Ponting to Star in New PORG Movie

Cricket Australia today announced that in its latest attempt to raise money from a gullible public, it will allow its senior players to appear in films for a percentage of their fee.

Australia's adoring cricket public have long been tempted by loads of old tosh including limited edition memorabilia etc. Just imagine having a signed photo of Matthew Hayden slogging some Bangladeshi no hoper into the middle of next week hanging over your fireplace (Fireplace... hmmm). Lovely.

Now though they have decided to allow the players to appear in films. Here Ricky Ponting announces that he is to appear in the Borrowers III, Return of the Midgets. The props department have supplied him here with a lifesize diary pencil created for the movive.

Common sense from Alastair Cook

I think out of all the cricketers I never think about, Alastair Cook would be up there near the top of the list. There or thereabouts would have to be Chris Rogers from Australia and, possibly, Ian O'Brien from NZ.

For the record, i think Alastair is a really good cricketer, and i'm sure he'll go on to have a very successful career in this, the world's greatest "caper" - that's how i'm seeing it. But unfortunatley for him, he's not been hit with one ounce of charisma or personality? Imagine Andrew Strauss at a younger age, and you can see what i'm talking about.

As many of you may know, Alastair has a regular column in the Metro, where he talks about the "comings and goings" inside the England camp. Rarely do I ever get past the first paragraph on my train journey into work because of the boredom, but I was pleasantly surprised by his prose this thursday past. It was like reading Bill Bryson let me tell you....what a turn of phrase this boy had.

So onto the specifics of the article. Here's what Alastair had to say on the debacle in Jamaica, when talking about his interview with "intimidating" journalists:

"One thing i wanted to convey, and which got lost in the post-mortem (WJ: Wouldn't it have been great to be a fly on the wall in that meeting?), was the fact we are sorry. Sorry to have let everyone down. Thousands of fans, in these uncertain economic times, have spent their hard-earned money to come out here to the West Indies to follow us."

Let's look at this in more detail then shall we?

I like the fact that being "sorry" managed to get lost in the post-mortem. Wickman Junior imagines there was perhaps a team meeting whereby the players and coaching staff talked about what went wrong. Everyone had agreed that the top order needed to show more resolve, responsibily, perhaps even character to make sure this didn't happen again.

Then the question would have gone out to the group: "was there anything else boys? Any others reasons for stuffing up? / things we want to talk about?" "Nah...that'll do" (the group would have said), before Alastair chirped up, saying: "shouldn't we be sorry lads?"

Having already left the room at this point, perhaps they couldn't hear the point he was trying to make? One of the divisions in the England camp that you won't read about is the "Alastair Cook camp" - the team's equivalent of Shannon Matthews. You get the impression that anything he says is going to be ignored at all costs...despite being tied to a leash. Hence, i suppose this was why "sorry" was omitted from the post mortem.

Also, I love the fact that Alastair recognises how the game of cricket fits in with the wider economic world? Describing the current malaise as "uncertain economic times" is so refreshing to hear from a professional sportsperson, and really shows he's on the ball. Perhaps when the FTSE plummets again, a rogue reporter should cross live to Alastair Cook to comment? He might say something like: "what's happened today in London should not come as a surprise to any of us. In these uncertain economic times, we need to prepare.....blah blah blah"

Attached above is a picture of Alastair Cook's twin brother, or so i'm told. Never question the veracity of the online world and things it throws up....so let's take it as FACT.

Wickman Junior

Cracking new record set by WICB

The West Indies Cricket Board are probably a bunch of well motivated good guys who have the best intersts of the cricket world at heart. They've certainly lifted English spirits since about 2000 by reducing one of the best teams in the world to the status of cricket bums. They've also worked hard, at Sabina Park, a few years back, to create the shortest ever test.

On that occasion they managed to bowl 10 quite frightening overs of chin music at some seriously scared England batsmen. In his autobiography (Being a Grumpy Northern Bastard Trying Hard to Get a Career in Journalism) [Wickman thinks that was what it was called] Michael Atherton recalls seeing a ball whistle over his head from a full length and clear the stands [Wickman thinks that was what happened] and then hearing Lara at first slip saying "I liiiiike it Curtly, I really LIKE it". At least they got 10.3 overs in on that occasion.

