3xi vs Purley - Match Report by Smith G.(Please note, currently with Lawyers)

Grazza Appoints New Lawyers to Handle his Growing Case Work

Match report  3^rd XI v Purley  by Smith G

Scorecard

It should now be abundantly clear to those who are still keeping half an eye on the Wick blogspot  that the match report has become a relatively rare beast this year and may well be  joining the three legged aardvark on the endangered species list. [Come on Tongy, Delbert, Charles... just delegate! - Ed]

I suggest that we really need to  examine why this is happening.

Could it be that Wickman has been overzealous with his editing?

Could it be that our 1^st team skipper has been far too busy at work to type a few words or that he can’t quite reach the keyboard?

Could it be that by 10.00 pm on a Saturday, our 2^nd and 4^th team skippers simply can’t remember what has gone off during the day? 

Could it be that our 3^rd team skipper can’t find the words to accurately describe the athletic beauty of his most experienced bowler’s approach to the crease?

All of these arguments hold water but I remain unconvinced.

Having ruminated long and hard about this, I suggest that the real reason lies in the proliferation of litigation regarding libel and slander. This means that people are just too scared to air their views in case offence is caused and a law suit ensues.

It is indeed important that views expressed in match reports should be tempered to avoid hurt feelings. For example, you may very well think, with good reason, that Clarky is a boring old fucker but you shouldn’t write in a match report that Clarky is a boring old fucker because that could be injurious to his feelings.

Care needs to be taken and words rehashed to prevent feelings being hurt.  Therefore, using the above example, you should simply write that … “Clarky has a wealth of fascinating cricket based trivia which he is very keen to share with his team members who are, to a man, enthralled by his wit and wisdom”.

Alternatively you could just describe Clarky in match reports as “BOF” which could be interpreted as a genuine term of endearment (rather than its true meaning of Boring Old Fucker).

With all this  in mind, I have struggled to compile a suitable match report for the 3^rd XI game against Purley. Just how can I describe Paul Sayce’s dismissal at the start of our effort to chase down 139 without causing offence? What I would like to write is the unadulterated truth, which is that the Purley opening bowler dobbed a gentle full toss to Sayce who spooned it straight to mid off, precipitating a team collapse that was pitiful to behold.

But I can’t write that in case I get sued, so I will describe the events thus:

"Our handsome skipper strode to the middle, looking resplendent in his freshly laundered flannels. He purposefully surveyed the opposition fielding positions and then settled at the crease, his jaw set manfully in anticipation. The new cherry began its journey from bowler to bat and our hero, with a calm air of authority, looked to dispatch the approaching “fullish” delivery to the boundary. Unfortunately the “fullish” delivery must have veered wickedly in its final inch of flight , leaving Sayce absolutely no option but to gently deposit the ball into mid off’s hands, and then to head serenely back to the beautiful Kings Field pavillion, quoting Kiplings ‘If’ on the way."

His loyal team mates offered heartfelt sympathy:

Charlie High: “Hard lines, skip. You couldn’t do much about that one”

Dan Kemp:  “Bad luck skip, what a brute of a delivery. You did well do lay a bat on it”

Smith:  “Sayce, you complete and utter twat.”

The rest of the match can be openly and honestly described because the other team members do not possess the intellectual nor financial wherewithal to commence legal proceedings.

But quite frankly there was little of merit to report although Mackie and High both displayed evidence of sublime batting skills which they both possess in abundance and threatened to win the game for us by themselves. Unfortunately they both perished after a handy 50 run partnership leaving the less talented batsmen at the mercy of a tidy bowling attack. Nothing much of note to report here, except that Smith managed to gift his wicket by letting a wide one pass his bat but at the same time lifting his back leg as if he were a dim  Labrador marking his territory, giving the keeper plenty of time to whip off the bails whilst his foot was still airborn.

To look on the positives, I should add that this woeful batting display followed an impressive bowling display by Wick in the first innings. Sayce managed 14 overs up the hill and gave away only 24 runs and picking up 2 wickets in the process. Chris Wood from Up North (not New Zealand, Charlie) impressed with a very tidy opening spell, Dan Kemp also bowled well during his 9 overs while never looking entirely comfortable coming down the hill  - sometimes it is easy to lose the important “gather” when coming down the hill and  a spell up the hill will, I am sure, help to get his balance right. Rifat chipped in with a handy two wickets and Smith trundled down the slope to some effect, picking up 4 scalps.

Dismissing Purley for 138 evidenced the bowling skills on show but dropping 4 or 5 catches may have been the main reason for the loss.

So there we have a non contentious match report with absolutely no offence caused to any party. It can clearly be done which means that we should all look forward to more match reports penned by our hard working skippers.