HWRCC vs. KINGSTON – Sunday 11th May - Match Report by Jimmy C

HWRCC – 170/4 from 39 overs. Fudgey 48; Goldie 68 (MOM)

KINGSTON – 86/7 off 30-overs. Junaid 3 for very little; Kennedy and Vaider 2 a piece.

Wick achieves winning draw (read: win) against Kingston

They say that a week can be a long time in politics ("They" just do apparently… look it up). But I think the same can be said about, what I would consider being, the harshest and yet most rewarding of all mistresses… namely playing cricket for HWRCC.

After the initial struggles of putting out a 1st Sunday xi last week, Sunday skipper Jimmy C had the run of the club’s best and brightest for the home tie against Kingston on Sunday May 11th. Everyone wanted to play. In fact, so eager were people to play that apparently DBW considered revising his tea schedule to accommodate the extra players. It was that lively.

Jimmy C was overwhelmed by the volume of text messages / emails that came in during the week from players expressing a desire to be a part of the Wick’s newest regime.

Here’s a selection:

Fudgey: “Put me down for Sunday. I need runnnnsssss”. Ok, I will.

Whinney: “Are there any spaces left for Sunday? PE Man!!” For you mate, of course.

Del Boy: “I’m available” – Thanks, but can you play?

Unknown: “It was great to meet you last night. Fancy a drink next weekend?” – No. Piss off and gain 20 pounds. You know I prefer the larger set... I told you that

And so it went on...

Needless to say, Jimmy was thrilled by the squad of players on offer and could hardly wait for Sunday’s match to begin.

On the back of a strong bowling performance last Sunday, the Wick went into this game with a huge sense of confidence and belief (well I know I did). On a hard track that was already cutting up rough from Saturday’s action, Jimmy C won the toss and promptly decided to bat (much to the annoyance of the oppo). It was a hot day, Del was hungover, and none of the boys wanted to do much running in the afternoon sun – FACT. It was a simple decision really.

Golby and big Bobby Sisso opened the batting. Golby, keen to make up for a golden duck in Saturday’s game for the 2s, looked completely at ease out in the middle. With poise, experience and maturity beyond his years, Golby held off the two opening bowlers who were getting the ball to “do a bit” on the ridge, and managed to tick the scoring over nicely. Sisso was experience personified, bedecked in Wick jumper despite the heat (probably because of it) but found himself back in the hutch after only a few overs.

With Fudgey and Golby now at the crease, Kingston really stood no chance in getting back into this game. As the overs ticked by and the bowlers became increasingly tired, both players began launching into their shots. Fudgey, no doubt buoyed by Saturday’s win, played some magnificent long drives over the in field, while Golby played some of the sweetest cover drives you are ever likely to see. At the drinks break, we were only one wicket down, and on track for a solid score.

Not satisfied by the good start, Fudgey tried to pick the scoring rate up, however his exuberance soon got the better of him – holing out to a sort of short-long mid off for a valuable 48 runs. Golby, now joined by Kennedy at the crease, wasn’t fazed. He continued to pile on the runs and, with the later support of Del Boy and Jimmy C, managed to push the Wick to a declared 170 after 39 overs. He finished with a delightful, if not quite redeeming for Saturday's Fantasy Managers, 68 runs.

Teas – ats

After the break, the Wick set about the challenge of taking all 10 wickets. While the 80th birthday celebrations taking place at the club house proved to be some distraction, Jimmy C urged the boys to “$%£! focus” on the task at hand.

With Shaun Whinney debuuuuuing behind the stumps, Junaid and Jimmy C opened the bowling. Like the Sunday before, Junaid bowled out of his skin, quickly taking three wickets in what Sisso described post match as, wait for it, a “lively” opening spell. Jimmy, despite bowling well in conjunction, got nothing. ATS. With that in mind, young colt Nick Parkes, described as the “new Stuart Clark” of Hampton Wick by some, was brought into the attack. Although unlucky not to pick up a wicket, Parko teased Kingston batsmen with pace, nip, bounce, experience and, not to be outdone, fitness.

