Wicket Keeper's Union

Those of us with Matrix skills have enjoyed the debut and 2nd Test of young Tim Ambrose. Not only has he thrashed a quickish ton against the Kiwis to go with a 50 in the first test, he's actually clung on to a couple of chances too! Wonders will never cease.

Typically pundits are calling him the best gloveman since Bob Taylor/Alan Knott/O J Simpson (neatly forgetting Jack Russell) and the finest English 'keeper in bat wieldingness since Alec Stewart. Many predict he his here to stay for many a moon etc etc. Someone (Athers or Gower) even said that his stature (he's diminuitive) means he is the same size as Tendulkar, Lara and Bradman so he's got advantages there too.

Wickman could hardly believe his rheumy old eyes. What a load of old Tosh! Good luck Tim. You will need it mate. With pundits like this on your side you will go from Tendultkar to Chris Martin and from Russell to Trescothick (he kept atrociously in one dayers for a while) in seconds!

A couple of things. Matt Prior bashed a ton against the Windies in his first test and didn't drop anything for days after his debut. Now he can't get a game for The Wick never mind England. He wasn't even on the A tour Wickman thinks.

Tim's ton was much needed and deserving of the MOM tag. However it was hardly watertight and the innings of a batting prodigy. Let's say he played and missed a bit... Secondly he grassed a chance and missed a stumping on Day 4 leading to much humming and a bit of hawwing in the Sky Commentary box. Tutting was heard. Two out of three commentators suggested he should have taken both.

Let's see shall we? The catch was a thick edge, deflected downwards that would not have carried to first slip. Timmy was standing up to the stumps. Not a hope. No reaction time so he would have needed to have his gloves outside the line of the ball to a ball that was going away from him. He would need to be Inspector Gadget. Keanu Reaves wouldn't have laid a finger on it.

The stumping was a bit easier. Technically the commentators were suggesting he came up too early. Now admittedly Wickman was watching the replays with his head in the recline position after a couple of glasses of Malbec but this chance seemed to squirt through an invisible gap (rather than beating the bat on the outside which is the "regulation" type of chance) and kept almost grubberishly low. It was just unfortunate. If he had taken it cleanly and whipped 'em off it would have been a really good effort which any keeper around the world would have purred over.

So good luck mate. A tip though. Not on keeping or batting of course. Wickman's not so presumptuous. No. It's the name. Change it to something strong and masculine like Wickman. Since the days of the fist pumping washing powder endorsing prince of SW19 Wickman just can't get behind anyone called Tim...