England and not in May”

I suppose the clue is in the equipment that we use. Wood and leather are notoriously un-happy creatures in the wet and so it transpired are Hampton Wick 2nd XI as they lost their unbeaten record to web-footed Farncombe.

It’s a horrible feeling, having done the usual thing and spent all week wishing the days away, desperately looking forward to a game of cricket, only to arrive at the ground and find that the weekends forecast had for once materialized. With the prospect of any play looking as bleak as that mythical area behind the trees and towards Hampton Court that seems grabs everyone’s attention the moment the word rain is mentioned, our thoughts soon turned to an afternoon playing Royal Cricket, Crazy Golf and Beer Pong.

Various attempts to remove our high-tech covers (!) at the slightest sight of any break in the cloud were thwarted by instant downpours and aggressive winds until approximately 1 hour and 24 minutes after the scheduled start time when umpire, Stephen Riley eventually called play. The long delay meant that the game was reduced to 38 over’s per side and suddenly thoughts were turned to working out what would be a competitive target in such atrocious conditions? Captain Fudge won a toss for the 1st time this season and we should have known there and then that this just wasn’t going to be our day.

With a member of the 2nd XI’s top 4 (who will remain nameless) currently courting a Sky Weather girl (who will remain nameless) we had inside knowledge into exactly what the weather would do for the remainder of the day. We had it on good authority that the day was destined to get better with brighter, dryer spells this afternoon leaving us with no option but to bowl first.

Webster and Lown took the new ball and whereas Lown struggled to find his length and gifted one opener full balls to ease through the covers, Webster was bang on the money and prompted the other opener to knick off to Cole at 1st slip. Despite Breakwell replacing Lown and grabbing no.2 well taken, by keeper Gates, Farncombe had got off to a flying start and suddenly with the ball starting to resemble a bar of imperial leather it was going to be crucial that the WICK took wickets at regular intervals to stem the flow and restrict the visitors to a total we could chase.

Fortunately we created these chances, unfortunately and uncharacteristically we were unable to take them. 4 catches were shelled that should have been taken and innings that should have been cut short were allowed extended sentences. Webster, Breakwell and Cole bowled with skill in difficult conditions but in limited over’s cricket you need more than 3 bowlers to shine and certainly fielders to back them up. 186/6 was a very decent score however if ever there was ever a week we could chase such a target in so few over’s this was surely the one with ample batting a small boundary and tough bowling conditions all in our favour.

I needn’t waste any column inches about tea, as you have all had your fair share and I don’t need to teach you lot to suck egg mayo. They are the best in the league (FACT) and thoroughly enjoyed by all opposition that visit Café DBW.

So on with the chase. The happily married Cole opened up with the WICKS most eligible bachelor Goulborn as we were looking for a positive start. Unfortunately like previous weeks our openers struggled to put away the bad ball and an all ready healthy rate was increasing sharply from as early as the 3rd over. Farncombe’s openers were brisk enough and were now benefiting from a dry ball and a lively deck. The ball wasn’t the only thing that swung as conditions were now in their favour and Goulborn would get bowled by a sharp ball nipping back from the impressive Bray.

Bray bowled with pace and bounce and welcomed skipper Fudge, to the crease with a barrage of short pitched stuff, most of which he ducked and weaved out of the way of until he was tempted into a hook and a top edge saw it carry to deep backward square. DOWN!! Fudgey who is happily settled down with his girlfriend of 4 years had received a let off. Could he go on and make Farncombe pay just as their batsman had done to us? No is answer and his failure to convert “another” decent start was compounded by the loss of Cole (C&B 19) and Sky TV contractor, Jackson (batting 4) to a 1st ball duck.

The WICK were reeling on 40/4. Crowther, fresh from his Caribbean exploits made heavy weather of things and failed to trouble the scorer and when Wright had lost another partner in Gates and he was left to bludgeon his way to 20 with just the last recognized batsman, Soppitt for company. The pair threatened to get a partnership going before a rusty Wright held out to mid-on. Cue utter frustration bought about by another change to conditions and a sudden shower that rendered the ball useless.

Suddenly the Farncombe attack that had looked threatening all afternoon was suffering the same fate as our own earlier in the day. Soppitt convinced the WICK tail to wag and first Breakwell and then Lown offered the experienced no. 8 valuable support. Farncombe were suddenly rendered clueless and one bowler (Honeywill) even resorted to baseball style pitching, but to the same null affect. Soppitt took full advantage and swept, pulled and scampered his way to 71*.

One WICK player asked the skipper, if he “had ever seen Soppitt bat this well before?” I replied “I have had the pleasure of watching this type of resilient performance for the last 17 years”. Soppitt is batsman who knows his limitations but also knows how to play a situation and score in his areas. His performance on Saturday should be a lesson to at least 4 of our top 7 batsman who returned an unsatisfactory 2 runs between them. The lesson read simply; Regardless of the amount of talent you have, if you don’t know your own game you are always going to struggle to convert talent into runs. I wouldn’t swap the talent in my batting line-up for any other in the league but quite simply, cricket is a game of stats and some of our players stats just don’t add up.

The WICK mustered a respectable 160/8 form their 38, a score that should have been good enough to win the game had we not shelled as many chances as we did.

Our first defeat of the season was a difficult one to take, but an easy one to explain, however still sitting in the automatic promotion places we go into the next 9 time games in a far healthier position than we were this time last year.

MOM – Soppitt

Soppitt (above) was unable to complete this week’s match report due to a sudden boom in the 2nd hand car market.

Match Report - 2xi vs Stoke D'Abernon - by Clarky

HWRCC 2XI vs Stoke D’Abernon 2xi

Toss: Stoke

HWRCC 242-3 (50 overs) Golforbrazeeeeeeel 79, Fudge 46, Wright 45*, Mackie 40*

Stoke 243-7 (49.3 overs) Patrick 102, Lawes 72, Lown and Cameron 2 for.

Goulborn, Cole, Fudge*, Mackie, Wright, Clark+, Soppitt, Cameron, Donnelly, Powell, Lown

New Wick Proverb Say… Be Careful What You Wish For

Since our embarkation on the road to Surrey Championship cricket three or four seasons ago the 2s have become used to some pretty tedious cricket. With a few notable exceptions in the Fullers we often found ourselves playing sides with little or no ambition who took a perverse pleasure in playing draw at all costs cricket.

One of the exceptions to that rule has been the Stoke D’Abernon game each year. This correspondent has played in the fixture for the last three years and every game has been exciting and has produced a result. Both sides go for it, with the minimum of carping and a healthy dose of good sportsmanship.

It was with some joy that we discovered, after two straight promotion seasons, that we would finally get to play some 50 over win/lose stuff in this division. For once, although important, the toss would not play a huge factor in how the game developed… we always dreaded having to bat first knowing that however early we declared, if oppositions chose to stodge out a draw not even throwing up pies would tempt them to chase our totals.

It was an absolute pleasure to get to tea yesterday having delivered a more than competent performance with the bat and know that – weather allowing – we would have a result one way or the other. Thank goodness for a bit of common sense and a worthy stage for us to take on a club who we’ve had some good games against.

In the event though we reaped what we sowed as the battle of the two newcomers to Surrey Championship Division 5 was won by a deserving Stoke side with three balls to spare. The margin sounds tight – and here on paper it is – but really the Wick’s talented bowling attack failed to put the visitors under enough pressure to win this game. So – result cricket we wanted, and result cricket we got. After weekend one we find ourselves propping up the division knowing we’ve been in a great game of cricket… that doesn’t feel quite so great if you are laundering your dove, magenta and black kit today.

Stoke were dismissed here last year for approximately 160 and the batsmen were ruthless in pursuit of the target. This time around Stoke inserted the Wick to see what we might set them in largely bright conditions.

12 months ago this track was a sporty little number as the previous curator was spending too much time elsewhere. It was a result wicket in the worst sense. Bounce at the Millennium Wood end was embarrassing and many an opposition skipper was heard to grumble. The only thing we could say was it was as bad for both sides. We ourselves were turned over on it so we knew how it felf.

The strip yesterday was tinged with green and there was some underlying moisture which suggested it could be a bit sticky, but once the shine disappeared from the new ball it was easy paced and favoured the bat. Only over-ambition against tight bowling created chances in both innings. It is fair to report a number of balls failed to rise at the MW end giving both 'keepers some tricky clean up work to do but there were no scuttlers which suggests the new roller and even newer groundsman are having a positive effect.

Mills for Stoke bowled to that end and started in parsimonious fashion, swunging the ball away from a good length and excellent middle and leg line. Very few balls left the square and both bats had to work hard to extract any value. Golborn, off the back foot, pierced the field often but seldom found the rope early on. Finally Mills persuaded an increasingly indignant and agitated Cole – who had looked for the most part in bat all day mood – to essay something rustic and Stoke broke through, Cole caught well at slip. Ten overs for 22 runs from the Kingston end was an excellent spell and the wicket of Cole was scant reward.

Fudge and Golborn, the latter growing in fluency as the innings progressed (that late cut was out and timing was evident), decided that a firm base was desirable and eschewed anything risky until drinks were brought out. Harkett, later to play a direct and devastating role with the bat, plugged away towards Kingston and profited from the caution displayed. His excellent line and nagging length proved difficult to get away and time and again when he did err slightly the two right handers found only the close in cover fielder who had a very good afternoon in that position.

As Golborn’s game became more fluent, so Fudge also threw off the shackles. He dismissed the change bowler Stewart onto the Pavillion roof, breaking the first tile of the new season, and later began to take a liking to offspinner Lawes who gamely chose to defend the shorter boundary. Goulborn continued to rote the strike and began to time his powerful on drive too. In sight of a deserved ton he unfortunately perished to an excellent diving catch in the gully as he and Fudge pressed the accelerator. A partnership of 109 had set the game up and at this point with 9 overs to go it was time to explode. Unfortunately, attempting to clear the infield once too often, the skipper then skied one to long off missing out on a deserved half century.

