3s Fixtures List - 2007 update

Hello - here's the current confirmed fixtures list for the 3s for the rest of the season. Hon Fixtures Sec (AJ - he looks like the one on the left) is looking for further oppo to fill the gaps as Olinda Vandals (currently in the league) can't get a threes out with any regularity and Chobham have no pitch availability when we haven't either. The other league teams clash with already arranged dates Wickman thinks.

For those of you selected for this Saturday's away game, make sure you've noted this. Oh and make sure you've noticed this too. It will be useful guide to see where the 3s are currently stacking up.

We're intending to use the conference to pull fixtures together again which might mean a bit of brinkmanship occasionally. The system works by us putting up what we've got available - ie Fullers 3s standard, home game, Saturday. If there are others of a similar standard seeking a game we hook up. If not we don't. If you've any ideas about other clubs you'd like us to approach or hear of clubs looking for fixtures, give AJ or one of the committee a shout. We'd like your views - stick 'em up here if you like - about at what point in the week you'd be prepared to wait until to know if we could arrange a game. Should we be getting a side out and cancelling on Thursday at 4pm if we can't find anything closer than Ulan Bator 4ths?

2nd June - Frimley (A) 1.30pm

9th June - Thames Ditton (H) 1.30pm

16th June - Bank of England (H) 2pm

23rd June - Old Tiffinians (H) 1.30pm

30th June - Camberley (A) 1.30pm

7th July -

14th July -

21st July - Customs (H) 2pm

28th July - Merstham (H) 1.30pm

4th August -

11th August - Village XI (H) 2pm

18th August -

25th August -

1st September - Archery Tavern (H) 2pm

1s Match Report from our drowned rat specialist, Gareth

Olinda Vandals Vs Hampton Wick.

Game abandoned as OV dissolve in the rain. 4 points to The Wick.

A lady in the autumn of her life went to visit her local GP and family friend, in Todmorden, West Yorkshire. She knew she was ill but what came next was a surprise. When she asked, 'So what chance have I got', she received one of the greatest understatements ever. 'It doesn't look too good I'm afraid', replied Dr. H. Shipman.

To say that Olinda Vandals CC weren’t interested in result cricket on Saturday would be a similar understatement. Their running for the bar at the merest hint of precipitation was supplemented by an argumentative streak which said much about team spirit. Let us move on. Half a game of cricket was played and readers of this blog will be keen to know how Wick players got on.

Having learnt that tails does fail it was no surprise to find ourselves batting. In his last game for the Wick before he departs for Bangladesh Dan Lee battled out the new ball with Partner Sam MacCarther. Both were willing to wear balls and graft on a pitch that probably hadn't seen any light for a fortnight. Both showed their class when the balls were in the right areas though and saw off the new ball to give the platform for the middle order to push on. Bishop, Davies, Razzi, Hibberd, Marfleet and Cole then capitalised on their hard work to get us up to 197 of 47. Competitive on a sporting pitch with plenty of overs with which to bowl out the oppo.

Sadly OV showed no interest, on balance preferring to wait out the 4 points on offer for an abandonment where a few batting points and 2 for a winning draw to go with their bowling efforts might have been more useful at the end of the season.

When they eventually dragged themselves out to play they actually looked set for the winning draw. With the overs reduced to 35 they got themselves to 55 for 3 off 12 overs before calling it a day far too early. They had biffed, clouted and edged themselves far ahead of the run rate but showed no interest in staying out there. Eventually Matty was forced to concede the abandonment, and trudge miserably back to the Wick.

Finally from everyone at the club, good luck to Dan Lee in Bangladesh. He's only been with us a short time but we are hopeful that if/when he returns to Blighty he will come and show us a few more of those outrageous dance moves again.

Here's a picture of some rain. More than fell during the 1s game...

Funny blog to supplement Royal Cricket offerings

This blog is very funny indeed. Wickman likes it. So much so he has set up a link to it in LINKS. Wickman will allow you to tarry and to dally there...

It's called King Cricket as well. Which is like Royal Cricket. But not as good. Unless someone there is called King. In which case it would be ok. Ish.

2nd xi vs Southbank CC - Rain and vitriol affected report

HWRCC 2xi vs Southbank cc

Jackson, Goldenshower, Mackie, Fudge, Lofting, Clark, Soppitt, Crane, Greenwood, Donnelly, Lown

HWRCC 267-3 (44 overs)

Southbank 62-8 (22.something)

HWRCC "FLIPPIN MURDERED 'EM"

In this modern age of electronic communication it’s a brave soul that publishes and requests damnation. Any fule with typing fingers and a knowledge of Google can track down opprobrium. Some clubs might even use it as a motivational tool, pin a critical match report the wall and vow to do better the next time out. Who knows, if we play them again, at home, they might get a team out which would be a start. David Lloyd's famous cry of anguish neatly sums up how Wickman feels full three days after this soggy abomination drained away into a winning draw for our plucky boys.

Wickman is afraid that despite a life spent realising that Nemesis follows Hubris almost as certainly as night follows day (at his fourth birthday party he won the balloon race and proudly marched back to the starting line with the balloon tucked under his arm. It burst, of course, causing him to levitate hurriedly and it was a thin margin that prevented an embarrassing soiling of the Wickman undergarments) Wickman can’t resist a sideways swipe at Saturday’s opposition. And the sideways swipe is not a reference to the way that 50 per cent of the opposition wickets fell.

No. We’ve all got lost on the way to an opposition ground. We’ve all scrambled onto the sward breathless and tucking our shirts into our jockeys. But – and this is a big but – Wickman has never played in a side where the latest of the late arrivals has taken to the field in a natty, pointy-toed pair of slip on office shoes having ostentatiously sampled a tobacco product for five minutes before he crossed the line.

This in itself was remarkable enough to draw people to the front of the clubhouse for a quick look. But later, as the rain came down at the end of our innings, as the poor fella (who did not look like he had played much cricket) was tortured by his skipper as a boundary sweeper and could neither take off quickly in pursuit of the ball without traction or fail to overrun it when he coincided with its trajectory, it was difficult to resist a rueful smile or outright guffaw. On one particular occasion he even managed a sort of Rene Higuita fishtale kick which ensured the ball crossed the line for four. Wickman cannot describe it in any greater detail for fear his sides will split and necessitate a trip to Kingston A&E.

These guys were a shower in the dry, never mind when the heavens opened quietly before an eventual unplayable downpour dragged us from the field two wickets short of a table-dominating 20 points. Once again a thoroughly professional approach from The Wick was good enough to reduce the game to a farce which, had the opposition not bowled four extra overs in wides and no balls, would have been over before proceedings were washed away.

Wickman is sorry if this sounds harsh, but turning up with eight and condemning the make up numbers man in office shoes to SWEEP? In the WET? At least stand the guy at 1st slip so he can avoid aquaplaning. It’s not as if when conditions were at their best (dry ball, dry strip, low cloud) anyone came close to edging one to slip so you could have hidden him there, kept him more involved in the game and given him some sense of what the game is about.

Enough. Fudgey was unfortunate to lose the toss. Frankly given what we were to see later Wickman can’t imagine that 100 would have been assembled. In attempting to base our decision of what was a decent total on numbers of overs used first up, we may, in hindsight have batted too long. The 45 minutes it took to go from 160 to 260 off 44 cost us the points and the 100 runs were a luxury akin to having a 4 bedroom flat in Monaco with hot and cold running virgins. Nice to have, but not strictly necessary if you have a house in Hampton Wick, a job in London and you spend your Saturdays in Bushy Park.

AJ, spending time with us as penance for failing to assemble a big innings in the 1s, cashed in on some ordinary fare from Southbank and progressed to a really classy 67. It was a surprise when he perished. A surprise to him as a real shooter smacked into his middle stump at ankle height and a surprise to the bowler who had only just managed to locate the cut strip.

Goldy kept him company in a century opening partnership (Wickman thinks) and will not mind if it is mentioned that he did not score the lion’s share. However, in seeing off the openers and forcing the skipper to turn elsewhere he had made a great impression on the game. He eventually reached 50 by carting a full toss bowling spinner to the midwicket fence. Soon after he perished getting on with it.

