Saturday Team News

HWRCC 1xi vs Frimley

Jackson, Hibberd, Davies ©, Raza, Mackie +, Forbes, Cole, Bishop, Ewen, Tughral, Whinney 12:15 – Meet, 13:30 – Start Umpire – J. Tilley Scorer – A. Whitcher

Merstham vs HWRCC 2xi

Sayce, Moore, Gooooaaalllllllllllllllllllll, Lofting, Clark + ©, High, Wright, Ewen, Ford, Noor, Lown 11:45 – Meet, 13:30 – Start Umpire – F. Lippitt (TBC)

Battersea Ironsides vs HWRCC 3xi

Cameron, Crane ©, Lloyd, Z. Tughral Jnr, Robinson , Nicholas, Copeland +, Nicholls, Iqbal, Unsworth, Laight 12:00 – Meet, 13:30 – Start

Good luck with the weather - better a Wickwash than a washout... here two girls check for grass on the wicket

Godalming match report - HWRCC 1st ix turn the corner?

Godlaming Vs Hampton Wick Royals

Hampton Wick won by 71 runs.

Hampton Wick - 195 all out (50.1 overs) Mackie 50* Agge 4/21

Godalming - 124 all out Iley 50 Raza 5/28

As the rest of the country endured conditions akin to the interior of an Otter's pocket, it looked as though many of the nations great weekend events would be severely threatened. Only one seemed safe by virtue of the fact that the 'World Quilt Making Championships' at Sandown Park was no doubt an indoor event.

What a pleasant suprise it was then to arrive at Godalming's hill top fortress to see the clouds circling without looking like they would threaten proceedings.

For anyone who might be unaware, we lost last week against Byfleet, and whilst we have not been playing our best cricket, the general concensus has been that those little moments of fortune required to win a game of cricket have just not quite gone our way. As Richie Benaud said about captaincy, 'it's 1% skill and 99% luck'. It was not a lucky victory as such, but it would be wrong not to recognise the fact that those game breaker moments finally started to go our way. You make your own luck as well in sport, and our determination to play the kind of cricket we know we are capable of started to twinkle.

As they say in cricketing vernacular, 'it was a good toss to lose'. Matty duly lost it and given the way we have chased in recent times there was atmostphere of optimism about it as Godalming asked the Wick to have a bat, on what looked a good track - Hard and fast to keep quickies and spinners interested alike, whilst offering plenty of runs for the stroke makers.

Matty opened up with Hibby as the Wick looked to get off to a flier. With the ball moving around though the run rate was stunted and Hibby was then caught smartly at mid-wicket. This brought Kamran to the wicket who added his assured presence to proceedings, and along with Matty they looked to set the platform for a healthy score. Whilst Kam accumulated, Matty was beligerant on the bad ball.

At 70-1 the boys in the lower order had felt comfortable enough for a game of boundary bowls. Hibby came back from recent defeats at the hand of Barrel, to win on one of the more tricky courses on the league circuit!

Suddenly wickets came like buses as Matty fell to a good catch from Hicks diving forward and AJ fell soon after as he popped one down mid-off's gregory. 76-3 and the rallying call of 'Mingers' was being trumpeted from the Godalming huddle.

When Kam fell LBW to Steel without a another run being added the Wick were nose-diving at 76-4. With both Mingers spinners on and the field tight, nurdling and a re-group were required. Who better for the task in hand than the phlegmatic Mark Mackie, and the experienced Ben Stephens.

Whilst Ben spread the field with what is best descrided as a 'wallop' down the ground off his second ball, Mackie was content to rotate the strike. When Ben fell for a cavalier 24, Barrel came in, but the rhythm Ben and Mackie had started continued in earnest.

All batsman have experienced a rough trot, and sometimes all you need to get you going again is a slice of luck. Barrel has been on a trot as muddy as the Hillsborough football ground recently, so when Godalming let him off twice, whilst on 0 and 3, another corner in our fortunes was turned. Mackie and Barrel decided it was time to add some gas and were particularly brutal on spinner Steel, launching him for three sixes over the leg side boundary.