This brought together Wright and Mackie. The left hand / right hand combination was ideal for the match situation, bringing the short boundary into play from both ends. Mackie was fluent and the spin combination of Lawes and Hopton struggled to stem the scoring. How the Stoke D’Abernon skipper must have rued bowling out Mills at this juncture. Mackie crowned the run chase with a devastating over against Hopton timing two sixes into the car park and Wright bludgeoned an effective 45 to somehow overtake him in the scoring. The two came together with 45 balls remaining and contributed 84 runs – a really crushing contribution which we hoped had handed us the momentum which TV commentators are so fond of.

At tea The Wick were pleased with the total, feeling it had been assembled to plan by keeping wickets in hand. It was clear to all that with so much grass on the outfield and the addition of sand that the short boundary would hold the key to the result.

Tea itself was one of Dave’s classics. Clotted cream was in evidence on scones (bullet hard though Dave). Chorizo was back. The egg lubricant was slightly too runny for the purist. Clarky was introduced to the concept of combination buns by Fudge and saw a new genius in the portly one’s work through the hatch. With pork products abundant, your reporter politely enquired of DBW whether there was mustard to be had not believing any would be extant. Not only was there mustard, there was a choice. This was a bitter sweet moment. The mustard was the piece de resistance without doubt and the tea scored 8.5. However the realisation that this reporter has probably missed out on five years worth of mustard left him raging against the dining that he might have enjoyed. DBW’s truculence in this matter has cost him dearly as the sour taste of missed opportunity forced reappraisal of the tea in hand and it was severely marked down to a 7.

Stoke’s reply started in a blaze of shots and some wayward bowling from the Wick. Tosses were full. The line was occasionally leg stump. Quick, short and wide stuff was cut away over the slips. Stoke were away out of the traps like one of our all rounders after the larger set. However in an attempt to maintain this furious pace both openers perished to ambitious shots and number 4 was also in too much of a hurry. Despite some less than tight work The Wick had noses in front, Lownsy had 2 for and Stoke must have been concerned that the best laid plans might have, as the poet says, “gan aglay”.

But we were unable to capitalise because we could not keep our discipline. Too many cafeteria balls were bowled and by half way Lawes, who smashed the ball around and Patrick, playing rather more circumspectly and with a pleasing degree of technical prowess and style, had assembled half the runs they needed on the dot of drinks. If you recall, The Wick had assembled only 60 at this point so Stoke’s bowlers in our innings and their batsmen here, had turned the game in their favour.

Annoyingly this lack of control from us infected nearly everyone – Jimmy C aside who maintained a good line throughout and Lownsy who fought back from an ordinary start - and we were unable to wrest back the initiative. With the pitch favouring the batsmen, we really needed to be able to keep catchers in but skipper Fudge was forced to protect the boundaries and station his men on the thirty metre markers because of the regular poor balls. What regulation chances that were created – through first and second slip – were through sadly vacant positions. Others from Delboy, who started extremely well tormenting Patrick in the 80s with flight and changes of pace, were only just within grasp of fielders sprinting to arrive at orthodox positions long abandoned. Clarky, up until this point extremely tidy behind the timbers, almost held onto one such chance but the ball spilled agonisingly from the tips of his gloves in front of the packed pavilion. On such margins games are won and lost. The breakthrough did eventually come when Lawes aimed one too many aggressive heaves at Jimmy C to fall for 72.

The doubt Delboy created in Patrick did at least slow the youngster’s progress with his century approaching and it seemed we might be able to keep him quiet enough to drive the rate up. But others around him maintained the busy progress and an at first nervous and rusty looking Harkett blossomed to clout an aggressive 32 mostly from poor balls including some unforgivable full tosses that didn’t necessitate him using his feet.

Towards the end the pace became frenetic – one bat skied one to the safety of long leg just out of the grasp of the despairing Clark again who’d run 40 yards to get there, the other jammed down on a Yorker and squirted the ball down to a vacant fine leg for three just when the pressure might have begun to count. Harkett finally smashed a length ball over mid off which carried Stoke home just as we thought we had exposed what looked like a tail.

The winning margin was three wickets and brought mixed feelings. Relief on the one hand that we were playing result cricket after years of stodgy rearguards by unambitious oppos, annoyance on the other that we had let a promising position slip. We simply weren’t sharp enough in the field but huge credit is due to Stoke bats Patrick, Lawes and Harkett for taking it to us in such spectacular fashion.

Stoke were worthy winners and their umpire, who stood both ends, was excellent so thank you. We’re of course looking forward to the return fixture later in the summer – ominously there was talk of Mills and Harkett getting even longer spells!

It will be up to the individuals here to work hard in the excellent new nets and for the team to go up another notch in all departments against Cranleigh next week.

Congratulations to Will Patrick on his debut ton for Stoke D'Abernon.

MOM – Golby.

[Here Golby capture's Mackie middling one into the carpark]

HWRCC vs. KINGSTON – Sunday 11th May - Match Report by Jimmy C

HWRCC – 170/4 from 39 overs. Fudgey 48; Goldie 68 (MOM)

KINGSTON – 86/7 off 30-overs. Junaid 3 for very little; Kennedy and Vaider 2 a piece.

Wick achieves winning draw (read: win) against Kingston

They say that a week can be a long time in politics ("They" just do apparently… look it up). But I think the same can be said about, what I would consider being, the harshest and yet most rewarding of all mistresses… namely playing cricket for HWRCC.

After the initial struggles of putting out a 1st Sunday xi last week, Sunday skipper Jimmy C had the run of the club’s best and brightest for the home tie against Kingston on Sunday May 11th. Everyone wanted to play. In fact, so eager were people to play that apparently DBW considered revising his tea schedule to accommodate the extra players. It was that lively.

Jimmy C was overwhelmed by the volume of text messages / emails that came in during the week from players expressing a desire to be a part of the Wick’s newest regime.

Here’s a selection:

Fudgey: “Put me down for Sunday. I need runnnnsssss”. Ok, I will.

Whinney: “Are there any spaces left for Sunday? PE Man!!” For you mate, of course.

Del Boy: “I’m available” – Thanks, but can you play?

Unknown: “It was great to meet you last night. Fancy a drink next weekend?” – No. Piss off and gain 20 pounds. You know I prefer the larger set... I told you that

And so it went on...

Needless to say, Jimmy was thrilled by the squad of players on offer and could hardly wait for Sunday’s match to begin.

On the back of a strong bowling performance last Sunday, the Wick went into this game with a huge sense of confidence and belief (well I know I did). On a hard track that was already cutting up rough from Saturday’s action, Jimmy C won the toss and promptly decided to bat (much to the annoyance of the oppo). It was a hot day, Del was hungover, and none of the boys wanted to do much running in the afternoon sun – FACT. It was a simple decision really.

Golby and big Bobby Sisso opened the batting. Golby, keen to make up for a golden duck in Saturday’s game for the 2s, looked completely at ease out in the middle. With poise, experience and maturity beyond his years, Golby held off the two opening bowlers who were getting the ball to “do a bit” on the ridge, and managed to tick the scoring over nicely. Sisso was experience personified, bedecked in Wick jumper despite the heat (probably because of it) but found himself back in the hutch after only a few overs.

With Fudgey and Golby now at the crease, Kingston really stood no chance in getting back into this game. As the overs ticked by and the bowlers became increasingly tired, both players began launching into their shots. Fudgey, no doubt buoyed by Saturday’s win, played some magnificent long drives over the in field, while Golby played some of the sweetest cover drives you are ever likely to see. At the drinks break, we were only one wicket down, and on track for a solid score.

Not satisfied by the good start, Fudgey tried to pick the scoring rate up, however his exuberance soon got the better of him – holing out to a sort of short-long mid off for a valuable 48 runs. Golby, now joined by Kennedy at the crease, wasn’t fazed. He continued to pile on the runs and, with the later support of Del Boy and Jimmy C, managed to push the Wick to a declared 170 after 39 overs. He finished with a delightful, if not quite redeeming for Saturday's Fantasy Managers, 68 runs.

Teas – ats

After the break, the Wick set about the challenge of taking all 10 wickets. While the 80th birthday celebrations taking place at the club house proved to be some distraction, Jimmy C urged the boys to “$%£! focus” on the task at hand.

With Shaun Whinney debuuuuuing behind the stumps, Junaid and Jimmy C opened the bowling. Like the Sunday before, Junaid bowled out of his skin, quickly taking three wickets in what Sisso described post match as, wait for it, a “lively” opening spell. Jimmy, despite bowling well in conjunction, got nothing. ATS. With that in mind, young colt Nick Parkes, described as the “new Stuart Clark” of Hampton Wick by some, was brought into the attack. Although unlucky not to pick up a wicket, Parko teased Kingston batsmen with pace, nip, bounce, experience and, not to be outdone, fitness.

With the match heading for a dull draw, Jimmy C threw the ball to Duncan Kennedy in a surprise move. Rewarding his faith, big Duncs picked up two wickets in his first few overs, and left Kingston with an almighty struggle to stay in the game.

However, as time drew on, a draw seemed to be the only outcome of the match. While Jimmy rotated his strike force - Del, Hirchy and Vaider (who picked up two wickets) all had a trundle – the game ended in a winning draw. Kingston didn’t look like they wanted it at all, and looked knackered to be honest.

While it was annoying for the skipper not to pick up another win, the Sunday team is still undefeated for 2008. It was a good way to end a great Wick Wash weekend. After the match, Bobby was in fine form, and let loose with some of the funniest anecdotes about cricket and the Wick I’ve ever heard.

So what will be in store for next weekend? Who knows - but like a midget at a urinal, I’m gonna have to stay on my toes. [Here's a urinal which will help you to relax - Ed]

HWRCC 2xi vs Horley (h) Match Report

Singh, Clark+, Fudge, Gobly, Wright, Jackson, Soppitt, Powell, Donnelly, Webster, Lown

HWRCC 227-5 (Fudge 72)
Horley 93-10

HWRCC wins

2s deliver Wickwash

What a day. Blue skies with big old stratocumulus. Hot, humid almost dank skies. An alliterative haze hung heavy over Hampton Wick. At twelve the eleven arrived, changed and practiced. Horley hovered.

