Wickman discovers Cricinfo gem

"I thought Stephen Outerbridge was unlucky as he didn't play at the ball when the umpire gave him out caught behind. I also thought my lbw was a little suspect, but that's no excuse."

What sounds remarkably like excuses from Bermuda captain Irving Romaine after his side's 43-run loss to Uganda. Bermuda receive millions of dollars of funding each year while Uganda have to launch appeals for equipment

Oh dear, poor Stephen Outerbridge. Here he is getting out have not played at the ball. That would make up for the times he didn't get out middling it. What goes around, comes around for cheats.

Latvian Police...

Record number of old Bores join 2008 committee

Only kidding. Clarky's on it. It must be fun.

There have been a few changes to the committee in preparation for possibly the most exciting season of Wick cricket ever. Since the 2s got promoted. And the 1s were champions...

Sadly AJ has relinquished the Fixtures Sec job after, it is reported, the 1s travelled to Mars only to find it uninhabited with no strips prepared (the picture shows Matti's car parked where the SATNav said the pavillion would be). The journey took only marginally less time than a round trip to Barnet with MS at the wheel, or so I am told. Lownsy has stepped manfully into the breach and has also now been promoted to Social Secretary Second Class (Order of the Corona) to work alongside Hibby who continues to demonstrate his legendary delegation skills.

With the thirds entering the Fullers League next season, James Lloyd has been elected 3s skipper. We wish him the best of luck in building on the enthusiasm of last year's friendly foray into league opposition territory.

Jimmy C, self styled as Wickman Jr, has taken perhaps the most difficult job in the club in becoming Sunday Skipper for 2008. Rumour has it he bounced a 12 year old last year so we're expecting competitive cricket there and more difficulty than ever for the 2009 Fixtures Secretary in securing games.

Alan Carter has agreed to be Crossbats liaison for 2008 which will be a brilliant move. Coley is doin a bit too. Cransey (or Poacher turned gamekeeper) has agreed to take on the bar. Keith thinks this means he'll be running it, but Wickman fears that he actually meant he was going to drink it dry over the close season...

Matti D and Fudgey remain as 1s and 2s skippers, Keith is Chair and Treasurer, Clarky is Secretary and Bobby is still "Il Presidente de la Republica de la Wick". Julian as ever quietly goes about the business of league repping.

Joking aside last year Herculanean efforts were put in to Year 3 of the revitalisation of the club. Many good things were acheived. A real sense of purpose and achievement so Wickman salutes everyone who gave so much unheralded time and dedication to making the club a success via the committee.

Getting wick with... Krusty the Lown

1 Nickname(s): Lownsey, Krusty, Clowns, slinga, malinga, mr treasurer, trainee level 6
2 Highest Score for HWRCC: 11 Sunday XI v's Hampton Hill 2006, only faced 2 balls this season so no chance to improve
3 Best Bowling for HWRCC: 5 for 42 for 2nd XI vs Lingfield away 2/06/2007
4 Favourite Away Ground: Hambledon
5 Favourite Food: Salt Beef bagels
6 Favourite Singer/Band: Green Day
7 Favourite Movie: Layercake
8 Favourite Book: Roger's Profanisaurus
9 Favourite Pub/Club: Halo, Leeds
10 Favourite Crisps: Space Invaders beef flavour
11 Favourite DBW Sandwich: Egg Mayo. it is the Heston Blumenthal of egg sandwiches. such dedication each week
12 Favourite Quote: Del's explaining why he has had his tonsils out on the trip down to Southampton Tour 2007. Can't really repeat here...!
13 Childhood Sports Hero: Gary Lineker
14 Best Wick Moment: Catch against Thames Ditton off Fudgey's bowling or Clarky's innings against Hampton last game of season (great catch, great innings - Ed)
15 Worst Wick Moment: Not beating Long Ditton 3rd last game of season when we needed 1 wicket to win the league
16 Invite 3 People to Dinner (Dead or Alive) Gordon Ramsey, Tara Reid, Martin Johnson

Uda Walawwe Mahim Bandaralage Chanaka Asanka Welegedara

Crazy name, crazy guy. Not likely to make his test debut, which is a shame.

England Tour Starts Off Okay Shocker

Whisper it quietly, but what is going on in Sri Lanka right now? An England tour has started without the usual criticisms of the schedule, spate of career limiting injuries and heavy defeats to provincial sides. Although, it must be remembered, oppo openers (it was Phil Jacques last Winter) have done a certain amount of feasting on our new ball bowlers.

But after the mauling handed out in the 500+ run glut last week, something bizarre happened here. England ressurrected a tour match which looked at best precarious. Like Jesus bringing Lazarus back from the dead, Hoggy, whom it is not permitted to write about without using the words "trencherman", "stooped" and "trudge", reached down, touched the corpse of this game and brought it back to life with five for twenty five.

Cook - who was made for sub continent batting on the basis that you have to simply grind your way to a decent score - then scored more runs, Pietersen decided to ruin the Cook theory with a nice quick thrash including customary reverse sweep and Shah and Prior smeared the rest of the runs in an indecent haste to give us a five wicket win. Well blow Wickman down.

Of course this doesn't mean that Murali isn't going to destroy us at the weekend, but it's quite comforting. Sri Lanka will, as they have done for the last 10 years, try to bat first and make enough runs so that they can allow Murali to bowl 80+ overs in the game to bowl England out twice. The boys will spend hour after hour trying to get outside the line of off stump to him and score runs at the other end. Run rates will be at best "attritional". We'll try to take all the tests into a fifth day. Hoggy will bowl spells where every other ball is slower or an off cutter. Cook will get all the runs. The media will have a field day talking about Tsunami victims when the show moves to Galle.

And you know what? It will all be absolutely perfect because Test cricket is what its all about. Wickman cannot wait for 5am Saturday morning. Eyes propped open with matchsticks, Mrs W and the Wickettes tucked up in bed, coffee and the old bacon sandwich fella in hand. It's the proper thing.

Aussies set new standard 2

And while we are on the subject of crap Australian trophies, what's this obsession with naming them? Why do Aussies have to have something to play for?

Here we have a Mickey Mouse two test series between them and the Sri Lankans. For the Warne - Murali trophy. Play the Indians and its Border - Gavaskar. The Kiwis? Chappell - Hadlee. Then there's the Frank Worrell Trophy - between them and the Windies. That was set up in the 1960s at least.

So what next? They could have the Kepler Wessells trophy for tests between them and the Jaapies? Would make it nice and easy after all as he played for both teams.

They could inaugurate the Hair - Inzi Trophy for Pak games... or maybe not

2003 showed they have nothing against Mugabe when it comes to winning trophies so that's the Zim one sorted.

Your suggestions here please for Bangladesh...

Aussies set new standard

No, this is not a post about how well Jacques has done in replacing Mr Kung Fu, nor is about Mr Cricket's improbable average.

It's about how they have managed to make the ugliest trophy in world cricket. Scrub that, world sport, full stop.

It reminds Wickman of various horror films he has seen. Hands here are reaching through a seemingly solid wall and grasping the cojones of someone unsuspecting.

A nightmare indeed.

God's own garden

In Basel, Switzerland, it is as cold as a nuns nasty, and I have only a wood burner in the corner of the room to stop my more vital personal organs becoming frostbitten and snapping off.

The hills surrounding the city are sunk beneath a metre of snow, and the whistling wind makes going outside as enjoyable as watching re-runs of the 5th day of the 2006 Adelaide Ashes test.

I don't know what it's like back in Blighty but i bet it's not as good as this - Golden Wick summer of 2006 anyone?

Friday Beers in town pre-Fullers League Dinner UPDATED

Are now here because an Anon has been ASBOed out of the Firestation. See you there.

AGM - Tuesday November 20th

HAMPTON WICK ROYAL CRICKET CLUB
Bushy Park, Park Road, Hampton Wick, Kingston-upon-Thames, Surrey
Telephone 020-8977 2378

06 November 2007

TO: ALL MEMBERS

NOTICE OF ANNUAL GENERAL MEETING

An Annual General Meeting will be held on Tuesday 20th November 2007 in the pavilion at 8 p.m.

AGENDA

1. Apologies for absence.
2. To elect Officers of the Club for the 2008 season.
3. To elect Team Captains for the 2008 season.
4. To elect the Club Committee.
5. To approve the accounts for the year ending 30th march 2007.
6. To set subscriptions and match fees for the 2008 season.
7. Any Other Business.
8. Closure.