Mackies parterships with Stephens and Barrel Bishop added 80 to the total, and by the time Barrel fell for 21 off 19 balls, the wick were in search of 200, a declaration and 50 for Mackie. Coley,Joey, Garf and Whinney just about saw Mackie through to a superbly paced 50, and although not making the 200 mark, all believed 194 was enough to bowl at given our bowlers and the pace of the track.

As we were fielding second I didn't eat much tea but will give it a 6/10, simply for the scones with Jam which gave it a traditional feel.

And so to the Godalming reply. Joey opened up and despite struggling with injury looked as though he would hurry most batsman for pace down the hill with the wind behind him. At the other end Shaun found immediate success having Milner the Godalming skipper caught at second slip by Barrel, with a peach of a ball, that forced the batsman to play, before finding extra bounce and away movement to kiss the outside edge and snuggle sweetly in Barrels welcoming bosom.

A strange period of cricket followed as the Wick bowlers struggled with their lines but weren't duly punished for it. Iley picked up boundaries using Joey's pace to force it through the point and gully regions, whilst Hicks looked to get to grips with the pace of the pitch. Both openers lost their radar however, giving Garf value for his patch fee behind the stumps.

Barrel replaced Shaun and mixed it up. Godalming saw their chance to attack, and looked to hit him through the V. Having not quite found his length Hicks decided Barrel had to go. He chose the wrong ball though as Barrel finally found the perfect spot and the ball swung through the inviting gate to clean bowl the Godlaming number 3.

The danger man Agge entered the fray and was not so kind. His first two deliveries whistled to the boundary. Then came one of those moments that you look back on at the end of a successful season and ear mark as the turning point in your fortunes. Agge thrashed it to mid-on where Shaun Whinney plucked it off the top of the grass blades to put Agge back in the hutch. 55/3 and the Wick were on top.

Iley and number 5 Brown then began to take the game to the Wick. With impressive timing and placement they started to force the field back, both taking full advantage of the over pitched ball.

I would like to say a little thank you at this point to whom ever phoned Kamran at 3:30 that morning. It reminded me of what happened at Frimley last year when someone mugged Webbo the night before a game. Kam was angry.... very angry...

With Godalming flying Kamran tore the guts out of the Godalming innings, with a lion hearted bowling performance. Getting rid of Iley who tickled one behind having got to his 50 got the ball rolling.

Cue the next decisive moment in the game. Drinks and a spot of rain, just to liven up the track. With both sides still eyeing a victory there was never any contemplation of coming off.

Coley and Ben Stephens conspired to remove keeper Clarke as the ball spat up off a shortish length and was superbly held by Ben diving forwards, like a prisoner diving for the soap to avoid bending over.

Brown realised that if they were going to get the total it was up to him and he looked to shepherd the tail and play his shots. He could only stand and stare though as Kam removed numbers 7 & 8 without adding to the total, then look on as Kam charged down the pitch roaring his delight.

Matty saw his opportunity for the kill and brought back Joey whose radar was back to normal. Number 9 feathered him behind without a fight, and Brown succumbed to a fantastic catch from Coley off Kam. Kam then finished the job and Godalming had been shot out for 124 despite looking favourites for the win shortly before the drinks break.

Catches win matches, and the Wick dropped nothing all day, and despite some fluent stroke play from the Godlaming top order stuck to their task, and when an opening appeared were ruthless. This is the kind of cricket we know we can play. Hopefully this will kick start our season.

MOM - shared between Kam and Mackie, and the guy who phoned Kam at 3:30. Turning point - Shaun's catch to remove Agge (the number 4). Champagne mament - Coley's catch!

Hawaiin Night - Saturday 30th June

DBW attains record 7.5

With not much to do on Saturday once the heavens opened, the boys were able to pay some serious attention to the works of DBW.