Who cares how the Wick has turned into a hot, hard deck but all of a sudden, second week in May, happy Wick bats should rejoice. Suddenly after a 2007 in which the only thing that was predictable was that it wouldn’t do what you thought, here was a deck with bounce and carry. Both. Together. In the same ball.

Horley won the toss and decided to field. Their skipper was a bit freaked out by the Wick’s practice session perhaps. But this was a stinking afternoon to bowl. Yes it might have rained a bit the day before. It might have been greasy. But Clarky had been playing fetch with Wickmutt and a cricket ball that morning and he would swear later that the dog’s lead had taken all the moisture off the square. The burning heat removed the rest.

Nathan and Clarky opened. Clarky was sent in in lieu of AJ who was travelling back from a family do the night before in a Northern industrial town. Before he had time to get anxious, Nathan had holed out at mid on from a no ball and then wellied an off drive to… cover to collect the first taxworthy (quack) innings of the day. 1-1. Not what the captain had ordered. Clarky was supposed to be smashing it around, not Nathan.

Fudge and Clark consolidated and found little to worry about. This was a surprisingly true surface despite being greener than a first year university student doing a stint on reception during the holidays and being asked to use the PA system to locate Mike Hunt. It was hotter than it would have been were they trying to film To Kill a Mockingbird on the outfield. And the the oppo’s opening bowler pulled a hammy. So the first wicket down partnership just left the good balls and hit the rest.

Clarky almost died because he was forced to run a lot (all run fours might look good in the scorebook but they look shit when 39 year olds participate in them in 27 degree heat). They put a 70 partnership together before Clark turned for a non existent second, slipped and was stranded trying to get back. Questions were asked but it was just a bad accident. Clark was wearing studded boots etc etc etc.

Goldy – selected by 99 per cent of all fantasy selectors – managed to make it look as if he had edged a leggy into the gloves of the keeper. It was his first ball sadly. Quack. AJ and Fudge then pushed the score along to 110 until Fudge conspired with the oppo to get out when on 72. Frankly he should have got 172 because up until he got out the wickets had been taken off a full toss, a run out where someone slipped and then a leg break which turned so much that the umpire gave it out.

AJ and Wrighty then set about piling on the runs. Both made unflustered progress mostly scoring straight or behind square in blocks of four runs. Eventually AJ decided he couldn’t run any more. This, he said, was down a muscle pull in his thigh. Mostly your scribe thinks that’s because he was out the night before giving it large on the dancefloor. Cutting some shapes. Etc. Well anyway he felt a bit tired and started limping. He asked for a runner. At that point the Wick had lost three wickets. Some knob was going to get stitched up.

It wouldn’t be Fudge. What skipper goes out to run in the heat of the midday Sun? Only mad dogs really get involved. Would you really send Nathan out to run? Probably not. So, instead, send out the oldest man in the team (by probably 9 years) who had to spend 10 minutes in the cellar to cool down earlier. Next time just keep your mouth shut and deal in boundaries. Clarky had once given AJ a paid job in a PR company. He was upset when AJ was unable to persuade his colleagues to turn that into a full time position. Even more so on Saturday. Clarky would have enjoyed waiting for a fresh Alex to turn up to work on the Monday morning. Before asking him to… well in PR you don’t have really crud jobs… spend all week… licking the dirty bits out of the photocopier. Or something.

AJ eventually ran Wrighty out a boundary or so short of a well deserved 50 (reactolite rapides are so yesterday but on Wrighty they seem moderrrrrrnnnnn) using Clark as an instrument before proceeding to a sublime Aj-like 50. Sisso’s teeth – Sisso had AJ in his fantasy team – were visible reflected off the moon by the Hubble Telescope. And the innings was closed leaving Horley to score 228 off one more over than the Wick had managed 227. Any grumbles? All thought that the Horley skipper could have announced himself earlier. Otherwise… nope.

Sadly Horley didn’t fancy it in reply. If, they said, we had offered them 180 off 55 then (looking at their nails, fingers scrunched into their palms) they might have had a go. Oh please. Why not bat first then and set 180? Tea, by the way, was a really disappointing 5.5.

5.5? Yes. Not one bit of bread could be called fresh. Forget everything else. The – bread – was – not – fresh. No wonder Horley didn’t come out firing. How could they on stale bread? Perhaps Dave knew which way the 2s toss would fall? It totally undid the good work Dave had pulled off by creating chicken tikka open sandwiches. Happy Daves? No.

Horley didn’t really have a go. Who would have after that tea? They lost two wickets pretty quickly and then didn’t rebuild. They eventually made 93 in reply. Webbo, Lownsy, Powelly and Timmy F bowled such tight lines that there was nothing going. So Horley shut up shop. Reeeeeeally early. Webbo was the Q of quick if not quite the a of accuracy. Del came on and selflessly threw up some relatively expensive overs to get Horley to hole out. They did. He took three for. At least the hammy victim Horley opener smashed some. He will be pleased with his batting. At the other end Powelly bowled a mature full and straight spell that cleaned up 4 bats. It was quick, accurate and unplayable. Powell is back. FACT.

The fielding was amazing. Golby juggled a phenomenal catch at gully to bring one down which suggests with practice he could be one of the all time Wick gully greats. Clarky coped well with some interesting crop spraying. Fudgey and Webbo in particular fielded like demons. While Horley conceded 40 runs to misfields and poor throws the Wick challenged every bat to risk something. No one did.

The Wick won with many overs to spare. That Horley felt we had gone too far in scoring 220+ off half the overs suggests they may not be the most ambitious oppo we will face this year. No matter. This was a good game, fought at close quarters. Both sides acquitted themselves well.

Powelly MOM.

Perfect.

Sunday xi vs Ashtead (home) Match Report by Jimmy C

HWRCC – Jimmy C (Skip), Matty D, Mark, Harry, Junaid, Vaider, Duncan, Maloj, Del Boy, Sam Kemp, Lloydy

125-9 (Matty D 48, Del Boy 25)

ASHTEAD

67 all out (Junaid 5 /15 – lively!)

HWRCC won by 58 runs

If there was any doubt that pressure applied to someone in the right fashion can cause them to do something you want them to do (think water boarding, dripping a tap in a darkened room, blindfolded) you need look no further than this match report. It is a sad state of affairs when someone needs to be cajoled into writing about what they love and dream about every night (aside from the ‘larger set’), but that is precisely what has happened to yours truly.

Following threats from the 1st Team Captain and Wickman to get his proverbial arse into gear, which included removal from employment and…….actually, that pretty much did it, I caved in and penned the following match report of HWRCC Sunday XI vs Ashtead.

Like Josef Fritzl on holiday in Thailand while the kids are left at home, I simply can’t take leave of my responsibilities. So I’m sorry. There – I said it. I’ve learnt my lesson. And I can assure you that, unlike Fritzl, I will not leave you in the dark any longer over the success of the Sunday team.

And what success we had on Sunday May 4th 2008.

Following an almighty struggle to get 11 players to commit to a game (Geez boys, it’s not like cricket is a girl demanding a full term relationship…..Actually, it kind of is now that I think about it), Debut Wick Skipper Jimmy C led out the first Sunday team of the season against an Ashtead side which Lownsy described, in a more sober moment, as “good” (he’s a man of many words…..).

After promptly losing the toss (ominous start), the Wick were sent in to bat on a sticky wicket. With relatively little experience of captaining (read none), Jimmy C displayed a great deal of uncertainty as he put together his batting order. While Matty D was a certainty to open, it was very much a case of picking and hoping that the remaining players who said they could “bat a bit”, weren’t just pulling a fast one.

Aside from handy performances from Matty D (48), Del Boy (25), it turned out that the rest were pulling a fast one and couldn’t “bat a bit” (I include myself on that score). Although Ashtead bowled on the spot, with the right application and “experience” (I had it throw it in) we should have scored more than just the 125 runs we scraped together. Save the final efforts of Del and Junaid, we would have been looking at a much lower total.

Players go to the break. Tea – ats.

Pep talk time.

Quick to establish who was the boss out in the field, Jimmy C rallied the troops. “Talk it up” was his refrain (amongst other inaudible nonsense) as the boys got together in the huddle. He said that with the right pressure on the batsman and the right “talk”, we might just be able to nick a result.

That turned out to be a massive underestimate.

Taking the game by the thruff of the scroat, Jimmy C put himself and young Junaid in to open the bowling. While Jimmy managed to keep it consistent and the on the spot, young Iqbal let loose. Taking 5 for 15 in a blistering opening spell, Junaid took out the top order with ease. Line, length, nip, height, swing - his spell had everything which makes him worthy of the Wick.

Despite the terrific start and with the game very much in our corner, we appeared to be running out of bowling stocks. However, sensing his carpe diem moment, Skipper Jimmy C sent his trump “surprise card” into bowl.

Some say he is the chap who waited on us at last year’s end of season dinner. Del knows him as Maloj. But to everyone (read Jimmy C) out on the field last Sunday, he is now the new Anil Kumble of the Wick. With pace, spin, aggression, length and…wait for it… experience, Maloj bamboozled the batsman – much like Anil does. Welcome to the Wick my son. And while he didn’t pick up any wickets, it didn’t matter. He had made a statement. The batsmen were shocked and it was game over.

Vaider and Del then came into the attack and picked up the remaining wickets, leaving Ashtead with a miserly 67 runs at the close. It was a great day’s cricket and debut skipper Jimmy C was over the moon with the result.

First win of the season.

I can’t wait for next Sunday.

