2nd Test ball by ball

1937: Wickman spots Sports Relief does the Apprentice starts at 9.00pm. 1938: Wickman decides the only thing that would have amused him about watching the cricket this evening would have been us losing the toss and New Zealand batting. It's car crash time surely.

Make me drool please Peter

Wickman was already sick before he decided to turn in with England 30-4 in their second innings against the mighty Kiwis on Saturday night at 2315. During the night Wickman slid into his own personal hell of stomach cramps and nausea. But the shit was truly hitting the fan in Hamilton. The Brit Journopack had all predicted a clean sweep for England down under and someone was going to have to pay...

John Buchanan, former Australian coach and reader of obscure treatise on war, was largely dismissed in the media by his players. Perhaps it was Warne, perhaps it was McGrath, but people in that camp would intimate that they were too good to be coached and that Buck was just there to "put out the cones".

Bob Woolmer (RIP - how did we never get him as coach?) was, media stories alleged, over-ruled and mistreated by the hierarchy of the Pakistan team. Balooooo was not going to be told what to do. Dinky Dunky Fletch didn't really deliver in his final Ashes campaign or World Cup and managed to get his retaliation in first against Freddie and his acolytes in double quick time.

Talented sportsmen don't need coaches is the modern mantra. So you have to blame England then for the batting collapses and bowling surrenders of the last 18 months and in particular for the Alan Bysmal 110 on the last day in Hamilton. That Harmison can't get the ball down the other end any quicker than Paul Collingwood is not the fault of the England management. That we scored so appallingly slowly in Adelaide and in Sri Lanka and then again in the first innings in Hamilton is not the fault of our Zimbabwean batting coach. It must be down to the players...

Back in the 1990s when England was a byword for catastrophe in cricket, there was a team chaplain, Wingers-Diggers (Andrew Wingfield Digby). What a laugh riot. You've just got out and a man of the cloth comes across and puts the consoling arm of the Lord around you to help out. Please God, make my next innings a match winner. Bwahahahahahaha.

Maybe, just maybe, Shane Warne was such a talent that he didn't need coaching. Maybe, just maybe, Inzi was too good to be coached. The Australian team might even be good enough to downgrade the support that they need to various technical coaches.

But there is no way that ANY England player currently in New Zealand can claim to be one of the game's greats. So what will Peter Moores do? This the worst England display this "correspondent" can recall for more than a decade. It's spineless, whingeing craven stuff. The ex-players in the scorebox are almost suicidal. Your average armchair fan can't stay awake for more than a couple of overs.

Mr Moores. Most of your team look scared. The batsmen look tortured, afraid to play their games in case they get out. Harmison is shot. There's a man that has fallen out of love with playing cricket for England. He's a decent man they say. Wickman could have told you a long time ago that he doesn't have, on his own, the temperament for it. Wickman has read interviews with him where he has essentially said that his talent comes with no fortitude. He doesn't like bowling quickly. He doesn't want to utilise the inherent threat of being able to connect leather with flesh and bone to his and to England's advantage. He's not ruthless. Can anyone really imagine him, Marshallesque, threatening to come round the wicket to kill David Boon? More likely he'd bowl a few half volleys to get Boon to a ton.

Pietersen has stopped playing Bertie Big Bollocks cricket. He seems to Wickman to have lost all the arsehole qualities that made him so special in 2005. He seems to have tightened up his game to point where he has become, whisper it, ORTHODOX. Michael Vaughan? He's a God on Earth but he's not getting big scores. Andrew Strauss... Ian Bell is not getting big scores.

So this is where the coach earns his money surely. The fielding drills are working Mr M - you have turned Alastair Cook into Jonty Rhodes. But where are the cojones? Where's the belief? Where's the trust in teammates? Where is the sheer talent in this team? Spunk. Performance... call it what you will.

Somehow Peter Moores has to put some self belief back into this team, into the individuals or, frankly, sack them and find someone else to do the jobs that they are paid to do with the joy and enthusiasm that we should be seeing out there.

Currently the drool on quarter of a million chins round the UK is because 250000 punters are falling asleep on the nation's sofas. Wickman was drooling at 4am Sunday morning because he was in that state that we only reach when shallow breathing and a clenched ringpiece are the only things that will stop other effluvia flowing. We should be drooling over sublime bowling figures and big tons. It should be pleasureable. Please.

