Tour Report - by Selvesy

"Edmonds finds a crack early on, but is reportedly retired drunk later"

Touring X: Davies. Cronin. O'Mahoney. Tong, G. Tong, I. Fahad. Edmonds. Selves. Charlton. Mo Bal.(Denly, Joe Saturday only).

Saturday 17th September Hampton Wick Touring X vs the Bars of Canterbury and Faversham.

Sunday 18th September Hampton Wick Touring X vs The Phoenix Tavern CC

Hampton Wick Touring X won by 71 runs.

HWRCC: 260 for 5 from 36
Ian Tong (Ting) 50* retired
Bonny 45
Cronin 41
Matty D 37*
Tongy 31
Fahad 12
Charlton 4* (reverse sweep)
Selves 1 (gloved at that!)

The Phoenix Tavern CC 189 all out from 33
Mohit 2-45
Charlton 2-32
Bonny 2-20
Tongy 2-26
Selvesy 1-3
Cronin direct hit run out (got spanked bowling)
Edmonds spanked.
Fahad too quick.

As a fantastic season for the WICK came to a close a few of the lads jumped in their cars and headed down to Kent for a last swing and chuck. With Saturday’s game falling through Matty D filled the void with a tour of the Shepherd Neame brewery in Faversham. Chedwood had spent the trip down drinking a slab of fizzy lager in the back of Matt Cronin's car and found the forty minute tour without booze, yet talking about nothing but booze, quite hard to deal with.

Fahad, however, was loving the history of how the English mix together lots of good healthy things and turn them into muddy water that induces more love from some men than most show to their wives. The tasting session and drinks after got the boys back in the flow and Fahad debated the relative merits of Coke and Pepsi while Chedwood ordered a lager at the bar in the oldest bitter brew house in the UK.

A quick sprucing up and the allocation of accommodation then off to Canterbury to look at the cathedral. In Canterbury there where a few firsts: Chedwood got served without ID and paid for a whole round by themselves (the boys are growing up so fast); Mo ordered so much Sambuca that they had to serve the fourth round of shots in ten minutes in sherry glasses; for five minutes the Wick had an international batsman on tour with them, Joe Denly, but he bottled it when Mo went back to the bar for the fifth round of bucas; Fahad went to a night club (the term night club is used as loosely as the term tour for a one match trip to Kent). Much hilarity took place in said establishment, including the wonders of Ian Tong (Read Ting) as a magnet for any lady in Kent and Chedwood announcing they love Canterbury while Selvesy and Matty D turn to each other and ask if they are getting too old for this shi....

Back in Faversham the decision to put Chedwood next to a bathroom paid off as they both brought up their kebabs in spectacular style (Ed needs a new sleeping bag). In the morning there was some percussive rugby watching and then we remembered why we were there.

Selvesy won toss and chose to bat. Deciding there was a chance for some runs Fahad (the only one sober at the time) and Selvesy opened up on a track that was as green as Chedwood after a night of Sambuca and vomming. Fahad blazed to 12 before missing one. Selvesy missed everything except the one that he gloved down the leg side for 1 before missing a straight one. Selvesy's father looked on wondering what his son actually did at those expensive boarding schools and where it all went wrong.

Cronin and Tongy G steadied the drunken ship, although with some interesting shots at times from Tongy, and a few dropped catches later had the WICK at 61 for 2 off 17. At this point it should be said that each incoming bat was told the shot they had to play off the first ball they faced and Tongy’s leg glance off one pitching outside off was a giggle. Then when Tongy got skittled (Fahad has the video footage from the umpire spot, link to you tube coming soon) Bonny went in needing a reverse sweep off the first ball. He survived, just.

Once the opening bowlers quotas were up Bonny and Cronin went on to punish the change bowlers. Cronin fell in the 40s and Ting strode out with his first shot to be a leave. The opposition had by now twigged what was going on and had realised that someone would be told to leave his first ball at some point. However with the openers done they lacked someone who could hit the stumps to order and Ting was safe fielding arms as the bowler ran up to the stumps. After his sighter Ting then gave it a good whack. The score went up like Mo's bar tab and the WICK were soon on 120 for 3 from 22 and Bonny was now having to bat while Selvesy, umpiring, was telling him with sign language what shot to play as the bowler ran in (stick cricket with real people). This time the reverse sweep was quality but Bonny eventually went for 45.