Nick Clark
Hon. Secretary

Friday Beers in town pre-Fullers League Dinner

Looking forward to Friday's celebration of the 2s promotion (aka The Fullers League Dinner)? If you are waged and working in London we'll be meeting at The Firestation for a drink or two. Wickman will be there from 5pm. We'll need to get the 18.32 to Esher from Waterloo so we don't miss the soup. See you there...

AGM - Tuesday November 20th

The Annual General Meeting will be held at the Wick at 7.45pm on November 20th.

Elections will be held for key club positions and we will review plans for next year if Clarky can get of his arse and get them done.

We'll also review the finances which are likely to show that we aren't drinking enough, talk about exciting things like new nets and then those of you with the stomach / wallet for it will be heading off for a curry. It's magical nights like that which make the Wick what it is today. Please let me know if you intend to attend the AGM and specifically if you are coming out for a Ruby afterwards. RSVP to Wickman1863@gmail.com

Getting wick with... Chairman Nips

1 Nickname(s): Nipples, Chief Basil, Justin Timberlake??
2 Highest Score for HWRCC: 85 v Willingham
3 Best Bowling for HWRCC: 7- 50 odd v Ashford
4 Favourite Away Ground: Finchampstead
5 Favourite Food: Chinese Duck
6 Favourite Singer/Band: The Who, Neil Young, Sinatra, Tracey Chapman REM, Mariza
7 Favourite Movie: Pulp Fiction, Shawshank Redemption, Volver, The lives of Others, The Killing Fields
8 Favourite Book: Star of The Sea (Joseph O’Connor) The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini), Snow (Orhan Pamuk) Homage to Catalonia (George Orwell)
9 Favourite Pub/Club: Adelaide (Teddington) Chequers (Steyning, Sussex) White Horse (Shere)
10 Favourite Crisps: Cheese & Onion
11 Favourite DBW Sandwich: Egg Mayo & Onion
12 Favourite Quote: Marriage is an institution but who wants to live in an institution (Groucho Marx)
13 Childhood Sports Hero: John Snow (Sussex & England bowler now newsreader)
14 Best Wick Moment: Being elected Chairman of the club
15 Worst Wick Moment: Being elected Chairman of the club .Dropping 4 catches in a 3rd X! match. The rest of the team reckoned it was 5 and it cost me a jug
16 Invite 3 People to Dinner (Dead or Alive) Fidel Castro, Stephen Fry, Marilyn Monro and, if I had a fourth, Hibby

Beach Cricket sends Wickman to sleep

During the last Ashes Tour (Wickman thinks) there was a beach cricket tournament held in Oz. Think “Masters Football” and apply to cricket on a beach. Old gits with pot bellies looking unathletic and destroying your memories of how good they were.

Wickman saw the Windies, Oz and England last night late. He had Skyplussed it from a few weeks ago thinking “this will do me fine one evening after the missus has gone to bed. Beach cricket sounds like a good lark”.

How wrong Wickman was.

They roll a big plastic matting wicket out to play on. The boundaries are small. Run ups are minimal. Everyone without exception tries to get their front leg out of the way and smash the ball into the sea. All right, Wickman can hear you say, so far, so good! What’s wrong with that?

The concept, gentlemen, is like a genius version of club day. Boundaries aplenty and no respite for the bowlers.

However, the idiots have ruined it by miking up just about everyone.

And here’s the big question for you. Name one English speaking Test match or one day cricketer who has left cricket and gone on to have a successful career in stand-up comedy. Struggling? Me too. So some commentators (and not a top line up, not even Bob The Yawn Willis) are up in the box and they spend the whole time trying to encourage lively banter with those in the middle.

We discover, gentle reader, that Australian legends Dennis Lillee and AB couldn’t even write jokes for crackers. Damien Fleming – well he’s at least lively. Mark Waugh might be a laugh if he had a couple of lagers down him. Goochie? With that squeaky voice? Goughy? All right I suppose…

And when did you EVER see a great West Indian player even give a post match interview? Have you ever heard Curtley Ambrose speak? Wickman thought not. Dire television. Absolutely abominable. Wickman actually went to bed earlyish to escape it.

Nope this is a disaster of massive proportions designed to keep ex test players who don’t have lucrative media careers doin a bit in the Australian summer. Shun it, gentlemen, shun it. Although it does give Wickman an idea for club day…

Getting Wick with... Matt "Golby not Goldie" Golborn

1 Nickname(s): Goldie (Golby - it's got to be... Ed.)
2 Highest Score for HWRCC: 114 vs one of those North London teams in the Middx league
3 Best Bowling for HWRCC: 5-25 vs Village Greenies
4 Favourite Away Ground: Teddington Town
5 Favourite Food: Lasagne
6 Favourite Singer/Band: Neil Young
7 Favourite Movie: Godfather
8 Favourite Book: The Sun Also Rises - Ernest Hemingway
9 Favourite Pub/Club: The Orange Tree, Richmond
10 Favourite Crisps: Salt and Balsamic vinegar Kettle Chips
11 Favourite DBW Sandwich: The tuna and the cheese ones, sandwiched together with some onions and cucumber
12 Favourite Quote: Anything from Snatch, Godfather or Napoleon Dynamite. Churchill said some good things as well!
13 Childhood Sports Hero: Gary Lineker
14 Best Wick Moment: Hitting 70 odd on 1s debut to help chase down some massive score
15 Worst Wick Moment: Retiring drunk at the "home" of cricket, Hambledon. a real low. (Plus getting stumped on camera by a rather fat looking Clarky hee hee hee... Ed)
16 Invite 3 People to Dinner (Dead or Alive) I cant count... Neil Young, John Frusciante, Seth Morrison, Ricky Gervais, Al Pacino

Another book review

Wickman likes a book from time to time. And not just the Joy of Sex or the Kama Sutra. And he’s not counting his specially bound copies of er ahem Playboy either. No, Wickman will, from time to time, take to the Airport bookshop and buy good old fashioned books.

Given that Wickman quite likes cricket he is often given cricket books too. From the obvious (three copies of Summers Will Never Be the Same ), through the obvious at Christmas (Steve Waugh autobiography, Michael Atherton autobiography) through to cricket “comedy”.

A couple of them are really good. Anything about Botham is genius because he did such incredible things. Anything about anyone who still has a career (legendary series excepted) is rubbish.

Cricket “comedy” books are nearly always dodgy. Even the good ones. Let’s face it, how many times can you describe the “characters” in the game before rigor mortis sets in? Recently Wickman was leant a copy of Rain Men which was a case in point.

Rain Men, if you haven’t attempted it, is a humorous (sic) book about the history of a team called Captain Scott. It was set up by some enthusiastic but crap cricketers at Oxford. Some of these people (like Marcus Berkmann – who is the author) have gone on to become reasonably famous as writers, sages and satirists amongst others.

Berkmann attempts to get us to share in what they set out to do. They weren’t particularly good at cricket, but they wanted to create a unique team which would play at villages around the South of England without taking it too seriously. He tells us what it is like to travel long distances to games. He tells us what it is like to lose lots of friendlies. He tells us that girlfriends and wives are a hindrance to cricket. He tells us what its like to have a bad average, no idea how to get runs and describes the politics of captaining mixed ability teams.

He tries to make it funny. But it’s not. So what if someone is tight and never buys a round? So what if someone is a statto? So what if someone always gets lost on the way? It’s not enough. Cricket books, to be funny, have to really draw you in to the team. You have to care about the people, the results and have some suspense to want to turn the page. Above all, as we are part of a great club, the funny things that happen to their team have to be funnier than the funny things that happen to our team. At worst the author has to write amusingly so that even if his stories are crap, we at least laugh at his style.

Berkmann’s Rain Men is a dull book. Don’t be fooled by the drool on the cover from reviewers. It’s really dull. Wickman started it three months ago and it’s not quite finished and mostly used for preventing tea rings from forming on Wickman’s bedside table.

Okay, you are saying, Wickman’s lost it. I’ve read that book and I liked it. You have offended me etc. Well, Wickman has cast iron proof that it’s crud now. It comes in the form of a book by Harry Thompson called Penguins Stopped Play.

Entirely un-coincidentally it’s a book about exactly the same cricket team from Thompson’s perspective. It charts many of the same games, people and events (before Berkmann and Thompson largely separated with one becoming Saturday skipper and other Sunday, one wanting the cricket to get better, the other wanting to find ever more tedious ways of losing and having japes). It also describes a series of tours undertaken by the Saturday side culminating in an attempt to play cricket on 5 continents in one tour.