Today they managed to bowl ten balls. Ten miserable balls. This will surely be the classiest moment ever in cricket. There was no threat to the batsmen. Actually there was going to be. With Fidel Edwards running in three times and not letting go, the danger was the batsmen swinging at thin air and ricking their necks. No this time it was the bowlers who were in danger of falling into the bunkers that the grounds staff had put on the outfield.

Wickman understands that the problem may lie in a shortage of qualified grounds people in the West Indies now. The only people available to do the ground were the Greens Keepers from the Antigua 9 hole pitch and putt at the Paris HiltonTravelodge who were drafted in last Thursday and told to make things a bit tricky for the Englishmen. On that basis they decided to grow the rough a bit longer just off the green bit and put in some new sand traps.

Wickman sends his sympathies to those supporters who have booked holidays, time off work and paid good money to be out there. A true cricket fan is not going to be consoled by 5 days on the beach.

[Wickman found this picture of the WICB's annual conference]

A Moment for Reflection

Congratulations to Chris Gayle and John Dyson's West Indies. They have shown that what they did during the Stanford Series and in New Zealand could very well be the start of a revival by sticking it to a poor England in Jamaica.

The entire test made poor watching from Wickman's armchair and particularly because of the referrals. On a couple of occasions Wickman was dancing around, sometimes trying not to spill a pint, other times in a complicated two step with Wickmutt, when wickets fell, only for them to be referred. When the referrals went our way (Chanderpaul for example) the moment didn't seem as fine when the finger went up again. Certainly Wickmutt was not up for another trip around the dancefloor even when he was offerred a Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrumba! When they didn't there was a general feeling of bemusement in the Wickman brain.

The commentators kept on saying "The TV umpire is only looking to see if an obvious mistake has been made - the players (and by implication those of us not good enough to be there fulfilling a playing function) need to understand that". So - Detective Supt Wickman presents two cases for M'luds to inspect:

Rammy S on 7, first innings, pinned in front by Harmison. Given out by Hill. Referred. Not out as Harper thought it "might be going over". Hang on a cotton picking second. Might be going over? MIGHT be going over? Where the obvious mistake? If it was, in his judgement, going to miss by a country mile, then absolutely it shouldn't have been given. But "might"? The very technology they were using then showed that the ball would have certainly taken out the leg bail and probably hit middle and leg. Hill made a good decision and Harper overruled him.

In England's collapse, Siders asked for his LBW to be reviewed. And fair enough. The ball spun a mile across him and he had every right to think it was going to miss leg stump. As Harper lined up the pics, Wickman was thinking "on the basis that you didn't give out old Rammy, you can hardly send Siders back to the hutch". But blow Wickers if he didn't trigger him with the commentators a chatterin and a harrumphin that all the players know that only catastrophic mistakes can be overturned.

Hang on. Hawk Eye showed that the ball would have shaved the stumps like a Wilkinson Sword 237 blade razor (they'll be one along soon - just you wait and see) but 99.9 per cent of the ball was missing everything. One of the commentators (not an Englishman) was delightedly opining, when he saw this shaving occur, that that justified the decision! Well matey, Wickman didn't hear anyone moaning at Harper when the bails came off on the Sarwan shout! Quite the opposite. Some crud about "you can't give those out".

Wickman reckons the key problem with the Sarwan decision was where the ball went the millisecond after it had struck Rammy's pad. It hit him flush on the top sausage on his knee role and then rolled up an inch into the flappy bit on top. Thus the point of impact was the sausagey bit, not the rest of the pad flap. But the commentators (maybe Harper as well) made their decision on the basis of where they thought the impact was, not where it was.

With full Hawk Eye tracking, hotspot, stump mics and the rest these decisions would be more accurate surely? The very technology that Harper is being allowed to use and manipulate leaves him in one moment thinking there's an element of doubt on Sarwan (Wickman thought it was supposed to be a major error not a bit of doubt) and the next it confirmed (when the blue extension bit was added in) that he got it wrong.