Mackie and Fudgey both accumulated. Both hit trademark drives down the ground. Neither looked in any trouble until David fell across his stumps and was sent packing by a colleague who felt unable to deny the plaintive cries of the oppo. MS replaced him. Together he and Mackie milked the bowling to take us to 267 off 44 (the scorebook didn’t quite tally with the scorebox), Mackie reaching a well deserved 50. One bowler ended with the almost surreal figures, in the circumstances, of 8-?-2-16. Surreal because he bowled so many wides in his spell Clarky’s arms hurt from waving them around like a demented farm goose warding off a fox. Delboy’s scoring is to blame here. Interesting to note that in a game where four fifties were scored, the second biggest, at 57 was Southbank Extras.

Tea. DBW. The same.

The light drizzle that had soused the end of our innings continued. The Southbank skipper showed some desire for the chase and sent his boys out to have a look. His boys did not do too much looking. Dom Lown bowled one and secured a plum LBW of another to have SB less-than-10-for-2. The skipper had one shot – the open the face and glide it between keeper and gully – and employed it to reach double figures before being plum in front to a straight ball from MS.

Doc then used his experience to bowl straight balls at the rest of the SB team and four obliged by playing horrible mows and being bowled or LBW, Doc almost picking up a hat-trick were it not for the hat-trick ball being ranker than a chicken that has been left in an oven by sloppy students for eight weeks before it’s eventual discovery when the smell was so torturous that it was interfering with watching the Trent Bridge test in about 1989 (remind Wickman to tell you the story at some point).

The rain, which had become, shall we say, persistent, did for the game with them 8 down and in danger of capitulating totally to full straight bowling. Fudgey rotated the bowling skilfully and the rest of the wickets were shared around including one for Cranesy and another for Tommy. It was incredible that we got this far. The ball was like a bar of soap that has been left at the bottom of the bath for an hour. When you pick it up, you know there’s a hard bit somewhere towards the centre, but squidgy stuff oozes between your fingers… it was a tribute to our boys that they almost got the job done.

There was nothing for it but to sit around in steaming kit until there was no chance of getting out there to finish off. On small margins are such things decided. One early season rival made 179 from 52 overs and ended up having their oppo 8 down too. One run for one bonus point. Could that be vital at the end of the season? We will have to wait and see.

They weren’t a bad lot. In fact Wickman rather warmed to them despite thinking that their skipper’s interest in the game noticeably waned when he himself was out… but contrast his attitude with the oppo over at Olinda Vandals (1s) who were in the bar quicker than you could say “imnotwatchingbigbrother againdon’teventhinkaboutit” Right now though Wickman thinks we are all agreed that we can’t wait for Saturday to play a good game to its conclusion whatever the result. There’s something not quite right about abandoned games. Specially if they are this one-sided.

It’s difficult to say who was MOM on the day. AJ for his dashing 67? Doc for overcoming his ailments and distrust of group hugs to take four wickets and take us to within a whisker of the victory we craved? Too difficult I think. Let’s rather, like a purse for nearest the pin not claimed, carry it over to Saturday and see how we go.

Crossbats match report

Wickman likes this. It's very funny, despite purporting to be from a Kiwi. Read it and enjoy...

3s vs Crossbats

Wickman actually can't contain his excitement any longer. Here's the 3s team to play Crossbats. New skipper Lloydy has a squad full of runs and more bowling that you can shake a stick at. Good luck boys! 1) P. Sayce 2) J . Lloyd © 3) N. Doddy 4) D. Nicholas 5) J. Cameron 6) I. Taylorson 7) T. Robinson 8) A. Walters + 9) J. Iqbal 10) K. Laight 11) C. Moss

Wickalike

Villain from children's TV... arch inventor of games Paul Hibberd. You decide...

New security system for the Wick

It's not often I do any work. I do squeeze it in occasionally between day dreaming about cricket; reading about cricket; writing about cricket, but I try not to let it get in the way of my general cricket related activities.

So it was much to my surprise when this morning I found myself doing work - not wholly surprising given the official warning I was awarded on Tuesday for doing Wick related activities, rather than what I am actually paid to do.

My surprise reached quite thaumaturgic levels though as I searched for an image for a story about novelty cars and I stumbled across this distinguished looking gentleman and his pet - A hyena undoubtedly named Spot.

Given the troubles at the Wick over the years with vandals and break ins, I thought Spot and his gristled looking owner would be ideal candidates for Wick security. No need for an alarm system with these two about. Maybe he could even become Lord Vaders spin twin for the Sunday XI?

3rds vs Crossbats....

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Wick vs Crossbats - Club honour at stake - Other teams selected...

The second biggest match in the calendar, after President's vs Chairman's, is on on Saturday. With two league sides playing, the 3rds are playing Crossbats - our sister club. The Crossbats are well used to Kingsfield and well up for the challenge. Kirky has played a few games for the CBs so will be able to report to 3s skipper Lloydy on all their foibles... We have all the cards stacked in our favour. We will show Crossbats who IS NOT playing against them in this email. The 3s team is a closely guarded secret... you will be called... answer the call for the good of the club... and because you want to suck on the juices of a homemade burger on Sat Eve. JUICY. HWRCC 1ST XI 1) D. Lee 2) S. Mccarthur 3) M. Davies © 4) Kamran 5) P. Hibberd 6) S. Bishop 7) R. Cole 8) J. Marfleet 9) G. Jones + 10) J. Ewen 11) D. Ford HWRCC 2ND XI 1) M. Goulborn 2) A. Jackson 3) D. Fudge © 4) M. Mackie 5) M. Lofting 6) N. Clark + 7) D. Soppitt 8) A. Crane 9) T. Donnelly 10) I. Greenwood 11) D. Lown

Match Report - 3rdxi vs SR&K - by Wickman Junior

HWRCC 3rd XI v Southern Railway & Kenley 3rd XI (h) – Match Report

Team - Ewen R ©, Risman, Clough, Cameron, Wright, Hirsch, Lloyd, Copeland +, Iqbal, Nicholas, Walters, Moss.

SRK all out for 71, with Derek “You wouldn’t get pitches like this in South Africa” Nicholas taking 6 for very little. Jimmy C, Alex, Dick and Conner all sneaking a cheeky wicket each.

HWRCC 72-4; Lloydy not-out 37.

HWRCC cruises to comfortable victory as boys become men.

It’s not everyday you get to pit your cricketing prowess against Mike Tyson, George Foreman, and the three pesky kids from the Goonies, but Saturday May 20th was just such an occasion for HWRCC’s 3rd XI. To say that recently self-anointed Wickman junior (who still wonders who his father Wickman really is) has never seen anything like it before, would be akin to the reaction of Pete Townsend’s girlfriend on discovering the “pictures” folder of his PC.

While clearly not in Las Vegas on fight night Team Wick, led by Captain Dick were just as prepared as said fighters in boxing’s halcyon era, many of them having attended Fudgey’s 2s warm up and had a cheeky net. Having recovered from the initial shock of seeing the opposition, The Wick headed out onto the field (read: Hill) to bowl. With the outfield looking in need of a trim and some drastic rebalancing (for future reference, a pitch on a 45 degree angle means that it has “character” according to AJ),The Wick set about the task of tearing into the openers. Led by Derrick “I should be in the twos” Nicholas and Iqbal, the openers couldn’t buy a run.

With The Wick clearly on top in the field, Jimmy C decided to question the skipper's tactics in an unprecedented outburst. Cried Jimmy: “Why the #@% am I fielding here! We’re playing on a hill!

While Jimmy C and Dick exchanged verbals (think Ponting responding to big Dunc Fletch after being run out in Ashes ‘05), Derrick did not bat an eye lid. Taking 6 wickets in a blistering opening spell, we were soon into the tail.

It was at this point that the game ended as contest, if it hadn’t already. Out walked to the crease two pads and a helmet wearing what appeared to be an 11 year-old. Barely moving because of the weight of said gear, the young fella could only face a few deliveries before Derrick took out his middle peg.

With two further kids succumbing to Alex and Jimmy C, SRK ended on a difficult to defend 71 runs.