With the match heading for a dull draw, Jimmy C threw the ball to Duncan Kennedy in a surprise move. Rewarding his faith, big Duncs picked up two wickets in his first few overs, and left Kingston with an almighty struggle to stay in the game.

However, as time drew on, a draw seemed to be the only outcome of the match. While Jimmy rotated his strike force - Del, Hirchy and Vaider (who picked up two wickets) all had a trundle – the game ended in a winning draw. Kingston didn’t look like they wanted it at all, and looked knackered to be honest.

While it was annoying for the skipper not to pick up another win, the Sunday team is still undefeated for 2008. It was a good way to end a great Wick Wash weekend. After the match, Bobby was in fine form, and let loose with some of the funniest anecdotes about cricket and the Wick I’ve ever heard.

So what will be in store for next weekend? Who knows - but like a midget at a urinal, I’m gonna have to stay on my toes. [Here's a urinal which will help you to relax - Ed]

HWRCC 3xi Vs Camberley cc 3xi (h) - Match Report by Lloydy

Risman, Crane, Doddy, Lloyd ©, Copeland +, Cameron, Robinson, Taylorson, Kennedy, Tong, Laight

As the proud captain of the Wick’s newest league side, it was with a degree of trepidation that we approached our first game in our new league. All the ingredients for a good days cricket were there: Weather - Check, 11 players - Check, Oppo - Check, Typical Wick pitch - Check. So all going well it seemed until I lost the toss. The oppo had a car missing and we were missing an Aussie (something about shrimp and barbies I dunno) so I helpfully suggested that we would be happy to field first with 10 to enable their remaining players to arrive.

Wick – 1 Camberly - 0

Kirky opened up with the new ball and bowled a lovely line and length that was instantly a challenge to the batsmen who struggled to get their head round the ball angling across and swinging in. At the other end we opened with new boy Graeme Tong. Text from Matty D mid week [He is rapid! Opening bowler Fact!!]. He wasn’t wrong and Tongy hit the mark immediately and took a wicket with his second ball. He and Kirky formed a formidable partnership, miserly on runs and always threatening to take wickets. At 3 for 3 (with only eight players present) Wick tails were firmly up and Camberly looked to be in a spot of bother.

After a spell of 9 overs for 4 wickets and having ripped through the upper order Tong was replaced by Taylorson who continued the demolition with his own run of 4 wickets from 7 overs for 10 runs, supported by Duncan at the other end who shipped in with a wicket off his 4 overs.

Camberly’s innings closed all out for 54 off 30.3 overs. Advantage Wick!

Teas- Interesting Asian fusion with Chicken Tikka [Good work Lloydy - like your use of the word fusion - Ed] but bread slightly dry so 6/10 [Hmmm. Perhaps you were through them so early that the bread was ever so slightly fresher - Ed]

The Wick innings was opened by Mssrs Risman and Crane – a formidable blend of composure and explosive power against the old ball. With the words “You have 75 overs to chase this score so don’t try and do it in the first 3 Cranesy!” they resisted temptation and I am pleased to say batted with control and common sense.

The score was brought up off just 10 overs without losing a wicket and allowed a satisfied team onto the terrace, Magners in hand to cheer on the 2s. An excellent team performance typified by first class fielding and bowling from all. We won’t win games by this kind of margin every week, but we have set ourselves a yardstick for measuring our bowling and fielding against and if we can get close to maintaining this form we will be a tough team to beat.

WICKWASH

[Image is obviously Tongs four for... - Ed]

1st xi vs Horley (a) Match Report by Matty D

Sat May 10, 1XI win by 60 runs against Horley.

Sayce, Cole, Davies, Raza, O'Mahoney, Mackie, Walsh, Ewen, Whinney, Ford, Iqbal.

May 10 was a truly wonderful day. The Sun was out, lots of skin was on show, and the Wick 1XI eventually showed why they should be challenging for promotion this season with a blistering performance in the field.

We arrived early at Horley, having trekked around South London, Surrey, Gatwick and then part of Sussex. The ground and pavillion is very pleasant at Horley, if a little ropey round the edges (quite literally in the case of the boundary rope). We'd had a bad experience there two years ago in the league cup so were keen to make a point.