How funny is this?

Andrew Symonds is now legendary. And we thought Harbhajan was in trouble. Wickman may have got the wrong end of the stick but it looks as if Symmo (Brummie Turncoat) could go down for five tests, 10 one day internationals or LIFE. Makes calling him a monkey (or using a word in another language that sounds like Monkey) look like small fry. Basically its a minimum of six months off. He can hardly duck this one. Looks like it was one hell of a punch. Must be gutting to have lost the one day series too. Wickman read somewhere that the trophy will never be played for again. Which means India get to keep it. Revenge. Best served cold. Adam Gilwho...

Wickman's ball by ball - 1st Test - Hamilton

Yeeeessss. Good evening everyone. It's a freezing cold evening here in Wick Road. The sun is trying to shine out from the box in the corner of the room. The Sky coverage kicks off with some ridiculous operatic music, atmospheric pictures that could have been nicked from Lord of the Rings. Its straight over to the Silver Fox. So far so good. No sign of Bob Willis thank the Lord.

appx 2100. The toss. Tails never fails... unfortunately Mickey V calls heads. He gives good interview but largely Wickman's taking out the message that the deck is a belter. Rather sweetly, Wickman notices that Vaughny's Mum (it must be, surely) has written the initials MPV under the number on his sunhat - probably in unwashable ink in case someone in the dressing room tries to pinch his kit.

2105. First view of David Lloyd and Nasser Hussain since Sri Lanka. Lloyd has been at the dodgy tie cupboard. Nasser looks as though he's been at the hair dye - and whisper it - his hair seems to be making a remarkable surge forwards down his spam. It might just be that he's combing it forward. Either that or he's got a black pen and drawn some on. David Lloyd may well have been at the taninabottle.

2107. Lloyd and Hussain tuck into some well pitched up deliveries from Gower. They stroke Strauss' career through the covers. They turn Bell off their legs for a single to fine leg. Hussain says our boys aren't able to put on 415 for the first wicket. Finally Lloyd heaps the pressure on Ambrose. Gower says "It's a different game, Test Match Cricket". Wickman agrees. Its not the same as Lacrosse, Rugby, Cluedo... and into an ad break...

2116. Willis. Snore. He looks more gaunt than ever. Like Skeletor from He-Man. Wickman was once taking a train into Waterloo. Willizzzzzz got on at somewhere like Raynes Park with a MILF. He was wearing a leather jacket. No word of a lie. He then chewed the MILF's face off. It didn't look like they were married. None of Wickman's business, but if you are a famous sportsman or woman, would you, should you chew the face off anything on public transport? Should you BE on public transport.

2117. Disaster. Mrs Wickman pronounces herself disatisfied that cricket is on during primetime with New Zealand 0-0 from 0.3. Shameless has started on C4. Sky + to the rescue...

Much later

Its lunch. NZ have made 86 for the loss of one wicket. Bell has a lump the size of one of Wickman's lost golf balls on the side of his wrist. Nazzzzzzzer is droning on like a wasp that has smoked weed and sat in the sun for too long. What has happened to Sky's commentary team? Christ. Sir Ian Boretham. Dour (D Ower get it...). Willizzzzzzzzzzzz. And David Lloyd. How many Lancastrians must hate that comedy knob. Wickman cannot believe that the guy used to be England coach. Or maybe (we flippin murdered em) he can.

Match later + 5 mins

How does Ben Dirs do this shit?

Social Nights March, April, May

The first Wick social of the year is this month on Saturday 29th March beginning at 1930hrs. Yes it's Poker Night. A relatively quiet affair at which AJ trousered the pot last year, this year its time to put your poker face on, get practicing on Facebook and work out how to avoid looking like Ricky Ponting plumb in front and waiting for the finger when your bluff is called.

Poker will, of course, be the focus of the evening. Your entry fee of £20 will buy you a donation to club funds, food*, beer^ and contribution to the prize pot. Places will be available at a series of tables, the eventual winners at which will join the "Wick Table of Champions" or other such title when we've thought it up to duel for the main prize of the night.

This in no way cliched image will give you no idea whatsoever how the evening is set to pan out.

Your social committee would like you to reserve a number of other dates to be entertained and entertaining.

