Match Report - Shepperton vs 1xi - by Rowan Atkinson

Shepperton 213-9 (52 Overs)
Wick 214-3 (30+ overs) Stallone 80, Atkinson 53
Wick 1s wick Shepperton 1s by 7 wkts.

Scorecard... you'll need it... Without googling, which two of these films was not filmed at the famous Shepperton Film Studios?

a. Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
b. Ghandhi
c. The Guns of Navaronne
d. Shakespeare in Love

If Saturday was a film, this is how it would go:

Shepperton have gone well thus far, but we have good memories from last year, and are in great form, so were confident. Rowan Atkinson won the toss for the first time this season and was delighted to invite Shepperton to bat on an extremely flat track. Sylvester Stallone felt it might turn a bit but Atkinson wasn’t so sure. Either way we knew 10 wickets would be a tough ask, even with our bowling attack.

Jonny Depp, his brother The Fonz on debut and Vin Diesel turned up at 1320. Apparently they had left at 11am and the traffic was ‘bad’. Yeah no sh*t, Atkinson wasn’t happy, and The Kung Fu Panda was fuming, but these things happen. The start was all a bit of a rush, but Stallone and Diesel made an excellent start with the new ball – both finding admirable control on a pitch that wasn’t offering anything. The new ball was used well, and both were soon finding the edges, with Atkinson and Depp failing to hold onto chances. On the plus side, Stallone did hold one at 2nd slip for Diesel, who also sneaked one through the defences. Stallone himself then brilliantly cleaned up the aggressive #3 and at 50-3 we were going well. Depp replaced Diesel although by now nothing much was happening and batting was getting easier.

The Fonz had a go and was joined at the other end by Tom Cruise who set the field back to see if he could induce a false stroke. He did, caught on the boundary, much to the surprise of the catcher – Matt Damon. The ball before he had fumbled around like a teenage Keith (Justin Timberlake) having seen his first boobie, and it had gone between his legs much to his embarrassment. The Fonz also got one to nibble to Macourlay Culkin behind the sticks. His girlfriend (Sandra Bullock) was most impressed when he turned up with his mum (Jennifer Coolidge) to cheer the boys on.

5 down and more changes were needed – the track was still easy-peasy to bat on. In fact it seemed to be getting easier. Panda had a go, as did James Brown, whose reverse swing seemed to tie down the late order well. Hard work in the field for the boys, with the ever vocal and enthusiastic Taylor Lautner keeping the boys going. A few lusty blows from Shepperton at the end saw them to a below par but admirable 213-9 from the full allocation of 52. Wickets were shared around so no-one really stood out with the ball. Perhaps Diesel was the pick.

Teas – well... controversially I'm going to give them a 9. Not only was there variety and volume, you had napkins and the option of cordial drink as well as Tea – something often forgotten by many-a-tea creator. A great mix of staples and home made fare. Also, I do enjoy a good old fashioned tea lady (as opposed to Brian Blessed that we have) and for that they score very highly. Unfortunately Atkinson wasn’t able to eat much due to nerves.

Said nerves were however soon lost upon the start of the Wick innings. Stallone, surviving a chance 2nd ball, soon got into things. The tactic of the old ball wasn’t working. Especially as said ball was soon lost over cow and a new (but not new) ball was needed. Atkinson wasn’t far behind and when the new ball did come both were seeing it like a Pair of DDs and were in no mood to see off the shine. The partnership was over 130 off less than 20 overs before Stallone clipped one to midwicket for 80. Diesel joined in – the atmosphere being one of Sunday resignation. Robert De Nero behind the sticks got involved and nailed Diesel and Atkinson soon followed having brought up his 50. It was then left to the classy Panda and Culkin to see us home off 32 overs without any fuss. Bullock seemed very impressed. Special thanks again to Eliza Cuthbert whose pretty patterns in the scorebook continue to make a mockery of Chedwards attempts on Sundays.

And thats a wrap.

Oh – the answer is d.