Out came Matty D as the bowler said, "the problem is every wicket we take the batting gets better". He then bowled a good ball and Matty D played a solid block. Matty D wasn't playing the “this is your first your shot” games like those pesky kids. Ting hit 50 and took a bow and out went Charlton, the one who puts the wood in Chedwood. First shot instructions: reverse sweep slog. Charlton will struggle to play a better shot ever again. It nearly went for six and the opposition was starting to dread what would happen when Mo and Charles got in. But the heavens opened and the WICK declared for an early tea on 260 for 5 from 36. Which is a shame, as Mo does like to Mohit. Although Charles was happy as he still looked as green as the wicket.

The rain did not last and the boys took to the wet pitch with a bar of soap that had swelled nicely over tea. Charlton and Mo (who likes to Mohit Mohit, sung to the tune of, I like to move it move it. Matty D comedy genius) opened up and both hit the sticks in their first over. Charlton picked up another with a one handed catch from Edmonds and Selves senior came to the crease.

All catching had to be one handed and the way Charles took a regulation sitter with one hand suggests a change of technique could be of benefit for the WICK'S most loveable chain smoker. Selvesy was not planning on bowling but when Charlton pulled up with a Sambuca related injury Selvesy, standing at mid off, was the closest to fill in. A couple of overs later, having trapped his old man lbw (so plumb the umpire, employed by Selves senior, had to give it) Selvesy took himself off for Edmonds with The Phoenix on 65 for 4 from 10 (45 of those from their gun bat).

Edmonds paid the price for his hangover and perhaps he should have tweaked the ball a bit more like the rather attractive lady's derrière outside of the kebab house that morning. Indeed the dexterity with which Charles held and ate a kebab in one hand whilst working his magic with the other shows great promise with the ball with a bit more practice. That said so could the derriere tweaking, after a few goes the young lady made it clear that enough was enough. Meanwhile Mo plugged away at the other end (we are back on the cricket now) and picked up another clean bowled.

The Phoenix were 75 for 5 and along with the opening bat who was close to 50 their number seven was settling in and as it would have been a shame to take Fahad all that way without a bowl he had a go with a ball that now look like a soap on a rope after a tough day in the wormwood scrub showers. Three slips, gully, fly slip and point, Mo drying the ball at midd off and Bonny, having given the gloves to Cronin, pacing the leg side warming up his bowling arm. Fahad bowled so well with the soap but was perhaps a bit too good (and quick) to find the edge. Charlton had another go at the other end and the Phoenix dug, edged and pulled their way to 128 for 5 from 26. With the Phoenixes gun bat in the 80s it needed something special and Bonny replaced Charlton. First ball gun bat caught and bowled. Half tracker would be unfair but their bat did well to hit it before it bounced again. But Bonny got a taste for it and finding a line just outside off picked up another with a great catch, one handed of course, at deep cover by Charlton.

Tongy replaced Fahad and gave us all a glimpse of the off spin he plans to bowl in his late thirties and Mo took a great, you guessed it, one handed catch at midd off. By now Cronin had had a go keeping and gave the gloves to Mo so Cronin could have a bowl. However before he could get on he picked up a drive at midd off and with a direct hit ran out the non striker. Cronin then came on for Bonny and perhaps wished he didn't. Luckily for him though Tongy wrapped things up at the other end next over but not before Mo had let one bye through, and with each bye resulting in a round of Sambuca Mo was also a happy man when the stumps got hit. The Phoenix all out for 189 from 33.

Other than perhaps the 2 run win in the 3s top of the table clash this year it was one of the best WICK games this writer has played in, genuine fun on all sides. Plans are in place for a three or four day tour to Kent again next season with games of varying standard but certainly taking on the Phoenix again. WICK.