Team News - Saturday 17 May

So here are Saturday's teams. Despite shocking availability due to exams we've put three strong sides out again. That's THREE sides Gentlemen. Hardly a university student amongst them. The skippers tell Wickman that selection meetings have been lively and heated even this weekend when there are more 1s players unavailable than you'd ideally want. In fact the unavalable 11 would be phenomenal. Try: MacArthur, Lee, O'Mahoney, AJ, Gatesy, Stephens +, Goldy, Zammak, Whinney, Marfleet and Adams. Sniff, as AJ so famously said, that. And Wickman could pick another 11 which you would be happy to call a 2nd xi as well. Those playing 3s this weekend should note that your opposition are in the league we'll be entering next year. A proper thirds team. AJ has also arranged 6 more fixtures (Wickman thinks) against sides from that league to go alongside the 6 or so fixtures we already have confirmed. And there are more on the way so we may well deliver 16 3s fixtures this year. It would be useful if someone were to stick their hand up to commit to the captaincy for the season... Be under no illusion that the club is stronger at the moment than at any time since perhaps 2002 and that there's going to come a time fairly shortly where the outcome of selection meetings may not be to everyone's liking. Keep taking the pills Gentlemen because Wickman reckons the club is in rude health. Good luck and see you on Saturday to those who are playing. Wandgas 1st XI v HWRCC 1st XI (a) Cole, Mackie, Davies ©, Kamran, Bishop, Forbes, Crane, Jones +, Ewen J, Ford, Webster 12:15pm – Meet at the ground – Worcester Park. Contact Matty D if you have transport issues 13:30pm – Start Umpire – J. Tilley Scorer – A. Whitcher HWRCC 2nd XI v Wandgas 2nd XI (h) Lofting, Hibberd, Fudge ©, High, Clark +, Soppitt, Taylorson, Donnelly, Goodwin, Noor, Lown 12:00pm – Meet 13:30pm – Start Umpire – F. Lippitt HWRCC 3rd XI v Southern Railway & Kenley 3rd XI (h) Ewen R ©, Risman, Clough, Cameron, Wright, Hirsch, Lloyd, Copeland +, Iqbal, Nicholas, Moss / Walters TBC 13:00pm Meet 13:30pm Meet

Hampton Wick 1st XI Vs Kempton

Davies*, MacArthur, Lee, Razzi, Bishop, Jackson, Cole, Forbes, Ewen, Jones, Webster.

Hampton Wick won the toss and elected to field.

Kempton 134 all out. Ewen 7-30 Razzi 3-21 Dows 48

HWRCC 136/4 Razzi 42 Bishop 30* Porter 2-33

HWRCC won by 6 wickets

Kempton were quite aggrieved as Bishop knocked off the last couple of runs to sink them to a 6 wicket loss. Kempton felt it had all come down to the toss of a coin, and that the Wick's sticky wicket favoured the side batting second. Granted the wicket was as lively as King Herod in an Early Learning Center, but the way they approached their innings defied belief.

Joe Ewen bowled well for his 7-30, but he will bowl better this season without such handsome rewards. From the very first ball when opener Watts flayed a ball which threatened little, to Dan Lee at point, you wondered whether Kempton had walked out to bat with their eyes closed, and not felt the puddles splash up their legs. When the Kempton skipper followed soon after in almost identical fashion, again to Lee at point Joeys began to taste blood and rather liked it.

Dows and Ricks then began to rebuild the Kempton innings and mixed aggression with a willingness to wear the snorter. They were brutal on anything shy of length and HWRCC bowled too short on a day crying out for a full length.

A thought must be spared for every bowler who bowled from the the Millenium Wood End, as the wind was strong enough to produce Acme style facial distortion, and made a measured run up a bag of liquorice allsorts. With the wind at his back though Joey finished his opening salvo following a rain break with the wicket of Ricks for 39.

Kamran replaced Joey and Barrell did likewise for Webster. Kamran got his reward for patient and disciplined bowling, removing the Kempton 5 and 6 before finally coaxing Dows (48) to give further catching practice to Dan at point. His fourth catch at point and to be honest I was beginning to wonder if I shouldn't give him the gloves and move to point myself just to see some action.