For once there was real variety and - with no real prospect of further play - it was time to tuck in. The eggs in the egg sandwiches were free range and glowed a bright yellow. There was a spicy sausagey thing going on. And other little touches which made all the difference to lift this tea out of mid season gastronomic torpor.

Cynics suggested that it was nothing but leftovers from the previous evening but Wickman's happy with that.

As a security guard of Wickman's acquaintance often says after a night sitting on his harris at minimum wage "musn't grumble". This week tea hit the spot.

Here the boys place bets as to what sort of binding agent will be used in the egg sandwiches. From left Hilly (behind post - get a shirt Hilly), Billy, Charlie, Cransey, Wrighty

HWRCC 2xi vs Merrow

Merrow 114-3 39 overs Rain 115-0 Sayce, Moore, Ewen, Crane, Wright, High, Clark*+, Goodwin, Noor, Hill, Lown

Rain wins by 10 wickets

Depressingly a game that was shaping up to its billing as a top of the table clash of the Titans was washed out at 4.30ish.

Merrow were inserted by the stand in skipper and HWRCC had largely pegged the opposition back with only Mead and an obdurate South African opener making much sense of the bowling before the rains came. Tight spells from Ted, Billy, Hilly and Lownsy (who bowled 11 off the reel) had made it difficult for all concerned. Merrow’s strategy – to sit in and see what they could get from 52 overs -looked like setting us a target in excess of 160 which might have been testing on a drying wicket.

However when the rain came it came in real torrents. So dark did it become that the trees in the park were no longer visible and within ten minutes there was so much standing water on the square (and in the hollows between the club house and square) that it did not take a genius (not that we had any) to see that the game had gone. At 6.20 when the optimists might have been prepared to have had 20 overs to chase the 114 at an unlikely 5.7 an over on something that would have been largely unplayable and with an outfield that would not have rewarded shots along the floor, the strip was still wetter than an Octopus’ front room.

So that was that. On balance 4 points suited neither side as Merrow failed to close the gap and The Wick failed to widen theirs to second and third place. Those who were picked for their batting spent one of those short afternoons in the field that leave one feeling slightly cheated, feeling slightly cheated. Like Cranesy for instance who took a blinding catch at short leg only to see the obdurate Jaapie stand his ground and the umpire (who had earlier thought that Tid was a new bowler mid spell so little attention was he paying) fail to spot the massive inside edge onto pad.

Next week we play Merstham at their place. The weather looks relatively calm at that end of the week so it will be time for The Wick to get back to winning ways if cricket is played. Our strong start to the season meant that we could afford to concede points to the weather this week and it doesn’t look as if any team will be closer than 18 points behind us going into game 8 of 16.

3rds vs Bank of England - by Wickman Jr

HWRCC 3xi v BANK OF ENGLAND

When Harry met Lloydy…

Hampton Wick 3s get second win on the spin to make mockery of non-league status

HWRCC – 135 for 6 (35 overs) – Alex (47 not out), Lloydy 30 + Bank of England – 89 all out – (Laight, and Iqbal taking 3 wickets a piece)

Do you remember in When Harry met Sally when Harry Burns opined about the problems of marriage and long-term relationships? (Stay with me on this… I’m about to draw a tenuous link)[Wickman is reading this very carefully and suspects the urine is being extracted, but carry on]. Well, for those of you who’ve only ever perused the “wrestle mania” and “adult” sections of your local Blockbuster Video (firstly, get some culture and secondly, be thankful you don’t have a woman) here’s what Harry had to say on the subject:

“Right now everything is great, everyone is happy, everyone is in love and that is wonderful. But you gotta know that sooner or later you're gonna be screaming at each other about who's gonna get this dish (Harry points at plate). This eight dollar dish will cost you a thousand dollars in phone calls to the legal firm of That's Mine, This Is Yours.”