With a small target to chase, Wickman Junior could only see a comfortable win for HWRCC being the result. However, this confidence was ill-judged, as a nervy start of “hit or get out cricket” (right from the book of Shahid Afridi) left Wick on 11-3. The tea interval came at a welcome time for the boys.

After the tea break, Lloydy and Alex played watchfully to their opening bowlers (read: only bowlers) and only went after the loose deliveries. Lloydy batted like a younger version of Greame Hick and with the assistance of Alex, guided the 3s home to a comfortable victory.

Jimmy C later commented on the farcical ending, which saw one of the little blokes getting whacked for two fours in a row by Lloydy, as a “dark day for English cricket”. But then Jimmy C is a bit lively…

After the game, the opposition was invited for a couple of swift brews at Wick HQ. Sadly, given that it is illegal to sell booze to minors, this was unfortunately neither possible nor wise.

Yours in Wick,

Wickman Junior

Complaining

Bring it on. Anything wrong with the club? Things you want fixed? Moaning quietly but not being heard? We're two weeks in to the season and there's plenty of time to get your old tankard out, a framed facsimile of your biggest inning on the wall or just a different kind of loo roll. email nickc@consol.co.uk. It's not as if Clarky has anything much on.

Matty's Sunday Report

May 20th, home ss Neapotists The Sunday team suffered its first defeat of the season, losing by 40 runs to a decent Nepotists xi. Having to chase 217 off 40 overs on a difficult track proved just beyond the young and inexperienced side who despite some impressive performances and some aggressive strokeplaying, were always playing catch up, and the result was a fair one. Skipper Davies was left with the invidious task of having to find 3 players at midday on the Sunday. He was buoyed by Copeland the greater who managed to find me Sam and Steve - two colts coaches, and a young 12-year old James Madoc-Jones - fresh from a red-inked 50 runs in the morning. Davies was confident, as always. The toss was a formality. We were going to field first whaever happened. I insisted. Young Iqbal, perhaps the keenest cricketer since Matt Goldbrush was a colt, opened up with Master Hibberd, who looked and smelt distinctly worse for wear following antics that shall remain guarded in secrecy the previous evening (being generous there in more ways than one). Nepotists took the attack to us and moved serenely along at 4s, the opener employing a strong bottom hand and using his feet to good effect. Davies followed Iqbal and bowled some tight lines mixed in with some lovely half trackers which were dispatched with aplomb. Steve followed Hibberd and bowled a similar mix. Copeland the greater came on with Marfleet and the spin twins slowed the rate, picking up a few crucial wickets. A Davies double then accounted for the middle order before their best player (clearly a bowling all rounnder of 1xi standard came to the wicket and played like a true batsman, driving through the off side with aplomb and ease. Copeland the younger was again excellent behind the sticks and the fielding was aggressive, especially from Young James Madock-Jones who despite his 4ft frame flew himself about like a salmon, and also has an impressive arm. In response some tight lines restricted the openers run-wise, before the pressure told on Sam who unfortunately ran out Lloyd. Such is cricket. Hibberd came to the crease but didnt last as the aforementioned antics appeared to have taken their toll. Sam then fell, dricing to cover leaving Davies and young Joe Hirsch to start clocking up some runs with the score at 28-3. Young Hirsch looked confident and played some lovely drives through the off side before falling to tight lines. James Madock-Jones played a similar innings, keen to hit the ball as oppsed to prod to meekly, he also timed the ball beautifully a number of times, finding gaps and enjoying himself. It soon became apparent however that the total was going to be too much and when Davies was joined by Marfleet that there were two games of cricket here. What should be done, and was was going to be done. Boundaries were the more appealing prospect, and a number of lofted striaght hits threatened to make the target achieveable, but when the aforementioned decent bat came on, who happened to be a decent medium fast bowler, it was clear that Neapotists were going to win. Copeland the lesser looked excellent against the quicky, despite his frequent conversations with me that he was sh*tting himself. Davies didnt care and employed the unleash on numerous occasions, keen to score boundaries rather than run 2s. The wick ended up on 180-odd, with Davies scoring 79. MOM goes to The Copelands, firstly for helping me out in an hour of need, and secondly for Harry's excellent keeping (Matrix) and brave batting in the face of 1XI sharp bowling - and a plethora of aussie chirp thrown in for good measure. Well played Neapotists, deserving winners.

Wandgas Photos

Wandgas Photos

PIctures from Wandgas

Wandgas Vs HWRCC 1st XI

HWRCC team:

Mackie | Cole | Davies* | Razi | Bishop | Hibber | Forbes | Crane | Jones+ | Ewen | Ford

Wandgas won the toss and elected to field.

HWRCC - 197/7 off 50

Davies 46 | Hibberd 34 | Razzi 32 | Forbes 28*

Kriel 4/52

Wandgas - 165/7 off 45

Wraight 41 | Hobart 33

Ewen 3/37 | Razzi 2/27

Winning Draw in favour of Hampton Wick Royal Cricket Club

With TMS in it's 50th year of live cricket commentary forgive me ths week if I beg steal and borrow the words of one of one it's tide mark orators. The man of the imperishable voice. Answers on an email please. (gruffjones@hotmail.com)

Cricket is not a matter of endings. It flows; as a season ends in one country, a fresh one begins in another. Cricketers rarely think in terms of endings; that is why they find them so bitter. It is a matter of people and places; nowhere more so than in the steady trundle round the English leagues, so warm with associations. That circuit, a sequence of calendars, similar but not the same, is the circulation of the blood of cricket. To some it seems monotonous; but it is not; no season is the same as the one before; always there is some degree of change, essentially of progress, as the game falls into step with the community that supports it.

Having skipped out of Fullers League Two relatively quickly we face many new teams and new challenges this year, but a game against Wandgas so early in the season was like a security blanket, lightly perfumed with familiarity. We knew what to expect as did they, whilst also knowing they would provide new challenges, but having beaten them last year it was a game we approached with relish.

Indeed the familiarity did not end there, as once again at their ground we lost the toss and were invited to bat. Mackie and Cole opened up, for the Wick and it was quickly realised that it was going to be a slow track that would be hard to score on as Cole was trapped LBW trying to force a ball off the back foot.

Davies joined Mackie and looked circumspect as he looked to build the innings slowly. Meanwhile Mackie was starting to add some sumptuous drives square of the wicket to his resolute defence. One cover drive was the stroke of a man knocking a thistle top off with a walking stick.

Eventually Mackie (18) was duped into chasing a ball that was just a bit wider and he edged behind. The bowler Singh, had a curious run up with slightly bent knees, like Groucho Marx chasing a pretty waitress.

Things became turgid for a long period as Razi and Davies sought the foundations from which to attack. Both played with a great price on their wicket. Even when choosing the aerial route there was an air of certainty that the shot was definately on. The score ticked on slowly to around the 120 mark, until in the 35th over when skipper Davies decided with wickets in hand it was time to push on. The plan didn't work though as he mistimed the ball straight to mid-off and departed for 46.

Bishop departed in similar fashion for 5 as even his brute force wasn't enough to force the ball and the pitch to do anything beyond their lethargic embrace. Hibby brought up from the 2's to add some joie d'vivre to the batting line up, after Webbo cried off at the 11th hour, then gave the innings the impetus it required as Kam tired, having compiled 32 of the hardest to come by runs he will probably make all year.

When Kam fell caught in the deep, Mike Forbes (28*) joined Hibby(34) and suddenly 200 looked a real proposition as Davies weighed up whether to use the full allotment of overs. Both took advantage of the work done by the top order and the score suddenly galloped to 197 off 50, despite losing Hibby and Crane (0) late on. Matty decided that was enough, not wanting to starve his bowlers of time to force a victory and exuded a confidence that suggested he believed that whilst not a massive score, 197 was going to be a tough total.

Whilst the umpires and scorers did the a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator to work out the possible win/lose/draw scoring permeatations, the two sides tucked into tea. I can't mark it this week as I didn't have any. Please add your marks in the comments section below.