With Dows gone Davies showed no hesitation in bringing Joey back into the attack to finish proceedings. Joey duly obliged and did what all good fast bowlers should and mopped up the tail with a minimum of fuss. Matty D's insistence that every over would be his last obviously had the required affect and it was akin to watching a hunter taking out ducks with stinger missiles as they come in to land on a park pond. Kempton 134 all out and it was HWRCC who went into tea the happier XI.

You are all familiar with DBW's tea so I won't offer a mark. Although I think he should be docked half a point every time he produces a clone of the week before and a half added every time he makes our eyes bulge with surprise.

As alluded to earlier Kempton felt the Wick had the easier of the batting conditions, but the way the top three approached the chase showed more than an ounce of thought and skill. Sam MacArthur and Dan Lee prodded and left, determined not to throw away their wicket as the ball continued to skip, and dart around. Even when Dan timed a ball beautifully off his legs through mid-wicket and into the car park neither got carried away.

Eventually Sam (14) was undone by a ball that reared off a length but Matty came in a continued with fervent application. Dan (16) followed soon after to bring in Kam, who played what he described as one of his most determined innings, despite his best efforts to run Matty out, who eventually fell for 14. The hard work had been done though as the ball was now soft, the wicket slightly drier, and the openers seen off.

Barrell joined Kam and their partnership of 58 was a lesson in application and patience from these normally free scoring batsman. Kam certainly rode his luck on more than one occasion, but the their gamble to go over the top against the older ball, allowed them to then pick the singles as the field spread. With plenty of overs to spare, all his team mates were dissapointed to see Kam fall short of his 50, but AJ came in and finished the job with Barrell with a minimum of fuss.

A couple TFC's, but this was because of a very good performance of Joey and the top order doing their job. Still a slightly rusty performance in the field but the team spirit was as evident as ever and everyone will have to opportunity to stick their hands up and make telling performances as the season moves on.

Also from everyone in the squad a huge congratulations to the 2's for not only getting their game on but winning it so well. You can't ask for any more than a Wick Wash.

The best view from space EVER

2s Match Report - vs Ewhurst

Ewhurst 2xi vs HWRCC 2xi

Fudge*, Clark +, Hibberd, Mackie, Lown, Crane, Taylorson, Hill, Donnelly, Soppitt, High

Ewhurst 76 All out John Hill 3-11 Dominic Lown 2-23 HWRCC 80-2 Mackie 31*

There was a point at approximately 11.30am on Saturday when Clarky was considering suicide. Having spent the morning ironing his jockstrap, refolding his socks and polishing the studs on his boots, the news that Ewhurst wanted to call the game off two hours before the scheduled start time was too much to bear.

The league rule book was consulted and the decision taken that we should at least turn up, have a look for ourselves and decide whether it was worth hanging around until the latest possible start time to see if we could get a game in.

A convoy was assembled. Cranesy, chav naved up, headed us off down the A3 via some gnarly traffic jams in Kingston. Go via Hampton Court next time Cranesy or... Anyway it then absolutely hosed down. There were ducks which took one look at the rain and decided they were better off indoors watching Grandstand. We reached Ewhurst, having undertaken what felt like a stage of the RAC Rally only to be surprised by an outfield which was playable and a square which, with a bit of luck, a strong cross breeze and no more rain, would be definitely playable by 2.30.

Spirits were raised. Playing at Ewhurst is a rare pleasure in the Fuller’s League. A village ground, complete with duck pond, cottages and houses bordering the boundary and a sleepy B road along which at one point a horse and trap made stately progress, is almost as attractive a proposition as our own Wick. Plus the refresments, with ham prepared by a local butcher only a day or so earlier, were of a standard which will be difficult to find again this year. The tea was strong enough to suit even those that like it the colour of Scooby Doo. 8/10.

To the cricket. The wicket had dried sufficiently by the start time to be reasonably one paced from the off. Tommy D and Dommy L opened up and grew into impressive rhythm. Their skipper, Greenaway, decided to hit the ball hard and straight and anything pitched up, went. The opening partnership had them rattling along at 5. Not the bright start to the season anticipated by seasoned Wickmen. However he was sawn off when Dom brought one back. There was, according to some observers, a hint of bat and it was evident that the decision was not well thought of. However, Tommy D removed the No 3 in the same fashion with a rapid Yorker which was much less debateable.