Ditton 2s rearguard staves off heavy defeat

HWRCC 2nd xi vs Long Ditton CC 2nd xi (h)

Sayce, Fudge*, GingangGoldyGoldyGoldyGoldywhat’supginggangGold?, Hibberd, Clark+, High, Soppitt, Cameron, Greenwood, Hill, Lown

Long Ditton won the toss and decided to field

HWRCC 229-8 47.5 overs. Fudge 100, Hibberd 30
Long Ditton 132-9 48 overs Greenwood 5-25

They say fortune favours the brave. HWRCC were all bluster with the bat on Saturday but couldn’t quite boss the game with ball in hand. In the event a declaration that arrived at the right time technically was a wasteful indulgence on a day when the “margin of draw” was 97 runs.

Credit is due to Long Ditton who are the first team to get a draw against the 2s without the assistance of the rain. Heck this is the first 95 over game the 2s have played this year. That Long Ditton didn’t even get close to the winning draw, and only picked up four points in total, shows the relative inequity in the performances and suggests that the rules are wrong somewhere. There’s no value at all to Long Ditton’s valiant rearguard action. The rules don’t reward them for hanging on.

The Wick’s reward was only 2 points for dominating the match and 8 bonus points for doing everything except take that final wicket, absurdly imbued with 10 points all of its own. Ten points to winkle out a batsman with enough technique to realise that all he has to do is to not do anything aggressive and his team won’t have been beaten…

All the risk is piled on to the skipper who wants to win. For the skipper who can’t win because he does not have the resources, there’s no thought of batting first because if his side isn’t up to it, he doesn’t have to attack at any point in the game. He just sits back and preys on the need of the oppo skipper to win the game. Plus its more embarrassing to get dicked out for 132 looking for runs than it is to grind out 132 batting second blocking it out and squeezing boundaries off edges.

With respect to Long Ditton’s young team and skipper Knight who did so much to give us a good game, 230 runs were far too many. This is a strange time of year though. Teams that have done very little during the season to date are suddenly racking up 250+ and reducing teams to less than 100. Not very dignified to top the table and get taken apart. Elsewhere teams that have flirted with the top of the league are suffering mid-season wobbles which would make a Weightwatcher blanch. Guildford City declared after 40 overs yesterday desperate to keep their hopes of promotion alive and had 250+ overhauled… However a bit more bravado might have given us another five overs to do the job. In the warm light of Saturday afternoon 229 didn’t look toooo indulgent…

Our innings was a thing of great beauty. Skipper Fudge decided he would pinch hit. But once out there discovered young Colt Cheema in good form and with a slingy action. At the other end, Morton, a seasoned campaigner, bowled 15 overs of miserly medium away swingers in the almost Mississippi-like swamp heat. Neither Fudge nor Sayce found runs flowing. Both had to knuckle down. And once Fudge had banished a tendency to plant his pad on off stump and whip the ball around it to long leg, he looked the real deal. Sayce, as ever, played with technical aplomb and guided and urged the ball around the park while Fudge played as authentically but with muscle and slightly tighter technique than usual. Gone were the trademark flourishes and the extra waggles of a Garcia with the yips to be replaced with bludgeoning efficiency. This was good stuff.

There’s that bit in the Dambusters movie where, when the dams are broken, the director has spliced in dodgy footage of water spurting through a breach in the Eder. If you’ve seen the film you’ll remember it. The special effects genius of the time (early 1950s) has almost drawn the water on to the film. Still, it’s an impressive gush. Something like Old Faithful blowing in Yellowstone. Something like this happened to the usually even tempered Sayce with the opening stand in the late 70s. Suddenly the Sayce head received a rush of blood so stupendous that there was nothing he could do apart from slog a left armer up into the air and into the hands of one of Ditton’s youngsters.

The obdurate Sayce was replaced by the equally obdurate Goulborn. As Goldy held up the end that Saycey had been holding up, Fudge continued to make merry, dragging the Wick through the 100 barrier and into the batting points. Gold almost partnered Fudge to his personal milestone but perished to bring Hibberd to the wicket who was in a mood much like Toad of Toad Hall on receiving a new motor car.

This coincided with a odd bit of captaincy from Knight. With Fudge clearly flagging a few short of the milestone, the Wick in search of quick runs with Hibberd looking like forty agitated ferrets tied up in a pillow case, he brought on a youngster who served up 31 runs in two overs, most of which went to Hibberd and helped Fudge to reach a well-deserved 100 – the first for the club on Saturday this year.

It was strange because Knight later brought himself on and bowled three overs of extremely serviceable off breaks which claimed High and Soppitt. Those of us inclined to cynicism wondered whether he had held himself back while the really big bullets were being fired. Those of us inclined to seek the best in human nature imagined fondly that he was trying to give all his young bowlers a game.

Bennett – who caused all the bats problems – removed Fudge who had decided to begin pinch hitting only 90 minutes late. He then dispatched an out of sorts Clark who was so off his game that he forget to wear a thigh pad and perished in time honoured Wick fashion with his brains up his arse trying to pull a short ball that, surprise, surprise you’ve only seen it a thousand times, didn’t get up from the Kingsfield end. It was a horrible shot and fully deserved its £5 price tag and accompanying death rattle. Out from the moment it hit the track and inevitably sped under a horizontal bat like a tracer bullet. There was no point in any bat throwing or tantrums. Just a need for quiet reflection.

High then seized his opportunity to partner Hibberd in the search for quick runs and peppered the area between Long on and Cow with boundary seeking guided missiles. A rapid 28 was good value in the circumstances. The rest of the middle order followed Clark’s lead, Soppitt, Cameron, Greenwood and Hill not reaching double figures with some achieving only slightly more than others. 229 had been assembled from 47.5. A good performance in most weeks, but far too many for a Ditton side shorn of a couple of its strong bats (looking at Play Cricket).

Tea. No. Not good. Sorry. Not even quantity this week. I know I was not in the best of moods, but REALLY! 6.

48 overs should have been enough to truss up Long Ditton, bundle them into a van, drive them back over their side of the Thames, drop them in a field, phone the skipper’s mum, demand a tidy ransom, pick it up using an elaborate system of false bag drops and reveal where they were before they starved. But in the event we did not make the batsmen play enough when we bowled.

It seemed that none of the usual pressure was applied and that the performance was, well, just a bit flat. Yes Doc bowled with the guile and cunning of an ancient crocodile appointed Chair of Guile at the University of the River Nile (and was well rewarded in his first spell). Yes Hill made the ball talk, first in a high falsetto and then in a rich baritone, sometimes singing like Hibby, at other times swearing like a navvy with his thumb hit by a hammer. But too much hared harmlessly down the leg side or sailed wide of the off stump. We admired the shape. We were impressed by the areas (even when they weren’t) and we congratulated those two and Lownsy on the “wheels”.

At times it was too good. But in a game when we didn’t take a slip catch and the only edge behind was off a wild yahoo reminiscent of Saycey’s earlier moment, more needed to threaten the stumps. A lesson must be learned here. You need to make batsmen play. Doc deserved his five for and largely did just that. Hilly did get curl and a couple of wickets. But he also tested Clark to destruction who felt a kinship with Matt Prior that went beyond a tendency to shout a lot and slog runs. At least there wasn’t a Tendulkar to drop.

Lownsy also found the right line and, agony of agonies, took the final wicket only to be told he had overstepped. In between Hibby’s fire ball was discovered to be more Nov 5 sparkler than wrecker of street fighting video game characters and Fudgey’s occasional offspin would have been meat and drink to Barry Bonds the home run record hero of last week being as it was mostly full tosses. One of them did for Knight who threatened to make a big score against us as he slapped it in the general direction of Lownsy. Lownsy pulled off a simply stunning one handed catch to a ball that looked to be past him, dropping rapidly and generally not in an arc that Dom should have been able to intercept. But he did and it brought a win sharply into focus for us. How could we fail when such a stunner had been taken?

Fail we did. The last pair survived 36 balls and deserved their moment of quiet satisfaction at denying us a win. It felt like a sloppy performance. It felt like we weren’t penetrative. And maybe some quality in the pitch was missing to make Del so eminently playable on a day when there seemed to be enough turn and bounce for us to expect another 3 for 3 or similar. We drew by 97 runs which, if this were a straight overs format, would be a massacre any bit as humiliating as Custer’s last stand. But it isn’t and Knight, Bennett and Cheema amongst others can look back with some satisfaction on a job well done.

And, as Forrest Gump says, “that’s all I’m gonna say about that”. Scorecard League Table

HWRCC 2xi vs Westfield 2xi - Match Report

HWRCC 2xi vs Westfield Saints (a)

HWRCC won the toss and inserted Westfield

Westfield 64 (Hill four for) HWRCC 65-1 (Gangoldy 37*, Wright 20ish*) HWRCC win by 9 wickets

Fudge*, Wright, Gangoldy, Doddy, Cameron, Clark+, Lofting, Marfleet, Soppitt, Noor, Hill

Wick w ash away Westfield

As soon as the skipper called correctly and Westfield had descended to 3-2, their skipper and best bat back in the hutch, it was clear that we wouldn’t get much cricket out of this game. On the back of a call off last weekend and hardly a game on tour, a few of the boys have forgotten what the game’s about. This one was wrapped up by 4pm – so early that the rather grumpy young lady who assembled the teas wasn’t actually at the ground to lay it out.

Westfield’s ground was sodden and the wicket was, although typical of this summer and something we are all getting used to, not ideal for cricket. John Hill, bowling up the slope and swinging the ball mainly away from the righthander, was simply too good in the conditions. Only some unfortunate fielding in the cordon prevented him from taking a well deserved Michelle after he had rattled the stumps a couple of times and we had seen Del take a simply stunning one handed catch running from mid off to take one behind the bowler.

Lofting, whose own bowling profits from harder, bouncier, tracks, was back to somewhere near his best despite this sludgy mess, tormenting Westfield’s left handed No 4 to distraction. That he assembled six runs was only down to the evil nature of the cordon who let a few between them to prolong his torture. Eventually it was too much for us to bear and Marfleet dived across Fudge to take a brilliant juggling one handed catch in the slips to put him out of his misery. Lofting also took the important wicket of skipper Bailey LBW to give Westfield little chance of posting a competitive score.