Totally inconsistent and utimately confusing.

Either go for it big time and and use everything at your disposal to give the decision or go back to the way things were when we were allowed to bemoan poor fortune.

[Wickman likes to think that this picture shows Steve "ahm jist a wee laddie froom tha coontry reahly ahnd I divvent ahlways embarrass meself when ah play for England like" Harmison letting loose one of his many Durham based animals at Harper in rertribution for bizarrely overruling the Sarwan lbw. But it's probably not...]

51 reasons for despair....

(Pic: see you later mate - Pietersen has his off stump removed by Jerome "the body" taylor)

The fallout from England's anhiliation by the West Indies is beginning in earnest. Surprise, Suprise...everyone from Nassar Hussain, Bob Willis (has there ever been anyone more annoying in the game?) to Bob Woolmer (via a weeja board) have chipped in with their two cents about what this all means for English cricket. Incidently, despite being dead for almost 2 years, Bob still managed to offer the best of the advice to England. His calling for "calm amidst the storm" was seen by many as a "refreshing view" of what England should do next. Reports cannot be confirmed whether Bob was still wrapped naked in a towel at the time of these comments....

So what next? According to some Wick members - interviewed by Jimmy C last night in Clapham - it's time to bring in Owais Shah, Samit Patel and, in what would be a surprise selection, a recall for the Australian-born bricklayer Darren Pattinson. The sense was that these players would add the necessary "aggro" to help England get back to winning ways.

In my opinion, now is not the time for rash decisions. Sure, it is a setback for the Andrew Strauss-led England. But, as wiser people have said before me many years ago, "Rome wasn't built in a day". The "revolution" that Strauss is trying to create will take time. Just for those of you who need a quick recap, the revolution includes:

• giving players greater responsibility out on the field (i.e. don't let me make any decisions, if you bowl or bat badly....it's your own fault)
• encouraging batsmen to score "millions of runs", despite mathematical improbability
• getting back to what England does best: winning test matches
• an in-depth strategy for winning matches which, on closer inspection, only says "winning" is the strategy.

But this revolution will take time. It needs to grow roots. Some people call the above revolution "insane" and "poorly thought through", but it's important to remember that people used to think that the earth was flat too! People who said it was spherical were derided as naysayers at the time. We now know that the world is spherical (largely)....which just shows that maybe Strauss is onto something....something new and exciting.

Wickman Junior

the downfall of Roy Symonds....and why you should care

The decision from Cricket Australia to stand Andrew "Roy" Symonds down from the tour to South Africa is nothing short of complete injustice. After referring to New Zealand journeyman Brendan McCullum as a "lump of shit", Roy has been tapped on the shoulder and sent back to the asylum for further assessment.

According to James Sutherland, now regarded by many as the "Nurse Ratchet" of the Australian cricket team, Andrew needs to "review and reaffirm his personal documented commitments" if he was to be considered for Australia's one-day international series against Pakistan in April.

Like many, you're probably wondering what these commitments are. Well, following some in-depth trawling on the internet, i've managed to track down what Roy has signed up to. To the untrained eye, the "rules" that Roy must obey if he is to continue "making progress" seem simplistic and almost comical. However, for seasoned observers like Wickman Junior, these represent the very foundation of how to live a good life.

My rules: By Roy (NB: the language has been edited)

• Don't turn up to matches pissed.
• If you're given two options of how to spend your day, either going to cricket training or going fishing with mates, stick with the first option. It's more important.
• Don't get into fights in pubs; and
• If referring to other players, don't describe them as "lumps of shit". Call them "difficult opponents" or "fiery customers" instead.

Strong rules aren't they? If everyone in the world could follow these simple rules, can I suggest it would be a better place?

But, Nurse Ratchet doesn't think these rules are enough:

"Our assessment is that he is making good progress but that his commitment needs testing against new, tougher criteria we will finalise after consultation with his counsellors, the ACA [Australian Cricketers' Association] and Queensland Cricket."