Ahh… such a doozy of a quote isn’t? Basically, summing up, Harry’s thinking, “yeah, I really like this bird I’m seeing at the moment, but just give it time and we’ll soon be fighting over last night’s pizza, and it will all end in tears. That’s the way relationships are”. (Just as a side point though, if you do have a penchant for “the larger lady” – and who among us doesn’t? - this WILL happen, FACT… and trust me you won’t be getting any of the pizza).

While it might not be immediately obvious as to what any of this has to do with cricket, if you think about the situation of Hampton Wick’s young star keeper – also named Harry (part of the tenuous link being drawn here, keep tight hold) – the connection is clear. Although Harry is by no means a slice of pizza, he is indeed a dish that everyone at the Wick will be fighting over in the next few months - FACT. The harmony that currently exists between the Club’s first, second and third xis will almost surely be strained after his brilliant performance behind the sticks against Bank of England on Saturday. Harry met Lloydy, and Lloydy liked what he saw.

The young colt single handedly saved 20-30 runs behind the stumps in a stellar performance, with some of the best glove work I’ve seen since I took a tour of the Kookaburra factory and saw them making wicket keeping gloves. Keep tight hold. Not only did he ensure that the Wick picked up their second win on the bounce (“we would be top the league… say we would be top the league…”) but also confirmed that when Fudgey meets Matty D, they will be fighting over just who will get first call on Harry when Garf and Clarky are away?

Indeed. Now to the match.

After last week’s heroics by Iqbal, the talk permeating the club all week was whether or not the boys could back it up against the Bank of England on Saturday (by “talk”, I mean, AJ saying to Matty D at nets: “Great win for the 3s on Saturday eh?”, Matty D: “yeah FACT – reckon they can back it up?”, AJ: “Don’t know mate – yeah why not”? MD: “Jimmy C’s good isn’t he?”, AJ: “Yeah, he’s lively as well!”… you get the gist). Following a couple of late inclusions into the squad, and a mysterious decision from the opposition to field in the wet having won the toss, the Wick went out to bat on what Doddy mused was a “bloody slow” track.

Led by openers Risman and Doddy, the Wick made a slow but confident start. However, with the pitch playing as invitingly as a (deleted, this is a family blog), it wasn’t long before they were both back in the hutch after some cavalier shots. Jimmy C joined them soon after following a ridiculous dance down the wicket, leaving the Wick at 4 for 30 after just 15 overs.

Thankfully, stability was soon restored as Lloydy and Alex arrived at the crease, helping to rescue the innings. Alex never looked troubled by their attack, pushing 2s and scoring boundaries at will, while Lloydy kept the runs ticking over at the other end with his usual, aggressive style. A partnership of 70 was quickly put together, helping the Wick to reach a respectable 135 at the close.

After the tea interval, and a great gee up from Lloydy, the boys took to the field in a buoyant mood. With “Direct” and Iqbal opening the attack, there was every reason to believe it could be a short afternoon. Direct, bowling with his usual pace and bounce was as probing as ever, while Iqbal got the ball to swing and dart all over the place, putting their batsmen under pressure from the off. It was little wonder then that their openers were back in the pavilion after only a few balls, both falling in quick succession.

Given the Wick’s good start and sensing an early finish, Doddy helped lighten the mood with a couple of horrible sledges about “banking” to unsettle the Bank of England batsmen. Listed by no means in order of popularity, Doddy came up with these gems:

“Make them play by ‘direct’ debit Des" “Good to see that our bowling is fixed and not variable” “this is gold standard stuff Wick” “send the next one down with interest”

Surprisingly Doddy’s oddball behaviour clearly rattled the batsmen. Direct and Iqbal managed to pick up another couple of wickets each, with Harry taking superb catches on both occasions. This, however, was only a small part of an amazing repertoire from Harry, who dived at everything and pulled off some amazing stops in the process. With the Bank now at 5 for 50, the game looked to be over as a contest.