Hibby and the Eskimos will make a triumphant return to The Wick on Saturday April 12th from 1930hrs. Although none of you will have need of a girlfriend once the season starts, there will be real, live, outsiders at this evening as the H&TheEs fanbase (Ethel and Mavis Scoggins of Surbiton) will be invited. Only kidding btw they are legendary... This promises to be a massive night in Wick history so start warming up your vocal cords and current girlfriend to attend this. There is likely to be dancing of the modern variety at this evening too. Ticket prices will be in the region of £5 to go to the club as a donation by the Eskimos for the club providing rehearsal space.

We will have our first First League Game Party (inc Barbecue - fill your boots) on May 10th. This is to welcome new members to the club and to celebrate the fact that we will have put out three league teams that day! Entertainments etc will be communicated at a later date but you can bet your bottom dollar, Euro or £ that it will include Karaoke, cocktails (bring those girlfriends picked up on April 12th and any that you have managed to hold onto into May).

Wickman is so excited, that he just can't hide it, he's about to lose control and he thinks that, on balance, he just might like it...

Awwww Diddums

Those touchy Indians have got very upset again. Ishant Sharma, the thinnest man in world cricket since Bruce Reid, has been fined 15 per cent of his match fee for giving Andrew Symonds the send off in their latest one day encounter. So far, so good.

As we all know there's nothing worse than having it pointed out which way the pavillion is. There are very few times our colleagues are pleased to see us come back to the hutch. The 9 or more pair of eyes burning into you accusing you of throwing it all away are like laser beams guiding you back to the humiliation of dressing room. So having some skinny long haired freak giving you the send off is not helpful. Also he's saying that he has well and truly shafted you and its a bit off frankly.

But the Indians have lost the plot. Complaining because the bigger boys called you nasty names and you were the ones that got caught? Come onnnnnnnnnn. Win the sodding VB Series. Let the cricket do the talking. Let's face it, last time I looked England were the holders so it can't be that difficult, surely?

Fitness

The new season is fast approaching. Experienced members will tell you that the Abdominiser 2000 is a critical tool in the war on excess baggage. Wickman he prefers to bowl himself into shape in the Fred Trueman way. The good thing is that this method seems to allow you to smoke while you train. It was a different era back then...

Sledging?

In view of the ICC's landmark attempt to ban sledging, Wickman reviews some of the finest ever sledges and worries about the judgements...

1. Rod Marsh & Ian Botham: When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: "So how's your wife & my kids?" Botham is supposed to have replied along the lines that the Missus was fine but the kids weren't normal.

There's loads of potential here. Marsh would be fine but was Botham, in these times of political correctness, bringing the game into disrepute with mental health charities and disability rights groups? Wickman fine rating: 2 match ban and Botham forced to recount the story in another fourteen autobiographies which all say much the same thing but have a pop at a couple of new Australians each time a new version is released.

2. Daryl Cullinan & Shane Warne: As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had been waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him. "Looks like you spent it eating," Cullinan retorted.

Hmmm. That's definitely "weightist". Just because Shane does not eschew pies (in fact he chews a lot of them) doesn't mean he should be a target ripe for victimization! Wickman can see complaints a plenty from the fat lobby in the UK. Wickman sledging rating: 1 match ban for Cullinan and a contract for Warne with Weightwatchers to add to his other 99 endorsements. Weigh in sessions reduce his Hampshire 2008 appearances to one Sunday game. Hampshire call this "pound for pould, good value".

3. Glenn McGrath and Eddo Brandes. McGrath was bowling to the Zimbabwe number 11 - who was unable to get his bat anywhere near the ball. McGrath, frustrated that Brandes was still at the crease, wandered up during one particular over and inquired: "Why are you so fat?" Quick as a flash, Brandes replied: "Because every time I "make love to your wife", she gives me a biscuit."

Wickman says: "This is clearly very funny, but I doubt Brandes used the words "make love to". A stern ticking off here for fowl language and there's every opportunity for a successful libel action from Mrs M. Should have the Zimbabwe cricket union quaking - although if they lost the case there's no longer enough money in Zim to pay the bill. Wickman sledging rating: 3 match ban reduced on appeal to written apology which is then framed on Aus dressing room wall

4. Merv Hughes & Viv Richards: During a test match in the West Indies, Hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries. "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me? In my culture we just bowl." Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman: "In my culture we just say **** off."