The other opener, Arrowsmith, was circumspect and only essayed attacking shots when the ball was pitched up or sufficiently wide of off stump for him to be certain it wasn’t coming back. This was the right approach in the circumstances and despite a slice of fortune when he was put down at point, he largely mastered the conditions to assemble Ewhurst’s top score of 27. Tommy D was replaced by John Hill for his first bowl for many months. However as the runs were drying up the pressure got to No 4 who skied an attempted pull back to Hill. John went on to take 3 wickets, bowling two more bats to enjoy a thoroughly satisfactory comeback game finishing with 7-3-11-3.

At the other end Dommy was turning in an excellent performance. As his line improved, so it became more and more difficult to get him away. Eventually slightly more lift saw No 5 shovel one up in the air in the direction of short leg, a sprightly Clark alert enough to make the ground to pouch the catch with little fuss but perhaps over-exuberant celebration. Dom finished with excellent figures of 12-3-23-2 easily picking up MOM.

Hibby eventually replaced Dom to allow him to recover from his exertions. An amount of loud chat ensued designed to convince the batsman that he was a spinner. Three fireballs later and the poor lad was back in the hutch, bowled, much bemused and muttering “I thought he was a spinner”. With little batting left, Arrowsmith sought to get after the bowling and took a number of strides down the wicket to attempt to smite, like an ancient warrior, the opposition into the wilderness. No smiting resulted though as he failed to connect. Clark gathered and removed the bails.

This brought to the wicket a cricketer so diminutive that he was batting with a size 4 bat and the stumps dwarfed him. Hibby tossed his last ball up and it was stoutly and robustly defended. John was unable to remove the No 9 at the other end so it was clear that to remove this junior Trevor Bailey, guile would needs be employed. Del was brought on, flighted a couple of beauties, and following some confusion and Matrix skills, Clark was able to stump a second victim. Ewhurst all out for 76 from approximately 40-2.

The performance in the field, perfectly marshalled by skipper Fudge, was, if not top drawer then certainly the next drawer down. Three catches were grassed – one a running effort that went to ground the second at the wicket off an under edge and the third by Cranesy leaping like a plate of smoked salmon to spill one over his shoulder. None was straightforward. Clark stood up for all but the opening balls from each bowler adding additional pressure and forcing the bats to remain rooted to the spot. He amused all by falling over in collecting a throw and demolishing the stumps to such an extent that they weren’t straight again in the game. Keanu Reeves eat your heart out.

Our reply was brisk and business like, the target achieved in 12.1 overs. Three sixes were hit, the best a pick up over the pavilion by Mackie that was effortless. Hibby and Cranesy perished “getting on with it” leaving Mackie to make the only sizeable score for the Wick – useful red ink improving his lifetime average a percentage point or two. High remained not out, one giant six over long off his major contribution. Clark was left padded up with nowhere to go for the second year running at Ewhurst. Ian T achieved an unfortunate TFC, Ewhurst running out of batting just before he was employed.

All in all a very positive start for the 2s under Fudgey this year. Job done, 20 points and back to the Wick to find the 1s had applied the coup de grace to their oppo to cement a Wickwash on the first weekend of the season. Some more time with the willow would perhaps have been of benefit, but, frankly, 20 points are 20 points.

Rain, rain go away or why Wickman hates May

There’s something about May that is like a time-warp for cricketers. Doesn’t matter how old you are, but the day before a game, usually a Friday these days, a huge depression, a massive black dog, a staggeringly intense fugue swallows you up and drags you down under the waves if its raining.

There’s almost nothing worse in the game than day-before-rain. Especially if you are away. Wickman is playing away (in the cricketing sense) tomorrow. How do you judge the rainfall that you can see outside when you have so little experience of the oppo’s facilities?

In this particular case Wickman is off to deepest Surrey. But how deep? Deep enough that a weather system which has turned central London into something as damp as a fat girl’s gusset might just brush by and leave the oppo’s square as crisp as the well used handkerchief that you find in the pocket of a jacket you haven’t worn since you got that awful cold in February?

Wickman has spent all day, when he hasn’t had to deal with client traumas, trying to gauge how damp the oppo’s facilities will be. Firstly, looking at a geographer’s map of rock types, there’s a chance that the particular village Wickman is visiting could be on clay. Perhaps. It’s Surrey. It’s not built on the cricketer’s friend, the chalky havens of the North Downs. Which is bad. Every fule kno that clay does not absorb water.