With few remaining wickets on offer, Kirky and Jimmy C then came on to get into the act. Jimmy C couldn’t buy a wicket, despite constant appealing (Monty Panesar style) while Kirky, on the other hand, swinging the ball beautifully up the hill, picked up three wickets in quick succession, almost getting a cheeky hat-trick.

Thanks to Tommy Robinson and Ian T, the tail was quickly taken apart and the game was over. The Wick had bowled out Bank for under 90 runs with a brilliant bowling and fielding performance, led by the incomparable Harry behind the stumps.

In the team huddle after the win, Lloydy spoke eloquently about the “solid” performance. It’s two wins on the spin now for the Wick 3s, but can they make it three in a row? There’ll no doubt be talk at nets during the week, courtesy of AJ and Matty D, but don’t be surprised if there’s talk about which team is going to keep Harry.

Yours in Wick, Wickman Junior

Team News - Saturday 23 June

Well Gents (and Alison) what a weekend this is. The 1sts are off to Godalming. We have not played Godalming in the league. There is the chance that they might play at a ground of great beauty. They may serve a tea of mythic quality. Here is Barrel arriving at the pavillion for tea. The 1s will set out with stout heart but quivvering expectation.

The 2s - unbeaten - will attempt to defend fortress Wick. No league team has lost a league game at fortress Wick since last Summer when the 2s lost to Merrow. This Saturday we are visited by Merrow. There's a challenge boys.

The 3s - growing in confidence - are protecting a proud record of squeaking fantastic wins agains the mid-game odds. We're looking forward to more derring-do from Lloydy's mob.

Godalming vs HWRCC 1xi. Meet 11:30 Davies*, Hibberd, Ewen J, Raza, Whinney, Jones+, Mackie, Cole, Bishop, Jackson, Stephens

HWRCC 2xi vs Merrow. Meet 12:00 Clark*+, Sayce, Moore, Crane, High, Wright, Ewen D, Goodwin, Noor, Hill, Lown

HWRCC 3xi vs Old Tiffinians. Meet 12:30 Lloyd*, Risman, Doddy, Routledge, Nicholas, Taylorson, Cameron, Walters+, Unsworth, Iqbal, Laight

Good luck boys. This would be the PERFECT weekend for the first new ear Wickwash...

Getting Wick With.....NICK CLARK

We play cricket together, drink together and shower together, so let's find out what makes a bloke Wick. Opening up the innings for Getting Wick With....is a man not just handy with the gloves, but just as handy with a power tool after all his work around the club this year.

1 Nickname(s): Clarky, Shakespeare
2 Highest Score for HWRCC: 54*
3 Best Bowling for HWRCC: Flag bowls at Thames Ditton. Won with two flags to play
4 Favourite Away Ground: Westfield - short boundaries, cracking tea
5 Favourite Food: Foie Gras, Chateaubriand
6 Favourite Singer/Band: David Bowie
7 Favourite Movie: Withnail & I
8 Favourite Book: One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest
9 Favourite Pub/Club: The Star and Garter, Soho
10 Favourite Crisps: Pickeld Onion Monster Munch
11 Favourite DBW Sandwich: Egg
12 Favourite Quote: "Winston, you're drunk". "Madam, I may be drunk, but in the morning I will be sober. You, on the other hand, will still be ugly"
13 Childhood Sports Hero: Sir Ian Terrence Botham
14 Best Wick Moment: Creaming Hibby all over the nets during Winter
15 Worst Wick Moment: Golden Duck on debut v Wycombe House 2004
16 Invite 3 People to Dinner (Dead or Alive) Mrs Clark
Maggie Thatcher
Arthur Scargill