This is a disaster for Berkmann. It’s like Matthew discovering that Mark, Luke and John are all writing about the life of the same carpenter fella and then realising that they’ve done a better job. (Before anyone writes in Wickman knows they didn’t all live at the same time, and no, Wickman hasn’t read all four versions and decided which one is best).

It’s beautifully written and laugh out loud funny where Berkmann is pedestrian. Really funny things happen to them and Thompson has a way with words which Berkmann can only dream of. Wickman purchased it at 6pm on Monday and had finished it by 1.30am on Tuesday have guffawed, chortled, snotted down his front, weed a bit in his pants, laughed uproariously on a very quiet plane down to London from Edinburgh disturbing other passengers who thought he was a nutter about to leap up and open the doors at 30,000 feet and 600mph and generally wept in amusement. Dear oh dear it’s good.

Thompson, of course, was one of the creators and writing talents behind Have I Got News For You. He probably wrote loads of stuff for Private Eye too. He came up with Buzzcocks. It’s Wickman’s type of humour granted. His obituary explains his many talents. And his death is one more reason why his book is even better than Berkmann’s. Because you realise on the last page, as his wife describes his death from cancer, and his funeral, that he has made you care enough about the people in his fantastically funny book, and his description of them, to shed a tear and privately wonder whether the team can be the same without him there to describe it. Berkmann? Can’t even remember a single anecdote.

So along with Fletcher’s crummy book, shun Berkmann. Buy Thompson. Wickman says it must be so.

Man Bites Dog - or why you shouldn't buy Fletcher's new book

When Wickman is at work he and his colleagues face a constant battle. This battle is to make the people who pay their wages understand what “Man Bites Dog” is all about.

If you see a headline in a newspaper that says “Dog Bites Man” you immediately think “so what?” Dogs bite men the whole time. Wickman thinks “I shan’t waste my time reading the rest of THAT article, clearly some silly arse has got himself bitten”.

“Man Bites Dog” is much more interesting. Why the heck would a man have bitten the Dog? Was it revenge? What did the Dog do? Was the Dog cooked? (Actually it probably wouldn’t raise an eyebrow in Korea).

The point is, it’s unusual. Wickman and his colleagues at work spend much time thinking about how to create this “F*ck me” factor for clients (as in “F*ck me, I had never thought of that”).

It stands to reason. If you can get people interested in your story, you are much more likely to retain their interest for your brand.

Which is why Big Dunky Fletch’s “revelations” about Freddie liking a pint or two and occasionally being pissed around the team during the Ashes series leaves Wickman cold. “Dog Bites Man”. Everyone knows Freddie’s a pisshead. He was notably absolutely Freddied in front of the nation, played Cricket in the garden of Number 10 (no doubt building stumps from Euan Blair’s empty tinnies) and later he might have even tried to slip one to the Queen had he not been married to the most beautiful professional cricketer’s wife ever.

So what does this say about Fletcher?

Firstly if that’s the best he can come up with to publicise his latest book he’s written something very dull. It shows poor judgement as a man to dish the dirt on your captain or your team in writing. As a leader, if it all goes wrong you take the blame, like a man, on the chin. You exonerate your team and claim you stuffed it up. He's basically a poor leader then.

Secondly, it shows poor cricketing judgement. Freddie was a rubbish appointment as captain on the grounds of hardly ever having done the job before, quite obviously not having the emotional maturity for the role and not being on good enough form or fitness going into the series to carry off the role. So why pick him? Hope over judgement.

Wickman will be saving his pennies.

Tun-up does something useful

...which is a slightly unfair headline. It was clearly Mrs T that did the useful bit.

Congratulations fella on the production of a new Tun-Up. Slightly more graphic photos on Facebook (she won't thank you for that in the future) confirm that unless the Wick gets itself a women's team, Ian's progeny will not be troubling the scorers.

It's time to refresh ideas for a creche. Given that all the most recent Dads at the Wick have produced girls, is there something in DB-W's sandwiches that is boosting oestrogen levels at The Wick? Wickman thinks we should be told.

Cricket at Christmas

It’s fast approaching the office cricket season. Wickman fancies a game of office cricket.

The office cricket season officially starts in December and reaches a peak round about the last Friday before Christmas. There is then a traditional post Boxing Day Test played all over the country.

It works like this.

Equipment and rules:

Roll up two pieces of A4 into a ball together. Wrap round with most of a roll of sellotape to form a lethal, approximately four oz ball.

Take one poster tube. Wind round remainder of sellotape to act as bat tape.

Pitch: Move tables from Board Room or similar large space against wall.

Bowler’s run ups: Leave door at end of room open to facilitate long runs.

Boundaries: All walls and windows. Six if the ball hits full toss, four along the ground. No singles.

Single wicket tournament: Bat until you are out.

Fielders: As many as can be packed into the space.

Bowler: Normally the whippy looking kid from marketing who last played when 12.

In Wickman’s experience the game is normally played near Christmas and between Christmas and New Year. This is when most of the company’s big wigs are doing their shopping or topping up their holiday allowances with cheeky days at the kid's nativity play. Dave from accounts, the financial controller, has been left in charge of the company and no one gives a sh*t because he’s an idiot.

Every male in the office under the age of 30 gathers together after they’ve got back from a five pint lunch. The biggest bloke grabs the bat. Someone starts off bowling off breaks, but gets clagged all over the Board room. The “ball” – which is lethal owing to the hardness and shine of the sellotape – won’t do anything off the pitch. The big bloke races to 42 off seven balls. Someone else is brought on and takes a hideously long run up, oversteps by four yards, chucks it and smears whatever wastepaper basket is being used for stumps all over the wall. An apple core, screwed up fag packet and someone’s balled up paycheck spray across the floor.

The big guy isn’t impressed claiming a no ball. But five pints each have emboldened the mob and he’s banished to mid off, fighting with seven other mid offs to be the main fielder. Then someone who reckons he can play comes in and plays himself in (three balls in a row are patted back) so that when the fourth ball catches his suit-leg flare he’s triggered by the baying crowd who want to see boundaries.

The game then enters a strange phase where a number of people are bowled or LBW first or second ball until the quiet IT guy from Bangladesh (well Bow anyway) comes in and strokes 176* from 62 balls before everyone realises that there are better things to be done. The bat now resembles a loo roll in a hamster cage but the guy’s still middling it and grinning maniacally.

Evetentually only the guy from the post room, who has no mates, is left bowling to the, by now, double centurion.

They get caught by the MD who has returned from a client lunch, massage, happy finish and trip to buy the wife a a guiltlace (this is a piece of jewellery to mentally atone for the happy finish). The post room guy is fired, but the MD doesn't fire the IT guy because he knows about the MD's porn habit.

Or something...

Getting Wick with... David Fudgey Fudge

1 Nickname(s): Fudgey, Kournikova, Lively!
2 Highest Score for HWRCC: 127 v NPL
3 Best Bowling for HWRCC: 5/27 v Shepperton (Yes I used to be a bowler)
4 Favourite Away Ground: Ickenham CC (always scored runs there and they have an electronic scoreboard… nice)
5 Favourite Food: Fish 'n Chips
6 Favourite Singer/Band: Jamie Cullum & The Untrained Eskimos!?!
7 Favourite Movie: The Sound of Music
8 Favourite Book: Fixture Book…
9 Favourite Pub/Club: Osbournes, Newcastle… Corrrrr!!
10 Favourite Crisps: Salt N Vinegar McCoys… They’re Mans Crisps…
11 Favourite DBW Sandwich: Grated Cheese… Old Skool!
12 Favourite Quote: “Was this pub named after the Great Fire of London” Delboy sitting in a pub called the 1066 on Tour in Hastings????
13 Childhood Sports Hero: Gary Lineker…
14 Best Wick Moment: Being announced 2nd XI Skipper for the 2007 season…
15 Worst Wick Moment: Breaking my ankle and missing 6 weeks of the 2007 season.
16 Invite 3 People to Dinner (Dead or Alive) James Hibberd, Sienna Miller & Bradley Orrrr

Religious artefacts

During the last Millennium many wars and major regional skirmishes were caused by the insatiable desire of Christians for Holy relics. An industry was formed during the last century by tricksters and hucksters out to decieve the public into parting with their hard earned. Recently other religions have got into the act with weeping statues and the like. Recently pot boilers have even been written by hucksters like Dan Brown trying to pass the search for relics such as the Holy Grail off as literature. And even more recently there have been sightings of Jesus Christ in cheese sandwiches, toast etc. It's complicated.