In reply Wandgas started with due caution. Ford and Ewen began the Wicks search for 10 wickets. Ford did not have the best of days as the ball under fluctuating skies showed him the kind of distain a young boy shows for his teenage babysitter.

Meanwhile, with the wind and sun on his back Ewen bowled like a shire-horse on the crest of a wave. Removing Vincent and number 3 McClean in quick succession he bowled superbly. One over to Wraight was quite simply too good. Moving the ball away with delicate variations in pace, the Wangas opener who went on to make a fine 41 was wrapped up in string and flung out for the cats to play with.

Razi and Bishop replaced the openers and with the keeper up to the stumps continued to keep things tight. When Wraight was eventually trapped LBW by Razi, Gnanaskandan and Hobart started to rebuild the innings. As these two began to work the ball around all results were possible. Gnanaskandan played especially well, timing the ball as well as anyone had all day. When he got a absolute shooter though, Razi roared his delight like a lion announcing his kill on the Serengety.

With Hobart (33) starting to find some fluency and the big hitting Palmer at the crease Davies gave his bowlers protection. With Mackie sweeping the larger of the two boundaries and Bishop on the other, the 178 required for the winning draw and the 198 required for the victory looked achievable but not without great risk. Eventually Mackie relieved himself in front of the Pavillion after a poking from the exuberant Chelsea fans at the ground.

Meanwhile the Wick skipper turned to the off-spin of Cole, and brought back Ewen. This all but sealed the game as Cole trapped Hobart straight in front and Ewen had Palmer well caught by Bishop. Ford also picked up the late wicket of Wandgas skipper Singh caught at point by the nearly (TFC) man Crane, but the vultures were standing in line for a draw.

Despite being slow and occasionally low, it was not a results pitch in 95 overs. Batsman from both sides played with patience. The game was very similar to last years and although the win eluded their grasp the Wick deserved the positive result and shouldn't be too dissapointed by the result. Controlled batting, good tight bowling, especially from Ewen, and excellent fielding shows the side are growing into the season.

Maybe most encouraging of all this weekend was the strength in the Wick squad. Despite 20+ players unavailable, there was still enough in the tank for the 1's to claim the Lion's share of the points, the 2's to smash and grab 20 points, and the 3's coast to victory.

WICK Photos to follow shortly

The Wright Stuff

Wickman is delighted to hear from Mrs Wright (Emma) that she and Alex are shortly to move house over towards AJ's manor.

This is good news for Wickman who is reeling from the news that he was no longer the holder of the title "closest to The Wick".

Unfortunately it turns out that Wickman wasn't second closest to The Wick as Hilly

alledges he lives closer as well. Shocking.

HWRCC 2xi vs Wandgas 2xi - Match Report

HWRCC 2xi vs Wandgas 2xi (h) - Scorecard

Lofting, Tideswell, Fudge*, High, Clark +, Soppitt, Donnelly, Taylorson, Noor, Lown, Goodwin

Wandgas 92 all out Soppitt 5-0-5-11, Goodwin 13-6-1-13 HWRCC 93-4 Clark 29*, Lofting 25

HWRCC grind out excellent victory

Those of you with young children will be used to Scooby Doo. For the purists, only the older episodes will do. The original theme tune, no Scrappy Doo and a Daphne that stirred strange longings in even pre-pubescent young men (despite ginger hair) are a potent recipe even now.

In Scooby Doo, you will remember, 4 youths (the aforementioned Daphne, Fred – a strange cravat wearing graduate, a loser stoner called Shaggy and an ugly bowl headed “intelligent” one called Velma) and the eponymous dog Scooby who, unusually for a canine, can talk in short sentences, are driving around in a van. No one knows why. No one knows why anyone entertains them. What do they do in real life? How do they earn an income? What relationship do they have with each other? If they aren’t related, who is chaperoning Fred and Daphne?

Anyway. Threre’s a mystery each week that Fred and the team have to solve. Usually Shaggy and Scooby, both of whom must be constantly wrecked, have to eat halfway through the story. So it’s much like a game of Wick cricket. The mystery yesterday was what Wandgas had done with their 2s.

An obviously understrength Wandgas were inserted and soon found themselves approximately 6-2. Tommy D ripped out one of their openers who played no stroke to one that cut back and hit his off stump via his pad. Skipper Fudgey swooped on a quick single and threw down the stumps at the bowler’s end with a direct hit from an acute angle to dismiss the other. They were soon in even more trouble as Billy swung one back to remove Number 4 LBW. They had mustered 11-3.

A decent partnership for the fourth wicket made a game of it as the Number 3, Bash (no kidding) assembled 34 runs mostly through point and between the posted slips and the gully. Their No 5, Winslade, had an early altercation with Clarky – who employed a limited vocabulary in the exchange – and displayed the only really obvious batting technique on the day. However he came up against Ted Goodwin in majestic form. Ted bowled wicket to wicket stuff, occasionally beating both bats off the pitch, and conceding only 13 runs from 11 overs. That Ted only took one wicket – digging one in against the number three who tamely patted it back – was because he was simply too good and all the bats could do was pat him back up the pitch despite Fudgey setting them a field which encouraged them to pay through the V.

The Wick’s quick over rate and rapid changes of ends meant that 20 overs were bowled in the first hour and the game got away from Wandgas. When Delboy was introduced to the attack, as is usual the opposition’s eyes lit up like the quiz machine in the bar. A couple of muscular slogs resulted while Delboy found his line and then, in four overs of mayhem he took a five-for to destroy the Wandgas lower order.

His first removed the barnacle-like Winslade who had laboured for three quarters of an hour for 8. Attractive flight confused him and he yorked himself, the ball knocking back the middle stump. No 7 was not a batsman. He poked around for a couple of balls before edging behind to a grateful Clarky to give Del two wickets in his second over. No 6 perished bowled round his legs a la Shane Warne. No 8 was caught by the same fielder, Clarky’s arm telescoping out to snare a good catch like Inspector Gadget. No 9 also found a way to get bowled. Absolute carnage. Lownsy, last week’s man of the match and opening bowler, was tossed the cherry as fourth change and bowled their No 10 who was making no bones about the fact that he couldn’t bat. No 11 didn’t trouble the scorers, facing, as he did, no balls.

An absolutely ruthless performance in the field served up Wandgas on a plate. The only catches offered were accepted with glee. Fudgey’s run-out was phenomenal and killed their innings before it got going. All the bowlers put the ball on the spot, Ian Taylorson getting some encouraging movement through the air, with Ted and Delboy taking the lion’s share of the plaudits.

So back to the Scooby Doo metaphor. With half the episode in the bag, we were beginning to see a pattern emerging. This Wandgas team was an imposter! This correspondent believed that the No 11, of West Indian descent, must be a pacy fast bowler. Indeed not. He donned the leg-guards and some frankly brutally red keeper’s gloves and took up station behind the stumps. He was definitely in disguise, and very scary. Anything down the leg-side became byes – 1,2 or 4 – and throughout our innings extras kept the scoreboard ticking over nicely. Clarky began to suspect that it was the wicket-keeper who had done it…

MS and Nevil Tideswell (having a pleasant weekend down South) opened our account. The two openers were decentish, one bowling big induckers the other bowling wicket to wicket. Nev’s rustiness was exposed early and he was bowled by one of the aforementioned induckers. Fudgey replaced him and was undone by a good slip catch against the same bowler. Charlie was bowled by one from the other end which cut back off the pitch. So far not so good. The Wick subsided to 28-3.

However Clarky joined MS and together they set about the flagging openers both particularly brutal on anything short. The change bowlers were not of the class of the opening pair (again they were dressed up as cricketers but were probably in disguise) and MS began to enjoy himself against them one or two lofted shots into the leg side for four recalling his salad days. There were to be no further real alarms as both proceeded comfortably to twenty-something. MS did perish when one stopped on him and he lobbed it to cover, but that only brought a beaming Del to the wicket who assembled a rapid 8 runs to win the game and with it the coveted MOM.