Westfield, it seems, have decided to go after funding for women’s cricket, now sporting two young ladies in the xi. This represents a 100 per cent increase on last year which shows something is going in the right direction for them. Both acquitted themselves reasonably well and played straighter that some of their male colleagues. However Billy, having experienced a week on tour with no cricket, was obviously an angry man and, bowling first change, bounced one of them out, the unfortunate recipient nicking it behind for Clark to take a simple catch.

This was not before Doddy had unfortunately obscured a run out from a brilliant stop and gather at point from Jack. Prone, Jack fired the ball in, Clark collected, the bails were removed with a theatrical flourish and the ‘keeper was cavorting and dancing like a Raptor in a nightclub before being informed that the even the Sun had been blotted out by Doddy’s harris. Doddy’s point that the umpire should have moved to get a better view of the action was well made, but the umpire would have needed to move to the 45 to see anything…

Once the partnership of the Westfield ladies was broken there was little left in terms of batting resources. The introduction of Soppitt and Marfleet quickly wrapped up the innings, between them they took 3 for 2 in three overs. Soppitt, in this extraordinary season has recorded another unbelievable analysis of 2-2. He can hardly fail to top the season’s averages on this form. Marfleet’s one over produced a tame prod back to him from a bat who had tried to hoist the majority of the first four balls into the neighbouring county. Some indecision there…

Sadly there’s not much more to record. Hill even managed to pick up a catch off Soppitt and with so few runs to chase, MOM was his. Fudgey and Wrighty opened the batting and for the unfortunate Fudge a duck ensued, bowled by the best ball of Habib’s spell. He was replaced by Gangoldy who was in better fettle than at Hambledon. Once he’d had a look he quickly assembled 37 not out to win the game in the 16th over.

Tea was the league’s best of the season so far. While not up to the almost impossibly high standards set at Hambledon earlier in the week, this was a belter. The usual sandwiches included excellent cheese and pickle, and the chef had used a variety of breads including a French country loaf for pate. A couple of years ago standards here were even higher. Wickman remembers some amazing cream and custard tarty things and sponge cake. Mild disappointment then, but still an excellent effort and the first league 8. If only standards had been so high on the field. The skipper awarded himself TFC for failing to get a hand on a number of slip catches and for playing over a Yorker. This saved the bacon of most of the batsmen who didn’t get a knock owing to the amoeba of an innings form Westfield.

Another 20 points, the most emphatic performance of the season and still top of the league by a comfortable margin going into the weekend off. Gangoldy looks much happier here...

Vive le Wick.

Tour Diary - Will we play some cricket?

Day two of tour starts slowly for some. Wickman for one feels like someone has used a trepanning kit to open a big hole in his skull and filled his head with quick set concrete. Others too look like death warmed up. Barry says that sharing with Lively is a nightmare as he might as well be sharing with a vampire. Importantly a look outside at the weather convinces us that there’s a chance of playing that day’s fixture. A convoy is despatched to Hambledon. Despite the original club moving home from its base (where the drafting of the rules of cricket occurred) in the 1960s the fixture still feels important. The convoy starts up. All can hardly believe their luck as Lash leads the convoy through a toll booth, guaranteeing a severe fine later. Hambledon’s club is set in fantastic countryside. On top of a hill, it commands staggering views in most directions. The club house could not immediately yield a roll of loo paper but there are worse crimes. Amazingly the wicket is playable and we are off...

Battersea Ironsides vs HWRCC 1st XI

Battersea Ironsides 1XI v HWRCC 1XI

Battersea 216-7 dec HWRCC 155-8

Battersea winning draw – Micky Mouse

Following in the footsteps of Messrs Vaughan and Collingwood, I shall refer to myself in the 3rd person. At this rate I won’t be in the 1XI job for much longer, so I may as well do so whilst I still can.

Today he got into work at 0805, having completed the Metro Sudoku in record time (before Clapham Junction) and dealt with admin at work. By admin I of course mean Wick – 3 cheques, Forum, and soon enough the inevitable Fudgy emails. He also gets one from Garf informing him that he is too busy, too stressed, and too angry to write a match report. MattyD respects his wishes and agrees to write up the weekends shenanigans himself - Hence this prose. Enjoy.

MattyD is unsure how to approach this. Does he present the facts? Does he be overly positive? Does he be overly negative? Does he resort to comedy to get him out of awkward situations? ….YEAH FACT! For starters 4 of the top 6 cannot play next week - if that’s not funny, what is?

MattyD is listening to Heart FM, and a tune comes on which summarises what he should write. It sets his mood, it makes him smile, it makes him laugh. He taps his toes pretending he has rhythm. He clicks his fingers and imagines himself down the Wick on the dancefloor on a Saturday night, 2330, Fudgy on the decks, Goldy propping up the bar, Delboy and Garf having a dance-off, TommyD with some sort in the corner, Cranesy and LLoydy trying to out drink each other, Joey plotting his next stitch-up, Leggsy speaking in hand gestures and facial expressions, AJ in his flip flops mincing about, Mackie doing the face, Charlie just being plain immature, Muzzy looking glazed, but still managing to eat Emma’s face. This is perfect:-

(I just know your life's gonna change) (Gonna get a little better) (Moving on the darkest day) (I just know your life's gonna change) (Gonna get a little further) (Right up until the feeling fades)

So, is this how it goes, Think you've come this far, And then it'll show, But that aint so, oh no, You don't see where you are, And if you don't wanna look back You'll never know, Cuz you think that you've been here Just treading water Waiting in the wings for the show to begin But I always see you searching And you try that bit harder Getting closer, oh yeah To the life you're imagining

[Chorus:] (I just know your life's gonna change) Maybe not today, maybe not today, But some day soon you'll be alright, (I just know your life's gonna change) Turn the other way, turn the other way, Feels like luck is on your side, (Just wanna live) No worries, no worries, (Don't wanna die) No worries, no worries, Sing for me, sing for me, We all need somebody, (Yeah you can sink) No worries, no worries, (Or you can swim) No worries, no worries, Sing for me, sing for me, We all need somebody

So, baby keep drifiting on Getting there aint just selfless wasted time Seek and find, yeah You're not that far from What you hoped and wished for All along, Cuz you think that you've been there, Just treading water Waiting in the wings for the show to begin But I always see you searching And you try that bit harder Getting closer, oh yeah To the life you're imagining

[Chorus (repeat)] (I just know your life's gonna change) Maybe not today, maybe not today, But some day soon you'll be alright, (I just know your life's gonna change) Turn the other way, turn the other way, Feels like luck is on your side, (Just wanna live) No worries, no worries, (Don't wanna die) No worries, no worries, Sing for me, sing for me, We all need somebody, (Yeah you can sink) No worries, no worries, (Or you can swim) No worries, no worries, Sing for me, sing for me, We all need somebody

I just know your life's gonna change Sing for me, sing for me, We all need somebody...

Lets not piss about here. We were crap on Saturday. Sure, the outfield wouldn’t look out of place in Kosovo, but that doesn’t explain how a team of capable cricketers can give away so many overthrows (I’d count 10) and let through so many balls through their legs (I’d count 20). The bowlers kept to their task manfully on a placid track, but were let down by too many uncommitted and simply lazy fielding attempts. I’m not exempt from this by the way. Joey bowled 17 overs with few bad balls, Shaun was a threat (I underbowled him in hindsight), Zamm looks to be finding some more bite, but he’s not quite there yet. Incidentally he played a trial game for Middlesex on Friday and bowled 8-13-1. Kam lost it after not getting an lbw – not good enough Kam. Get over it. Move on.

216 was 30 too many. However, if some luck had gone our way, we’d have taken a few earlier wickets and given the state of the Battersea #6 downwards, we could have rolled them for 120. Maybe we’re not getting the luck we enjoyed last year. So be it. Get over it.

In response we started confidently and it looked easy, before MattyD played his first loose stroke since the first over, falling and leaving the Wick 50-1 off about 16. Whilst Adam was at the crease it was so easy. Watching him time the pants off the ball (some sublime cover drives, and flicks for 4 off the legs over midwicket were simply ridiculous) was like poetry, until he succumbed to a mix of the pitch and the trigger happy umpire.

As Alison pointed out, everyone who batted scored a boundary, and yet MattyD was the second highest scorer with a paltry 16. Against the seamers it was piss easy, and as soon as the dibbly-dobblers came on everyone started getting bowled/trapped in front/caught in the deep. Hmmm….

I don’t want to over-analyse, it wouldn’t help. We all know as individuals we need to raise our game. I’ve said this somewhere before…

The opposition is of a better standard, sure, but the only team who have been on our level that we’ve played against thus far have been Valley End (no bowlers) and Guildford City (rely on a few players).

Lets see if we can turn it around this week. Its not easy.

Who’s going to be the talisman? Who wants it?

Collapso cricket sinks Guildford on cabbage patch

Guildford City vs HWRCC 2nd xi

Guildford won the toss and took to the field.

HWRCC 192-8 Sayce 50, Forbes 39, Soppitt 34

Guildford City 151 Soppitt 3-7, Ewen 3-36

Sayce, Lofting, Forbes, Fudge*, High, Clark+, Soppitt, Ewen, Greenwood, Hill, Lown

After every away game in the Fuller’s League this year the visitors are required to fill in a form. The form is an official record of the facilities visited. What happens with the data collected is not year clear. Perhaps, shortly, the Wick will receive a letter. It will tell us what we already know. That the outfield is a bit bumpy. That it keeps low at the Millennium Wood end. That deer dump on the grass. That we have excellent parking.

The forms marking Guildford City’s 2nd xi ground will be equally emphatic. Unfortunately the Old Guildfordians ground at which the 1s usually play was being used for a running event. All over Guildford slightly overweight females dressed in inappropriate lycra were dragging jiggly bits towards the ground, more in hope than expectation one surmised. Anyway, with the whole area under a sea of picnicking supporters and muffin tops, no cricket would be played there.