Tougher criteria? Perhaps they'll bring out a straight jacket if he breaks one of these rules? It just seems laughable....THE BLOKE HAS DONE NOTHING WRONG! So what....can we not have a few beers anymore, swear on the pitch or get into the occasional fight? How many Wick players could adapt to these rules? Can I suggest maybe one or two?

Playing cricket should be whether you can deliver on the field or not. That's it. Why do we try and bring people down just for having a life outside of the game, or for the language they use? I'd be happy if they just dropped Roy for making no runs. A logical, reasoned decision. But don't do it because he uses the word "shit"!

Make no mistake, this is just the start of big brother in the cricket world. Roy might be the first, but who's to say that you won't be next?

Wickman Junior

Day One Report - By Wickman

So. Sabina Park is it? Venue where the great West Indies quicks of old tore in and ripped the heart out of Englishmen for a generation. More clay than Muhamad Ali and a pottery put together. Surface like glass.

Here the tallest bowler on offer was Sulieman Benn. And he bowled 30 odd overs of left arm round. Chris Gale bowled sixteen or so overs too. So on the first day of a test in the West Indies we saw over half the overs bowled tossed up by the spinners.

This is canny stuff by the West Indies no? Pick a handful of quickies to confuse the opposition and then actually bowl spinners all day on an outfield that makes the snow covered Wick look quicker than Rainman counting matches.

Meanwhile KP decides to go large. Like Rainman he's an excellent driver but he really needs to understand the mindset of his supporters. Really Kev, a dashing and innings saving 97 is no good to all those people who have bought your ton ups at £1 a point. Okay the chaps with a £1 a point on your series runs might have been toasting a good start, but the ton up brigade are back where they started this morning with only 7 more possible innings to go. Come on lad...

Anyway - there's something odd going on out there. A slow low pitch in the Carrib. Spinners on before lunch. Anyone would think the West Indies had started to think about their cricket again...

Strauss continues to baffle

England's first test match against the Windies is currently in full swing. Unfortunately for Andrew Strauss, he is already back in the pavillion after what can only be described as "a loose shot". Speaking earlier to Wickman Junior, former HWRCC Sunday Skipper Jimmy C called his dismissal "farcical" and "consistent with previous performances".

Perhaps this newest setback for Strauss has stemmed for some recent comments made to the press about England's plans for 2009. It has left this writer "baffled" to say the least.

Speaking to a handful of journalists from the mainstream media about the importance of this series, Strauss was heard to have said:

"The game plan is to get on a roll by winning here," admitted Strauss. "The key to taking on a team like Australia is believing that you can beat them and you get that belief by winning a lot of games ahead of the Ashes. But we won't be taking West Indies lightly.

Can I be the first to suggest that this is the simplest game i've ever seen? I mean, i'm a huge fan of winning and everything that comes with it, but i think some specifics could be helpful for the players. Can you imagine how confused Harmy is going to be when asking Straussy during the warm-up: "hey skip, what's our plan for beating the Windies?", and Strauss simplly says: "winning"? Perhaps some of the players believe that losing is a game plan, and just need that extra reminder? The only redeeming factor here for Strauss appears to be his fondness for "belief" and the role it plays in cricket. I'm with you on that one buddy.

Wickman Junior

No games cancelled as weather doesn't wreck season

Not a single game was lost to the weather today as snow blanketed Hampton Wick and Teddington. Despite six inches of snow in some places, two very large snowmen on the outfield and a giant snowball the size of a youth abandoned at mid off not even a single over was lost.

This was despite outraged onlookers claiming that the Wick had not been gritted, that there was no evidence of the groundsman having even cut a strip or anyone putting out the flags.

Hamtpon Wick Cricket Club Secretary Nick Clark was tight lipped when interviewed by Wickman today, offering a terse "haven't you got anything better to do than try to dig something like this up?"