However Wickman has come across evidence of a genuine relic used by our Lord. See the nails protruding from its care worn surface once the white shroud was removed. Stuff the Holy water of Lourdes. Keep your Haj. Imagine the hundreds of Wick cricketers on pilgrimmage in the future hoping to touch this and to be inspired by the aura of The Lord.

This is, of course, the bat of The Lord. This may be the bat that has scored more runs than any other bat currently employed at The Wick. Here it is having its annual short back and sides. This, gentlemen, is what the bat of a deity is like. Remember too that it is older than many of you and if you do see it you will need to call it "Sir"...

Wickman's new favourite Aussie

It used to be Mick Lewis for conceding 113 runs in the greatest one day game ever. Now it's this loser. He's John O'Neill, CEO of the Australian Rugby Union and a total bigot. Wickman hopes that you have got your reading glasses on in the morning buddy for those back page headlines. Dumped out of the World Cup at the QF stage by rank outsiders. And England to boot. That must hurt. It must hurt very badly.

Wickman also hopes you are there to shake the hands of the likes of Latham, Gregan et al - all playing their final game of World Cup rugby against England in our 12-10 victory - they won't be able to look you in the eye when they get off the plane. That's because you and Lote Tuquiri, a sort of apprentice David Campese, probably did more to wind up the England players for today's win in Marseilles than any number of motivational speeches...

No one in England hates you mate. In fact you've given us a really good laugh. Enjoy the plane ride home old chum. See you in four years... bwahahahahahahahaha

How many people does it take to put sightscreens away?

Answer? 2

...and then picks up the trophy in the final

Having despatched Cheltenham in the semis it was on to the final for the Eels. The Eels won the toss and decided to chase. A good start with the ball from Hibby and his skipper pegged Midlanders Ockbush back. Some quality spin bowling was the highlight of the Eels effort, although all the bowlers chipped in with vital wickets and once again Eels fielding was absolutely top drawer.

Our hero Hibberd Jr returned to take two wickets at the death, fighting off a major bout of cramp, or gout or something to rearrange the Ikea for a couple of lower order bashers. Amusingly on the TV commentary Foxy Fowler had decided to point out that Hibby was not shy of pies and mentioned that while the Great North Run was going on on the same day, it would be unlikely that Hibby would complete it. Mpmmfff.

Batting didn't quite work for Hibby this time. A leaden footed whack at one early on saw him back in the Pav having contributed one to the total. Savident was on hand to build a patient and later flamboyant 78* to steal the trophy from Ockbush or whatever their name was.

The boys on the sidelines were delirious, full of Shepherd Neame Masterbrew and later feasted on kebabs and sank Wife Beater on the train back to London. What a day. Must go to Kent more often...

Hibberd Delivers in Canterbury Semi

For those of you who weren't watching SS3 on Sunday because you were too busy mounting your stamp collections or reordering your sock drawer, you missed a cracking afternoon's cricket at Canterbury.

It's not often these days that Wickman watches cricket at non Test grounds. It's probably 30 years in fact since he was last at Canterbury. In those days Fat Gatt was not so fat and was smashing sixes into the car park for fun.

Likewise Wickman has only ever seen Hibberd junior play on club day at the Wick. The year he played he managed a couple of wickets and couldn't get the ball off the square. Those Wick Men who were on the last tour but one remember him smashing a ton at Wadhurst or Crowhurst or somewhere. And of course Hibberd Snr keeps us updated as to his feats of derring do - viz the famous 157.

So it was an extraordinary pleasure to walk into the St Lawrence ground on the last day of September to see the sqaure already scarified, one solitary short boundaried wicket left for the day's play and 300 die-hard supporters (glory hunters in our case) braving the chilly periods when the sun went behind the clouds. For once we could walk on the outfield, gain access to hallowed areas without fussy stewards interfering and watch really good cricket in which we had a real stake - Hibby.

But Canterbury is a long way from London on a Sunday. A two hour train journey on top of the trip to Waterloo was not the best use of Sunday morning. Mutterings were muttered. In his absence Hibby Jnr was urged not to get a duck, go for runnnnnnnnssss and not make the final...

Joyfully, he did not disappoint. In his semi-final he bowled his four overs off the reel. He began with a wicket maiden, bowling a Cheltenham opener, spinning the stump into the air before it javellined into the turf. A wicket maiden in the first over of a 2020 game. FFS! He bowled through, tempting a dangerous oppo bat to spoon a catch to point to return amazing figures of 4-1-15-2. Unbelievable. The oppo never recovered and only posted 103 or so.

The Totton and Eling reply did not start brilliantly. The openers became bogged down by a two paced track and soon the rate crept up from a sublime four an over to a slightly more worrying 6 an over. A wicket fell and Hibby strode in. He had a look at his first ball and lashed the second for four, slightly mistimed through mid on having waltzed down the track to a bowler who looked to be the pace of Joey.

He went on to batter 30+ off 15 ball including a succession of pulled sixes and a glorious lofted off drive for four. The game went away from Cheltenham in those 15 balls. Team mate Savident (ex Hants) saw them home, but Rob Key had eyes only for Hibby Jrs all round performance when it came to naming man of the match.

The travelling glory hunters were ecstatic. Here are the very fingers of Rob Key scribbling down the name of Hibberd as MOM. MOM. On TV and everything...

TV whores travel to Canterbury...

In a shocking development for pre-watershed television, a number of whores appeared on daytime television this Sunday. The three publicity-seeking whores spent more time on screen than most of the cricketers playing in the North Gear Premier League 2020 National Finals. Someone watching television innocently on Sunday was moved to remark that it was particulrly unfair on little children that one of the whores was trying so hard to get onto television that they actually elbowed a small child out of the way when the ball came.

Hambledon CC suffers Wick treatment

Unfortunately Hambledon cc's club house has burned to the ground. This is very sad for Hambledon. It wasn't the most beautiful or architecturally significant building Wickman has ever seen, but then Wick men will recognise their plight following our own travails down the years when we have lost not just one pav to fire (misfortune) but two (carelessness).

Putting aside the annoyance of losing wall stash and memorabilia, Hambledon will hopefully be able to raise enough money to rebuild in style. BTW boys your away changing room was pokey and the showers were rubbish so it's a good thing all in all.

Best of luck with it. We'd love to tour to you again and this time not lose... also please put in a loo roll dispenser and spare loo roll as Timmy E was caught short after 24 hours on the lash. Touring teams need those facilities you know...

Wick Dinner 4 - The Wick xi

This year a new initiative was launched at the dinner. 12 men were picked who exemplified the playing effort on the sward during the year. Not necessarily those who played the 12 best innings or returned the 12 best sets of figures, these guys quietly or loudly delivered beyond their potential. A match winning knock here, a massive improvement shown or an impressive season there, these boys were much in evidence.

Paul Sayce - Forced his way from the 3s to the 1s by sheer weight of runs, with fifties for both the 3s and the 2s on the way up. Displaced Fudgey as best point fielder inthe club and picked up Fielder of the year at the dinner.

David Fudge - Runnnnnns at more than 40, unbeaten skipper of the promoted 2s. He led from the front, being the outstanding batsman in the team which included scoring his maiden league hundred. All this alongside 3xi organisation and all-round Wickness saw him claim the coveted Chairman's award for 2007.

Mark Mackie - consistent runnnnns including July purple patch for all teams. His ability to control the game from the middle order led to many vital partnerships and scores, especially for the 1xi where others faultered. His fielding was also consistently top drawer.

Kamran Raza - Tons of runs. Bags of wickets. Kamran was the best batsman and probably the best bowler in the 1XI for 2007. Rarely looking troubled, Kam scored vital big scores where others failed, notably against Effingham with a blistering hundred. The leading wicket taker, his bowling varied from the alarming and quick to the subtle and controlled. He is a leader on and off the field and was deservedly voted Player of the Year 2007. BOSH.

Simon Bishop - despite a quite hilarious run of ducks early season which everyone at the dinner was very pleased about, Barrell's attitude and commitment bounced him back with some serious innings and hitting only he can provide. Against Croydon, the league champs, he was quite breathtaking. His bowling was typically erratic, but he still found wickets where others were unable. Pushed Saycey very hard for best fielder in the club.

Alex Wright - Or should we call him Alex Red ink? A brilliant first season at The Wick, progressed from the 3xi with top score of 47* to score 76* and guide the 2xi home in a fantastic run chase at Old Tenisonians. Another great recruit for the club and as soon as he gets out we can start talking about his amazing average. React to Light specs meant he could always see and was often very cool.

Nick Clark - Old Iron Gloves. Did the business behind the sticks for the 2s and bashed 60 just when it counted to help secure promotion for the 2s to cap a great season.

