Ashes Preview... Rope a Dope or Dopes on the Ropes?

Rope a Dope is one of the most renowned sporting cons ever perpetuated in front of a global audience. On October 30th 1974 in Kinshasa, Zaire, Muhammad Ali challenged George Foreman for the heavyweight boxing title of the World. Called The Rumble in the Jungle, it is one of the greatest fights ever because the extraordinary hype and build up that preceded it was for once delivered on in style.

Ali lay against the ropes, conning Foreman into thinking he’d lost the plot and encouraged Foreman to batter him until Foreman became tired. Ali then went on the offensive having seemingly taken a terrible beating, surprising his opponent and the whole world into the bargain. He finished the fight in the 8th round and became champion again.

Before Shane Warne bowled “that ball” to Mike Gatting, there was a story doing the rounds that Warne and the Aussies had roped the England dopes that summer. Warne bowled some innocuous old rubbish around the counties before the series began. Matthew Fleming of Kent dispatched him at Canterbury and declared him a bit average or nothing special or some such. But late on that evening when Fleming was back in the hutch reading Playboy and drinking a couple of G&Ts Warney, who had been hiding his prodigious talent, apparently let rip and if anyone had been paying any attention by then, maybe Gatt might have had some forewarning.

Which is a long preamble to Wickman’s first pre-Ashes effort in 2010. And it’s to pose the question what the Devil is going on in Australia right now?

As Wickman writes, despite English players breaking each other’s ribs in practice, Cooky trying his damnedest to look like a broken man, and Swanny taking his wickets at about 25 instead of single figures etc etc it seems that for once England might have a genuine hope of competing in a Test series in Australia.

Because the Aussies are looking hapless. In fact the entire cricketing nation of Australia looks hopeless today. When in living memory did England ever touch down on Aussie soil, give a couple of amusing media interviews, bowl provincial sides out for under 250 (twice almost in the case of WA), no one score any runs against us and all the bats start scoring 50s?

Normally at the beginning of an Aussie tour batsmen who will never even get a sniff of the baggy green rack up giant personal scores against us – flint eyed and concrete hearted men who average more than 50 in first class cricket but haven’t even had a text from Andrew Hilditch and his chums. Then some bowlers we’ve never heard of scatter our bats and break our digits. McGrath and Warne, feet up somewhere in Wigga Wigga or Ayers Bush or Bondi Bridge, take time out from sipping on a daiquiri to pronounce that they will win 5-0 and whichever chump is Captaining England will be McGrath’s “bunny”.

This time? Yes McGrath has talked about a 5-0 score again. But he’s been out in the Aussie sun too much recently and never was much of a pundit. Warney is even starring in a promo for Sky’s coverage in which he’s allowed himself to be shown dreaming that England win.

Reeky Punting has even taken to warning us – in some kind of attempt at per siko logical warfare – that the Brisbane pitch is a bit of a one. There was a recent Shield game in which one side bowled the other out twice for less than 150 to make the point. So a bit of confusion has been sown. But he's been doing it while making those involuntary swallowing motions that make Wickman so confident that he could take him at Poker. At the same time Michael Clarke’s getting it in the knackers from the Aussie media because he’s lost the dressing room. Marcus North (not even sure of his place in the 11) is having to play down chat about becoming the next Aussie skipper. Mr Cricket is looking as if, if he doesn’t get a big score quickly, he might be team scorer by the time we get to Melbourne.

You could be forgiven for thinking that we are about to romp this. So let’s just pause for thought. Is this real? Are people really resorting to the line that Australia are traditionally strong in Australia as the only factor bolstering their Ashes challenge???

Wickman doesn’t believe it’s possible that Tim Neilsen has managed to arrange for Australian cricket to lull the England side into a false sense of preparedness by throwing one and a half games (so far), disappearing into internal captaincy rancour, openly attacking selection (and sacking Merv Hughes AS a selector), getting the press involved so that they slag off all the players and call for some untried (at Test level) hopefuls to come into the side before it’s too late. Oh and to talk up Doug Bollinger (really!) as the great injured hope who can turn things around.

But then he “remembers” (he was six years old – watch the amazing film “When We Were Kings” dir. Leon Gast if you were too young too) The Rumble in the Jungle and Muhammad Ali. Is this one big con on a massive scale? Are we being built up so that come the first day at Brisbane when Punter wins the toss and then grinds us into the dust everyone can enjoy Poms even more embarrassed?

Wickman can’t wait to find out…