No rain for a week and 27 degrees forecast, anyone winning toss with a decent bowling attack simply had to bat first. I duly did so, which seemed to surprise the Horley lot who appeared to feel differently. The track was white, if a little mossy, but essentially a hard deck and runsss were predicted.

Sayce and Cole opened up without alarm. The ball swung a little early on, and the bowling was controlled without being quick or overly threatening. Having caressed the ball around the off side a few times, Sayce fell to short cover with the score at 40. Cole then took over the run scoring, beginning to free his arms, before he tired and dollied a low full toss straight back at the bowler. 70-2.

Raza and O'Mahoney both joined Davies in mini partnerships that started well but ended abruptly. Both looked at ease, before being caught straight and bowled respectively. Davies was slow but untroubled at the other end, before he foolishly again got caught not committing to an attacking stroke. Mackie, whose hamstring and new spikes severly hindered his progress, looked completely out of sorts, and it wasn't a surprise when he gave another caught and bowled for a duck. Walsh got another lbw. Whether is was out or not, you gotta use your bat.

100-7.

Joey, Whinney, young Junaid and in particular Ford then took up the challange of getting the score to a defendable total. Joey used his long handle, Ford did likewise and Whinny nurdled it around. A score of 146 represented a below par batting performance, but the momentum achieved at the end of the innings gave impetus to the team, who were galvanised and ultra determined.

Teas - 4/10. A bit poor to be honest. Nothing original, although chicken nuggets are nice.

Joey had received a send off from the bowler when he was caught on the boundary. Rule 1 of cricket: dont anger a 6-7 left arm quickie. Ball 1 he came to the crease. 80%. Dot ball. Ball 2, he galloped to the crease, inswinging yorker, bowled, gone. Joey was past the batsman before he'd realised he was out. A perfect start that set the tone.

With an attcking field, in his next over, Joey promptly setup the #3. Give him a short and wide one (4), and then bowl it quicker at half volley and see if he middles that one. He didnt he nicked it, and O'Mahoney snaffled it by his ankles. Incidentally in two weeks of 'keeping Adam has not conceeded one bye.

Whinney then joined the party, the other opener lbw. Whinney pulled up lame with cramp after ball 5 of his 4th over. Kam finished the over. One ball. The skipper on strike. Out bowled. You couldnt script it better. Stories - just what cricket is all about.

At 44-4, Horley were struggling wickets wise, but were going a a fair lick thanks to the #4 who was smashing it around. One six off Joey was immense.

...........Fordy mate Fordy mate Fordy mate....

Enter David Ford, who with his usual precision, bowled just short of a length, let the ball and the pitch do the work, and nuggeted his way to 5 priceless wickets, including the crucial #4 who was forced into playing a non-boundary scoring shot and ended up lbw playing across the line.

The rest quickly fell as Horley were all out for 85 inside 20 overs.

A great performance in the field. MOM Ford for aggressive hitting and picking up 5 wickets.

Game on...

HWRCC 2xi vs Horley (h) Match Report

Singh, Clark+, Fudge, Gobly, Wright, Jackson, Soppitt, Powell, Donnelly, Webster, Lown

HWRCC 227-5 (Fudge 72)
Horley 93-10

HWRCC wins

2s deliver Wickwash

What a day. Blue skies with big old stratocumulus. Hot, humid almost dank skies. An alliterative haze hung heavy over Hampton Wick. At twelve the eleven arrived, changed and practiced. Horley hovered.

Who cares how the Wick has turned into a hot, hard deck but all of a sudden, second week in May, happy Wick bats should rejoice. Suddenly after a 2007 in which the only thing that was predictable was that it wouldn’t do what you thought, here was a deck with bounce and carry. Both. Together. In the same ball.

Horley won the toss and decided to field. Their skipper was a bit freaked out by the Wick’s practice session perhaps. But this was a stinking afternoon to bowl. Yes it might have rained a bit the day before. It might have been greasy. But Clarky had been playing fetch with Wickmutt and a cricket ball that morning and he would swear later that the dog’s lead had taken all the moisture off the square. The burning heat removed the rest.

