2010 - WICK XI

1) Noman Ali

What a debut season from the WICKS new 1st XI Star. An ever present in the team, Noman amassed an impressive 66o runs in 16 league games at an average of 47 as well as taking 28 wickets at just over 20 a piece. This was Noman’s first season in England and he is already looking forward to even more success in 2011.

2) Matthew Goulborn

Matthew really benefited from a full season of cricket has he maintained fantastic form throughout the year. 440 league runs included a memorable hundred at home to Mitcham and he wasn’t done there. A regular member of the midweek side, he also notched three figures against the reliably strong, Wine Trade.

3) Nathan Singh

Nathan was the epitome of consistency in 2010 reaching double figures on all but two occasions in a total of 14 innings. With three scores in the 30’s and three others in the 40’s Nathan will be kicking himself that he didn’t manage a half century, but will be delighted with accruing 360 runs and his highest overall run total in a league season. Nathan is one of the most naturally destructive batsmen in the club and I am sure that the newly appointed 3rd XI skipper will build on last years efforts and lead from the front in 2011.

4) Kamran Raza

Kamran once again led from the front in the 1st XI year by contributing heavily with both bat and ball. Kammy scored a valuable 438 league runs, including 4 half centuries and reverting to off spin took 29 league wickets at under 20 a piece. Kamran’s bucket like hands also saw him take 11 catches and making him a nominee for the fielder of the year award.

5) Alex JacksonAJ represented a promotion pushing 2nd XI 14 times last year and contributed a healthy 364 runs from just 12 innings. AJ joined Goldy in a record stand of 178 against Mitcham by helping himself to a league hundred of his own. Batting at #5 AJ was not out 5 times as he often found himself taking apart the spinners and finishing off an innings. AJ finished 2010 with a healthy average of 45 and will be a key member of the team if the 2’s are to go at least one better and secure promotion in 2o11.

6) Joe Hirsch

This was the season the Joe really came of age and turned natural talent into regular runs. Joe amassed 275 in just 10 3rd appearances including two half centuries and contributed well to the 2nd XI when called up for duty. Joe will know doubt look to build on 2010‘s achievements and press on next year.

7) Harry Copeland +

Harry’s glove work improved out of sight in 2010 and a new found confidence saw him take a huge step forward. Harry plucked 12 important catches many of which that turned the game at vital times. Harry has the ability with both bat and ball to push for higher honours in 2011 and as he is already being touted as a 1st XI keeper of the future. Harry is a WICK star in the making and real asset to the club.

8) Graeme Tong

Graeme had the unenviable task of juggling opening the bowling for the 1st XI with being captain of the Sunday team yet he seemed to thrive under the pressure. A true club man Graeme finished a memorable 2010 with 46 wickets and over 250 runs for the club. Graeme led from the front in both teams but shone for the 1’s by taking 31 wickets at just 15 a piece. Graeme is the newly appointed 1st vice captain and will continue to steer the Sunday ship so 2011 promises to be equally as challenging.

9) Tom Donnelly

Tom broke the thirty league wicket barrier for the 1st time in 2010 as he led the 3rd XI attack with great pace and control. Tom finished in the leagues top 10 wicket takers and boasted three 5 wicket hauls in doing so. Tom’s 7/39 was the pick of the bunch as he tore through Oxted and Limpsfield’s top order.

10) Greg Unsworth

Greg was rewarded for a flying start to the season with a well deserved call up and new ball duties for the 1st XI by the end of the 2010 campaign. Greg bagged 9 wickets in his first 3 league games for the 2’s and continued to terrorize 1st and 2nd XI opening bats with late swing throughout the season. Greg finished with 26 league wickets at 19 a piece and signed off in style with 3 for 44 for the 1st XI against promotion pushing Battersea Ironsides.

11) Joey Breakwell

New signing Joey Breakwell joined the 2nd XI from promotion winning Brook and kicked on from where he left off with his former side by being bang amongst the wickets in 2010. Joey announced himself in just his 1st game by taking 4 for 24 against arch rivals Stoke D’Abernon and he followed that up with the seasons most remarkable figures of 10 over’s, 8 maidens 2 for 8 against Old Hamptonians. Only injury stopped Joey from taking league honours as his season was cut 4 games short. However 35 wickets at just over 11 was a great return in your first season for a new club.

WICK

Wickman Calls for New Ashes Venue

It's never usually a good idea to watch the Perth test. Wickman can't remember the last time he tuned into one. He tried to tune into the 2006 test but left it until day 4 by which time it was all over and everyone had packed up and gone home.