Which left your correspondent and his team mates to drive around Guildford, briefly stopping off to ask directions from a bemused Worplesdon and Burpham groundsman before arriving at something which resembled down town Bagdhad. Curated by Guildford Council this ground is a Barry Crocker bearing about as much resemblance to our own fecund pastures as, as Hamlet remarks of his dead father and his uncle, a Hyperion to a satyr. It was not the lush green meadow of the picture here...

Hyperion, Gentlemen, lest you forget, was one of the Titans. He was father to Helios, the Sun God. Shakespeare is suggesting that he was an all round good guy and someone to be looked up to. A satyr, on the other hand, is a grotesque creature, half-man and half-goat, symbolic of sexual promiscuity. A dirty sort of smelly thing, always rutting and probably, after rain, smelling rather grim. Shakespeare is not fond of satyrs. He is suggesting that a satyr is contemptible. The comparison, then, that he draws, is designed to tell us that the one is excellent, the other beneath contempt.

Which sounds harsh. But, like the Latvian Police, also fair. After a while the surroundings grow on you. But this is like the dangerous “office effect”. The office effect is a long observed phenomenon. It is where a perfectly ordinary member of the opposite sex joins a company and is immediately marked as a five of out of ten. Were the member a female she would be attractive, but largely unremarkable. Over time the individual’s personality, charisma and good eggness shine through and they unaccountably creep up to an unmerited eight out of ten. There is then a need for recalibration to bring people back to their senses because if a truly outstanding candidate were to join the company, with the scale so obviously out of whack there would be dangerous talk of tens or even, God forbid, elevens. And as everyone knows, there is no such thing as a ten out of ten.

Dear reader, I hope, despite these wanderings, that you are getting the picture. That, like a well directed telegram, the message has arrived. It was a stinker. The pitch was a patchwork of bare earth and closely mown tufts of grass. It was bereft of sightscreens. At one end we were lucky to have a half white mock something or other house behind the arm. At the other there was a children’s playground, and, gloriously, a dark red van belonging to Her Maj’s postal service. You couldn’t make it up. The pav was functional shall we say. There was no parking. All day dangerous looking locals walked dangerous looking dogs round the outfield. After Lingfield’s showers which, on weekends during the winter, might spit out icicles, Guildford’s were hot enough to cook lobsters humanely.

The pitch would play a decisive role in the game. Like an allrounder who boshes a quick fifty, pouches a couple of catches and takes four for, it was always involved. Whether producing a scuttler to bowl their unlucky opener for 49 before he took the game from us or in producing prodigious turn for their skipper’s offies or in putting doubt in the minds of nervous chasing batters it got involved in a big way. Every time you thought it had finished contributing it would stick its hand up or go through its bowling warm up motions in an exaggerated fashion to let you know it was there. Only seven batsmen made double figures.

Hmm. That’s almost 800 words without actually mentioning the game. Perhaps I had better get on with it. Fudgey lost the toss and, like Cilla Black belting out a catchphrase (Surprise, Surprise!) with the audience assisting, we were inserted. We were asked to watch Paul Sayce, on debut, and MS, bat. While MS looked untroubled he perished by edging one onto his stumps without playing as he has been known to. Forbes joined Sayce in the middle and a strange sense of calm descended on your humble scribe. As these two bats caressed and creamed the ball around the park it was very pleasant to be wearing the Dove, the Magenta and the Black. Class. Real class. Nothing belted, nothing smacked, nothing muscled all a joy to watch. Oh the off drives. Oh the glances. Oh oh oh oh oh. They put on almost 100 for the second wicket. Really, really good. Sayce perished eventually for 50, Forbes for 39. Both deserved more.

When Forbes played on too, echoing Lofting’s dismissal, Fudge, then High, then Clark displayed more lower order talent than middle order, collapsing, as they did, like the Hindenburg or R101 but without the loss of life. They went down in flames. Between them they managed to contribute 23 runs to the cause. It was left to Soppitt, once again, to mix aggressive shot making and aggressive running, to build us a defensible total. His 34 runs were invaluable. Doc swung baseball style at a couple to entertain us late on (loud Mooooooos were heard from the sidelines) and we took tea having declared on a useful (if slightly worrying) 191 from 50 overs.

And so to tea. Lloyd Grossman, that excitable foodie, would have struggled to find something to extend his vowels and consonants about. Welllllllllllllllll. Whooooooooooo’s in the kidchin todaaaayyy? There were no truly exciting ingredients. Lloyd gets excited by unusual ingredients. Ohhh. Kohlraaaaaaaabi. Mmmmmmm yesssss gooooooooooseberry. Fresh mushrooooooooooooms. Nope, there was nothing like this. Oh for a DBW tea. And it’s not often you see me write THAT! 6. No more, no less. 6. A D at A level. A pass, but not something you are going to rush home and tell your Mum and Dad about.

Guidlford were to be allowed 45 overs to overhaul us. And the way they set about the target it looked as if they intended to do it in 35 and get off home to watch some light entertainment on the box. My oh my did they play and miss to begin with. Goodness gracious did they try to leather the ball through mid off and miss. Crikey O’Reilly did they hit the ball hard when they connected. They put on lots for the first wicket. 70-ish. When four balls were bowled they despatched them. They could have charged postage and we wouldn’t have blinked. It was good batting. Clark grassed the only chance standing up to Krusty – a thickish edge that didn’t stick and looped to the floor. For a while it looked expensive.

While John Hill and Krusty bowled well, they will not come up against batting of this calibre every week. They will get away with more than they did another day. Ditto MS – who took the first wicket – the first of four great catches pouched by The Wick. Driving uppishly the very good Mohammed hit one towards Soppitt who managed to dive forwards and scoop one up inches from the turf at mid off before hanging on to it and doing a number of forward rolls. Genius and just the breakthrough we needed. Iqbal then smashed MS out of the attack – two huge consecutive sixes disappearing in the arc between long on and the stumps. He looked set to score big and take the game away from us.

With GCCC’s excitable wicket keeper at the other end things looked grim. GCCC passed 100 with only one wicket down. But the team hung in and an outrageous scuttler turned the tide to the Wick. Ewen, who had begun to get inside the head of both bats pitched one on a good length which pea-rolled. If it hadn’t crept through to bowl the bat, it would have been difficult to refuse as an LBW (note: none were given on Saturday despite some double and treble appealing by their keeper). The pitch helped us out – they must have been cursing the Council for putting them up on this rubbish.

All of a sudden things didn’t look quite so clever for GCCC. There was a sniff of fear about them. Early on, when the ball was disappearing to the boundary, there was some VERY cocky spectating going on. You would have thought they were 200-2 rather than 100-1. But now? Silence. Eerie. A very nervy looking No 4 came to the wicket. Scratched around and hoisted one of Ewen’s dobbers over Del’s shoulder. He pouched a second, excellent, catch. Quack. Mahmood, who had, as they say, given it the Barry McGuigan when we batted proceeded to let his team down by missing a straight one from Doc. Quack. Doc bowled excellently all day to return figures of 9-4-24-1. Control. Aggression. Subtle away swing. Really good.

The ‘keeper seemed to be Guildford’s last hope as panic set in. We mentioned this to him. Dick mentioned to him that his crossbatted style was unsuitable for the conditions. He ignored us (although clearly riled) and crossbatted a number of fours and a six. He seemed very pleased with himself. Right up until he slap / pulled the excellent Soppitt at shoulder height two yards to John Hill’s left. Hilly threw himself at the ball and held on to a quite stunning effort to remove him. And with his dismissal went all GCCC’s swagger and self belief. Rehman smacked one back at Dick who clung on to a one handed c&b. The skipper missed one from Del. Hussain was caught by Dom at full stretch over his head (goodness there was some fine catching) from another fine Del- ivery (see what I did there?). Aktar – not looking particularly proficient with the bat – called through his sluggish batting partner for a sharp single to Sayce. Saycey was having none of it and ran him out by so far that he wasn’t in the frame. Quack. A young player who hadn’t taken much part in the game then received the ball of the day from Lown who moved one away off the pitch to knock over the off stump. Quack. We had taken 9 wickets for approximately 40.

What a win! What a great game of cricket! To be so far behind the game and come back so emphatically. To stick at it and hang in there in the field when your cricketing brain said GCCC had it in the bag. Another win batting first. There cannot be enough superlatives to describe Del’s performance. 34 valuable runs to boost a meagre total. 4-1-7-3 with the ball. Two catches that turned the game around. He deservedly walks away with MOM. No TFC for this game as everyone turned up, everyone contributed something, everyone was part of a truly excellent team performance. Well done boys – it was an important one with others near the top of the table all winning. Let’s keep this level of performance going through June…

Something for the weekend...

With the 1s and 2s both playing Guildford City in the league this weekend it's a useful indicator of where HWRCC's two league teams have got to this year. Last year the 1s and 2s both clung on to record losing draws. While the 1s secured the Championship and confirmed an unbeaten season, the corresponding 2s fixture was played out in biting winds by a Guildford team which bore little resemblance to those that played the other 15 or so games that season. As we can see from this graphic, Guildford are strong enough to provide training at all levels, so The Wick should get a good game.

This weekend sees a strong 1s and experienced 2s pit themselves against City. The 1s line up with new finds MacArthur and Kamran in the side joined by Zammak (winner of the 2006 bowling prize) and Joey Ewen - on fire in a division where he doesn't need to hit the stumps to take wickets.

The 2s see a league debut for batsman Paul Sayce, further batting strength in the guise of Mike Forbes and a return to the side for Dick Ewen, making his way back to league cricket after serious injury in 2006. Dominic Lown, Derek Soppitt, The Doc and John Hill, all sporting ridiculous single figure averages, will all need to have the ball prized from their fingers.

And there's a 3s team out as well, facing up to Thames Ditton who play in the Fullers 3s league. This is extremely encouraging for the future of the club as many of the assembled are 2s players in disguise. And don't even ask about the unavailables...