Nathan and Clarky opened. Clarky was sent in in lieu of AJ who was travelling back from a family do the night before in a Northern industrial town. Before he had time to get anxious, Nathan had holed out at mid on from a no ball and then wellied an off drive to… cover to collect the first taxworthy (quack) innings of the day. 1-1. Not what the captain had ordered. Clarky was supposed to be smashing it around, not Nathan.

Fudge and Clark consolidated and found little to worry about. This was a surprisingly true surface despite being greener than a first year university student doing a stint on reception during the holidays and being asked to use the PA system to locate Mike Hunt. It was hotter than it would have been were they trying to film To Kill a Mockingbird on the outfield. And the the oppo’s opening bowler pulled a hammy. So the first wicket down partnership just left the good balls and hit the rest.

Clarky almost died because he was forced to run a lot (all run fours might look good in the scorebook but they look shit when 39 year olds participate in them in 27 degree heat). They put a 70 partnership together before Clark turned for a non existent second, slipped and was stranded trying to get back. Questions were asked but it was just a bad accident. Clark was wearing studded boots etc etc etc.

Goldy – selected by 99 per cent of all fantasy selectors – managed to make it look as if he had edged a leggy into the gloves of the keeper. It was his first ball sadly. Quack. AJ and Fudge then pushed the score along to 110 until Fudge conspired with the oppo to get out when on 72. Frankly he should have got 172 because up until he got out the wickets had been taken off a full toss, a run out where someone slipped and then a leg break which turned so much that the umpire gave it out.

AJ and Wrighty then set about piling on the runs. Both made unflustered progress mostly scoring straight or behind square in blocks of four runs. Eventually AJ decided he couldn’t run any more. This, he said, was down a muscle pull in his thigh. Mostly your scribe thinks that’s because he was out the night before giving it large on the dancefloor. Cutting some shapes. Etc. Well anyway he felt a bit tired and started limping. He asked for a runner. At that point the Wick had lost three wickets. Some knob was going to get stitched up.

It wouldn’t be Fudge. What skipper goes out to run in the heat of the midday Sun? Only mad dogs really get involved. Would you really send Nathan out to run? Probably not. So, instead, send out the oldest man in the team (by probably 9 years) who had to spend 10 minutes in the cellar to cool down earlier. Next time just keep your mouth shut and deal in boundaries. Clarky had once given AJ a paid job in a PR company. He was upset when AJ was unable to persuade his colleagues to turn that into a full time position. Even more so on Saturday. Clarky would have enjoyed waiting for a fresh Alex to turn up to work on the Monday morning. Before asking him to… well in PR you don’t have really crud jobs… spend all week… licking the dirty bits out of the photocopier. Or something.

AJ eventually ran Wrighty out a boundary or so short of a well deserved 50 (reactolite rapides are so yesterday but on Wrighty they seem moderrrrrrnnnnn) using Clark as an instrument before proceeding to a sublime Aj-like 50. Sisso’s teeth – Sisso had AJ in his fantasy team – were visible reflected off the moon by the Hubble Telescope. And the innings was closed leaving Horley to score 228 off one more over than the Wick had managed 227. Any grumbles? All thought that the Horley skipper could have announced himself earlier. Otherwise… nope.

Sadly Horley didn’t fancy it in reply. If, they said, we had offered them 180 off 55 then (looking at their nails, fingers scrunched into their palms) they might have had a go. Oh please. Why not bat first then and set 180? Tea, by the way, was a really disappointing 5.5.

5.5? Yes. Not one bit of bread could be called fresh. Forget everything else. The – bread – was – not – fresh. No wonder Horley didn’t come out firing. How could they on stale bread? Perhaps Dave knew which way the 2s toss would fall? It totally undid the good work Dave had pulled off by creating chicken tikka open sandwiches. Happy Daves? No.

