Royal Cricket

Kempton CC 4xi vs Hampton Wick Royal CC 4xi
Kempton won the toss
HWRCC 175 all out in 39.2 (McMullen 44, Clark 36 – Smith 5-46)
Kempton 168 all out in 49.4 (Osbourn 56, R Inger 30, E X Tras 29!!! - McMullen 5-24)
HWRCC wins by 7 runs

Selves*, Holland+, Miles, Edmonds, Clark, Mcmullan, Mohit, Lown, Linter, Laight, Unsworth

McMullen Clinches Win as Others Clench

Back in the day Wickman had a job in an organization that specialised in working with British Industry to determine whether products were, as they say in the world of business, fit for purpose. People there spent years in committees determining how to describe what various widgets were for and how they should be made. It was mind numbing stuff. One committee had been meeting twice a year and working in between for 20 years and still had not been able to come up with a definition for what a mountain bike actually was. If you think about it hard enough, they said to Wickman, you’ll realise how difficult it actually is.

Wickman sympathised and hoped journalists would never call to ask why it was taking so long as he wondered whether they would share the committee’s bepuzzlement. On balance he felt not. There was however one part of the organization which seemed like great fun to part of. Here, on a trading estate North of London, a team of engineers systematically beat the cr*p out of things to work out when they broke. This was to determine whether they would do their job when in situ. Wickman watched as sleds containing dummies were crashed into walls, things were fired at other things and weights were dropped on helmets for example. Scrupulous notes were taken etc etc.

Yesterday was such a stress test for the Wick’s fourth eleven – the place, apart from the 1xi, where the experienced eye lingers to determine strength and depth of a club’s resources. Test conditions were not ideal. Kempton’s second pitch is next to Sunbury’s most leafy avenue and is football pitch shaped with short boundaries to left and right and a longish slog to the straight ones.

As last week Clarky’s car key sank into the depths of the strip immediately. It was stodgy. More worryingly for nervous batsmen, all over the square, which seemed to be hewn from a football pitch, there were strange plants growing. It looked like some of the growing beasties from the Invasion of the Body Snatchers were competing for space and light with a plethora of Audrey II’s from Little Shop of Horrors. Some of these were round about a good length. Like Lords it sloped from one side of the track to the other. Viewed from one angle, with the back of Kempton Park’s grandstand in the background you could almost convince yourself… no – it was a rotten looking deck which would claim victims in equal measure later in the match.

Unlike last week the toss was lost and this week the Wick would be asked to set a target. Whilst last week the batting looked thinner than Clarky’s hair on top, this week there was some depth to it and this would prove crucial. In the opening exchanges Phil Miles looked busy but he would perish early to Osborn bowled and before Clarky could get his bearings, Charles was done by one that moved a mile off the pitch. VERY unlucky. Selvesy joined and like last week he and Clarky attempted to steady the ship. Unfortunately before too long Selvesy top edged a sweep and spooned one up to the man on the 45. 20-3. Dutchy – who looked just short of a million dollars – arrived in the middle and boshed it around a bit before calling a second to a mis-field and finding himself just short of his ground.

And so the Wick was deep in the mire with 34 on the board and four men back in the hutch. Kirky came out and played extremely straight and extremely sensibly before blazing a series of cuts and late cuts to the boundary, looking like a club version of David Gower.

Clarky, still circumspect as last week, was though finding the middle of the bat this week and combined cautious defence of the straight stuff with some attacking blows. A savage clubbed four down the ground came right out of the middle like a rocket and almost killed Lownsy (umpiring) and Kirky (non-striker) before whistling to the boundary and immediately necessitating fundamental field changes. From last week where the ring around him was tighter than the proverbial gnat’s rear end, this week he was offered singles down the ground to longs off and on which he took gratefully. Just as he was beginning to look good – an enormous maximum off a bouncer clubbed into Sunbury’s premier residential street and someone’s front garden, clearing on the way impressively tall horse chestnuts - he was undone by drinks and not the ones he had had the night before.

Having seen off with Kirky one of the openers, Inwood, he became frustrated by his inability to smear away the filthy looseners from the new bowler after the break and patted a full toss to cover on the boundary. A tame end to an innings which was promising more and a partnership which had put on 45. And once again the Wick was on the knife edge. With such a small ground we needed to kick on and get some runs because despite our bowling attack we would need some to defend. At this point we had only 79 which was not enough.

Kirky too perished as drinks brought not one but two. Mohit – who likes to mow hit as we know from Matty D – then did just that and entertained with a very brisk and boundary-laden 19 before running himself out. He was partnered by Paddy McM who first quietly and then explosively tore into the change bowlers pulling anything short over the short boundary for six. He rattled along, belieing his age and the pitch to a swashbuckling 44 before unfortunately holing out to mid on.

Smith for the oppo who filthily removed Clarky, was flourishing now as the lower order bats started to whirl like dervishes and would pick up five. You can’t argue with the book but we think he will bowl better without quite reaching the same juggy heights. Unsworth played very well from 9 and scored an entertaining 20 something. Splints picked out long off Inwood, who was extremely surprised to pouch another having just got rid of Paddy at long on, and there remained only time for Lown to get off the mark with a boundary (ATS) before Runsworth got the double brackets to end our knock.