No. From memory this one was low lying. It had a pond next to it. And a ditch. Ponds and ditches are, even in these days of global warming (where’s that when you need it? What’s the point of a searingly hot April if you get a sodden May?) places where water collects. And unless some oaf has created a pond from so much cement and used a hose, it’s an indication that 1) precipitation is an issue and 2) It doesn’t tend to disperse.

Wickman reckons the outfield, in a steamy July, was pretty much a mixture of grass and seaweed. Which makes him think, in his Friday evening paranoia, that this particular cricket club is probably within the tidal reach of some major South Eastern river and is, even now, under six foot of water with some local types trying to surf an unseasonal bore which flows from Pavillion to sleepy B road.

Then Wickman is thinking that it’s been SUCH a dry April that, all things considered, the place is like blotting paper. The rain of the last few weeks will have been gobbled up by grass roots thirstier than a man who’s tried a four day dessert crossing with nothing more in his rucksack than a packet of Smiths Crisps (the ones with the blue packet of salt) and mistakenly shaken the salt over the crisps when he got hungry and is now contemplating drinking his own urine. Neat.

And that’s why it’s a timewarp. Because Wickman can remember being 10 and desperate to play for the u11s the following day. Or 15, having been picked for the school 1s and knowing that he can wear his whites and blazer to lessons in the morning and get off double maths because the game starts at 11.30. Or thirty-two (ahem) and hoping that a game is on against Ewhurst and knowing that probably, given the fact that the sky looks like the same colour as John Major’s oldest underpants, its about to rain like it never has before and that religious types will be buying large quantities of wood and raiding pet shops for pairs of rare animals.

May. Wickman has nothing good to say about May.

West Indies. This summer’s Bangladesh?

Wickman’s first ever trip to Lords was undertaken to watch the Windies. It was a one day game in the early 90s Wickman thinks. Those were the days when you could still work yourself up into a frenzy at the thought of watching Calypso batting by the Windies and Collapso batting by our lot in the face of giant psychopaths trying to commit legalised GBH. We’d even taken to trying to find our own ersatz versions of West Indian bowlers – I think we were trying out Sid Lawrence that day. Time was you’d have given the West Indies a five test series in high summer culminating in a pulsating Oval Test where four or five snarling fast bowlers would attempt to knock honky heads off in front of 25000 adoring fans. Packed houses would fashion percussion instruments out of cans, bottles, stones or anything they could lay their hands on and the volume level would be extraordinary as some lethal fast bowler or other would sprint in to the wicket and deliver leather and cork at English throats. Someone would ruin England’s summer every time without fail. Avoiding a blackwash became noteworthy. Michael Holding. Joel Garner. Malcolm Marshall. Curtley Ambrose. Just the sight of them would have English bats hanging out the willow to dry. Going abroad didn’t help. Someone would take you for a world record with the bat, or someone else would spread your nose across your face for you. Now? Nothing worth watching is there? Stick ‘em in the calendar in May and June. Only give them four tests. Can’t sell five. None of the games will go the full five days without the weather intervening anyway. Seems a bit harsh does it? Not really. The best we have on offer is Gayle, Sarwan and Chanderpaul. Hardly great names to inspire in the tradition of the Carrib greats… and don’t get Wickman started on the bowlers because he hasn’t got a clue who they are. The 6 foot something giants of yesteryear are off playing basketball and have been replaced by 5 11 pop guns with Napoleon syndrome. There’s more menace in the commentary teams… Contacts permitting Wickman will still be at Lords on the Friday, no doubt full of champagne and pricey lager by lunchtime, replete by mid afternoon with M&S meats and desperately trying to soak it all up with tea cakes in the afternoon to avoid being hungover for Wick cricket the following day. But this time he’ll be going to watch the English.

Selection - Saturday May 12th

The teams are out for Saturday. Slight issue at the moment in that we are still seeking opposition for the 3s but Hon Fix Sec is onto it with the conference and Woodmansterne who don't have a 3s league fixture this weekend. The 1s have got a strong line up for Kempton. The 2s are equally strong for their visit to Ewhurst which is so far away it makes the Middlesex league look like an attractive proposition. Last year convoy leader Davies took more u-turns than an indecisive politician. Wickman is looking forward to the return of John Hill to strengthen the bowling. The 3s look almost too good although word reaches us that Sissen B may be thinking of sitting this one out only to play AGAINST the Wick on Sunday. SHURELY SHOME MISHTAKE?