Horley didn’t really have a go. Who would have after that tea? They lost two wickets pretty quickly and then didn’t rebuild. They eventually made 93 in reply. Webbo, Lownsy, Powelly and Timmy F bowled such tight lines that there was nothing going. So Horley shut up shop. Reeeeeeally early. Webbo was the Q of quick if not quite the a of accuracy. Del came on and selflessly threw up some relatively expensive overs to get Horley to hole out. They did. He took three for. At least the hammy victim Horley opener smashed some. He will be pleased with his batting. At the other end Powelly bowled a mature full and straight spell that cleaned up 4 bats. It was quick, accurate and unplayable. Powell is back. FACT.

The fielding was amazing. Golby juggled a phenomenal catch at gully to bring one down which suggests with practice he could be one of the all time Wick gully greats. Clarky coped well with some interesting crop spraying. Fudgey and Webbo in particular fielded like demons. While Horley conceded 40 runs to misfields and poor throws the Wick challenged every bat to risk something. No one did.

The Wick won with many overs to spare. That Horley felt we had gone too far in scoring 220+ off half the overs suggests they may not be the most ambitious oppo we will face this year. No matter. This was a good game, fought at close quarters. Both sides acquitted themselves well.

Powelly MOM.

Perfect.

Wickwash - three league teams. How good is that!?

A winter or so ago a few people sat around the clubhouse thinking about what steps we needed to take to take HWRCC on another level. Rashly it was decided that we would recruit to create a third xi. We'd enter the league we said. Just look at this! The first official all Fullers League Wickwash IN THE HISTORY OF THE CLUB. Never been done before! And what a victory for the 3s! Match reports please!

Sunday xi vs Ashtead (home) Match Report by Jimmy C

HWRCC – Jimmy C (Skip), Matty D, Mark, Harry, Junaid, Vaider, Duncan, Maloj, Del Boy, Sam Kemp, Lloydy

125-9 (Matty D 48, Del Boy 25)

ASHTEAD

67 all out (Junaid 5 /15 – lively!)

HWRCC won by 58 runs

If there was any doubt that pressure applied to someone in the right fashion can cause them to do something you want them to do (think water boarding, dripping a tap in a darkened room, blindfolded) you need look no further than this match report. It is a sad state of affairs when someone needs to be cajoled into writing about what they love and dream about every night (aside from the ‘larger set’), but that is precisely what has happened to yours truly.

Following threats from the 1st Team Captain and Wickman to get his proverbial arse into gear, which included removal from employment and…….actually, that pretty much did it, I caved in and penned the following match report of HWRCC Sunday XI vs Ashtead.

Like Josef Fritzl on holiday in Thailand while the kids are left at home, I simply can’t take leave of my responsibilities. So I’m sorry. There – I said it. I’ve learnt my lesson. And I can assure you that, unlike Fritzl, I will not leave you in the dark any longer over the success of the Sunday team.

And what success we had on Sunday May 4th 2008.

Following an almighty struggle to get 11 players to commit to a game (Geez boys, it’s not like cricket is a girl demanding a full term relationship…..Actually, it kind of is now that I think about it), Debut Wick Skipper Jimmy C led out the first Sunday team of the season against an Ashtead side which Lownsy described, in a more sober moment, as “good” (he’s a man of many words…..).

After promptly losing the toss (ominous start), the Wick were sent in to bat on a sticky wicket. With relatively little experience of captaining (read none), Jimmy C displayed a great deal of uncertainty as he put together his batting order. While Matty D was a certainty to open, it was very much a case of picking and hoping that the remaining players who said they could “bat a bit”, weren’t just pulling a fast one.

Aside from handy performances from Matty D (48), Del Boy (25), it turned out that the rest were pulling a fast one and couldn’t “bat a bit” (I include myself on that score). Although Ashtead bowled on the spot, with the right application and “experience” (I had it throw it in) we should have scored more than just the 125 runs we scraped together. Save the final efforts of Del and Junaid, we would have been looking at a much lower total.

Players go to the break. Tea – ats.

Pep talk time.

Quick to establish who was the boss out in the field, Jimmy C rallied the troops. “Talk it up” was his refrain (amongst other inaudible nonsense) as the boys got together in the huddle. He said that with the right pressure on the batsman and the right “talk”, we might just be able to nick a result.