At the break between the innings 176 felt like enough. But the relative brevity of our innings – we failed to fully utilise the 40th over – left Kempton 51 overs to reply. You can look at it two ways. We probably wouldn’t have declared at 40 although Wickman did not quiz the skipper on this and by chucking away a few wickets almost certainly unwittingly created a game of it. Our innings was dominated by Paddy’s knock and without it would have been too brief and insubstantial. Only a herculanean performance with the ball by a bowler would deny him the MOM Wickman ruminated on the way to tea. That so many lower order bats chipped in spoke volumes for the resilience in the side and passed the stress test mentioned earlier. On another day we might have struggled to amass 120 with half the side gone. As it was the last four wickets produced almost 100 runs. Well played.

And so to tea. Kempton teas have been described before most mouth wateringly by Sir Matthew of D after a 1s visit and Wickman’s saliva was already washing like the tide over coastal rocks around his teeth before he saw it. Good pasta smells tickled his nostrils along with the tang of garlic bread. Sandwiches were cut both on the angle and into fingers and were prepared with fresh bread. One of the sandwiches surprised and delighted - where Wickman had anticipated egg, coronation chicken was discovered to much jubilation (geddit?).

There were cakey things including coconutty marshmallowy numbers. Here was a tea in which its creator had demonstrated pride and skill. We liked it and lingered long at it like weary travellers at a wayside inn after a long day on the road. As ever there were quibbles - the tea, good, strong was served in thin plastic mugs with a message about recycling on them which failed to hold the brew at temperature and slightly irritated too. The lack of a homemade cake taken with this minor muggy blemish takes us down to an 8.5. Make no mistake though this tea has set the bar high. In Wickman’s memory only Ripley has surpassed it. But the memory of Ripley sours as they were unutterable knobbers which left a bitter taste. Unlike this tea which was close to superb, and this oppo who were personable and played the game in the right way.

And so their reply and the second part of the stress test. Our side was populated with decent bowling – folk who have on merit represented more illustrious xis including Unsworth and Lown, and others including Paddy and Splints who have taken wickets at 2xi and 3xi level. The track was drier than when our top order had batted on it, but like tea was no cakewalk. We also had a top quality ex 1s wicket keeper in Dutchy who pressured bats all afternoon by standing up to all the bowlers and the younger folk – Dommy, Splints, Runsworth, Charles and Paddy in particular would look sharp in the field.

But oh how those short boundaries beckoned. The opening partnership started relatively cautiously. One of them looked like a greyhound in the field and a decent cricketer who could take the game away from us. Fortunately for us he nailed Dom straight to the point boundary fielder as those on the sidelines prematurely celebrated a six. Pouched by Unsworth. Chloe Springer likes this.

Number 3 was R Inger. Turning up in our 39th over and wearing club stash, he pouched a catch as his first contribution. Here he looked assured, contemptuous and started to smash it all over the place. Investigation shows a ton for their 2s and a 70 for their 1s. He raced to 30 before a full pitched ball from Dom defeated his drive and crashed into his Forrest Gumps. So Dom had done his job and done it well removing the 2 really dangerous looking top order bats.

Mohit removed a stubborn looking Miah and Paddy got rid of Mekwan who was beginning to look useful. That said he couldn’t see the ball as he hadn’t brought his glasses (“should have gone to Specsavers” P. Linter I thangyoo) so that was the only useful looking he was doing. But the other cricketer in their xi who looked a class above, Osborn, settled in, stood tall and drove the ball with authority. Just as we got them to five down Osborn, first in partnership with Lee and then skipper Wilsdon began to turn the tie towards Kempton. Just when we needed bowling of real discipline, from one end we kept pitching the ball half way down the track and must have given Osborn five or six straightforward boundaries through an undefended midwicket.

The partnership with Wilsdon was particularly fruitful – the skipper had one shot into the off side to get him to the other end while he watched Osborn bat. Together they put on 44 of which Wickman would wager Osborn scored 40. With 13 needed the game looked up but then Selvsey pulled off a captaincy masterstroke and brought back Paddy to partner the naggingly accurate Unsworth who was keeping us in the game by keeping the runs down at one end.
And now, just as the test was at its most stressful, with any a handful of runs required, the youngest member of our team passed it nervelessly. Unlike his more experienced colleagues Paddy bowled full and straight from his end and gave us a chink of light by bowling Osborn who had gone past 50 by now. He repeated the dose in the same over with the new bat and then took the final two wickets in his next. And all this just as Kempton’s 1s had arrived to hang out with Richard Inger and take the piss. The winning margin was a mere 7 runs and they melted away stealthily not wanting to be tainted by defeat.

Brilliant game of cricket. Had everything bar dodgy decision making. MOM is Paddy. His was the classic all-rounder performance. Bosh runs when needed and then bowl a nerveless spell at the death with only 13 runs to play with and four wickets needed. Three were bowled, full and straight, the other caught behind of another full and straight ball. Great stuff.

And by the way. We’re top of the division today. It may not last but it’s an achievement to be proud of.