Shaun Whinney – Bowled like a bowler and batted like a batsman which was more of a surprise. Played 90 per cent of his season in the 1s reflecting real progress at Winter nets and a keen ability to pass the outiside edge. Shaun also helped the 2s promotion push with a devastating Michelle against Old Sluts and a composed innings of 60* and 100 partnership with Alex Wright spared the blushes of the top ordure at Old Tens.

Zammack Tughral – The 2006 bowler of the year never really found his feet in what was a difficult season for legspinners. Despite stodgy decks and fewer opportunities than last year he progressed enough to play for Middlesex u19 and has been awarded a scholarship with Surrey CCC for 2008. He will do the Wick proud.

Iain Greenwood – Doc was the experienced prong to the 2s attack that helped the younger bowlers with consistent wicket taking performances. Doc found himself twice on a hat-trick this season. His agricultural hitting down the order especially his jug avoiding 48 against Old Sluts helped the side build totals on more than one occasion.

Junaid Iqbal – Junaid burst onto the WICK scene with regular impressive displays for both the Saturday 3s and Sunday team. His mature bowling and fantastic attitude meant that he took more than 25 wickets in his first season of senior cricket. If there is a game of cricket being played Junaid will be there and is a great testament to the colts section.

Tom Robinson – A popular 12th man, Tom’s commitment to the club this year has been fantastic. Ever present at Winter nets and a main player throughout the 3xi campaign, Tom finally broke into the 2xi to make his debut away at Effingham. Tom's first ever spell in league cricket was a phenomenal 7 overs for just 8 runs. Tom has a fantastic future ahead of him.

All the boys got a nice certificate and there are rumours that Clarky has framed his and it's now hanging in the downstairs Thomas at Wick Road...

Fullers League Dinner - Roll up to watch Merrow pick up "our" cup

Wickman can think of nothing better to do with his Friday November 9th than to meet up in town, have a few Britneys, get on the train to Esher, have a slash on the common, weave up to Sandown, hoover down some lagers, swill some red wine around the old roof of the mouth and then sing "Promotione" as Fudgey wanders up to pick up our runners up pennant for being undefeated all season and playing some handsome cricket.

Wickman will then stand and applaud as the Merrow skip sheepishly wends his way up to pick up the trophy for losing lots of games and having two conceded.

Only kidding... but Wickman will be there. He's expecting to see lots of 2s faces coming along as well plus the usual club heros like Matty D, Joey etc. Please email Nips if you are coming. I know that will be difficult, but just select Keithjnicholls@tiscali.co.uk in your email "TO" box and send an email saying "yes I will be coming you great basil and will bring a cheque for 30 nicker with me on the night, it's not like I have anything in the diary that far ahead and my bird won't mind me going out on the lash with the boys one more time".

Hey look Grav might have a few racy tales to tell. And comedian David Lee could be a genius raconteur. It's good value...

16TH ANNUAL DINNER AT SANDOWN PARK RACE COURSE

FRIDAY 9th NOVEMBER 2006 7:00PM FOR 8:00PM
Carriages 1:00am

GUEST SPEAKERS
DAVID GRAVENEY ENGLAND'S CHAIRMAN OF SELECTORS
&
COMEDIAN DAVID LEE

TICKETS @ £30 EACH

Wick Dinner 3 - Chairman's Award

Wickman doesn't care what everyone else thinks. The Chairman's Award is special. By all means knock off 500 runs at 50 or take 60 wickets. Perhaps you could take 15 fearless catches at short leg.

What makes a cricket club special is not the cricket. Everyone at a cricket clubs up and down the country plays cricket. But some people put in hideous amounts of effort for others to be able to just turn up and play. It's the behind the scenes stuff that makes a cricket club what it is.

This year any number of people struggled valiantly to make the club a success. And Wickman has forgotten a few no doubt. Chairman Nips spent more man hours than anyone at the club over the summer. Golby took over the running of the bar and got out Sunday sides. Hibby organised and compered socials. AJ did fixtures. Ali scored. JT and Frank Lips umpired. DBW expended energies on egg sandwiches. Cransey rolled and organised. Kirky, Mooray, Joey, Lloydy, Tun-Up, Doddy, Del, Mackie and, hilariously, Garf, DIYed. Others did too. Coley did kit. Garf worked with the Colts and did the website. Massive efforts all.

Matty D did just about everything you could ask. Leafletting in the Winter. Nets. Selection. More nets. Calling people to beseech them to play. More beseeching. Skippering the 1s. Opening up. Closing down. The small matter of hewing a tour from the solid rock. What a year. Well played.

And Dom Lowns and Clarky were the ones who were nominated despite others putting in just as much. On behalf of all those others (and countless who Wickman forgets, his fourth glass of ving rouge swilling down his purple gullet) these two were picked out as representatives of the general effort. Dom because, as the Chairman said, he is the Wick's Mr Fixit. He's delivered TWO Wick Dinners in six months, organised countless events, dragged Poles in to cleanse the club, made deals with printers and sourced ingredients for all sorts of socials. Clarky was mentioned in dispatches for painting, plumbing, blogging (who IS Wickman?), compering, burger cooking and generally making life on the committee a bit lively.

The winner was Fudgey. Fudgey is the exemplar of Wickness. His year started in November with the planning meetings for recruitment. It continued through Nets in January. He didn't let it lie there by playing almost every pre-season game. He attended and ran socials. He Djed. He revitalised the 2s and took them to promotion. He socialised. He cajoled. He selected. He stapled together 3s sides. And he demanded the same commitment from others. What a year he had. Well deserved. Take a bow... You are Wick and you are LIVELY.

Must (tryh) ard (er)

It had to happen. How could someone resist the opportunity to write this crappy headline? Anyone would think this site could do better. Metro could surely afford a better sub? And what of The Star - this is a national daily - surely THEY could find a different angle? NO!

And you know what's worst about all these mind numbing headlines? They didn't even come up with them. They merely used what the brain dead PR at the ECB came up with in the first place. And Wickman knows all about brain dead PRs...

Wick Dinner 2 - Awards

The handing out of trophies is always eagerly anticipated at awards dinners. It's an honour to be nominated etc blah blah blah. But who WON those babies? As far as Wickman can remember it went thus:

Fielder of the Year: Nominated: Jimmy C, Barrell Winner: Saycey
Bowler of the Year: Nominated: PE Man (Shaun Whinney), Kamran Winner: Junaid
Batsman of the Year: Nominated: Fudgey, Mackie Winner: Kamran

Of the prizes for cricket, Junaid's fantastic performance as a young star of the future was difficult to ignore for the judges. This boy's a talent and no mistake. Similarly you couldn't ignore the weight of runs - including a big ton which was later described to me by Bobby in almost breathless terms - and the other "minor" knocks that Kam put together when it came to the batting award.

And of course with Kam being close to the bowling award too it was really a very good all round performance that was going to keep him out of the cricketer of the year top spot. Shuan was recognised for his all round performances with bat and ball alongside Junaid's bowling... but it really did HAVE to be Kam.

Wickman Loves Indian Cricket

...which all takes Wickman back to a one day game he watched at Lords. Tickets were purchased at the last minute and he sat under cover in the bowels of the Mound Stand. At some ungodly hour the game started and Wickman was subjected to a most un-Lords and un-Wickman experience.

Sat amongst the Indian supporters by 11.27 he felt like he had tried to attack a VIP Merc in Iraq only to find it was protected by Nichollsaway the new anti-insurgent protection system he is marketing. Drumming, shrieking and whistling the Indian support had something to loudly celebrate off every ball. A leg bye was whistled to the rafters. A chinese cut was greeted with a sound similar to that greeting the final whistle at Wembley in 66. It was unbelievable.

None of that "oh good shot" stuff. No slightly sniffy response to an outside edge between slips one and two. No, sheer enjoyment of every ball, every nuance.

Wickman bantered with a close neighbour when a leg bye was cheered as would a returning hunter laden with a deer be following a long famine and was put firmly in his place. "Cricket is FUN. We're having FUN Loosen UP!"

Wickman did. It took another bottle of wine. But he did... these guys were not at Lords by the way...

2020 Final Won By Inja

Back in February Wickman was a big fan of the Indians. How, Wickman said, would the rest of the world's top orders outscore India? You might imagine that Wickman sees this splendid victory as some sort of vindication...

But how could Wickman? This was not the sexy Indian top order that a billion Indian fans have become intoxicated by. Oh no. Sachin, Sourav and Rahul didn't make the flight. VVS was busy bashing 53 and 100 for Lancashire to almost deliver the title to the Red Rose boys.