HWRCC 1xi vs KEMPTON C.C

1) S. Mccarthur 2) D. Lee 3) M. Davies (c ) 4) K. Razi 5) S. Bishop 6) A. Jackson 7) R. Cole 8) M. Forbes 9) J. Ewen 10) G. Jones + 11) L. Webster

Meet @ HWRCC – 12:00

Start @ HWRCC – 13:30

Umpire: J. Tilley

Scorer: A. Witcher

EWHURST vs HWRCC 2xi

1) M. Mackie 2) P. Hibberd 3) D. Fudge © 4) C. High 5) N. Clark + 6) D. Soppitt 7) A. Crane 8) I. Taylorson 9) T. Donnelly 10) J. Hill 11) D. Lowns

Meet @ HWRCC – 11:30

Start @ Ewhurst – 13:30

Umpire: F. Lippitt

TBC vs HWRCC 3xi

1) A. Risman 2) B. Sissen © 3) D. Ewen 4) D. Clough 5) P. Sayce 6) D. Nicholas 7) J. Cameron 8) M. Man 9) J. Lloyd 10) A. Walters + 11) K. Laight

Meet @ HWRCC – TBC

Start @ TBC – TBC

Tresco – yes or no?

Should Marcus Trescothick be back playing for England next week at Lords? Wickman thinks not. While Wickman is a big fan of Banger, there are too many good reasons not to have him back just yet. The 185 he has just assembled against Northants is not quite the innings it seems. Of those lined up against him in anger, only Monty Panesar could be said to be a first choice international bowler. And the pitch is a belter. He has hardly had the world’s finest nibbling away round about the top of off waiting for him to waft one to four piranhas and a gully. The only reason anyone’s asking is down to Vaughany’s latest injury. The curse of the poppadom fingers has hit England again – but bringing back someone with a poppadom mind isn’t the answer. Alistair Cook is due to return to the side – he’s a more than adequate replacement against the West Indies. The West Indies without Brian Lara don’t have a prayer in this series. Even allowing for England’s ritual inability to win at HQ it’s not a series where anyone needs to have their fitness put on the line to hold back the marauding hordes. Nope. Wickman is looking forward to Marcus smashing everything in sight around the counties until the important series starts later in the Summer against India. There will be precious little support here now for the West Indies, little atmosphere, little pressure on the games. Far better that Banger makes it back to full health and fitness in time for a true test of his mettle against Harbhajan and Kumble on bone dry pitches in July. He’ll have come full circle. He has unfinished business against them.

Woolmer unsolved

Wickman can't help but notice that the Woolmer mystery remains unsolved. The latest theories are fairly diverse: he wasn't murdered or he was poisoned using weedkiller. You hardly need Brian Lara's legendary placement skills to thread one through that gap. You could drive a coach and horses through that particular gaping chasm. How can we have got to this point? This investigation has simply been far too leaky. Anyone with an opinion has been able to voice it in the full and certain knowledge that no one knows what that heck is going on. And let's face it, although there is no good time to find yourself with a dead Bob Woolmer on your patch, you absolutely don't want to find yourself with one on your patch in the middle of the one event where every single writer who might be interested is already within the vicinity. All those columns to fill, all those stories to buy. Wickman wonders whether there will be a resolution to this one. Frankly, if you've found nothing by now, what else are you going to find? Two post mortems don't seem to have determined a definite cause of death. Mark Sheilds is looking and sounding more uncertain every day. And the world's press are beginning to get bored.

Stash again

Hon Fixtures Sec turns up at Wickman's secret lair. He watches as Wickman inexpertely attempts to discipline the Wickettes. It's not easy. Wickman needs a lie down. A beer is consumed. Cricket is talked. HFS has come round with stash.

He's come round with a signed bat from a Middlesex team of the last century. Steady on, it was probably the 1990s based on the line-up. Some cracking names there, many of them capped for England, some journalists, one cricket writer, some legends of county cricket and a senior cricket administrator. Gatt, Embers, Gus, Tuffers, Paul Downton, Norman Cowans, Ramps, Roland Butcher, Mike Roseberry, Simon Hughes, John Carr, Neil Williams, Keith Brown and Jamie Sykes (girly writing).