Quiz Night

If you didn't make it to quiz night a week or so ago you missed a cracking evening. Del, Fudgey, Mackie and Tommy D combined with their better halfs to take the spoils. Hibby - pictured here in an outrageous waistcoat - played to Del's strong point with a round on cockernee rhyming slang although quite where he got some of his definitions from is open to some conjecture.

Goldy is pictured here trying to drag his team back into the contest with a valiant apple bobbing attempt and assembled Wick members and guests are pictured in the "Wickton Factor" round wearing as much cricket gear as they could find in 5 minutes. A cracking evening.

Many thanks to Dom, Tun-Up, Northern Nick D, Hibby and Clarky for organising and cooking. Look out for the next social at the end of June.

Match Report - 2ndxi vs Lingfield - by Clarky

Lingfield cc 2xi vs HWRCC 2nd xi

Lofting, Goldyou’reindestructible, Fudge*, Mackie (triggered), Clark+, Taylorson, Doddy, Soppitt, Nicholas, Laight, Lown

HWRCC 191-7 (50 overs) Fudge 41, Clark 38, Del Boy (36*)

Lingfield cc 124 all out (32.4) Krusty 5-42

Hampton Wick win by a nose as Lingfield turn up to the races

A different class of opposition pushed an eventually victorious Wick 2s hard this week. We had been reduced to 43-3 after 17 overs on a Victoria sponge of a wicket which was damper than Lindsey Lohan’s Jack and Danny. A partnership of 53 between Fudgey (41) and Clarky (38) rebuilt the innings before an 8th wicket unbroken partnership of 66 between Del Boy (36*) and Del Boy Direct (19*) gave us maximum batting points and enough runs to attack Lingfield. Lownsy took a well deserved Michelle and the points were ours. This was gritty, backs to the wall, stuff, and HWRCC justifiably retain their spot at the top of the league this morning.

It's a tribute to the strength of the club that we made four changes to the 11 this week - Debuts in the league for Nick Doddy and Derek Nicholas - and still came away with all 20.

Lingfield play at an ugly ground shared with a football club. The pavillion looks like a Nissen Hut and hides a scruffy interior and a particularly gruesome set of the coldest showers ever. The outfield was spoiled by big brown patches of bare earth where footballers had plied their trade over the winter. New nets aside Lingfield looks like a club that’s “rebuilding”.

They put out what looked like a very young, but talented, team. They looked good in the field pouncing on anything and whizzing the ball around – although perhaps they were short a bowler – and grounding three absolutely vital catches let down what was an impressive performance. Certainly it was difficult to pierce the ring early on as the pitch played very slowly and they took the pace off the ball to some effect.The first of the catches grassed reprieved Clarky when he had reached only 8. This cost them 30 runs. They later put down both Dels which cost them the 70 runs that pushed us to safety. Catches can win matches and putting them down yesterday cost Lingfield 20 points because their batting was good enough to overhaul a smaller total.

Lingfield won the toss and inserted. What a surprise... After Goldy and MS had watchfully established a base, their wickets fell quickly. They were joined by the unlucky Mackie who was adjudicated caught behind for 0 (quack) off thin air. Fudgey and Clarky then set themselves to bat time and mixed aggression against the short ball and bad ball with resolute defence. It wasn’t pretty – Clarky squirted nearly every run he made between 10 and 20 through first slip – and not off an open face – but it was effective. Some satisfying pull shots and hooks from both bats were emphatic. A cover drive from Clark was applauded. However neither went on and capitalised on the starts they had made on a pitch that was difficult to get “in” on.

A mini collapse saw us subside from 103-3 to 125-7. Doddy was particularly unlucky – beginning to play his muscular brand of cricket he was given out in one of Frank’s bolder leg before decisions which looked to most observers (including the opposition) to be sliding down leg like an attack of Delhi belly on a hiking holiday. We were in a bit of trouble at this point. One batting point in the bag was hardly the sort of haul we were looking for and 125 was not enough. Things looked worse as the two Dels found things difficult. The crucial drops intervened though and both got on with some positive batting. Lingfield ran out of bowling and suddenly the game changed. The unlucky Michael suddenly conceded 21 in three overs and a new bowler Powell had a Barry Crocker, leaking 36 in three including 16 off the last as Del went aerial. The skipper was happy to declare on 191 after 50, giving us 45 in reply.

Tea was not bad at all. Pickled onions were good news. Proper sizes mugs of tea. Those jam tart thingies. Lots of cakey things. Just half a point off DBW on mid season form. 6.5 out of ten.

However things took a poor turn at this point as oppo player Michael realised that his car had been stolen by thieving pikeys and we realised that MS had only escaped the same fate because he’d parked in full view of the pitch. A number of the boys lost keys and shrapnel – a useful if annoying reminder to put EVERYTHING in the valuables bag. The Police, of course, didn’t turn up – why bother? – and the oppo lost one player who was forced to go to the station to deal with them. It left a sour taste and ruined MS’s evening as he couldn’t leave the car for fear the thieves would return to drive it away.

Back on the pitch Lingfield made a good start, punishing anything short. Boundaries flowed. Game on. However Lownsy was in inspired form. The hot conditions assisted his prodigious inswing and the spongey deck made him pitch it up (they were good enough to pull and cut anything short). The dangerous looking Batty slapped a fuller ball to Mackie at point who clung on to a difficult chance. The other opener, Gradon, missed a yorker that swung prodigiously to bowl him through the gate (top bowling). The number 4, who looked like Andrew Symonds when he was growing his hair, mysteriously padded up to one that would have missed leg and off but not middle and we had them 29 for three from 23 for none.

A partnership developed between the useful looking Driscoll (useful looking apart from the cubic zirconium earring) and ‘keeper Gammon. But Krusty bowled the ball of the day – seaming away off the pitch to smash back the off stump – to rid us of Driscoll and MS bagged an LB to get rid of No 6. Del then threw up 5 overs of hand grenades to take 2 for 10 in combination with Clark behind the stumps. It remained for Kirky to take 1-12 and for Lownsy to finish the game with a final LBW, the unfortunate Michaels still dealing with Plod and unable to bat.

And that was that. Krusty’s impressive season with the ball continues unabated. He's currently averaging 7.5 in league cricket. Del (whose average is better than Lownsy's but doesn't yet qualify due to not taking quite enough wickets) backed up his all-rounder tag with runs this week – at the perfect pace and time – and got his name on the sixes league board too. Good runs for Fudgey and Clarky – neither of whom contributed much the previous week - showed that all the bats are more than capable of delivering at this level – even on a soft deck that was not easy to bat on. We should spare a word for opposition skipper Daw, who bowled 15 overs off the reel, cleverly taking the pace off, and deserved more than the wicket of MS to show for it.

Lownsy deservedly picked up MOM for his 5 for 42.

Good game Lingfield. Enjoyed it. Good luck with the rest of your first season in the Fullers.

2nd xi vs Southbank CC - Rain and vitriol affected report

HWRCC 2xi vs Southbank cc

Jackson, Goldenshower, Mackie, Fudge, Lofting, Clark, Soppitt, Crane, Greenwood, Donnelly, Lown

HWRCC 267-3 (44 overs)

Southbank 62-8 (22.something)

HWRCC "FLIPPIN MURDERED 'EM"

In this modern age of electronic communication it’s a brave soul that publishes and requests damnation. Any fule with typing fingers and a knowledge of Google can track down opprobrium. Some clubs might even use it as a motivational tool, pin a critical match report the wall and vow to do better the next time out. Who knows, if we play them again, at home, they might get a team out which would be a start. David Lloyd's famous cry of anguish neatly sums up how Wickman feels full three days after this soggy abomination drained away into a winning draw for our plucky boys.

Wickman is afraid that despite a life spent realising that Nemesis follows Hubris almost as certainly as night follows day (at his fourth birthday party he won the balloon race and proudly marched back to the starting line with the balloon tucked under his arm. It burst, of course, causing him to levitate hurriedly and it was a thin margin that prevented an embarrassing soiling of the Wickman undergarments) Wickman can’t resist a sideways swipe at Saturday’s opposition. And the sideways swipe is not a reference to the way that 50 per cent of the opposition wickets fell.

No. We’ve all got lost on the way to an opposition ground. We’ve all scrambled onto the sward breathless and tucking our shirts into our jockeys. But – and this is a big but – Wickman has never played in a side where the latest of the late arrivals has taken to the field in a natty, pointy-toed pair of slip on office shoes having ostentatiously sampled a tobacco product for five minutes before he crossed the line.

This in itself was remarkable enough to draw people to the front of the clubhouse for a quick look. But later, as the rain came down at the end of our innings, as the poor fella (who did not look like he had played much cricket) was tortured by his skipper as a boundary sweeper and could neither take off quickly in pursuit of the ball without traction or fail to overrun it when he coincided with its trajectory, it was difficult to resist a rueful smile or outright guffaw. On one particular occasion he even managed a sort of Rene Higuita fishtale kick which ensured the ball crossed the line for four. Wickman cannot describe it in any greater detail for fear his sides will split and necessitate a trip to Kingston A&E.

These guys were a shower in the dry, never mind when the heavens opened quietly before an eventual unplayable downpour dragged us from the field two wickets short of a table-dominating 20 points. Once again a thoroughly professional approach from The Wick was good enough to reduce the game to a farce which, had the opposition not bowled four extra overs in wides and no balls, would have been over before proceedings were washed away.

Wickman is sorry if this sounds harsh, but turning up with eight and condemning the make up numbers man in office shoes to SWEEP? In the WET? At least stand the guy at 1st slip so he can avoid aquaplaning. It’s not as if when conditions were at their best (dry ball, dry strip, low cloud) anyone came close to edging one to slip so you could have hidden him there, kept him more involved in the game and given him some sense of what the game is about.

Enough. Fudgey was unfortunate to lose the toss. Frankly given what we were to see later Wickman can’t imagine that 100 would have been assembled. In attempting to base our decision of what was a decent total on numbers of overs used first up, we may, in hindsight have batted too long. The 45 minutes it took to go from 160 to 260 off 44 cost us the points and the 100 runs were a luxury akin to having a 4 bedroom flat in Monaco with hot and cold running virgins. Nice to have, but not strictly necessary if you have a house in Hampton Wick, a job in London and you spend your Saturdays in Bushy Park.