No, what's worrying or exciting depending on your score in Norman Tebbit's cricket test (that's RACIST) is that there's hardly an oldster in this side. Crikey boys they didn't even play one of the world's finest EVER leg spin bowlers Anil Kumble (yes, yes I know some people say you had to play him as a bowler of induckers yawn yawn). Don't try to tell me that if Chris Schofield and Shahid Afridi are being feted for their abilities in 2020 that Anil couldn't have been THE bowler of the tourney....

No. They did it with a couple of attacking bowlers who are younger than Pete The Lord Culham's bat, the genius offy Harbhajan who is considered not good enough to have a regular test place and RP Singh. Yuvraj actually failed by his standards in the final. Sehwag didn't play. Gambhir anchored the innings. This bodes well for India. Really well. And for those of our countrymen who fail the cricket test? Enjoy it, really enjoy it, because it was a really good tournament and you brought it to life...

2020 Final Watched By Audience of Truants

Organisers of the World Twenty 20 final scheduled it for a South African Bank Holiday Monday. Genius. Well done. That's guaranteed that the only people who will be able to watch it live are in time zones about 6 hours ahead or who are prepared to get out of bed in the middle of the night. Additionally there are bank or religious holidays in Cambodia, Dominican Republic, Guinea-Bissau, Japan, New Caledonia, South Korea, Taiwan and Trinidad. So that's good for them then. All those cricket fans in Cambodia... Yesterday, a Sunday, had no play. Please.

So today anyone who is not the unwaged, pulling a sickie, students and anyone prepared to lig off for the afternoon is struggling. The best we can hope for is a furtive earpiece and the dulcet whine of Graham Gooch. Well - its only hit and giggle after all...

Wick Dinner 1 - Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?

The Wick dinner was a great night and no mistake. There will be more to follow this week but who, who was there, will ever forget The Chairman's rendition of Culture Club's Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?

Wickman can answer in the affirmative that he did want to hurt the Chairman once the song began. If Wickman had been able to reach his weapons broker on the phone and secure a handheld missile (a Stinger, Redeye or Dragon are amongst Wickman's favourites) he would have taken out the Chairman to end the extraordinary aural assault...

In fact, Wickman has contacted a secretive friend who "does a lot of work in Iraq". This "friend" runs a security company which is currently working on defense mechanisms for VIP cars. Essentially you press a button when your armoured Merc is under attack and something nasty happens to deter insurgents from removing your hub caps, forcing open your doors and mussing with your barnet. He's been working on releasing offensive gasses. Wickman has now suggested fitting some major speakers to the underside of the car and running through Chairman Nips howling his vocal stylings at a dangerous level, say 150db, which should first deafen and render unconscious any attackers.

Yuvraj Broadside Sinks England

Yuvraj Singh is good. In fact he's very good. Wickman noticed this in February. But Yuvraj had a stinking world cup and largely looked out of it in the recent one day series between England and India. He also has an odd hairstyle that makes him look like a bizarre Lown. Wickman can't find a picture of him looking like this, but here is surrounded by veg. He looks about as clever as some of it. But he's very popular, rich and probably knobbing a hot Asian babe. Which would probably be what he'd tell Wickman if he was confronted with Wickman's views.

But today he seriously handed it out to Stuart Broad. It was tough to watch the youngster as he seemed powerless to do anything about the mauling he was handed, not even trying a bouncer, slower ball or anything cunning whatsoever. He just ran up, stuck it up there and then watched, with a tinge of sadness, as he was deposited in the stands, out of the ground etc etc.

England leave the tournament with the same playing success record as Zimbabwe. But at least Zim beat Australia. We've been humbled. Dicked on in this game. There's no comfort to be taken because Graveney et al even picked what everyone thought was a good side. It's hardly as if we missed Straussy, Cook, Bellend and Monty for example.

The only thing that is keeping Wickman sane tonight is the astonishing thought that no one has come close to emulating James Hibberd's knock of a couple of weeks ago. Even Yuvraj would have struggled to keep going at that rate...

More innovation needed in International Cricket

After a chastening weekend in front of the box for the smash and grab stuff from South Africa, Wickman is demanding more innovation in International cricket - and sport in general.

The time was when a couple of shepherds could smash a ball around a field using their crooks, a couple of stools and some sheep for fielders, make up some rules and turn it into an International game. Obviously they needed a bit of help from Hambledon and later the MCC but they invented the game. It then took the best part of 500 years before we started getting regularly beaten at it. And it wasn't until mid way through the last century that it was more than the Australians (let's face it they were exported Brits too) took us apart. Now any Tom, Dick and Hamed fancies having a pop at us and we're powerless to resist.

A couple of years ago we were the only ones even bothering with 20-20. No one cared. Now we're amongst the worst teams in the world at it. It's taken the Aussies a couple of stabs at it and they already look ominously good.

Look at Football. We were fine with that until last century. Whipped everyone. When Billy Webb-Ellis picked up the ball and ran with it so began the slow decline in English rugby prospects too (briefly stemmed in 2003).

The domination cycle in sport has shortened considerably. It only takes a couple of months, maybe a year, for us, as inventors of all the world's great games, to get dicke on. No, its about time we came up with a new version of cricket. I am thinking something innovative (Wickman likes to be outside the box) like 10-10 and then 5-5 and finally let's sell the world boundary bowls. If we practice like billyo in private, suddenly call a world championships with a couple of weeks' notice (having written up a really complicated rule book) we might lead the world for a couple of weeks at least. Although the current world champion of Boundary Bowls is a South African... damn.

Dinner Time... A note from Treasurer Lown

For those of you who have not yet made your mind up about the end of season dinner, why the Barry not? For those of you who are coming, event details are below.

If you are still undecided, final numbers have to be confirmed on Tuesday 18th. So we need to know before then. Please email Dom, or let either Keith, Matty D Clarky or Fudgey know. We already have over 55 confirmed numbers, and can only seat 80 so please let us know ASAP!!

For those that are attending, we will take your word as honour and payment! Due to people pulling out of the last dinner, the club had to pay over £600 to cover the original invoice. Ideally I would like you to pay prior to the night, but will be taking cheques or cash on the night (£35, £25 under 21s). If you have any dietary requirements (apart from lots of food - thanks Hibby) please let me know (dominic_lown@hotmail.com)

Details of Hampton Wick Royal Cricket Club end of season dinner

Saturday 22nd September.

Beaufort Suite, Hotel Antionette, Beaufort Road, Kingston, KT1 2TQ - http://www.antoinettehotel.com/kingston/location.html

Map - http://www.streetmap.co.uk/newmap.srf?x=518292&y=168346&z=0&sv=kt1%202tq&st=PostCode&lu=N&tl=Hotel%20Antoinette&ar=y&bi=~&mapp=newmap.srf&searchp=newsearch.srf

Drinks reception from 7pm courtesy of this season's duck tax collection (many thanks to Barrell, Ford and Clark)
3 course dinner served form 7.30pm
Awards for the season (and some other special "prizes") The traditional "Amooray" Disco / Karaoke
Bar closes at midnight
Local taxi number - 0208 977 9999 (Kam's cars)

Look forward to seeing you all there for a great night. If anyone is in need of a babysitter, I think Barrel said he was back and free this weekend and keen to help out.

Punter Ponting's Poker Face

Wickman would love to play poker against Ricky Ponting. Take yourselves back to the Ashes series at Old Trafford when Punter gloved one down the leg side and exposed Australia to a nerve-shattering final 24 balls with Glenn Pigeonshouldbeduck McGrath at the wicket.

As he stood there waiting for the umpire's finger to go up (he was a guilty as a puppy next to a pile of poo) he started gulping. It was like he was Gollum from the Hobbit trying to swallow a live fish whole. If you are English or Welsh you will recognise that moment. It was pure despair. It was good. It was only a shame, frankly, taht we didn't win the game. He would have looked like a science lab peristalysis experiment.

Wickman had forgotten how much pleasure that could give until he saw old Punter swallowing harder than a whore with a blow job specialism trying to service a centre of town Saturday night taxi queue in record time (get that for a simile) as Zimbabwe scored the winning runs yesterday. Wow. It was like watching Deep Throat. Not that Wickman's seen it. Oh no.

Let's hope we see it tomorrow... or next time Wickman is having a poker evening. So Punter, that card on the river, perfect was it? (Watches Punter gulping like a performing seal in a fishmonger's store cupboard) All in then I think...