Given that the first hour of every session (in fact in many cases the first OVER of each test) of this series has been so vitally important, what idiot decided to schedule an Ashes test in Perth of all places? It's bad enough having to wait until midnight our time to kick off a test on Australia's Eastern seaboard. But coverage won't start until 2am UK time for next week's test and the day's play probably won't get underway until 3am or something hideous.

Now there will be some workshy fops down at the Wick who will be saying "what's not to like Wickman my old buddy, my old chum?" because they will be planning to "get up really early" at about 8am and watch a bit of the final session in their fluffy slippers with Mumsy handing them tea and toast etc.

For the rest of us faced with commuting tasks there will be no joy to be had. Time your morning routine wrong and you'll be having breakfast during the tea break and spending the final session on the 07somethingorother to Waterloo or 300 feet underground in a reeking tube carriage quitely fuming as some Antipodean rams his backpack into your goolies on his way to take a pefectly good bar job somewhere.

By the time you've got into the office, ogled the work experience girl, made a coffee, had your morning constitutional and got to your desk, the whole thing will be over and you will be reduced to watching the ball by balls from India vs Bangladesh or whatever other third rate contest is going on during God's own series.

There's still time to move this test to Peru or Paraguay in a bold move reminiscent of Qatar's bid to host the 2022 Footer World Cup, both of which are four hours behind GMT. This would be perfect allowing for almost a whole evening's booze-filled contemplation of the cricket in a suitable drinking hole in London. Cricket travellers bored of Australia, The West Indies and Cape Town would be rewarded with a new venue to tick off and there would probably be unrestricted access to class A drugs at ridiculous prices. The Aussies would be slightly inconvenienced, granted, as this would make it slightly more difficult for them. But it's not the middle of winter in Australia obviously. Get up at 5.30am or 6.00am and they'd see the majority of a day's play which would be a better compromise.

2-0 TO THE ENGERLAND... 2-0 TO THE ENGERLAND...

Botham and Chappell square up in car-park....

Ian Botham and Ian Chappell resumed their 30-year feud in spectacular fashion during the second Test in Adelaide, when they had to be pulled apart by their respective Sky and Channel Nine colleagues following a dust-up in the car-park at the close of the fourth day’s play.

Despite their regular stints in adjacent commentary boxes, neither man has spoken to the other in three decades, with the root of their feud lying in an incident at the Hilton Hotel during the Centenary Test in Melbourne in 1977, when the then-uncapped Botham claimed to have punched the recently retired Chappell off his bar-stool in response to his disparaging remarks about the English.

On Monday, the two came close to blows once again when, according to The Daily Mail, Chappell muttered something provocative in Botham’s direction, before both men dropped their bags and went for each other’s throats. “They might be aged 55 and 67, but neither of them are the type of people to give an inch in the face of conflict,” said a source at Channel Nine.

A Convenient Way to Win

So in the end England beat the rain by 30 odd overs and Australia by an innings and 71. Those of us that watched it live will have seen something strangely familiar but not been quite able to put our fingers on why.

Here we were, watching the final day of an Ashes test match and seeing a side crumble into dust like a vampire exposed to the light at the denouement of one of those great 70s Christopher Lee classics that used to scare the bejasus out of us as kids (well, those of us of Wickman's *ahem* vintage). It felt good. But hell's teeth it was Australia doing the crumbling and not us!

Mike Hussey's pull shot from a Finn short ball that barely got above waist height was criminally badly executed and poorly thought through. It might have been prompted by him feathering an edge off Swanny that got too big on Matt Prior, but it was the wrong shot for the circumstances.

Brad Haddin - so good up until now in this series - played down the wrong line as he had so many times in Brisbane - but this time got an edge. The rest were simply execrable. A tail? Wickman has seen illustrations of Brontosauri with shorter ones. Harris was simply cleaned up and the rest fumbled and groped at Swann like men who had consumed a vat of strong whisky the night before and were blearily fumbling for the alarm clock.

For some reason the presentations seemed to take an age to organise and a stream of delighted Englishmen (some naturalised, naturally) spoke to Athers and the underlying emotion was one of, well, joy. This was a really excellent performance from the first over right the way through the game. 20 wickets vs 5. The first innings defeat in Australia for Australia since 1993 by any team. An imperious century from KP and another chanceless knock from Cook. And then some very disciplined bowling all round, topped off by Swann using a wearing deck to perfection.

Make no bones about it (and you won't even find Australians doing that) they were totally outplayed in every area of the game in a way that we didn't even manage in 2005 and 2009. They were put on the rack, stretched and then broken. The question everyone is going to be asking is can Australia come back from this?