The opposition packed their bags and left as soon as they possibly could. They had descended into bickering in the field and using choice language to refer to each other. This continued as they left the ground. The mystery of the missing cricket team was resolved later. Apparently many of their players are Chelsea supporters so they had gone to the FA Cup final. There were 8 changes from the previous week. Good. Thanks for the points. They will, at full strength, probably do us a favour by beating other teams in the league. Thanks for that too. Frankly boys, the disguises as cricketers didn’t quite work. With two players batting in white T-shirts, one donning a hooded top to field, you weren’t convincing…

DBW provided the Scooby snacks (7/10 – addition of pate sandwiches – unusual but much admired).

MOM Delboy pictured here with jug. TFC Tidy… pictured here with some new duck friends.

Post Lunch Weariness

Wickman would never be the one to cast the first stone, being, as he is, a great sinner. We've all experienced that post-lunch lull from time to time at the cricket. Normally, Wickman has to say, shortly before tea. In Wickman's defence it is usually just a cat nap to prepare his agile mind and drinking glands for a new assault on a bottle of Chateau Urine du Chat or even a couple of pints of Wife Beater. This cove, Wickman's neighbour at the cricket, hit a slump in form unusually early. Whether this was something to do with England only managing 20 runs in the first hour or just due to the advancing demands of age, this fella who bears a striking resemblance to a young Clement Freud, checked out the inside of his eyelids at round about 11.30am before the advent of the champagne. Oh dear...

Scenes of Lords - The Ground

Wickman goes to Lords

0900 - blog about going to Lords

0915 - take precautionary dump - no one likes the loos at Lords

1000 - attend local off licence, purchase bottle of champagne

1005 - hold arm horizontally to attract Hackney Carriage

1006 - engage cabbie in lively banter re cricket

1007 - ostentatiously take imaginary phone call when realise that cabby likes Chris Tavare

1010 - run out of fake things to say to imaginary caller

1011 - talk to cabby about football

1020 - arrive Lords

1027 - beat off over enthusiastic bag searchers

1031 - arrive seat

1032 - begin to get agitated about when decent to have first alcohol

1033 - start sweating due to 1032 issues

1034 - notice chap on the other side of the ground through binocs who has opened champagne

1035 - open champagne, careful to spill some on bloke in front who has brought noisy child

1036 - immediate response from grateful liver

1037 - engage fella to the right in conversation so as not to have to do it again during day

1040 - play

1041 - more champagne

1042 - more champagne

1043 - more champagne until

1200 - cleansing lager

Repeat 'til close of play

Enlgand lose the toss

Well after a meagre 46 overs with the red rock since their last test match last year, an undercooked West Indies will have been very relieved when their new skipper Ramnaresh Sarwan called right and unsurprisingly said, 'we'll have a bowl'.

Of course they would not have been wary of Monty or should that be Muddy Panesar on such a morning. Harmison who has caused so many nightmares for West Indian batsman in recent years, is more likely to get stuck in the pitch and Flintoff is of course out injured. No the man they would have been keen to avoid is Hoggard, or should that be Bananaman. The king of the swingers would have been itching to bowl this morning. As Mike Selvey commented this morning a swing bowlers favourite colours are green and grey.

Team News - Saturday 17 May

So here are Saturday's teams. Despite shocking availability due to exams we've put three strong sides out again. That's THREE sides Gentlemen. Hardly a university student amongst them. The skippers tell Wickman that selection meetings have been lively and heated even this weekend when there are more 1s players unavailable than you'd ideally want. In fact the unavalable 11 would be phenomenal. Try: MacArthur, Lee, O'Mahoney, AJ, Gatesy, Stephens +, Goldy, Zammak, Whinney, Marfleet and Adams. Sniff, as AJ so famously said, that. And Wickman could pick another 11 which you would be happy to call a 2nd xi as well. Those playing 3s this weekend should note that your opposition are in the league we'll be entering next year. A proper thirds team. AJ has also arranged 6 more fixtures (Wickman thinks) against sides from that league to go alongside the 6 or so fixtures we already have confirmed. And there are more on the way so we may well deliver 16 3s fixtures this year. It would be useful if someone were to stick their hand up to commit to the captaincy for the season... Be under no illusion that the club is stronger at the moment than at any time since perhaps 2002 and that there's going to come a time fairly shortly where the outcome of selection meetings may not be to everyone's liking. Keep taking the pills Gentlemen because Wickman reckons the club is in rude health. Good luck and see you on Saturday to those who are playing. Wandgas 1st XI v HWRCC 1st XI (a) Cole, Mackie, Davies ©, Kamran, Bishop, Forbes, Crane, Jones +, Ewen J, Ford, Webster 12:15pm – Meet at the ground – Worcester Park. Contact Matty D if you have transport issues 13:30pm – Start Umpire – J. Tilley Scorer – A. Whitcher HWRCC 2nd XI v Wandgas 2nd XI (h) Lofting, Hibberd, Fudge ©, High, Clark +, Soppitt, Taylorson, Donnelly, Goodwin, Noor, Lown 12:00pm – Meet 13:30pm – Start Umpire – F. Lippitt HWRCC 3rd XI v Southern Railway & Kenley 3rd XI (h) Ewen R ©, Risman, Clough, Cameron, Wright, Hirsch, Lloyd, Copeland +, Iqbal, Nicholas, Moss / Walters TBC 13:00pm Meet 13:30pm Meet

Hampton Wick 1st XI Vs Kempton

Davies*, MacArthur, Lee, Razzi, Bishop, Jackson, Cole, Forbes, Ewen, Jones, Webster.

Hampton Wick won the toss and elected to field.

Kempton 134 all out. Ewen 7-30 Razzi 3-21 Dows 48

HWRCC 136/4 Razzi 42 Bishop 30* Porter 2-33

HWRCC won by 6 wickets

Kempton were quite aggrieved as Bishop knocked off the last couple of runs to sink them to a 6 wicket loss. Kempton felt it had all come down to the toss of a coin, and that the Wick's sticky wicket favoured the side batting second. Granted the wicket was as lively as King Herod in an Early Learning Center, but the way they approached their innings defied belief.

Joe Ewen bowled well for his 7-30, but he will bowl better this season without such handsome rewards. From the very first ball when opener Watts flayed a ball which threatened little, to Dan Lee at point, you wondered whether Kempton had walked out to bat with their eyes closed, and not felt the puddles splash up their legs. When the Kempton skipper followed soon after in almost identical fashion, again to Lee at point Joeys began to taste blood and rather liked it.

Dows and Ricks then began to rebuild the Kempton innings and mixed aggression with a willingness to wear the snorter. They were brutal on anything shy of length and HWRCC bowled too short on a day crying out for a full length.

A thought must be spared for every bowler who bowled from the the Millenium Wood End, as the wind was strong enough to produce Acme style facial distortion, and made a measured run up a bag of liquorice allsorts. With the wind at his back though Joey finished his opening salvo following a rain break with the wicket of Ricks for 39.

Kamran replaced Joey and Barrell did likewise for Webster. Kamran got his reward for patient and disciplined bowling, removing the Kempton 5 and 6 before finally coaxing Dows (48) to give further catching practice to Dan at point. His fourth catch at point and to be honest I was beginning to wonder if I shouldn't give him the gloves and move to point myself just to see some action.

With Dows gone Davies showed no hesitation in bringing Joey back into the attack to finish proceedings. Joey duly obliged and did what all good fast bowlers should and mopped up the tail with a minimum of fuss. Matty D's insistence that every over would be his last obviously had the required affect and it was akin to watching a hunter taking out ducks with stinger missiles as they come in to land on a park pond. Kempton 134 all out and it was HWRCC who went into tea the happier XI.

You are all familiar with DBW's tea so I won't offer a mark. Although I think he should be docked half a point every time he produces a clone of the week before and a half added every time he makes our eyes bulge with surprise.

As alluded to earlier Kempton felt the Wick had the easier of the batting conditions, but the way the top three approached the chase showed more than an ounce of thought and skill. Sam MacArthur and Dan Lee prodded and left, determined not to throw away their wicket as the ball continued to skip, and dart around. Even when Dan timed a ball beautifully off his legs through mid-wicket and into the car park neither got carried away.