Moores - half term report

Wickman was being entertained by clients last night. He went into the meal (at a very passable Soho eatery) with a heavy heart and boiling stomach. A quick drink at lunchtime followed by a Pret sandwich (Ham and Greve) had left him feeling distinctly unwell. One of a pint of Pride or the sandwich got him as later on (about 3am to be precise), supper revisited in perfect reverse order. Wickman could taste the brand of coffee and the wines in order. Anyway. Wickman mentions this not because he's slated to be playing cricket today is considering quite ho he's going to get through three hours in the field and a DBW tea, but more to give context for a strange discussion about Peter Moores. Wickman thinks Moores has done a cracking job so far. Presented with a West Indies side as weak as a new born kitten, and almost as fluffy, his charges dispatched them with some aplomb - even having to dig deep on occasion to do it. Monty looks better by the game. Bringing in Allan Donald to mentor Harmy seems to have done wonders for him - even his rather bizarre interviews (I'm brilliant and introverted don't you know) seem to have been toned down. The team seems to be making more of its individual talents. There's a spring in its step. Bringing back Sidebottom seems to have worked. Matt Prior - while not Wickman's favourite gloveman (Bob Taylor's too old now Wickman - get over it) is carting the average West Indian bowling all over various counties. Freddy Who? etc etc. Well done Peter, cracking start. Wickman's dinner companion told me an interesting tale. For reasons too convoluted to go into here, she was dining with a former International coach who was annoyed not to be given the England job. That former coach intimated that the contract that Moores was on is shorter than Ebenezer Scrooge's Christmas Card list and gives him about as much security as a chocolate padlock in the tropics (that one took a bit of time - Wickman thinks it will pass muster). Hmmm. My dinner companion's lunch guest was certainly feeling positive about his chances of getting the job if England couldn't put India away...

Arise Sir Beefy

There's not much that can be written about Ian Terrence Botham that hasn't been written elsewhere, better. Wickman particularly liked David Shower's piece in The Sunday Times. Wickman particularly remembers Headingly because it was the only time Wickman Snr ever watched cricket. He was rooooobish at the game as a lad and was about as agile as Monty Burns from The Simpsons, so never joined in the back garden games. But this time he and Mrs Wickman Snr were persuaded to come in to watch Bob "he's crap on the telly" Willis adminster the last rites. And for a moment they both got it. They both missed THAT innings though. Probably Mrs Wickman Snr was cleaning down the side of the cooker or removing the fluff from the tumble dryer filter. The Old Man was probably tampering with the oil/petrol mix in the mower. Phillistines. And that innings was phenomenal. No one had played like that in Test Cricket in Wickman's short spectating life. Wickman had never seen anyone play like that in any form of the game. And then he did it again with a spell of something like 5 for 1 to win the next test. The ball that he delivered to rid us of Terry Alderman (NOT a good bat), an inswinging yorkery thing that was unplayable and uprooted just about everything, was like someone using a ball on a yo-yo string. It was inevitable that it would skittle him. Wickman, along with thousands of other pre-pubescents, sped out into the garden and bowled for HOURS against the garage door trying to repeat it. Just one gripe. Wickman KNOWS Sir Viv called Beefy, Beefy. But as a nickname it sucks. Big time. Beefy. FFS... The guy was a collossus not a burger...

Wickman's Old Suttonians 2s Match Report

HWRCC 2xi vs Old Suttonians

HWRCC 181-9 (42.4 overs) Doc Greenwood 48

Old Sluts 78-10 (35.4 overs) Shaun Whinney 5-24

HWRCC won by 103 runs - League table

Moore, Sayce, Ewen, Crane, Lofting, Clark*+, Whinney, Noor, Greenwood, Hill, Lown

HWRCC beat conditions

A risky gamble paid off on Saturday as Doc Greenwood recorded his highest league score to dig stand in skipper Clarky out of a hole that was deepening by the minute. Choosing to bat on a soaking pitch to make the most of later bowling conditions, the Wick collapsed to 25-4 before partnerships between MS (26) and Clarky (23) and Shaun (17) and Doc (48) built a more than adequate total on a strip that became harder to bat on as the day wore on.

A deluge that was almost biblical in proportion arrived at 1.15pm, just as Clarky was looking out the opposition skipper, Wrankmore, to do some coin agitation. The toss was delayed while the rain came down and drenched everything. Clark decided that on balance – given the strength of the bowling attack – that he would prefer the Wick to bowl with a dry ball and the only way to have any chance of that was to bat first. It was also the only way that the game was going to get started if the home side took the obviously damp conditions on.