Aus vs Eng - Preview

Muahahahahahahahahahahaaaaa. Can you believe it? England have the chance to dump the Aussies out of the 2020 cup thingy. Muaaaaaaaahahahahahaha. Well we never. Tomorrow was supposed to be about Australia humbling us into second place and sending us to play someone hideous like South Africa nice and early in the tourney. Now the Bruces have to thrash us just to get past the mighty Zim...

Aus vs Zim. Bwa ha ha ha ha etc

Look. Wickman knows that England hasn't played Zimbabwe yet in the 2020 thingy. But Bwahahahahahahahaha etc that Australia have been humbled. Let's hope Zimbabwe's win has given some cheer to its poor beleaguered population. Frankly, probably not. The country at home is starving. Children are dying of malnutrition. Watching the 2020 world cup is just what a hungry nation needs. Erm... not. Well done ICC for continuing to allow cricket to be played though... perhaps the cricketers will send tea home. Let's hope they don't leave any because Wickman's Mum used to say that African children were starving and he should finish his greens / swede / cold mashed pototoes. It's probably the cricketer's mothers that are starving in this case...

Oops sorry Wickman forgot himself there. This is not a political blog. England, should they beat Zim tomorrow, could dump Australia out of the tournament later this week. Fabulous. Bwahahahahaha

When the Stewarts met Zammak

HWRCC is delighted to announce that Zammak Tughral has been awarded the Jim Laker Spinners Scholarship from Surrey County Cricket Club.

Neither Zammak or the club were entirely sure what this entailed so we lifted this from Surrey CCC website:

"The Jim Laker scholarship aims to improve the technique of existing, talented spinners. Unlike many scholarship schemes, which tend to focus on the development of young cricketers, this is open for any gifted spinners aged from 11 to 35. Pat Pocock and other former Surrey spinner bowlers will provide a twelve-month, one to one, coaching programme for those selected for the scholarship. The Jim Laker scholarship programme is firstly aiming to discover talents for the future of Surrey County Cricket Club".

At a presentation last in the India Suite of the OCS Stand at the Oval last night, whilst Surrey and Somerset slugged it out for Pro40 points, Zammak (plus other spinners from the county) were awarded their scholarships by a party of dignitaries including Micky and Alec Stewart, Lilly Laker (Jim Laker's widow), Pat Pocock, and a few others who I failed to get the names of.

As you can see it was a dream fulfilling moment for Alec Stewart to meet Zammak, and he was later overheard to comment, 'Meeting Tugger is like a dream come true - It's just heart-breaking that I never had the priviledge to keep to him. Although maybe thats a good thing as I hear he has a reputation of making both batsman and keepers look rather silly'.

Before the presentation Zammak, his family, and a few of the Wick boys, including MattyD (who collected a transfer fee rumoured to be the highest ever paid to a club by a professional club), enjoyed the bar and food laid on - on the DBW scale this was a 10. Salmon Bagels, king-prawn sandwiches, homous wraps, and fruit freshly robbed from an African Pygmy, including Pomegranite. Surrey have very kindly offered to give DBW a work-experience placement for the winter, so fingers crossed for next year everyone.

Zammaks nerves finally calmed a little, after some engaging conversation with Mickey Stewart. It was revealed though that Zam had unfortunately failed to do his homework when he commented to Mickey, "I've just been told you are Alec Stewart's father".

Mickey, a bit non-plussed replied: "Well last time I looked I was still Mickey Stewart but yes he does have something to do with me"

Meanwhile, Alec was waiting nervously in the wings to meet his Leg-spinning hero, but MattyD put his mind at rest:

"All you need to know Alec is that he turns it square - FACT"

Congratulations to Zammak on his fanatastic achievement, and hopefully this is further indication that the club is moving towards a very bright future.

It's Winter. So what do you do? HOWZAT 2

So you've mastered HOWZAT basic style.

But after a while situations where Willis B scores 8x6, 16x4 etc to make a career best 192* lead you to refine the rules somewhat.

As we know Willis is a charisma-free vortex that sucks the joy from television reporting. This evening Wickman saw him giving the mic to do the presentations at the Oval in the exciting Pro 40 game that guaranteed the Wurzel-lovers promotione...

Willis: Aaaaannnnnd let's welcome Justin Langer to the stage the winning CAPtin.
Langer: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiyaaaaaa. Like Zen mannnnnn. Oval duuuuuuuuuuude finally won something heeeeeeere...
Tresco: Listen man it's cool to be here. I need to get right back home tonight in case the wife thinks I am touring but its cool...
Willis: dribble dribble dribble bore bore bore annoying voice. looks like a tall old lady. stops talking
Langer: My Kung Fu skills got me through. Hiiiiiiiiiiiiyaaaaaa (stares with big eyes)

Giving up on this filth you change the rules on Howzat. On the first role if you get 1, 2, 3, 4, - or 6 you note it and then roll again. 1+1 is a single. 1 + anything else is a dot (Tests only). 2 + 2 = 2, 2+1 = 1. 2 + anything else is a block.

Now, when you roll - and then roll - again you are out. UNLESS, in 2007, you roll Run Out or Stumped. Then you can ask for a TV replay (odd out, even in). Very occasionally (if you have your favourite batsman at the crease such as D I Gower) you can appeal a catch too as the cheating oppo will have tried to claim one which might have been grassed.

This means scores are more realistic. However. You can revert to the original method if the oppo require 77 in the final innings. All of a sudden its a Bunsen, Underwood is bowling, and its so difficult to bat that he can get a wicket if it rolls a 3 or 5.

Or was Wickman taking it too seriously?

It's Winter. So what do you do? HOWZAT 1

Wickman is devastated. There are three whole months until Winter Nets start. What will he do? As a young man, faced with a lull in cricket (and let's face it, in those days the only thing to do in the winter was to throw a ball against the wall at various speeds and hit it back again) he played HOWZAT.

What is HOWZAT?

HOWZAT is the cricket equivalent of Dungeons and Dragons. It's a game. At its most basic level the sad young pre-pubescent would take a hexagonal pencil to act as a die. With a bic biro (normally) he would press the nib of the pen in once on the first flat side he came to. Rotating it once sixth, he would press the nib in twice. Another sixth and three times. Then four etc. Then a thin line in lieu of five (of this more later) and finally six and six dots!

This pencil became the focus of the game. Finding a notebook one drew up two teams of 11. The real geek would seek out The Telegraph for versimilitude and choose two teams (preferably TEST teams) and begin a sad pencil battle between them.

Given Wickman's vintage imagine an England vs India Test. Opening the batting for England would be Boycott G, and Gooch G. Attempting to uproot their stumps would be Ghavri and Dev. The pencil would be rolled. 1, 2, 3, 4 or 6 would mean RUNNNNS for England. A 5 would mean a wicket for India. Roll the pencil again and 1 = bowled, 2 = lbw, 3 = caught etc etc. Six was always "freak dismissal" such as obstructing the field.

So totally unrealistic games of cricket were played out. The first over of a Test, Dev to Boycott might go: 6,3, 2, 4, 4, OUT (hit the ball twice). Then Roope, Knott, Cowdrey, Grace would all be bowled first ball and Underwood would score an improbable 347* to leave England to declare on 400-9 off 32.1. Or something.

India - owing to skilful rolling by the biased pre-teen, would be all out for 20 (beating New Zealand's all time lowest score) and would have to follow on, this time scoring a regrettable 19 (beating their own lowest score, this time all out obstructing the field in a world record disaster).

What was Wickman thinking?

Chairman’s xi vs President’s xi - Match Report

Chairman’s 194 (Stephen 47, Mackie 40something) President’s 195-7 (Culham 55*) Man of the match: Culham

Chairman’s: Fudge, Goulborn, Davies, Mackie, Hibberd, Stephens, High+, Tughral, Whinney, Nichols, Soppitt, Cameron, Ford

President’s: Ewen, Smith, Moore, Kamran, Lofting, Sissen, Culham, Clark+, Ewen, Godhania, Unsworth, Collier

Chairman’s xi vs President’s xi – or why you can’t beat experience

ex·pe·ri·ence // Pronunciation Key [ik-speer-ee-uh ns] noun, verb, -enced, -enc·ing. knowledge or practical wisdom gained from what one has observed, encountered, or undergone: a man of experience.

Saturday’s game was a classic match up between youth and experience. The youth, as is their wont, were keen to teach the old fellas a lesson and talked loudly of it. The Experienced were stoic but ready. This year the fashion has been for “vintage” cricketers to play on a Wednesday, leaving the youngsters to do much of the work while the rheumy eyed and stiff hamstringed occupy the close catching positions and hope that the ball goes elsewhere. Saturday though saw a stiffening of the sinews, not hamstrings, a summoning up of the blood, the action of the Tiger was imitated and the eye, not rheumy, was lent a terrible aspect.