Eventually Sam (14) was undone by a ball that reared off a length but Matty came in a continued with fervent application. Dan (16) followed soon after to bring in Kam, who played what he described as one of his most determined innings, despite his best efforts to run Matty out, who eventually fell for 14. The hard work had been done though as the ball was now soft, the wicket slightly drier, and the openers seen off.

Barrell joined Kam and their partnership of 58 was a lesson in application and patience from these normally free scoring batsman. Kam certainly rode his luck on more than one occasion, but the their gamble to go over the top against the older ball, allowed them to then pick the singles as the field spread. With plenty of overs to spare, all his team mates were dissapointed to see Kam fall short of his 50, but AJ came in and finished the job with Barrell with a minimum of fuss.

A couple TFC's, but this was because of a very good performance of Joey and the top order doing their job. Still a slightly rusty performance in the field but the team spirit was as evident as ever and everyone will have to opportunity to stick their hands up and make telling performances as the season moves on.

Also from everyone in the squad a huge congratulations to the 2's for not only getting their game on but winning it so well. You can't ask for any more than a Wick Wash.

The best view from space EVER

2s Match Report - vs Ewhurst

Ewhurst 2xi vs HWRCC 2xi

Fudge*, Clark +, Hibberd, Mackie, Lown, Crane, Taylorson, Hill, Donnelly, Soppitt, High

Ewhurst 76 All out John Hill 3-11 Dominic Lown 2-23 HWRCC 80-2 Mackie 31*

There was a point at approximately 11.30am on Saturday when Clarky was considering suicide. Having spent the morning ironing his jockstrap, refolding his socks and polishing the studs on his boots, the news that Ewhurst wanted to call the game off two hours before the scheduled start time was too much to bear.

The league rule book was consulted and the decision taken that we should at least turn up, have a look for ourselves and decide whether it was worth hanging around until the latest possible start time to see if we could get a game in.

A convoy was assembled. Cranesy, chav naved up, headed us off down the A3 via some gnarly traffic jams in Kingston. Go via Hampton Court next time Cranesy or... Anyway it then absolutely hosed down. There were ducks which took one look at the rain and decided they were better off indoors watching Grandstand. We reached Ewhurst, having undertaken what felt like a stage of the RAC Rally only to be surprised by an outfield which was playable and a square which, with a bit of luck, a strong cross breeze and no more rain, would be definitely playable by 2.30.

Spirits were raised. Playing at Ewhurst is a rare pleasure in the Fuller’s League. A village ground, complete with duck pond, cottages and houses bordering the boundary and a sleepy B road along which at one point a horse and trap made stately progress, is almost as attractive a proposition as our own Wick. Plus the refresments, with ham prepared by a local butcher only a day or so earlier, were of a standard which will be difficult to find again this year. The tea was strong enough to suit even those that like it the colour of Scooby Doo. 8/10.

To the cricket. The wicket had dried sufficiently by the start time to be reasonably one paced from the off. Tommy D and Dommy L opened up and grew into impressive rhythm. Their skipper, Greenaway, decided to hit the ball hard and straight and anything pitched up, went. The opening partnership had them rattling along at 5. Not the bright start to the season anticipated by seasoned Wickmen. However he was sawn off when Dom brought one back. There was, according to some observers, a hint of bat and it was evident that the decision was not well thought of. However, Tommy D removed the No 3 in the same fashion with a rapid Yorker which was much less debateable.

The other opener, Arrowsmith, was circumspect and only essayed attacking shots when the ball was pitched up or sufficiently wide of off stump for him to be certain it wasn’t coming back. This was the right approach in the circumstances and despite a slice of fortune when he was put down at point, he largely mastered the conditions to assemble Ewhurst’s top score of 27. Tommy D was replaced by John Hill for his first bowl for many months. However as the runs were drying up the pressure got to No 4 who skied an attempted pull back to Hill. John went on to take 3 wickets, bowling two more bats to enjoy a thoroughly satisfactory comeback game finishing with 7-3-11-3.

At the other end Dommy was turning in an excellent performance. As his line improved, so it became more and more difficult to get him away. Eventually slightly more lift saw No 5 shovel one up in the air in the direction of short leg, a sprightly Clark alert enough to make the ground to pouch the catch with little fuss but perhaps over-exuberant celebration. Dom finished with excellent figures of 12-3-23-2 easily picking up MOM.

Hibby eventually replaced Dom to allow him to recover from his exertions. An amount of loud chat ensued designed to convince the batsman that he was a spinner. Three fireballs later and the poor lad was back in the hutch, bowled, much bemused and muttering “I thought he was a spinner”. With little batting left, Arrowsmith sought to get after the bowling and took a number of strides down the wicket to attempt to smite, like an ancient warrior, the opposition into the wilderness. No smiting resulted though as he failed to connect. Clark gathered and removed the bails.

This brought to the wicket a cricketer so diminutive that he was batting with a size 4 bat and the stumps dwarfed him. Hibby tossed his last ball up and it was stoutly and robustly defended. John was unable to remove the No 9 at the other end so it was clear that to remove this junior Trevor Bailey, guile would needs be employed. Del was brought on, flighted a couple of beauties, and following some confusion and Matrix skills, Clark was able to stump a second victim. Ewhurst all out for 76 from approximately 40-2.

The performance in the field, perfectly marshalled by skipper Fudge, was, if not top drawer then certainly the next drawer down. Three catches were grassed – one a running effort that went to ground the second at the wicket off an under edge and the third by Cranesy leaping like a plate of smoked salmon to spill one over his shoulder. None was straightforward. Clark stood up for all but the opening balls from each bowler adding additional pressure and forcing the bats to remain rooted to the spot. He amused all by falling over in collecting a throw and demolishing the stumps to such an extent that they weren’t straight again in the game. Keanu Reeves eat your heart out.

Our reply was brisk and business like, the target achieved in 12.1 overs. Three sixes were hit, the best a pick up over the pavilion by Mackie that was effortless. Hibby and Cranesy perished “getting on with it” leaving Mackie to make the only sizeable score for the Wick – useful red ink improving his lifetime average a percentage point or two. High remained not out, one giant six over long off his major contribution. Clark was left padded up with nowhere to go for the second year running at Ewhurst. Ian T achieved an unfortunate TFC, Ewhurst running out of batting just before he was employed.

All in all a very positive start for the 2s under Fudgey this year. Job done, 20 points and back to the Wick to find the 1s had applied the coup de grace to their oppo to cement a Wickwash on the first weekend of the season. Some more time with the willow would perhaps have been of benefit, but, frankly, 20 points are 20 points.

Rain, rain go away or why Wickman hates May

There’s something about May that is like a time-warp for cricketers. Doesn’t matter how old you are, but the day before a game, usually a Friday these days, a huge depression, a massive black dog, a staggeringly intense fugue swallows you up and drags you down under the waves if its raining.

There’s almost nothing worse in the game than day-before-rain. Especially if you are away. Wickman is playing away (in the cricketing sense) tomorrow. How do you judge the rainfall that you can see outside when you have so little experience of the oppo’s facilities?

In this particular case Wickman is off to deepest Surrey. But how deep? Deep enough that a weather system which has turned central London into something as damp as a fat girl’s gusset might just brush by and leave the oppo’s square as crisp as the well used handkerchief that you find in the pocket of a jacket you haven’t worn since you got that awful cold in February?

Wickman has spent all day, when he hasn’t had to deal with client traumas, trying to gauge how damp the oppo’s facilities will be. Firstly, looking at a geographer’s map of rock types, there’s a chance that the particular village Wickman is visiting could be on clay. Perhaps. It’s Surrey. It’s not built on the cricketer’s friend, the chalky havens of the North Downs. Which is bad. Every fule kno that clay does not absorb water.

No. From memory this one was low lying. It had a pond next to it. And a ditch. Ponds and ditches are, even in these days of global warming (where’s that when you need it? What’s the point of a searingly hot April if you get a sodden May?) places where water collects. And unless some oaf has created a pond from so much cement and used a hose, it’s an indication that 1) precipitation is an issue and 2) It doesn’t tend to disperse.