Further investigation revealed that no sides turned up to play and no-one was inconvenienced by this lack of forward planning. Committee members were said to be "completely relaxed" at the lack of cricket. Others did not answer their emails and legendary Wick umpire Frank Henry Bean could not be contacted.

Could it be magic now?

It seems that Andrew Strauss does not have sole poetic licence on making stupid, vacuous comments in the press.

Pakistan's new skipper Younis Khan has come out with an absolute doozi. Yes, this "reluctant skipper" has called on his players to embrace magic to resurrect the side's struggling fortunes. Speaking to a media gathering, here's what Younis said:

"I will try and fix things that aren't right at the moment," Younis said. "But the boys will all have to get together and wave their magic wands. I can't just wave it by myself. I want our team to be consistent above all, in everything we do and that will require everyone to put their hands up."

I don't even think Strauss could top this comment. Now, i'll be the first to say that i'm not an avid follower of Pakistani cricket - well, not since Veri Farkin Funni retired all those years ago from what I described at the time as the "dream team" of world cricket. However, i'm struggling to understand how this team has gone so far down hill in the last few years.

Rather than looking to magic as the answer, wouldn't it be better to get all the boys netting on a consistent basis, avoiding steroids, and trying not to wipe out your coach? (read: Bob Woolmer - How Jeff Lawson attacked him in the shower in the Windes - terrific book, all be it slightly ilght on evidence)

But I could be wrong.

Wickman Junior

England roll worst tour side ever

So England have destroyed possibly the worst warm up side in the history of tours to anywhere. If England had turned up to Mars you would give good odds that the locals would be able to put out a good side. Admitedly the umpires might have some issues with the lbw law. Who can tell if a limb is really a leg or an arm with your average Martian? And if AJ was fixtures sec there's a good chance he would think a 20 over game against someone outside the surrey champ might be good prep. But the side the Windies put up in this invitational was not worth the entrance fee. All the bats got runs and even Monty (Colin) could have got wickets. We know nothing new. Sigh...

Strauss has lost it

I posed the question just a few days ago that Andrew "brown nose" Strauss had completely lost the plot. Sure, the comment about KP scoring "millions of runs" in the West Indies wasn't meant to be taken seriously. It was a stupid thing to say. But now all doubt has officially been washed away. Just read this:

"We want to get back to doing what do we best, playing cricket and winning Test matches," said Strauss. "My belief is we want to see players think on their feet out in the middle, take responsibility for the situation and not leave it to someone else.

"The only way we can do that is to give them more responsibility off the field as well. I'm challenging my players to start thinking a bit more about what they need to do in terms of preparation and I'm giving them a lot more flexibility to do that."

So lets break this down shall we?

• "We want to get back to doing what we do best, playing cricket and winning Test matches"

Thanks Captain obvious. As professional cricket players i'm not surprised that what you do best is playing cricket. What next: the best thing a pilot does if fly a plane? A vicar spreading the word of god? Thanks for clarifying that Andrew - I was concerned that as professional cricketers what you did best was perhaps daubing a picture on a blank canvas. Also - what England do BEST is losing test matches, not winning them. There's a great track record of this. Can I suggest they need to get away from what they do best and start doing what they are not good at: winning!!

• "My belief is we want to see players think on their feet out in the middle, take responsibility for the situation and not leave it to someone else.

What, so the players have been walking around like dolts until now? Also...i love it how this is his belief!!?? No Andrew, that's common sense mate. When a player puts bat on ball from now on, is he going to think: "shit...Straussy didn't tell me what to do if i get a bouncer from Sharma"?

• "I'm challenging my players to start thinking a bit more about what they need to do in terms of preparation and I'm giving them a lot more flexibility to do that."

In simple terms this means: don't go out after a game and get smashed....that's not great preparation for cricket. Or - should i really get into a pedalo after too many brews before a match, or turn up to training drunk?

Put all of this together and you've pretty much got the picture of Andrew Strauss. This is a guy who is going to sit back, let players do what they want - and if they bugger up it's their fault - and coddle up to England management. He clearly doesn't have a high regard for his players either.

But I could be wrong.

Wickman Junior