This whole conversation was raci*t. Wickman sledging rating: They all look the same to me. Send them home, its the only language they understand

5. Ian Healy and Arjuna Ranatunga. Ian Healy's legendary comment which was picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney... "You don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, ****!!!

Wickman sledging rating: Ian Healy to be fined half his latest commentary fee for retrospective hypocrisy

6. James Ormond and Mark Waugh. James Ormond had just come out to bat on an Ashes tour and was greeted by Mark Waugh. MW: "**** me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here, there's no way you're good enough to play for England" JO: "Maybe not, but at least I’m the best player in my family"

On appeal Australia prove that James Ormond does have a younger sister, 12 years old at the time, who once took 10 wickets in a innings playing minor counties. Wickman sledging rating: Ormond banned for three tests which is one more than he actually played.

7. McGrath to Ramnaresh Sarwan: Glenn McGrath was watching Sarwan and Lara patting each other on the back so he said to Sarwan, "So what does Brian Lara's **** taste like?" Sarwan: "I don't know. Ask your wife."

Once again Mrs McGrath is infuriated by a slur on her character and sues all concerned. Not having made a penny out of the Brandes case (he offered to settle in chickens but Aus customs wouldn't let them in) this time she goes for Sarwan's career earnigns. Which is $14USD. Wickman sledging rating: McGrath gets off by claiming he said "kok" which is an obscure aborginal word for rice pilaf - apparently according to McGrath's attorney - Lara is noted for the preparation of this dish.

8. Ranatunga and Healy. Yet another Australian witticism with this time Sri Lankan batsman Arjuna Ranatunga the victim. Shane Warne, trying to tempt the batsman out of his crease mused what it took to get the plump character to get out of his crease and drive. Wicketkeeper Ian Healy piped up, "Put a Mars Bar on a good length. That should do it."

Po-faced executives at the obesity inducing corporation of the same name threaten to sue for brand defamation. Wickman sledging rating: After a massive cave in by the ICC, the sweet manufacturers are offered Ishant Sharma, the thinnest man in International Cricket to advertsie their wares free of charge. Someone in the corporation's press office offers Heals a lifetime supply for bringing the brand to global attention. An extension to the Channel 9 commentary box in Sydney is ordered...

9. Malcolm Marshall and David Boon. Malcolm Marshall was bowling to David Boon who had played and missed a couple of times. Marshall: "Now David, Are you going to get out now or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?"

Ricky Ponting hears this comment from square leg in a game 10000 miles away in Sydney twenty years later and reports it to the third umpire. The Australians are up in arms. Wickman sledging rating: The West Indians are not powerful enough in world cricket so they are hung out to dry. Steve Bucknor is blamed as Malcolm Marshall has died in the intervening period. Bucknor is forced to umpire IPL games in India during 2008.

Merv Hughes and umpire Harold Bird. Merv asks Dickie how man balls he has bowled that particular over. Merv: How many is that? Dickie Bird: 3 Merv: 3 gone or 3 to come? Dickie: 3 gone, 4 to come as I am going to no ball you for being a ****************

Bird gets enough material here to write a 27th book. Wickman sledging rating: Cricket lovers are condemned to read the book. Village Fete book stall owners up and down the country are forced to try to sell the resulting 250 page shocker for four consecutive years before admitting defeat and burning it, melting the ice caps

ICC tries to end sledging - Great!!!

For keen followers of international cricket cock-ups the announcement that the ICC is going to end sledging is fantastic news. Following the Oval and Harbhajan cheating and racism scandals Wickman was worried that we might be going to run out of opportunities for mayhem.

When someone says they are going to stamp something out in sport, the only way you are going to do that is by legislating it out of the game or creating a sufficient in game punishment that cannot be appealed afterwards. Look at rugby - back chat to the ref? 10 yards. Do it in the wrong part of the field and you have an almost guaranteed scoring opp for the oppo.

The ICC is going to use law 2.8 to drive sledging out of the game.

ICC Code of conduct - law 2.8 Using language that is obscene, offensive or of a seriously insulting nature to another player, umpire, referee, team official or spectator.(It is acknowledged that there will be verbal exchanges between players in the course of play. Rather than seeking to eliminate these exchanges entirely, umpires will look to lay charges when this falls below an acceptable standard. In this instance, language will be interpreted to include gestures)

This is perfect! You could drive a horse and cart through this regulation and not touch the sides! What's an acceptable standard? Who will decide? PERFECT! This now means that we can have legal battles and appeals after every single incident. What umpire is going to be brave enough to haul someone up first? What will in be for? Which of the famous sledges would result in a fine or caution or something?