Wickman reckons the outfield, in a steamy July, was pretty much a mixture of grass and seaweed. Which makes him think, in his Friday evening paranoia, that this particular cricket club is probably within the tidal reach of some major South Eastern river and is, even now, under six foot of water with some local types trying to surf an unseasonal bore which flows from Pavillion to sleepy B road.

Then Wickman is thinking that it’s been SUCH a dry April that, all things considered, the place is like blotting paper. The rain of the last few weeks will have been gobbled up by grass roots thirstier than a man who’s tried a four day dessert crossing with nothing more in his rucksack than a packet of Smiths Crisps (the ones with the blue packet of salt) and mistakenly shaken the salt over the crisps when he got hungry and is now contemplating drinking his own urine. Neat.

And that’s why it’s a timewarp. Because Wickman can remember being 10 and desperate to play for the u11s the following day. Or 15, having been picked for the school 1s and knowing that he can wear his whites and blazer to lessons in the morning and get off double maths because the game starts at 11.30. Or thirty-two (ahem) and hoping that a game is on against Ewhurst and knowing that probably, given the fact that the sky looks like the same colour as John Major’s oldest underpants, its about to rain like it never has before and that religious types will be buying large quantities of wood and raiding pet shops for pairs of rare animals.

May. Wickman has nothing good to say about May.

West Indies. This summer’s Bangladesh?

Wickman’s first ever trip to Lords was undertaken to watch the Windies. It was a one day game in the early 90s Wickman thinks. Those were the days when you could still work yourself up into a frenzy at the thought of watching Calypso batting by the Windies and Collapso batting by our lot in the face of giant psychopaths trying to commit legalised GBH. We’d even taken to trying to find our own ersatz versions of West Indian bowlers – I think we were trying out Sid Lawrence that day. Time was you’d have given the West Indies a five test series in high summer culminating in a pulsating Oval Test where four or five snarling fast bowlers would attempt to knock honky heads off in front of 25000 adoring fans. Packed houses would fashion percussion instruments out of cans, bottles, stones or anything they could lay their hands on and the volume level would be extraordinary as some lethal fast bowler or other would sprint in to the wicket and deliver leather and cork at English throats. Someone would ruin England’s summer every time without fail. Avoiding a blackwash became noteworthy. Michael Holding. Joel Garner. Malcolm Marshall. Curtley Ambrose. Just the sight of them would have English bats hanging out the willow to dry. Going abroad didn’t help. Someone would take you for a world record with the bat, or someone else would spread your nose across your face for you. Now? Nothing worth watching is there? Stick ‘em in the calendar in May and June. Only give them four tests. Can’t sell five. None of the games will go the full five days without the weather intervening anyway. Seems a bit harsh does it? Not really. The best we have on offer is Gayle, Sarwan and Chanderpaul. Hardly great names to inspire in the tradition of the Carrib greats… and don’t get Wickman started on the bowlers because he hasn’t got a clue who they are. The 6 foot something giants of yesteryear are off playing basketball and have been replaced by 5 11 pop guns with Napoleon syndrome. There’s more menace in the commentary teams… Contacts permitting Wickman will still be at Lords on the Friday, no doubt full of champagne and pricey lager by lunchtime, replete by mid afternoon with M&S meats and desperately trying to soak it all up with tea cakes in the afternoon to avoid being hungover for Wick cricket the following day. But this time he’ll be going to watch the English.

Selection - Saturday May 12th

The teams are out for Saturday. Slight issue at the moment in that we are still seeking opposition for the 3s but Hon Fix Sec is onto it with the conference and Woodmansterne who don't have a 3s league fixture this weekend. The 1s have got a strong line up for Kempton. The 2s are equally strong for their visit to Ewhurst which is so far away it makes the Middlesex league look like an attractive proposition. Last year convoy leader Davies took more u-turns than an indecisive politician. Wickman is looking forward to the return of John Hill to strengthen the bowling. The 3s look almost too good although word reaches us that Sissen B may be thinking of sitting this one out only to play AGAINST the Wick on Sunday. SHURELY SHOME MISHTAKE?

HWRCC 1xi vs KEMPTON C.C

1) S. Mccarthur 2) D. Lee 3) M. Davies (c ) 4) K. Razi 5) S. Bishop 6) A. Jackson 7) R. Cole 8) M. Forbes 9) J. Ewen 10) G. Jones + 11) L. Webster

Meet @ HWRCC – 12:00

Start @ HWRCC – 13:30

Umpire: J. Tilley

Scorer: A. Witcher

EWHURST vs HWRCC 2xi

1) M. Mackie 2) P. Hibberd 3) D. Fudge © 4) C. High 5) N. Clark + 6) D. Soppitt 7) A. Crane 8) I. Taylorson 9) T. Donnelly 10) J. Hill 11) D. Lowns

Meet @ HWRCC – 11:30

Start @ Ewhurst – 13:30

Umpire: F. Lippitt

TBC vs HWRCC 3xi

1) A. Risman 2) B. Sissen © 3) D. Ewen 4) D. Clough 5) P. Sayce 6) D. Nicholas 7) J. Cameron 8) M. Man 9) J. Lloyd 10) A. Walters + 11) K. Laight

Meet @ HWRCC – TBC

Start @ TBC – TBC

Tresco – yes or no?

Should Marcus Trescothick be back playing for England next week at Lords? Wickman thinks not. While Wickman is a big fan of Banger, there are too many good reasons not to have him back just yet. The 185 he has just assembled against Northants is not quite the innings it seems. Of those lined up against him in anger, only Monty Panesar could be said to be a first choice international bowler. And the pitch is a belter. He has hardly had the world’s finest nibbling away round about the top of off waiting for him to waft one to four piranhas and a gully. The only reason anyone’s asking is down to Vaughany’s latest injury. The curse of the poppadom fingers has hit England again – but bringing back someone with a poppadom mind isn’t the answer. Alistair Cook is due to return to the side – he’s a more than adequate replacement against the West Indies. The West Indies without Brian Lara don’t have a prayer in this series. Even allowing for England’s ritual inability to win at HQ it’s not a series where anyone needs to have their fitness put on the line to hold back the marauding hordes. Nope. Wickman is looking forward to Marcus smashing everything in sight around the counties until the important series starts later in the Summer against India. There will be precious little support here now for the West Indies, little atmosphere, little pressure on the games. Far better that Banger makes it back to full health and fitness in time for a true test of his mettle against Harbhajan and Kumble on bone dry pitches in July. He’ll have come full circle. He has unfinished business against them.

Woolmer unsolved

Wickman can't help but notice that the Woolmer mystery remains unsolved. The latest theories are fairly diverse: he wasn't murdered or he was poisoned using weedkiller. You hardly need Brian Lara's legendary placement skills to thread one through that gap. You could drive a coach and horses through that particular gaping chasm. How can we have got to this point? This investigation has simply been far too leaky. Anyone with an opinion has been able to voice it in the full and certain knowledge that no one knows what that heck is going on. And let's face it, although there is no good time to find yourself with a dead Bob Woolmer on your patch, you absolutely don't want to find yourself with one on your patch in the middle of the one event where every single writer who might be interested is already within the vicinity. All those columns to fill, all those stories to buy. Wickman wonders whether there will be a resolution to this one. Frankly, if you've found nothing by now, what else are you going to find? Two post mortems don't seem to have determined a definite cause of death. Mark Sheilds is looking and sounding more uncertain every day. And the world's press are beginning to get bored.

Stash again

Hon Fixtures Sec turns up at Wickman's secret lair. He watches as Wickman inexpertely attempts to discipline the Wickettes. It's not easy. Wickman needs a lie down. A beer is consumed. Cricket is talked. HFS has come round with stash.

He's come round with a signed bat from a Middlesex team of the last century. Steady on, it was probably the 1990s based on the line-up. Some cracking names there, many of them capped for England, some journalists, one cricket writer, some legends of county cricket and a senior cricket administrator. Gatt, Embers, Gus, Tuffers, Paul Downton, Norman Cowans, Ramps, Roland Butcher, Mike Roseberry, Simon Hughes, John Carr, Neil Williams, Keith Brown and Jamie Sykes (girly writing).

