The Peril of Uncovered Pitches

What the oppo skipper saw when he chose to bat... (A green pudding... keep up... Ed)

Wick 4xi vs Thames Ditton - Scorecard

Thames Ditton 37 - Linter 4-8

HWRCC 40-0 - Clark 31*

Winning the toss and batting first on a drying Kingsfield is a recipe for disaster. And so the Thames Ditton skipper discovered on Saturday as, after 72 hours of rain, he won the toss and decided to commit hari kiri (sorry bat) against a tasty Wick 4xi bowling line up of King, Linter, Lown, McMullen (J), Rob Swaine and Curtis S Tigers.

If the wicket had been sodden and he was hoping to take advantage of a wet ball and nail us later as the track dried we'd have applauded him. As it was we simply marvelled. There could be no worse time to bat on a drying wicket that was legal... But barely. This is what commentators are talking about when they remember uncovered wickets.

And his compatriots were mown down on it like so many honest Tommies on the Somme. The ball reared from a length. When it wasn't scuttling from short of a length. It popped and hissed. It seamed like a lively pair of Armani denims. Great chunks and divots were gouged out as the ball pitched. Behind the stumps we opined that we were pleased to be 30+ yards away from the ball. And we thought that 100 might be difficult to chase with conditions as they were and the outfield of a municipal length.

The beneficiaries of TD's largesse were Olly and Skiplinter. In 14 overs they destroyed TD reducing them to six down with hardly a run on the board and no sense of where one might come from. Caught they were. And bowled. Sometimes they were caught and bowled. Jonny McMullen took a stunning catch at fourth slip over his head stretching. Clarky took one behind the sticks over his gut stretching. Kurt picked one off his toes at square leg. Splints took another. It was mayhem.

The bowling was rotated for variety. Jonny bowled some big induckers and should have had a plumb lbw decision but was horribly denied. Lownsy reprised his Malinga variations to great effect - in one over perfectly zipping three balls across a right handed before curling one back to splatter the off stump through the gate. Kurt Leight - like Kirk Laight in all but name - removed the final two bats with left armers up the hill. Rob Swaine re-debuted and managed to bowl a few very tidy overs without breaking his thumb.

The Wick were jolly in the field and apart from the putting down two sitters so sitterish that you would expect them to be caught by Jeremy Beadle with his good arm tied behind his back (when he was alive, obv) it was blemish free with Tim McMullen belieingly agile, Olly King sharp in the gully and two Dom's - Lown and Jones - unsingleable in the covers. Lloydy and Clarky discussed rumours of multi-generational libidinous Swedes. Did we concede a boundary? Perhaps we did - edged to third man. And perhaps one that was driven.

They made 37. It was not time for tea. So we didn't have it. When we did it was the same as always. 7.

When we batted Clarky was sent in to shepherd Dominic Jones in his debut adult innings. A number of things happened. First it became clear that Jones had been corrupted by his elders who had convinced him to run hard and push Clark for threes in the warm May sunshine. Second Jones is a far more competent bat than his stature may have led Clark to believe and he proceeded to outbat if not outscore Clark - who was determined to knock the runs off as quickly as possible to get to the aforementioned tea. Not before Jones had leant on an off drive with all the nonchalance that Clark manages when he leans on a bar (considerable) and carved a square cut (just behind) that was wasted on a 4xi game.

The chase was up in 7.1 overs without loss and there is little more to be said. Clark bashed it around and was hit a couple of times in the gut by ones that spat making him think it was not a good deck to bat on and reflect that were his gut full of tea (see earlier) perhaps the blow would have been further cushioned. Jones - half his height and a tenth of his girth - ignored these tribulations and batted beautifully. Promising debut. Excellent spell from King who was nearly unplayable. Four wickets for Skipper Linter who hardly put a foot wrong. MOM? You can't give one. There wasn't enough match. Well - maybe the oppo skipper. He had a scratch side out and might have spared them a difficult afternoon in the field by batting first. Enough said. Actually - give it to ours. He did everything well - even down to apologising to the guys who were TFCed.