There’s nothing like an inter-club match to get the juices flowing. It’s all very well sledging in a league game, but if you are reduced to enquiring who consumed all the meat-filled pastry comestibles because you don’t know much about a bat and have to settle for poking fun at his rotundity it’s not much fun. It’s so much more fun when you know the oppo, their foibles, their mental strength (or lack of it) and tensions are high because there are people you don’t want to get out to under any circumstances…

In the red hot environment of Saturday’s encounter only clear heads and low pulse rates would survive. And any mental frailty was to be ruthlessly exploited. Sissen had banked on experience to pay dividends, and, when the chips were down (poker, not potato) one of the wisest heads in the club eased the old guys to victory after a spirited declaration from Chairman Nips at 193-9 left 49 overs to chase down the target.

And all this in the face of terrible provocation. With Ford, Whinney and Tughral to defend the total (not to mention Soppitt, Cameron, Nipples and even Hibberd on show), the youngsters were confident that they would clean up and that the Chairman would take the spoils for the third straight year. In fact a bet was loudly announced round about teatime. It went like this. Kamran would top score for the President. If he didn’t make a ton then that would be that. The next highest score would be byes… money exchanged hands. This was a jab in the ribs that All the President’s Men could not ignore. The bet was loudly discussed in the changing room and steely resolve was the order of the day. But more of this later.

The Chairman won the toss and decided to let his boys set a total. This caused much grumbling in the older camp as only Ewen Jr and Runsworth are in their 20s, Kamran round about the 30 mark and the next youngest in the side could very well have been Clark. At 39 Clark still has a bit of nip in the legs on some Saturdays, but a lengthy binge on Friday down on the South Coast had rendered him unable to operate heavy machinery and it’s a moot point whether he should have driven to the ground never mind donned the ‘keeping gauntlets. The thought of these venerable Gentlemen, four of them having raised their bats for a half century of years in 2007 or before, chasing the leather and cork caused much amusement.

But little leather was chased. A very tight start for The President came from openers Ewen Jr and MS. It is some time since your correspondent has played in the same side as Ewen and he had forgotten the sheer pace that the impossibly tall and incredibly ginger one can generate. He was sphincter-looseningly fast.

Clark had a torrid time behind the timbers, rendered less mobile than Heather Mills McCartney at a barn dance by the previous day’s over indulgence, he was pinged on the left little finger (pre-broken a couple of weeks ago in a keeping accident) by an early leg side delivery. He had his right hand so bruised in taking some deliveries that were “left” by the openers that after a couple of overs he was thoroughly miserable and praying for someone to actually middle the ball so that he didn’t have to take anything. Sadly this did not occur much and he found himself taking a series of balls over head height and scrabbling around on the floor picking up spilled takes.

Fudgey and Golby opened up against this threatening barrage. With MS keeping it tighter than Luciano Pavarotti’s coffin lid at the other end but at least not threatening serious injury it was clear which end the batsmen preferred. Golby mentioned, after one LBW shout, that his pads were inadequate for this level of cricket. Fudgey lofted a few into the on side and even middled an off drive, but eventually succumbed clipping one too many up into the air.

Davies came, looked Daviesish for a while, but played down the wrong line to one of MC’s arm balls following the end of Lofting’s spell. Pouched at first slip he was replaced by Mackie. Golby played some crashing off and cover drives and looked in fine nick but was undone eventually in a way that has escaped me. Mackie too was in top form and together with Stephens scored heavily. Kamran bowled beautifully to both of them and was unlucky not to take a hatful of wickets.

This was the most profitable partnership of the match for The Chairman. Stephens, although he played and missed occasionally to Kamran, hit the ball as hard as usual at both ends and threatened to take the game away. However he was undone by Unsworth – who bowled beautifully – who found his edge. Clark made a hash of two attempts to catch the ball and finally managed to get a glove under the third attempt to send him back. High was quickly undone three balls later (quack – another duck tax victim) dismissed by the same bowler / keeper combination although Clark decided that the Custardo the Clown routine was a little bit outré and caught it first time on this occasion. Mackie also finally perished around this time lobbing a catch to Moore in the ring. Which is not a medical, but geographical, description.

Nicholls came and went, much to everyone’s amusement, dismissed by the returning Godhania who bowled very well for someone who had not picked up a ball in anger for 18 months. He removed a couple of others too, probably Hibberd and Tughral. Jimmy C and PE Man then added a valuable 20 or so and the declaration came with 9 down and after 46.5.

Tea was the usual, but with smaller quantities, DBW concentrating on the barbecue to the detriment of mid game snackage volume. Shocking. 5.

So then that bet was made. That bet was made in full hearing of the older gentlemen. And that’s the difference between youth and experience. Do you remember the story of Icarus? Icarus and old man Icarus (Daedalus) were in chokey courtesy of King Minos. Things looked bleak with no chance of parole etc. Now Daedalus was an inventor cove. He had access (unexplained by the source I consulted) to wax, feathers, something that could be used as a frame and some straps.

That’s pretty lucky in a prison. Perhaps, as it was pre the post office there was little use for sewing mailbags so they were busy stuffing pillows and making candles. Whatever. Daedalus made a couple of pairs of wings and handed a set to Icarus. The wings worked. They were able to put them on, flap about a bit and escape gaol. Pretty crap guards you might think. How could they NOT spot some old geezer knocking up the wings? And when the two of them started flapping around like sneezing turkeys in a Bernard Matthews plant worried about what the man with the stun gun was doing, surely SOMEONE would notice? Nope.

Anyway, Daedalus mentioned in no uncertain terms that it would be unwise for Icarus to fly too close to the Sun. Experience told him that flying too high and too close to the Sun would melt the wings. Did Icarus pay attention? No, he soared impetuously, the wings melted and he spiralled down into the sea and drowned. For flying too close to the Sun, read bet about runs and byes. IcaFudge was about to part with £5… That’s not to say that the bet was poorly judged. In fact after about 20 overs it looked like a nailed on cert. The Chairman opened up with the old ball and an all spin attack, rotating himself, Zam and Delboy for 18 overs. In tragic circumstances Smudger left one from Nipples only to have his stumps rearranged. Ewen Sr, his eyes lighting up like a pinball machine at “TILT” was hit on the back leg and perished LBW to the same bowler. Moore didn’t survive long either (memory fails me). Only Lofting and Kamran looked at ease.

In fact Kamran was leathering the ball all over the oval again and proceeded quickly to thirty-something in some style. Nipples turned to the new ball and Whinney. Kamran wasn’t made aware that it had been taken and Whinney’s first ball bouncer came on too quickly and he spliced a pull to square leg. Matty D. Strawberries. When Lofting then creamed a long hop from Ford to Zam on the edge of the square the President’s Men were in some trouble at 70ish for five.

Voices on the balcony offered scorn. The younger generation felt that the game was there to be taken. However it wasn’t. Culham and Sissen together could offer a great deal of experience and went about their business with some authority. There was plenty of time left in the game and both set about the target with great gusto. The Lord absolutely SMASHED Ford back over his head to the Kingsfield end, the ball crashing into the sightscreen, and while Zam twirled away he couldn’t rid the youngsters of either.

There was cheerful talk on the sidelines of the President having enough batting to make 194 with ease. When Sissen eventually perished Clark joined Culham and together they brought the rate down to four and below with some excellent attacking cricket, a few boundaries and some well run ones and twos. When Clark perished naffly patting one back to Whinney, only 20 or so were required and Ewen Jr accompanied the Lord right through to the penultimate over when the winning runs were struck. Culham had reached a well deserved 55* and delivered victory on a plate.

And that was that. Experience, in the form of Culham and Sissen in particular triumphed. Culham’s innings was a fine effort. Despite his bat containing so much retaining metal that he couldn’t take it onto an aeroplane and much muttering about age this was the stand-out performance of the day. Without his stickability for the lower order to play around him this could very well have been a humiliating third reverse for Bobby. It’s a shame he has all but hung up his boots. What with his MOM on tour and this, he is growing in most estimations despite the progress of time… Awards were handed out in the form of nasty drinks, Fudgey’s backfiring bet ensuring one of the most unpleasant fell to him. DBW’s Barbie was better than his tea, we ate and drank our way through Keith and Bobby’s generous bar and food tabs and, once again, it was a painful dawn which greeted Wickman on Sunday morning. Thank heavens the season is over. He’s not sure his liver could take another month.