AJ, spending time with us as penance for failing to assemble a big innings in the 1s, cashed in on some ordinary fare from Southbank and progressed to a really classy 67. It was a surprise when he perished. A surprise to him as a real shooter smacked into his middle stump at ankle height and a surprise to the bowler who had only just managed to locate the cut strip.

Goldy kept him company in a century opening partnership (Wickman thinks) and will not mind if it is mentioned that he did not score the lion’s share. However, in seeing off the openers and forcing the skipper to turn elsewhere he had made a great impression on the game. He eventually reached 50 by carting a full toss bowling spinner to the midwicket fence. Soon after he perished getting on with it.

Mackie and Fudgey both accumulated. Both hit trademark drives down the ground. Neither looked in any trouble until David fell across his stumps and was sent packing by a colleague who felt unable to deny the plaintive cries of the oppo. MS replaced him. Together he and Mackie milked the bowling to take us to 267 off 44 (the scorebook didn’t quite tally with the scorebox), Mackie reaching a well deserved 50. One bowler ended with the almost surreal figures, in the circumstances, of 8-?-2-16. Surreal because he bowled so many wides in his spell Clarky’s arms hurt from waving them around like a demented farm goose warding off a fox. Delboy’s scoring is to blame here. Interesting to note that in a game where four fifties were scored, the second biggest, at 57 was Southbank Extras.

Tea. DBW. The same.

The light drizzle that had soused the end of our innings continued. The Southbank skipper showed some desire for the chase and sent his boys out to have a look. His boys did not do too much looking. Dom Lown bowled one and secured a plum LBW of another to have SB less-than-10-for-2. The skipper had one shot – the open the face and glide it between keeper and gully – and employed it to reach double figures before being plum in front to a straight ball from MS.

Doc then used his experience to bowl straight balls at the rest of the SB team and four obliged by playing horrible mows and being bowled or LBW, Doc almost picking up a hat-trick were it not for the hat-trick ball being ranker than a chicken that has been left in an oven by sloppy students for eight weeks before it’s eventual discovery when the smell was so torturous that it was interfering with watching the Trent Bridge test in about 1989 (remind Wickman to tell you the story at some point).

The rain, which had become, shall we say, persistent, did for the game with them 8 down and in danger of capitulating totally to full straight bowling. Fudgey rotated the bowling skilfully and the rest of the wickets were shared around including one for Cranesy and another for Tommy. It was incredible that we got this far. The ball was like a bar of soap that has been left at the bottom of the bath for an hour. When you pick it up, you know there’s a hard bit somewhere towards the centre, but squidgy stuff oozes between your fingers… it was a tribute to our boys that they almost got the job done.

There was nothing for it but to sit around in steaming kit until there was no chance of getting out there to finish off. On small margins are such things decided. One early season rival made 179 from 52 overs and ended up having their oppo 8 down too. One run for one bonus point. Could that be vital at the end of the season? We will have to wait and see.

They weren’t a bad lot. In fact Wickman rather warmed to them despite thinking that their skipper’s interest in the game noticeably waned when he himself was out… but contrast his attitude with the oppo over at Olinda Vandals (1s) who were in the bar quicker than you could say “imnotwatchingbigbrother againdon’teventhinkaboutit” Right now though Wickman thinks we are all agreed that we can’t wait for Saturday to play a good game to its conclusion whatever the result. There’s something not quite right about abandoned games. Specially if they are this one-sided.

It’s difficult to say who was MOM on the day. AJ for his dashing 67? Doc for overcoming his ailments and distrust of group hugs to take four wickets and take us to within a whisker of the victory we craved? Too difficult I think. Let’s rather, like a purse for nearest the pin not claimed, carry it over to Saturday and see how we go.

HWRCC 2xi vs Wandgas 2xi - Match Report

HWRCC 2xi vs Wandgas 2xi (h) - Scorecard

Lofting, Tideswell, Fudge*, High, Clark +, Soppitt, Donnelly, Taylorson, Noor, Lown, Goodwin

Wandgas 92 all out Soppitt 5-0-5-11, Goodwin 13-6-1-13 HWRCC 93-4 Clark 29*, Lofting 25

HWRCC grind out excellent victory

Those of you with young children will be used to Scooby Doo. For the purists, only the older episodes will do. The original theme tune, no Scrappy Doo and a Daphne that stirred strange longings in even pre-pubescent young men (despite ginger hair) are a potent recipe even now.

In Scooby Doo, you will remember, 4 youths (the aforementioned Daphne, Fred – a strange cravat wearing graduate, a loser stoner called Shaggy and an ugly bowl headed “intelligent” one called Velma) and the eponymous dog Scooby who, unusually for a canine, can talk in short sentences, are driving around in a van. No one knows why. No one knows why anyone entertains them. What do they do in real life? How do they earn an income? What relationship do they have with each other? If they aren’t related, who is chaperoning Fred and Daphne?

Anyway. Threre’s a mystery each week that Fred and the team have to solve. Usually Shaggy and Scooby, both of whom must be constantly wrecked, have to eat halfway through the story. So it’s much like a game of Wick cricket. The mystery yesterday was what Wandgas had done with their 2s.

An obviously understrength Wandgas were inserted and soon found themselves approximately 6-2. Tommy D ripped out one of their openers who played no stroke to one that cut back and hit his off stump via his pad. Skipper Fudgey swooped on a quick single and threw down the stumps at the bowler’s end with a direct hit from an acute angle to dismiss the other. They were soon in even more trouble as Billy swung one back to remove Number 4 LBW. They had mustered 11-3.

A decent partnership for the fourth wicket made a game of it as the Number 3, Bash (no kidding) assembled 34 runs mostly through point and between the posted slips and the gully. Their No 5, Winslade, had an early altercation with Clarky – who employed a limited vocabulary in the exchange – and displayed the only really obvious batting technique on the day. However he came up against Ted Goodwin in majestic form. Ted bowled wicket to wicket stuff, occasionally beating both bats off the pitch, and conceding only 13 runs from 11 overs. That Ted only took one wicket – digging one in against the number three who tamely patted it back – was because he was simply too good and all the bats could do was pat him back up the pitch despite Fudgey setting them a field which encouraged them to pay through the V.

The Wick’s quick over rate and rapid changes of ends meant that 20 overs were bowled in the first hour and the game got away from Wandgas. When Delboy was introduced to the attack, as is usual the opposition’s eyes lit up like the quiz machine in the bar. A couple of muscular slogs resulted while Delboy found his line and then, in four overs of mayhem he took a five-for to destroy the Wandgas lower order.

His first removed the barnacle-like Winslade who had laboured for three quarters of an hour for 8. Attractive flight confused him and he yorked himself, the ball knocking back the middle stump. No 7 was not a batsman. He poked around for a couple of balls before edging behind to a grateful Clarky to give Del two wickets in his second over. No 6 perished bowled round his legs a la Shane Warne. No 8 was caught by the same fielder, Clarky’s arm telescoping out to snare a good catch like Inspector Gadget. No 9 also found a way to get bowled. Absolute carnage. Lownsy, last week’s man of the match and opening bowler, was tossed the cherry as fourth change and bowled their No 10 who was making no bones about the fact that he couldn’t bat. No 11 didn’t trouble the scorers, facing, as he did, no balls.

An absolutely ruthless performance in the field served up Wandgas on a plate. The only catches offered were accepted with glee. Fudgey’s run-out was phenomenal and killed their innings before it got going. All the bowlers put the ball on the spot, Ian Taylorson getting some encouraging movement through the air, with Ted and Delboy taking the lion’s share of the plaudits.

So back to the Scooby Doo metaphor. With half the episode in the bag, we were beginning to see a pattern emerging. This Wandgas team was an imposter! This correspondent believed that the No 11, of West Indian descent, must be a pacy fast bowler. Indeed not. He donned the leg-guards and some frankly brutally red keeper’s gloves and took up station behind the stumps. He was definitely in disguise, and very scary. Anything down the leg-side became byes – 1,2 or 4 – and throughout our innings extras kept the scoreboard ticking over nicely. Clarky began to suspect that it was the wicket-keeper who had done it…

MS and Nevil Tideswell (having a pleasant weekend down South) opened our account. The two openers were decentish, one bowling big induckers the other bowling wicket to wicket. Nev’s rustiness was exposed early and he was bowled by one of the aforementioned induckers. Fudgey replaced him and was undone by a good slip catch against the same bowler. Charlie was bowled by one from the other end which cut back off the pitch. So far not so good. The Wick subsided to 28-3.

However Clarky joined MS and together they set about the flagging openers both particularly brutal on anything short. The change bowlers were not of the class of the opening pair (again they were dressed up as cricketers but were probably in disguise) and MS began to enjoy himself against them one or two lofted shots into the leg side for four recalling his salad days. There were to be no further real alarms as both proceeded comfortably to twenty-something. MS did perish when one stopped on him and he lobbed it to cover, but that only brought a beaming Del to the wicket who assembled a rapid 8 runs to win the game and with it the coveted MOM.

The opposition packed their bags and left as soon as they possibly could. They had descended into bickering in the field and using choice language to refer to each other. This continued as they left the ground. The mystery of the missing cricket team was resolved later. Apparently many of their players are Chelsea supporters so they had gone to the FA Cup final. There were 8 changes from the previous week. Good. Thanks for the points. They will, at full strength, probably do us a favour by beating other teams in the league. Thanks for that too. Frankly boys, the disguises as cricketers didn’t quite work. With two players batting in white T-shirts, one donning a hooded top to field, you weren’t convincing…

DBW provided the Scooby snacks (7/10 – addition of pate sandwiches – unusual but much admired).

MOM Delboy pictured here with jug. TFC Tidy… pictured here with some new duck friends.