Wickman pops onto Middlesex' wiki entry only to find that Middlesex CCC is a year YOUNGER than The Wick. Yessss. Have it. We'll sign a cut down bat and send it to you boys... in the meantime this is going up on the walls...

Match Report - 3rdxi vs Thames Ditton - by Kirky

Thames Ditton's 3rds Ground and President Sissen

Editors's Note:

Wickman has received a number of communications this morning from 3rd xi players who are less than gruntled by Saturday's facilities. Gentlemen, the committee offers its apologies. If they had known Thames Ditton wanted to play boules on a cabbage patch they'd have secured another fixture elsewhere. The thought of Bobby, Dick and Mooro having to change in the open air is bringing a sort of smile to Wickman's face (although Wickman is trying not to think too hard about it) but Wickman appreciates that cricket should be more fun. Thank goodness for Kingsfield... In the meantime everyone should please be assured that the fixtures sec will be assessing not just availability of opposition but facilities also. What with the 3s playing on the Somme and the 2s not getting a game it hasn't been a great weekend. It's not easy...

Kirky's Report Follows:

Whilst I can’t claim to have any knowledge of cricket it seems there is usually a clear man of the match. A person who rises above their team-mates and the opposition to create the winning advantage. It may be argued Gilchrist's 150 may have sealed the world cup for Australia. In the case of HWRCC 3rd XI vs TDCC 3rd XI there was a clear leading wicket taker who stitched up, undid and cleaned up experienced and inexperienced batsmen alike.

This contestant wasn't a player but the wicket. It was a mixture of dust bowl, green patches and yellow tufts and the bounce was variable to say the least. Luckily the wicket wasn’t biased and took victims of both teams. My sympathies go out to Thames Ditton 3rd XI. It appears a lot of their home fixtures will take place at this ground. Not a particularly rough park but it had more Vicky Pollards than you could shake a stick at and it all takes place under the gaze of Surrey's business hub and architectural marvel the Tolworth Tower.

Things started badly when the groundsman failed to turn up and open the pavilion, we plugged on regardless. As with last week the 3rd XI was a mixed bag of experience, youth and variations in-between, it was also Merwin's Saturday debut for the Wick. Someone won the toss and the Wick went into bat.

The Wick top order was quickly undone by the randomiser wicket and before we knew it we were 70/7 and looking down the barrel of the gun. Those in the top order struggled to get into double figures. Perhaps the only person to escape the wicket was Derrick but Tom saw to that and triggered him. There were any number of excuses not to give LBW on this wicket but Tom wasn't feeling charitable. A quick cameo by yours truly brought three 4s and worryingly the top score. After trying slog a full toss and being caught at mid-off, Lloydy was brought to the crease. On a side note Lloydy's flatmate Cransey has recently invested in a fancy new cricket bat. If Lloydy was trying to make a point that you don't need an Uzi SPS to make runs he didn't mention it. He set about dispatching the bad balls of which there were generous amounts. Joined by Jimmy C they set about a match saving partnership. Eventually Jimmy was run out to a direct hit; the quick running stressed his hamstrings ruling him out from the bowling attack but his 29 was more than useful. Tom came and made a few before Bobby declared or whatever you do in timed matchs. This was very kind of Bobby as Lloydy was on 46 and in danger of buying jug. Wick 160/9 off 47 overs.

Tea looked promising but somehow TD had lost the plates. Not being a fastidious bunch we did without, it might explain why there was a fair amount of salad left over. 7/10

Tom and I opened the bowling. I took the wicket of an older fellow and Tom took one of a youngster who had a fine looking leave. This did mean he took one to the helmet a couple to the ribs. Leave at you own risk on this wicket. He eventually tried to cut one that moved in about a foot and kept low skittling him, a good wicket for Tom.