That turned out to be a massive underestimate.

Taking the game by the thruff of the scroat, Jimmy C put himself and young Junaid in to open the bowling. While Jimmy managed to keep it consistent and the on the spot, young Iqbal let loose. Taking 5 for 15 in a blistering opening spell, Junaid took out the top order with ease. Line, length, nip, height, swing - his spell had everything which makes him worthy of the Wick.

Despite the terrific start and with the game very much in our corner, we appeared to be running out of bowling stocks. However, sensing his carpe diem moment, Skipper Jimmy C sent his trump “surprise card” into bowl.

Some say he is the chap who waited on us at last year’s end of season dinner. Del knows him as Maloj. But to everyone (read Jimmy C) out on the field last Sunday, he is now the new Anil Kumble of the Wick. With pace, spin, aggression, length and…wait for it… experience, Maloj bamboozled the batsman – much like Anil does. Welcome to the Wick my son. And while he didn’t pick up any wickets, it didn’t matter. He had made a statement. The batsmen were shocked and it was game over.

Vaider and Del then came into the attack and picked up the remaining wickets, leaving Ashtead with a miserly 67 runs at the close. It was a great day’s cricket and debut skipper Jimmy C was over the moon with the result.

First win of the season.

I can’t wait for next Sunday.

1xi vs Godalming - Match Report

This is what you could have won... Bully's starrrrrr prize...

At the weekend the Wick 1s made their now traditional start to the season by losing in the first round of the cup. Wickman received the following match report and pusblishes it in good faith word for word.

On Saturday 3rd May, 2008, HWRCC 1XI lost in the Fuller’s Surrey League Cup to Godalming. Congratulations go to our opponents who deserved their victory. Further details can be found from the league website (NC to insert link).

Wickman doesn't know who NC is and can't find a link. So this is it.

Wickman did hear on the grapevine that perhaps we weren't at our best in the field on Saturday which might be the reason for the brevity here...

Something for the weekend sir? Team News...

The first league teams of the year are out. For those of you that have been holding off on Fantasy Team selection (come on guys its a sodding tenner and its for the good of the club!!!) now is the time to get your submission in to Dom Lown. You know it makes sense.

1xi vs Horley (away)
MEET: Skipper to confirm
START: 13:30

Sayce, Walsh, Hooper, Raza, Mahoney +, Davies ©, Mackie, Cole, Ewen, Whinney, Ford

2xi vs Horley (home) Meet 12:00
Start 13:30

Singh, Jackson, Fudge ©, Golbfrapp, Wright, Clark +, Soppitt, Donnelly, Powell, Iqbal, Lown

3xi vs Camberley CC (home)
MEET: 12:30
START 13:30

Risman, Murray, Doddy, Crane, Cameron, Lloyd ©, Copeland +, Tong, Taylorson, Robinson, Laight

Spectacular Cricketing Names (2)

For those of you old enough to remember the extraordinary gnashers of Esther Rantzen flashing away on Sunday nights when telly was rubbish (it really was unbelievably bad) on That's Life the name of Cyril Fletcher will be a distant but painful memory. Cyril used to do the unfunny readers letters bit. "I am indebted to a reader from Swanley who..." was his catchphrase. Wickman is indebted to a reader from Brentford who thinks that we should get this gentleman down the Wick. Wickman is inclined to agree. In fact Cyril was probably a bit of a one too even if he doesn't look it. Banter...

Next Social

The next social at the club will be new members' evening on 17 May. Entry is a modest £3 to cover some minor costs. Your compere for the evening will be Paul Hibby Hibberd and your DJ - none other than Resident denizen of the wheels of steel, DJ Fudgey Fudge of GeniusSound. Ideally we would like there to be dancing and rapid consumption of alcohol leading to intoxication and the having of fun in the company of adults. So you will need to plan ahead. Find approximately £25 and put it in a drawer. Do not touch this until the morning of 17 May. Write in diary "New Members Evening at The Wick". Tell significant others the cold hard facts that they can either join you down the Wick or nothing. If you are a new member, do not even THINK about being somewhere else (new members is defined by not having been to a new members evening before which is the vast majority of the club) and think of it as an opportunity to make new friends and therefore enjoy your cricket more this year. Thank you. May 17. 8pm or whenever the last car returns to the Wick.