Wickman pops onto Middlesex' wiki entry only to find that Middlesex CCC is a year YOUNGER than The Wick. Yessss. Have it. We'll sign a cut down bat and send it to you boys... in the meantime this is going up on the walls...

Match Report - 3rdxi vs Thames Ditton - by Kirky

Thames Ditton's 3rds Ground and President Sissen

Editors's Note:

Wickman has received a number of communications this morning from 3rd xi players who are less than gruntled by Saturday's facilities. Gentlemen, the committee offers its apologies. If they had known Thames Ditton wanted to play boules on a cabbage patch they'd have secured another fixture elsewhere. The thought of Bobby, Dick and Mooro having to change in the open air is bringing a sort of smile to Wickman's face (although Wickman is trying not to think too hard about it) but Wickman appreciates that cricket should be more fun. Thank goodness for Kingsfield... In the meantime everyone should please be assured that the fixtures sec will be assessing not just availability of opposition but facilities also. What with the 3s playing on the Somme and the 2s not getting a game it hasn't been a great weekend. It's not easy...

Kirky's Report Follows:

Whilst I can’t claim to have any knowledge of cricket it seems there is usually a clear man of the match. A person who rises above their team-mates and the opposition to create the winning advantage. It may be argued Gilchrist's 150 may have sealed the world cup for Australia. In the case of HWRCC 3rd XI vs TDCC 3rd XI there was a clear leading wicket taker who stitched up, undid and cleaned up experienced and inexperienced batsmen alike.

This contestant wasn't a player but the wicket. It was a mixture of dust bowl, green patches and yellow tufts and the bounce was variable to say the least. Luckily the wicket wasn’t biased and took victims of both teams. My sympathies go out to Thames Ditton 3rd XI. It appears a lot of their home fixtures will take place at this ground. Not a particularly rough park but it had more Vicky Pollards than you could shake a stick at and it all takes place under the gaze of Surrey's business hub and architectural marvel the Tolworth Tower.

Things started badly when the groundsman failed to turn up and open the pavilion, we plugged on regardless. As with last week the 3rd XI was a mixed bag of experience, youth and variations in-between, it was also Merwin's Saturday debut for the Wick. Someone won the toss and the Wick went into bat.

The Wick top order was quickly undone by the randomiser wicket and before we knew it we were 70/7 and looking down the barrel of the gun. Those in the top order struggled to get into double figures. Perhaps the only person to escape the wicket was Derrick but Tom saw to that and triggered him. There were any number of excuses not to give LBW on this wicket but Tom wasn't feeling charitable. A quick cameo by yours truly brought three 4s and worryingly the top score. After trying slog a full toss and being caught at mid-off, Lloydy was brought to the crease. On a side note Lloydy's flatmate Cransey has recently invested in a fancy new cricket bat. If Lloydy was trying to make a point that you don't need an Uzi SPS to make runs he didn't mention it. He set about dispatching the bad balls of which there were generous amounts. Joined by Jimmy C they set about a match saving partnership. Eventually Jimmy was run out to a direct hit; the quick running stressed his hamstrings ruling him out from the bowling attack but his 29 was more than useful. Tom came and made a few before Bobby declared or whatever you do in timed matchs. This was very kind of Bobby as Lloydy was on 46 and in danger of buying jug. Wick 160/9 off 47 overs.

Tea looked promising but somehow TD had lost the plates. Not being a fastidious bunch we did without, it might explain why there was a fair amount of salad left over. 7/10

Tom and I opened the bowling. I took the wicket of an older fellow and Tom took one of a youngster who had a fine looking leave. This did mean he took one to the helmet a couple to the ribs. Leave at you own risk on this wicket. He eventually tried to cut one that moved in about a foot and kept low skittling him, a good wicket for Tom.

It appeared TD had learnt from our mistakes and were playing patiently. It was slow going as the 3 and 4 put on the runs. Merwin replaced Tom but had a tough time finding the line and length that saw him taking wickets in the nets. Bloomy was brought on to replace myself, though there was movement there was no guarantee it was going with the spin. Dick replaced Merwin and Derrick replaced Bloomy. Derrick’s first ball pitched short of a length and shot along at ankle height. His second pitched short of a length and shot three feet above the bats head. The second did exactly the same. This was the story of Derricks spell, the bat could expect the ball at head height or ankle and there was no discernable way to tell one ball from the other.

Eventually Dick and Derrick began to make inroads. Almost unbelievably there were three catches from Butterfingers Bobby and one caught by myself who has equally if not more buttery fingers. From being up the creek we had managed to turn the game around. It finished a winning draw for the Wick. Thames Ditton 141ish/9.

I think we can all agree a winning draw is more satisfying than a loosing one but when it boils down to the luck of the bounce it takes the shine off it. Credit to Lloydy and Jimmy surviving the randomiser, building any runs on the Alexandra Rec wicket is no mean feat.

2s Match Report - vs LSE

LSE vs HWRCC 2xi - Moore, Wickman, Fudge, Lofting, Soppitt, Cameron, Crane, Taylorson, Lown, Noor, Whinney

The way Wickman will remember the LSE game may vary from the memories of other eye witnesses but it's only fair that, seeing as Wickman is taking the time to write this, we go with his version.

The day started bright and fair and on arrival at the LSE ground in New Malden the facilities were pronounced superb. Jokes were cracked about students being lazy, good for nothing, tax-payer-money-spending losers with long hair and poor hygiene. These jokes were not cracked in front of Muzibilly, because he may be a student, but he is our student.

Skipper Fudge won the toss and batted. Unfortunately for him, for Mike Lofting and Andy Moore, this is Wickman's report, so all were out cheaply, undone by some of the most rapid bowling you have ever seen, including in test matches. This left the Wick 0-3.

An out of form Soppitt joined a shell-shocked Wickman at the crease and was unable to get a bat on anything. At the other end, Wickman recovered his savoir faire, joie de vivre and many other French things and began circumspectly before smashing all student comers out of the park. There was little need to run, except when Wickman chose to farm the strike to protect the hapless Soppitt who was lucky that Wickman was taking the burden. It was surprising, given the quality of the bowling, which was unusually strong for a student 11, that Wickman looked in so little trouble. He pulled with some elan and observers said his on driving was of the highest quality.

The Wick soon recovered to a very creditable 280-3 declared. Wickman 250*, Soppitt 13*, extras 17. Wickman scored 42 off one over, obviously, and middled everything. A number of hot women slipped him their telephone numbers.

Tea was good. Caviar. Champagne. Snails in garlic butter. Foie gras, obviously. Individual Boeuf en croute. An excellent 1986 Cheateau urine du chat. 9/10. DBW take note.

The students were then asked to reply. All of them were extremely pale and spotty due to long days and nights with their noses in books by the way. All were virgins too, despite the free availability of attractive student totty, because of the earlier hygiene issues.

Unfortunately, most of our bowling attack had suffered extraordinary injuries so there was nothing for it but to bowl Wickman unchanged from one end. He opened up with rapid away swing and did the first four bats caught in the slips. The fifth was undone by a rapid inducker. Following 8 overs of rapid pace (8-8-0-5) he was forced to revert to bowling left arm round after his arm was broken as he dived to take a fabulous catch off his own bowling. Luckily his left arm Chinamen are world class so he was able to take the final 4 wickets without conceding a run. At the other end the remaining Wick bowlers were woeful, meaning Wickman was forced to win the game single handed.

Luckily Peter Moores had broken down outside the gate earlier and was at the venue to see everything. Wickman has been picked to play WI. Most of the students were crying because they had been so badly beaten and they had to call their Mums to pick them up. Some have given up cricket.

MOM: Wickman, FACT

If anyone is in any doubt, the game was called off because the students were all too busy revising to play against us. Nice work boys. Hope you all get Richards and fail miserably in your career ambitions. Bitter, Wickman? Well yes, in fact. Spend all week thinking about playing while occupying chair in miserable office in miserable job? Attend net as highlight of week? Practice technique? Go to bed each night dreaming of making a well compiled 50 against a decent attack? Play forward defensives with poster tubes all Friday? Iron kit? Buy new socks? And for what? For a team to cry off on Friday, but do it on email so that we can't find a replacement in time? Fooking students...