It appeared TD had learnt from our mistakes and were playing patiently. It was slow going as the 3 and 4 put on the runs. Merwin replaced Tom but had a tough time finding the line and length that saw him taking wickets in the nets. Bloomy was brought on to replace myself, though there was movement there was no guarantee it was going with the spin. Dick replaced Merwin and Derrick replaced Bloomy. Derrick’s first ball pitched short of a length and shot along at ankle height. His second pitched short of a length and shot three feet above the bats head. The second did exactly the same. This was the story of Derricks spell, the bat could expect the ball at head height or ankle and there was no discernable way to tell one ball from the other.

Eventually Dick and Derrick began to make inroads. Almost unbelievably there were three catches from Butterfingers Bobby and one caught by myself who has equally if not more buttery fingers. From being up the creek we had managed to turn the game around. It finished a winning draw for the Wick. Thames Ditton 141ish/9.

I think we can all agree a winning draw is more satisfying than a loosing one but when it boils down to the luck of the bounce it takes the shine off it. Credit to Lloydy and Jimmy surviving the randomiser, building any runs on the Alexandra Rec wicket is no mean feat.

2s Match Report - vs LSE

LSE vs HWRCC 2xi - Moore, Wickman, Fudge, Lofting, Soppitt, Cameron, Crane, Taylorson, Lown, Noor, Whinney

The way Wickman will remember the LSE game may vary from the memories of other eye witnesses but it's only fair that, seeing as Wickman is taking the time to write this, we go with his version.

The day started bright and fair and on arrival at the LSE ground in New Malden the facilities were pronounced superb. Jokes were cracked about students being lazy, good for nothing, tax-payer-money-spending losers with long hair and poor hygiene. These jokes were not cracked in front of Muzibilly, because he may be a student, but he is our student.

Skipper Fudge won the toss and batted. Unfortunately for him, for Mike Lofting and Andy Moore, this is Wickman's report, so all were out cheaply, undone by some of the most rapid bowling you have ever seen, including in test matches. This left the Wick 0-3.

An out of form Soppitt joined a shell-shocked Wickman at the crease and was unable to get a bat on anything. At the other end, Wickman recovered his savoir faire, joie de vivre and many other French things and began circumspectly before smashing all student comers out of the park. There was little need to run, except when Wickman chose to farm the strike to protect the hapless Soppitt who was lucky that Wickman was taking the burden. It was surprising, given the quality of the bowling, which was unusually strong for a student 11, that Wickman looked in so little trouble. He pulled with some elan and observers said his on driving was of the highest quality.

The Wick soon recovered to a very creditable 280-3 declared. Wickman 250*, Soppitt 13*, extras 17. Wickman scored 42 off one over, obviously, and middled everything. A number of hot women slipped him their telephone numbers.

Tea was good. Caviar. Champagne. Snails in garlic butter. Foie gras, obviously. Individual Boeuf en croute. An excellent 1986 Cheateau urine du chat. 9/10. DBW take note.

The students were then asked to reply. All of them were extremely pale and spotty due to long days and nights with their noses in books by the way. All were virgins too, despite the free availability of attractive student totty, because of the earlier hygiene issues.

Unfortunately, most of our bowling attack had suffered extraordinary injuries so there was nothing for it but to bowl Wickman unchanged from one end. He opened up with rapid away swing and did the first four bats caught in the slips. The fifth was undone by a rapid inducker. Following 8 overs of rapid pace (8-8-0-5) he was forced to revert to bowling left arm round after his arm was broken as he dived to take a fabulous catch off his own bowling. Luckily his left arm Chinamen are world class so he was able to take the final 4 wickets without conceding a run. At the other end the remaining Wick bowlers were woeful, meaning Wickman was forced to win the game single handed.

Luckily Peter Moores had broken down outside the gate earlier and was at the venue to see everything. Wickman has been picked to play WI. Most of the students were crying because they had been so badly beaten and they had to call their Mums to pick them up. Some have given up cricket.

MOM: Wickman, FACT

If anyone is in any doubt, the game was called off because the students were all too busy revising to play against us. Nice work boys. Hope you all get Richards and fail miserably in your career ambitions. Bitter, Wickman? Well yes, in fact. Spend all week thinking about playing while occupying chair in miserable office in miserable job? Attend net as highlight of week? Practice technique? Go to bed each night dreaming of making a well compiled 50 against a decent attack? Play forward defensives with poster tubes all Friday? Iron kit? Buy new socks? And for what? For a team to cry off on Friday, but do it on email so that we can't find a replacement in time? Fooking students...