Selection Committee - A New Play

*All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.*

Dramatis Personae:
Wick Skipper (No actual Wick skipper, obviously)
Wickman aka Chairman of Forgetting to Register Overseas Players and Selectors (not THE Wickman, obviously)

Act One: A mobile phone is ringing. It plays the BBC's TMS theme tune (naturally).
Wickman: Hello Wickman?
WS: No it's Wick Skipper
Wickman: I didn't think it was Wickman, I am Wickman.
WS: Ahu. (The face).
Wickman: Yes, yes, yes. What do you want?
WS: Good news Wickman, a mate of a mate is friends with an international cricketer who is available to play for us this weekend.
Wickman: Erm. Brilliant. Who is it? Don't tell me it's Mohammad Amir or Salman Butt or anyone like that?
WS: No it's someone else. Like them, but this is a fictitious cricketer who has been banned from all cricket, not a real one. None of our characters in this bear any relation to real people.
Wickman: Oh good. But he has been banned from all international cricket, yes?
WS: All cricket full stop that's under the jurisdiction of the ICC
Wickman: Ah. Like the cricket that we play at our fictitious club?
WS: Perfect
Wickman: Ahu
WS: (The face)
Pause... Wickman: Sorry?
WS: I made The Face.
Wickman: Okay
WS: So shall we play him then? We'd probably win.
Wickman: Oh yes. Fantastic idea. What are our options? Is he overseas?
WS: Well tehnically he wasn't out of the country in the qualifying period because he was busy in court. And he's doing a couple of NVQs in groundsmanship at Kingsto... erm... Made Up University... to pass the 4 years 8 months he's got left on his ban
Wickman: Okay so he's student visa. Bishty bosh. Perfect. No problem there. But don't we have to tell them he's first class?
WS: He's not. He's been sacked by Pakist... I mean the fictitious country he played for and naturally none of the counties will touch him with a shitty stick.
Wickman: Perfect. So he's qualified. What does he think about playing?
WS: Hee hee hee. I told him it was a private game at a private ground.
Wickman: Genius! Lively! Good Turkish!
WS: I thought you'd like it.
Wickman: Shall we get him to pretend he's one of the lapsed members and sneak him in that way?
WS: Standard
Wickman: Actually let's get him to pretend he's Shaun Whin... someone who played for our fictitious team last year
WS: Acutally Wickman I guess a few of the lads will have seen him playing fictitious test cricket
Wickman: Good point. He should play under his own name. There are plenty of people who play cricket who share that name. We'll pretend he is called that, but he's not the cricketer who's actually called that. And then when people ask why he's called that, looks like the person who is called that and has an identical bowling action to the person that's called that, we'll say he just looks like him and models his game on him.
WS: This is GENIUS Cla... Wickman

Saturday... 1.31pm

Umpire: Left arm over
Oppo Opener: *takes guard, looks up* Fcuk me that looks like a fictitious Test Player! Slips: Correct, he looks like him but it's not him *sniggers all round*
Oppo Opener: (as ball flies past nose at 93mph)Fcukmethatwasquick! And it really looks like Fictitious Test Player!
Oppo Skipper: I'm ringing the league and the Daily Star
Wickman: NO. NO. NO. NO. NO
WS: Busted...
Chairman Mao (or some other fictitious chairman): Wickman... that's another fine mess you've got us into...