Village Performance by Wick 2s

Banstead CC 2xi vs HWRCC 2xi
HWRCC won toss and batted
HWRCC 120 (Au 50+) Banstead 122-1

Walsh, Singh, Fudge*, Golborn, Clark+, Kennedy (JFK), Taylorson, Parkes, Junaid, Powell, Lown

Banstead. Five whole leagues above us. A club reeking with monies. Not one but two pavilions. Pavillion One an ancient beast totally beautiful with tiled roof. Drop down dead gorgeous viewed from square on across the pitch. Pav two where bar is more of a jury rigged pre-fab. A bright green oasis thingy in gruesomely grim suburban North Surrey. A cart track entry road that winds round rural fields. And then a cricket club worth visiting. A gem. Clarky happy.

The weather was set fair after a week of on off rain. Clarky happy. The deck was a new word – chewy. Brown in a bad way. Green in a bad way. The outfield was like glass… but glass that has been washed and tumbled on the beach. Smooth. Smooth but very sloowwwwwww.

Skipper Fudge decided to bat first on winning the toss, reasoning that we would grind out a competitive total over sixty or so overs of attritional cricket. How wrong he was. Moments after an encouraging fielding practice the entire game unravelled as last week’s oppo cancellation caused deep rifts.

Firstly Clarky had failed to pack the wand. Clarky unhappy. A slight hangover left him unable to distinguish between bat handles. He had only a cut down fielding training bat to play with. Like Harry Potter bereft he would be unable to create magic. Clarky had also omitted to pack a towel which similarly destroyed his ability to remain focused. In a final nod to poor planning he had failed to pack gum. This was not good. Clarky beside himself.

Similarly underprepared, Fudgey had only packed one pad. A lie in after free Coronas the night before had also left him short of preparation time meaning that he only had one boot ready for action. Walshy was reminded by Clarky that Duck Tax applied and was almost immediately undone by one that kept low in partnership with an umpire who was keen to assist Banstead’s start. £5 poorer and so briefly at the crease that Fudgey was forced into action attired like a Colt from a poor family Walsh was advised to seek £2.50 from Clarky and £2.50 from the umpire. Questions were asked of Fudgey by Banstead’s fielders keen to understand this sartorial nonchalance. Shortly afterwards he popped one that stuck in the pitch to midwicket. This saved Banstead’s close fielders from having to think up any more gags.

When Nathan walked across his stumps and lost his leg stick for not very many the Wick looked extremely village at 12-3. The deck was not blameless but those assembled had seen much worse not that far from Kingston Bridge. A couple of rusty shots which had not been worked out of the system the previous week following Old Stiff’s cancellation were largely responsible. Auborn and Clarky tried to rebuild and edged along for half an hour before Clarky middled one with his pad and was adjudged adjacent.

Duncan and Auborn then scored the majority of the Wick’s runs in a fifty or so partnership that was shared evenly between them. Duncan looked at ease despite a long lay off from willow-wielding. Goldy looked… well… like Goldy. Front foot defence – check. Late cut – check. Slap back over the bowler’s head – check. Fifty runs – check. Without his innings the Wick would have looked less like a Village side and more like a small rural settlement without a church. Hamlet.

When Duncan perished in the 20s, Taylorson briefly flourished attracting action from those on the boundary considering their fantasy line ups. Nick Parkes, on debut for the twos, scrapped valiantly. Junaid tried obdurate defence. Both were unpicked by a strike bowler who had been held back from the early skirmish when the Wick was busy self-destructing. Lownsy managed to preserve his average of infinity while others fell about him. 120 was at least 60 short of being defendable. A really rather poor display all in all.

Your food critic is inclined to treat teas more favourably this year. It is not inconceivable that an 8.5 or even 9 could be awarded in 2008 under the right circumstances. This, however, was not going to achieve those lofty heights. A plate of exotic biscuits ensured that it should be taken seriously. As did moist cake and buttered malt loaf. However, like a medium pacer unable to get seam or swing, in the sanwiches there was little variation.

Top marks can only really be attained by those seeking innovation in bread products coupled with biscuit arrays and cakage. It’s just not good enough to go for thin white sliced in every sandwich. Have they not heard of ciabattas, pittas, wholemeal, baps, bloomers etc? Harsh maybe, but that trinity must be observed. 7 is still a good mark, and probably excellent this early in the season, but it signals room for improvement. There was some amusing theatre as an opposition lad who would tip the scales at 18 stone or more started to strip the rice paper off the base of macaroon or similar. It looked to your correspondent to be too late for such half measures. Only stomach stapling or a wired jaw would have made any real difference.

The Wick’s performance in the field was a great improvement on the batting effort. With only 120 runs to play with we managed to keep a fairly relaxed Banstead out there for in excess of 30 overs with a fairly inexperienced attack. Powell looked good value once he had changed ends and dealt with a few issues with his run up. Lown was miserly but perhaps lacked penetration on a day when the ball didn’t zip around in the air. Junaid took the only wicket of the day, removing a debutant wicketkeeper who looked to have been sent in in an attempt to assess ability and temperament. On this showing he will perhaps not open the batting again...

The other opener was a classier bat than is provided for by Fullers opposition and he progressed to a sedate fifty and probably made sixty or more in the end without giving a cut and dried chance. He looked best when on-driving but was compact and unflashy. Utilitarian if you like. The fella who eschewed chewing the rice paper earlier clagged an aggressive thirty or so mostly hitting across the line. Early in his innings he offered two half chances as these shots went awry but once he found his range his natural muscularity allowed him to punish anything at all short. He hit a heavy ball...

Nick Parkes looked surprisingly composed with the ball given the savagery of the batting. He will take wickets this season. Duncan was treated harshly but does just enough with the ball that when tracks harden out with sunshine he will be a tricky proposition. Here the deck was just too slow. Taylorson was on the spot but was brought into the fray too late to affect the outcome. Walsh tossed up a couple at the death, but the corpse of the game had been pronounced earlier in the ambulance so there was little chance he would be able to revive the Wick’s fortunes.

Generally in the field the boys looked sharpish. There were positives to be taken from the run out for Powelly and Lownsy who needed the overs under their belts. Clarky picked up some practice taking grubbers standing up to the stumps. Fudgey hit the sticks from cover to hone in that lazer close fielding. Some new Austrian cellar related banter was essayed in the changing rooms. It was pretty funny. Some dubious rhyming slang was dusted off. The prospect of laptop scoring was discussed. It was decided that modern technology would certainly enliven scoring as you could view some Frankie Vaughan while sticking in the numbers. Lessons were learned about packing. Clarky will not leave his bat at home again. Gum will be purchased. Towels will be remembered. Fudge will also buy gum and will not walk out to bat again this year with odd pads and shoes.

That’s not to say that with better packing we would have beaten Banstead. Credit is due to them for a thoroughly professional performance which suggested they’d been practicing. Their bowlers found rhythm early on and attacked the right areas. They caught one or two very good catches. Their umpire was in excellent form for the LBW shouts too – he too was immaculately prepared right down to the manicure on his giving finger. The sun was out, the wind was light, there was a crowd of almost 50 people watching, the facilities were excellent for the time of year (although the David Gowers were not particularly appealing) and it was definitely cricket.

Congratulations to Golby for a typically obdurate batting performance in making 50. The other bats will not have such a poor day again this season and the Wick will not be village again. MOM Golby.