Sledging?

In view of the ICC's landmark attempt to ban sledging, Wickman reviews some of the finest ever sledges and worries about the judgements...

1. Rod Marsh & Ian Botham: When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: "So how's your wife & my kids?" Botham is supposed to have replied along the lines that the Missus was fine but the kids weren't normal.

There's loads of potential here. Marsh would be fine but was Botham, in these times of political correctness, bringing the game into disrepute with mental health charities and disability rights groups? Wickman fine rating: 2 match ban and Botham forced to recount the story in another fourteen autobiographies which all say much the same thing but have a pop at a couple of new Australians each time a new version is released.

2. Daryl Cullinan & Shane Warne: As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had been waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him. "Looks like you spent it eating," Cullinan retorted.

Hmmm. That's definitely "weightist". Just because Shane does not eschew pies (in fact he chews a lot of them) doesn't mean he should be a target ripe for victimization! Wickman can see complaints a plenty from the fat lobby in the UK. Wickman sledging rating: 1 match ban for Cullinan and a contract for Warne with Weightwatchers to add to his other 99 endorsements. Weigh in sessions reduce his Hampshire 2008 appearances to one Sunday game. Hampshire call this "pound for pould, good value".

3. Glenn McGrath and Eddo Brandes. McGrath was bowling to the Zimbabwe number 11 - who was unable to get his bat anywhere near the ball. McGrath, frustrated that Brandes was still at the crease, wandered up during one particular over and inquired: "Why are you so fat?" Quick as a flash, Brandes replied: "Because every time I "make love to your wife", she gives me a biscuit."

Wickman says: "This is clearly very funny, but I doubt Brandes used the words "make love to". A stern ticking off here for fowl language and there's every opportunity for a successful libel action from Mrs M. Should have the Zimbabwe cricket union quaking - although if they lost the case there's no longer enough money in Zim to pay the bill. Wickman sledging rating: 3 match ban reduced on appeal to written apology which is then framed on Aus dressing room wall

4. Merv Hughes & Viv Richards: During a test match in the West Indies, Hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries. "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me? In my culture we just bowl." Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman: "In my culture we just say **** off."

This whole conversation was raci*t. Wickman sledging rating: They all look the same to me. Send them home, its the only language they understand

5. Ian Healy and Arjuna Ranatunga. Ian Healy's legendary comment which was picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney... "You don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, ****!!!

Wickman sledging rating: Ian Healy to be fined half his latest commentary fee for retrospective hypocrisy

6. James Ormond and Mark Waugh. James Ormond had just come out to bat on an Ashes tour and was greeted by Mark Waugh. MW: "**** me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here, there's no way you're good enough to play for England" JO: "Maybe not, but at least I’m the best player in my family"

On appeal Australia prove that James Ormond does have a younger sister, 12 years old at the time, who once took 10 wickets in a innings playing minor counties. Wickman sledging rating: Ormond banned for three tests which is one more than he actually played.

7. McGrath to Ramnaresh Sarwan: Glenn McGrath was watching Sarwan and Lara patting each other on the back so he said to Sarwan, "So what does Brian Lara's **** taste like?" Sarwan: "I don't know. Ask your wife."

Once again Mrs McGrath is infuriated by a slur on her character and sues all concerned. Not having made a penny out of the Brandes case (he offered to settle in chickens but Aus customs wouldn't let them in) this time she goes for Sarwan's career earnigns. Which is $14USD. Wickman sledging rating: McGrath gets off by claiming he said "kok" which is an obscure aborginal word for rice pilaf - apparently according to McGrath's attorney - Lara is noted for the preparation of this dish.

8. Ranatunga and Healy. Yet another Australian witticism with this time Sri Lankan batsman Arjuna Ranatunga the victim. Shane Warne, trying to tempt the batsman out of his crease mused what it took to get the plump character to get out of his crease and drive. Wicketkeeper Ian Healy piped up, "Put a Mars Bar on a good length. That should do it."

Po-faced executives at the obesity inducing corporation of the same name threaten to sue for brand defamation. Wickman sledging rating: After a massive cave in by the ICC, the sweet manufacturers are offered Ishant Sharma, the thinnest man in International Cricket to advertsie their wares free of charge. Someone in the corporation's press office offers Heals a lifetime supply for bringing the brand to global attention. An extension to the Channel 9 commentary box in Sydney is ordered...

9. Malcolm Marshall and David Boon. Malcolm Marshall was bowling to David Boon who had played and missed a couple of times. Marshall: "Now David, Are you going to get out now or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?"

Ricky Ponting hears this comment from square leg in a game 10000 miles away in Sydney twenty years later and reports it to the third umpire. The Australians are up in arms. Wickman sledging rating: The West Indians are not powerful enough in world cricket so they are hung out to dry. Steve Bucknor is blamed as Malcolm Marshall has died in the intervening period. Bucknor is forced to umpire IPL games in India during 2008.

Merv Hughes and umpire Harold Bird. Merv asks Dickie how man balls he has bowled that particular over. Merv: How many is that? Dickie Bird: 3 Merv: 3 gone or 3 to come? Dickie: 3 gone, 4 to come as I am going to no ball you for being a ****************

Bird gets enough material here to write a 27th book. Wickman sledging rating: Cricket lovers are condemned to read the book. Village Fete book stall owners up and down the country are forced to try to sell the resulting 250 page shocker for four consecutive years before admitting defeat and burning it, melting the ice caps