Wickman reckons the immortal "Come on boys, he can't get a hundred every week" is going to be okay, but what about "sniff that?" Wickman can't wait...

Kiwi crunch match

Wickman notices that he has been copied in on Crossbats business in his googlemail account. Here the current one day series is debated and our English Crossbat colleagues declare that its not over until Kiri Te Kanawa sings. Now Wickman is a bit of a body fascist (unlike Wickman Jr) but even he thinks Dame K has aged well and far from piling on the lbs she seems to be almost a GILF. Work it out.

What's interesting about this one day series is the slightly hysterical reporting that has see-sawed around since we touched down on the bottom of the world (it's even got a crack between its two halves) that is New Zealand.

After a couple of easy wins in the bash and giggle stuff (its less fashionable to call it this now that there is so much money being poured into the global game) you could be forgiven for reading your daily newspaper and mistaking the copy for the words "easy, easy, easy". No Shane Bond, the articles opined, no Kiwi victory.

Well lets look at that for a moment shall we? Our one day side is hardly packed with world beating talent, never mind Kiwi crushing stuff. Kevin Pietersen hasn't done much with the willow in the one day game for quite some time. The legendary innings in South Africa in front of his baying ex-countrymen are a thing of fond memory.

We're now picking Alastair Cook as a one-day opener. And Ian Bell is one of our most experienced one day players. One newspaper Wickman read was reappraising Paul Collingwood yesterday because there's no one else to write about. No one can quite believe that Dimi cantspellit is playing and then they can't believe he's being left out. What's going on?

It's only because New Zealand is a team full of Whohes? that we aren't being taken to the cleaners, having our pants pulled down and being forced to stand there and wait while they are dry cleaned in front of us.

McCullum looks like one of the most exciting bats in the world. Full stop. Oram scares Wickman and he can't understand why he wasn't cast in all three Lord of the Rings movies given that they were filmed on his front doorstep. He must have been on tour. But really? Their non-entities cancel out our non-entities.

So tonight is a bit of a crunch match. We need to see whether there's a bright future for our youngsters (some of our team are quite young. Not Tendulkar young, but young.) And that's about it. Is Wickman staying up to watch it? Not likely. But he will be checking his inbox to see who's doing the gloating tomorrow...

Balls back on track

News from the Crane ball factory confirms that, in an exciting development for cricketers everywhere (if not for the stationery manager) craftsman Crane is now adding a seam to all balls. Looks... lively.

Recruitment - volunteers needed

Wickman doesn't know about you, but he reckons it might be time for some fresh blood around the club. Everyone who has joined recently has been mined for useful information / sisters / attractive exes. Jimmy C is Sunday captain. Lloydy is 3s skipper.

And, like it or not Clarky, we need some new keepers now that Godfrey Evans lookalike Gareth has gone to Switzerland. So the time has come to stand outside stations in Surrey asking "do you play cricket?" before thrusting leaflets into to the hands of punters.

Last year this rather inexact method produced Kamran (leading runscorer and wicket taker in the club), Wrighty (50s for 2s and 3s) and a host of others. We need to do it again, because despite recruiting 15 new members, there were a couple of dodgy moments in July and August where, were the 3s in the league, there was a danger of us having to field Wickman's 94 year old Grandmother.

So the first thing is that we need to have some volunteers to man the Hampton Wick and Kingston train stations for 90 minutes on Thursday before nets. Can you email Wickman and let him know whether you can do? Wickman will email you the poster (created by Gareth again - its genius) and you can get on with. Wickman and Wickmutt are also planning a bit of door to door action in Hampton Wick over the coming weeks so if you have a spare hour...

However - and this is a big however - the BEST way to get people down the Wick is to encourage your friends and acquaintances to share the love. This is simple. You call them on the phone, email them or even poke them on facebook and say "listen, why aren't you playing at The Wick? We have nets at the Oval on Tuesdays if you are interested and in Kingston on Thursdays. Some of the guys are quite good fun really... etc etc".

Our target is to get 15 new people in again. Remember, if you introduce three friends you get your subs for free...