On winning the toss then, much to the opposition’s surprise, HWRCC batted. The decision began to look foolish as Moore edged behind to swell Duck Tax coffers, Sayce top edged a pull and was caught at fine leg and an uncharacteristically cautious Cranesy lobbed one to mid off, stopping his shot for the first time in living memory. When Ewen, who displayed much grit, was brilliantly caught at point / gully, the opposition could rightfully claim to be on top.

However – and perhaps Wickman will cause a heated debate – none of the wickets to fall thus far could be attributed to the state of the pitch. Granted it was not comfortable batting out there, but it was to be a whole lot worse for the opposition as the pitch dried and began to cut up rough like Staffordshire-Bull-Terrier-owning-hoodies in a North London housing estate. Lofting and Clark, while never well set, took advantage of some average bowling, both driving with some style once they had become used to the pace. Clark pulled one young tyro for a large six. Lofting smashed the ball back over another’s head repeatedly. And then a mini-disaster.

Lofting, turning for a second like a dog chasing its tail, pulled his hammy. Some comedy ensued as a bit of yes, no, yes, no “running” occurred in the middle of the pitch, but eventually everyone got home and the damage could be inspected. It was not good. MS retired to find some ice. Shaun joined Clarky and for a few overs they proceeded sedately to put up a decent score before Clark was totally undone by one that came back further than Hugh Grant did from career obscurity after he paid for a quick helmet shine in LA. At this point we were shy of a decent total with our batting either dead or wounded. Billy didn’t last long, spooning one back to the bowler, and in strode Doc.

Crumbs. Criminy. Yoinks. Lawks-a-mercy etc. This was boys own stuff reminiscent of a Victor comic or similar. Doc just biffed the ball all over the park. Clark, hoping to set 140, suddenly watched as the scoreboard revolved quicker than the reels on a fruit machine as Doc pulled and smashed his way towards what would have been a very well-deserved 50. His only blemish was to call Shaun through for a very tight single which Shaun failed to complete. Oh and skying one only for the bowler - too keen by half all day and not trusting his compatriots - to call for the catch and never get anyone near it despite at least two teammates being almost directly underneath it. After that, along with Hilly who made a muscular 10 not out, he completely dominated chasing 180 from 42 overs – the target set by a now rather cheerful Clarky. He eventually perished to his first miscue, caught form the shot that were it middled would have taken him to the magic number. It only remained for Lownsy to come to the wicket for the first time this season and play a very authentic sweep shot to bring up the 180 from 42.4. The declaration was made to preserve Dom’s average of infinity.

Ben Mellett for the opposition, a colt, was an impressive performer for Old Sluts. He will take the wickets of worse batsmen than Moore and Lofting in his career. Wellapilli used the conditions well also, making it difficult for the top order to score. Perhaps though, he could disguise his quicker ball slightly better. It wasn’t so much the signal at the beginning of the run as the doubling of run-up pace that gave it away...

Tea. 6/10. Same old.

If Old Sluts had been able to damage our top order with mostly on the spot sub-military-medium stuff, then it seemed self evident that Shaun and Muzzy – both a yard or two quicker and both much taller – would be very difficult to play on a what was now a quickly drying wicket.

In no time at all OS’s top order were back in the hutch, two caught behind (one off an impossible to deal with rearing ball from a good length from Shaun, the other playing an expansive drive from a super ball from Muzi). Then a fantastic moment. Crane, doing short leg, caught the dangerous Mellett Snr off the full face by staying low and demonstrating fantastic technique. 12-3 and the pitch looked lethal. It was a progression after that until Nichols and James shored things up.