Calling all Coaches

Gentlemen. Part of having a colts set up at the club includes the commitment to help out in the fantastic work that Tony and the team put in on a Sunday morning. For the majority of us, Sunday morning is a painful time, often a time for introspection and forensic examination of the previous evening's exploits. However there are 120 youngsters learning the skills of our game down the Wick at the exact same time. Matty has put up a volunteering list on the club notice board. It would be good to see some names on it shortly... one Sunday morning in the season can't be completely impossible, surely?

Village Performance by Wick 2s

Banstead CC 2xi vs HWRCC 2xi
HWRCC won toss and batted
HWRCC 120 (Au 50+) Banstead 122-1

Walsh, Singh, Fudge*, Golborn, Clark+, Kennedy (JFK), Taylorson, Parkes, Junaid, Powell, Lown

Banstead. Five whole leagues above us. A club reeking with monies. Not one but two pavilions. Pavillion One an ancient beast totally beautiful with tiled roof. Drop down dead gorgeous viewed from square on across the pitch. Pav two where bar is more of a jury rigged pre-fab. A bright green oasis thingy in gruesomely grim suburban North Surrey. A cart track entry road that winds round rural fields. And then a cricket club worth visiting. A gem. Clarky happy.

The weather was set fair after a week of on off rain. Clarky happy. The deck was a new word – chewy. Brown in a bad way. Green in a bad way. The outfield was like glass… but glass that has been washed and tumbled on the beach. Smooth. Smooth but very sloowwwwwww.

Skipper Fudge decided to bat first on winning the toss, reasoning that we would grind out a competitive total over sixty or so overs of attritional cricket. How wrong he was. Moments after an encouraging fielding practice the entire game unravelled as last week’s oppo cancellation caused deep rifts.

Firstly Clarky had failed to pack the wand. Clarky unhappy. A slight hangover left him unable to distinguish between bat handles. He had only a cut down fielding training bat to play with. Like Harry Potter bereft he would be unable to create magic. Clarky had also omitted to pack a towel which similarly destroyed his ability to remain focused. In a final nod to poor planning he had failed to pack gum. This was not good. Clarky beside himself.

Similarly underprepared, Fudgey had only packed one pad. A lie in after free Coronas the night before had also left him short of preparation time meaning that he only had one boot ready for action. Walshy was reminded by Clarky that Duck Tax applied and was almost immediately undone by one that kept low in partnership with an umpire who was keen to assist Banstead’s start. £5 poorer and so briefly at the crease that Fudgey was forced into action attired like a Colt from a poor family Walsh was advised to seek £2.50 from Clarky and £2.50 from the umpire. Questions were asked of Fudgey by Banstead’s fielders keen to understand this sartorial nonchalance. Shortly afterwards he popped one that stuck in the pitch to midwicket. This saved Banstead’s close fielders from having to think up any more gags.

When Nathan walked across his stumps and lost his leg stick for not very many the Wick looked extremely village at 12-3. The deck was not blameless but those assembled had seen much worse not that far from Kingston Bridge. A couple of rusty shots which had not been worked out of the system the previous week following Old Stiff’s cancellation were largely responsible. Auborn and Clarky tried to rebuild and edged along for half an hour before Clarky middled one with his pad and was adjudged adjacent.

Duncan and Auborn then scored the majority of the Wick’s runs in a fifty or so partnership that was shared evenly between them. Duncan looked at ease despite a long lay off from willow-wielding. Goldy looked… well… like Goldy. Front foot defence – check. Late cut – check. Slap back over the bowler’s head – check. Fifty runs – check. Without his innings the Wick would have looked less like a Village side and more like a small rural settlement without a church. Hamlet.

