Tour Diary - Monday - It's Scooby Time

Monday People begin arriving at The Wick. It seems a new member, Jack Daniels, is to tour with us introduced by Raptor. Raptor, it is agreed, will be lively. Alison, Timmy E and 6 Pack, all experienced tourists, are late for the first meeting of the Tour. Knowing looks are exchanged. In a touching ceremony, Retired hands out the tour shirts to those present. To protect the innocent and shelter the guilty, from now only tour names will be used. Except for those who have failed to commit to the tour in time to get a shirt. 6 Pack is lucky in this regard. Lodger has brought a Scooby Doo suit with him. It is Wickman’s birthday and as the laughter swells he realises he’s going to be wearing it at some point. Oh dear… Lead by Lash, the tour convoy sets off. 6 Pack is unfit to drive owing to the consumption of too many six packs of Magners the day before. Oh dear. It’s not yet 10.30 and Lively’s fines notebook is filling up like the Thames at Tewkesbury. The M3 is attained with ATS and Retired already lost. Despite living in Southampton for 17 years, Retired is later unable to locate the Hotel despite it being in the High Street, right next to the Bar, part of the old City walls which is probably Southampton’s premier monument. Oh dear… As the lead car reaches Alton – approximately half way to Southampton – the clouds are so low that when the rain comes it falls upwards. And there really is some rain. This is the wet stuff too, not your namby pamby London rain. This is the sort of stuff that could wash the logos off your cricket gear. There’s nothing for it but to find a bar and call the opposition. The opposition, Hamble Aerostructures, are so close to the sea that when they call the emergency services the Coastguard is the quickest to get there. With the rain coming in off the Atlantic it’s no surprise to hear that you could sail a yacht up the middle of the track. Game one is called off. So at 11.30 am the first whip purchased (and therefore official) lager is consumed and tour is underway. Wickman is dressed as Scooby Doo. The evil genius of the plan is revealed as taxis arrive and the afternoon is spent at a Megabowl. 100s of children have their day ruined by seeing what looks like a large Scooby Doo but is actually a 39 year old with costume Camel Toe issues. The truly ridiculous sight of a big yellow dog bowling is only bettered by the realisation that Wickman actually records the highest score of all the tourists to win the bowling. Scooooobydobeeeeeedooooooooo!

At some point round about now Norris, youngest on tour, does his 35th chore for Retired and the Wick flag is controversially turned into a sarong. Retired reminds Tim that he looks like him, although Tim is actually now more accomplished in the pie consumption arena than Retired ever was... It is rumoured that Chef spoke his first words at this point when he and Raptor paid good English money to electrocute themselves. Barry complained about his nickname for the 27th time.

A fines committee is convened despite the lack of cricket. Nothing evades Lively's attention. Timmy E is lucky to escape prat of the day after having tripped himself up in what looked for a moment like a catastrophic accident by bowling a bowling ball into his own back leg. A night on Southampton’s tiles reveals that no one else is on the tiles in Southampton on Monday. Eventually a nightclub that is cheesier than a warehouse full of Stilton is located that will allow a group of men in tour shirts in. It turns out to be Gay night. Pinot is licked by a male admirer – which is nice. Raptor uses the opportunity to rehearse a complicated gymnastics routine using the club’s pole dancing stage. Unfortunately during a particularly spectacular dismount he fly kicks a local female (one of the few there) in the head. The night ends with a rendition of Amore down the phone to late-to-tour Basil at 2.30am and a fine team cover of “You’ve lost that loving feeling” that Alison claims to hear from her bed 300 yards away. There is some debate about which of the sharing individuals Raptor or 6 Pack is in most in need of a lie down. Lively…