Regular bowling changes followed to break up opposition rhythm and Doc and Lownsy both took wickets. Neither they nor Ewen could locate consistent length to make the bats play though and the skipper turned to Hill who rewarded him with the remarkable figures of 6-4-7-2. Considering that five came from one no ball this was fantastic bowling for the conditions. At the stumps, in-swinging Yorkers in the main, which did enough to break a stubborn eighth wicket partnership (Mellett B again displaying real fight with James), Hill was the pick of the change bowlers.

Shaun was brought back to finish things with overs running down and he removed Mellett B to end the match. This was not before some regrettable controversy occurred which had been brewing ever since Mellett Snr came out to umpire. A fellow that could start a fight, alone, in a phone box (see pic of Casa Mellett), he’d accused the Wick 1s, and Clark in particular, of cheating in the corresponding fixture last year. Knowing this, the Wick had been instructed not to talk to him at all when he batted and to keep as quiet as possible between deliveries as any incidental chat seemed to rile him. He batted reasonably well last year in a dogged rearguard and Clark wanted to ensure that he wasn’t wound up to do the same this time.

However this is the type that will come out to umpire in club games once he has no other role to play to make sure he’s still involved. It’s why you should always bring an umpire if you possibly can because they will probably not have two colt sons batting in the later overs and shouldn’t have an axe to grind. His petty involvement began by widing Dick unnecessarily. He then held back bowlers over fussily if anyone was talking as the bowler was reaching his mark. Here was a man seeking confrontation.

His opportunity eventually arose when Shaun unfortunately – as he had done a few times already to other bats – pitched one near his own toes and bounced it over the head of Mellett’s 13 year old son. It was unfortunate because the lad was not of great stature and this was a very difficult wicket now to keep the ball below bail height. Had we had Delboy in the side he would have been on at this point which would have taken all room for argument out. Unfortunately this short ball was delivered despite repeated and plaintive exhortations during the preceding twenty overs to all the Wick bowlers to try to pitch it up an extra yard to hit the stumps. There was no intent and everyone on the field knew it. Shaun himself was disappointed that he’d let such filth go and apologised immediately.

This prompted volleys of abuse from Mellett and threats to knock the bowler’s head off etc etc. At that point placatory words were said by the skipper to no avail as the tirade continued. Further attempts to pour oil on troubled waters failed between the overs as he then effectively accused the Wick of gamesmanship.

What an example to set the three Colts playing. One of them followed it and started dishing out verbals to the fielders, imagining that slights were being exchanged and this was the way to play cricket. Shamefully, not a single Old Sutt made the trip up the stairs to the bar for a pint afterwards and Mellett was the quickest out of the blocks since Ben Johnson won Gold in 6 or so seconds all those years ago and was surprised to find that he was more doped up on steroids than a champion bodybuilder. All pretty pathetic and frankly the victory was all the sweeter for it. Let us hope that the 2s can get out of this division so that we never have to play against this unfortunate again.

The game was played by all apart from him in good spirit and without edge until his interventions. But the 20 points fall to us on a weekend when Guildford City did us a favour and beat Merrow to leave us… 20 points ahead of the field. There’s a lot to be said for this victory. We won the game batting first on a difficult surface. We toughed it out to give ourselves the best of the conditions to bowl in. And we stuck to the task of winkling out a side that were never in the game and stopped going for it very early. And much better value for our match fees than doing it the other way around.

Shiv Chanderpaul

Wickman salutes you. What a series you have had. Could you bat any better? Have you, alongside BCL, carried the West Indies batting for a decade? Wickman thinks so. And you've done it all with one of the ugliest looking stances, grips and a vigorous trigger movements in the game. But boy oh boy when you smash it through the covers it makes Wickman feel good. Despite the fact you are doing it to Yeoman Hoggy et al. And you look like a crab while batting.

One gripe. What are those stupid marks on your cheeks about? Given Wickman's been watching you for a decade and has no idea, if it's a sponsorship you are getting better value from the deal than your sponsor is...

Frankly speaking though you are averaging more than 45 in Tests over a long career. So you can keep your sponsorship...