Wickman Calls for New Ashes Venue

It's never usually a good idea to watch the Perth test. Wickman can't remember the last time he tuned into one. He tried to tune into the 2006 test but left it until day 4 by which time it was all over and everyone had packed up and gone home.

Given that the first hour of every session (in fact in many cases the first OVER of each test) of this series has been so vitally important, what idiot decided to schedule an Ashes test in Perth of all places? It's bad enough having to wait until midnight our time to kick off a test on Australia's Eastern seaboard. But coverage won't start until 2am UK time for next week's test and the day's play probably won't get underway until 3am or something hideous.

Now there will be some workshy fops down at the Wick who will be saying "what's not to like Wickman my old buddy, my old chum?" because they will be planning to "get up really early" at about 8am and watch a bit of the final session in their fluffy slippers with Mumsy handing them tea and toast etc.

For the rest of us faced with commuting tasks there will be no joy to be had. Time your morning routine wrong and you'll be having breakfast during the tea break and spending the final session on the 07somethingorother to Waterloo or 300 feet underground in a reeking tube carriage quitely fuming as some Antipodean rams his backpack into your goolies on his way to take a pefectly good bar job somewhere.

By the time you've got into the office, ogled the work experience girl, made a coffee, had your morning constitutional and got to your desk, the whole thing will be over and you will be reduced to watching the ball by balls from India vs Bangladesh or whatever other third rate contest is going on during God's own series.

There's still time to move this test to Peru or Paraguay in a bold move reminiscent of Qatar's bid to host the 2022 Footer World Cup, both of which are four hours behind GMT. This would be perfect allowing for almost a whole evening's booze-filled contemplation of the cricket in a suitable drinking hole in London. Cricket travellers bored of Australia, The West Indies and Cape Town would be rewarded with a new venue to tick off and there would probably be unrestricted access to class A drugs at ridiculous prices. The Aussies would be slightly inconvenienced, granted, as this would make it slightly more difficult for them. But it's not the middle of winter in Australia obviously. Get up at 5.30am or 6.00am and they'd see the majority of a day's play which would be a better compromise.