When Duncan perished in the 20s, Taylorson briefly flourished attracting action from those on the boundary considering their fantasy line ups. Nick Parkes, on debut for the twos, scrapped valiantly. Junaid tried obdurate defence. Both were unpicked by a strike bowler who had been held back from the early skirmish when the Wick was busy self-destructing. Lownsy managed to preserve his average of infinity while others fell about him. 120 was at least 60 short of being defendable. A really rather poor display all in all.

Your food critic is inclined to treat teas more favourably this year. It is not inconceivable that an 8.5 or even 9 could be awarded in 2008 under the right circumstances. This, however, was not going to achieve those lofty heights. A plate of exotic biscuits ensured that it should be taken seriously. As did moist cake and buttered malt loaf. However, like a medium pacer unable to get seam or swing, in the sanwiches there was little variation.

Top marks can only really be attained by those seeking innovation in bread products coupled with biscuit arrays and cakage. It’s just not good enough to go for thin white sliced in every sandwich. Have they not heard of ciabattas, pittas, wholemeal, baps, bloomers etc? Harsh maybe, but that trinity must be observed. 7 is still a good mark, and probably excellent this early in the season, but it signals room for improvement. There was some amusing theatre as an opposition lad who would tip the scales at 18 stone or more started to strip the rice paper off the base of macaroon or similar. It looked to your correspondent to be too late for such half measures. Only stomach stapling or a wired jaw would have made any real difference.

The Wick’s performance in the field was a great improvement on the batting effort. With only 120 runs to play with we managed to keep a fairly relaxed Banstead out there for in excess of 30 overs with a fairly inexperienced attack. Powell looked good value once he had changed ends and dealt with a few issues with his run up. Lown was miserly but perhaps lacked penetration on a day when the ball didn’t zip around in the air. Junaid took the only wicket of the day, removing a debutant wicketkeeper who looked to have been sent in in an attempt to assess ability and temperament. On this showing he will perhaps not open the batting again...

The other opener was a classier bat than is provided for by Fullers opposition and he progressed to a sedate fifty and probably made sixty or more in the end without giving a cut and dried chance. He looked best when on-driving but was compact and unflashy. Utilitarian if you like. The fella who eschewed chewing the rice paper earlier clagged an aggressive thirty or so mostly hitting across the line. Early in his innings he offered two half chances as these shots went awry but once he found his range his natural muscularity allowed him to punish anything at all short. He hit a heavy ball...

Nick Parkes looked surprisingly composed with the ball given the savagery of the batting. He will take wickets this season. Duncan was treated harshly but does just enough with the ball that when tracks harden out with sunshine he will be a tricky proposition. Here the deck was just too slow. Taylorson was on the spot but was brought into the fray too late to affect the outcome. Walsh tossed up a couple at the death, but the corpse of the game had been pronounced earlier in the ambulance so there was little chance he would be able to revive the Wick’s fortunes.

Generally in the field the boys looked sharpish. There were positives to be taken from the run out for Powelly and Lownsy who needed the overs under their belts. Clarky picked up some practice taking grubbers standing up to the stumps. Fudgey hit the sticks from cover to hone in that lazer close fielding. Some new Austrian cellar related banter was essayed in the changing rooms. It was pretty funny. Some dubious rhyming slang was dusted off. The prospect of laptop scoring was discussed. It was decided that modern technology would certainly enliven scoring as you could view some Frankie Vaughan while sticking in the numbers. Lessons were learned about packing. Clarky will not leave his bat at home again. Gum will be purchased. Towels will be remembered. Fudge will also buy gum and will not walk out to bat again this year with odd pads and shoes.

That’s not to say that with better packing we would have beaten Banstead. Credit is due to them for a thoroughly professional performance which suggested they’d been practicing. Their bowlers found rhythm early on and attacked the right areas. They caught one or two very good catches. Their umpire was in excellent form for the LBW shouts too – he too was immaculately prepared right down to the manicure on his giving finger. The sun was out, the wind was light, there was a crowd of almost 50 people watching, the facilities were excellent for the time of year (although the David Gowers were not particularly appealing) and it was definitely cricket.

Congratulations to Golby for a typically obdurate batting performance in making 50. The other bats will not have such a poor day again this season and the Wick will not be village again. MOM Golby.