And Athers asked it of everyone he interviewed including Ponting. The message coming from the England spinners (media handlers, not Swanny and KP) was that this is a funny game that will turn round and bite you. Australia didn't become a bad side overnight and we need to stay focussed and not get ahead of ourselves. It seems clear that no one in the England camp wants to give the Australians any reason to get motivated. The Australian rugby team used to say of Matt Dawson era England that we were "pricks to lose to". Our cricketers are leaving nothing to chance.

Australia do have quite a bit going for them. At some point Watson will score a ton. Ponting is due too. Hussey is clearly seeing it like a space hopper. Haddin is very handy. And Clarke too is showing signs that he is still the heir apparent to Ponting at 3. It's in the bowling department that they are struggling to find a combination and a strategy. Siddle was okay. And Harris was the most effective. But the rest at the moment look like so many English strugglers of the 1990s and that's where they need to really improve. Is there anything out there apart from Johnson and Hauritz? The team for the Perth test will tell us if Australia have anything left in the tank.

Wickman can ask nothing more right now. Not only are we winning, we are winning big. And best of all, we're doing it before lunch. Which means those of us watching on this side of the globe can stay up just long enough to spam up facebook and twitter with magnanimous "never minds" for our unusually quiet Australian friends. Now that's a convenient way to win.

Enjoy it now... Ashes Day 9

With up one day remaining in the Adelaide Test, England look firm favourites to win it and go one up in the series, weather permitting.

Jubilant Barmy Army members in Australia and bleary eyed UK resident cricket fans will be willing them on when play begins early again after rain washed out part of today’s session.

In the meantime what should we be making of what’s going on down under? Two and three days into the series it looked like England were about to go down in flames again having contributed a limp batting performance and some less than incisive bowling to what was shaping up for an ominous Aussie win.

Since then Australia haven’t had a sniff. The public are staying away from Adelaide in their thousands largely leaving the BA to boss things in the supporting stakes. Last night in the first session when Australia batted every time Watson or Katich hit a boundary there was a very audible single scream of Australian joy from a person in the crowd. It was disturbing in tone – a sort of mini-orgasm – and in the fact that you could hear it at all in a venue where 20 odd thousand Aussies would usually be baying for blood.

That this Test started on a Friday partly explains the reason why there were so few Aussie fans there to see the day’s play. But mostly it’s because there’s a pall hanging over Australian cricket right now. If it wasn’t for Mr Cricket’s phoenix-like rise and Watson and Haddin’s sheer grit and in-your-face brashness you’d think we were playing an England side presided over by Ted Dexter.

That Ponting persevered with Doherty in this test undid all the good work the selectors undertook in jettisoning Hilfenhaus and Johnson. Harris is a good replacement with a bit of grunt but surely the England lads must be pissing themselves every time Doherty gets the ball. He looks like the duelling banjoist from Deliverance and the parallels between the central act of that movie and what KP has being doing to him recently are a painful reminder of when entertainment becomes too difficult to watch.

The Australian press have absolutely hammered their side for the last ten days. Some tabloids have taken to issuing guidelines as to how to do a rain dance. Others are trotting out (see what Wickman did there) the old canard about South Africans playing for England in desperation. Do they remember Kepler Wessels at all? The selectors and Ponting are said to be at loggerheads with Andrew Hilditch the one getting most of the abuse. Until Michael Clarke got runs last night the knives were out for him. Marcus North needs a bit innings it would seem. Nathan Hauritz’s standing as Australia’s best spinner increases every time Doherty sways past the wicket on his way to deliver another pie.

Wickman’s advice is simple. Sit back and enjoy it. Whatever happens tomorrow we're in the driving seat and it doesn't happen very often. And if you aren’t getting much in the way of banter from Australian chums who have gone worryingly silent get on to cricinfo. Right now its open season on the Ashes from our sub-continental chums who are up in arms about whether a series between the third and fifth ranked test nations is worth the candle… Wickman says it is. It’s been a long time since England played so positively and with such enjoyment. And a long time since Australia have had to overcome their own limitations, a panicking media and a home crowd as hostile as a Headingly Saturday. It might not happen again…

Poor Preparation Hampers First Day in Brisbane

Poor preparation dogged the first day of England's Ashes challenge down under leaving Wickman reeling at the end of the first day.

How could it happen? During the traditional warm up session, while the guys were netting, Botham was rabbiting on about the pitch and Bob Willis was no doubt frothing away about something completely non-sensical in a studio in West Middlesex, Wickman was in complete disarray.

Preparing for the first Ashes session of an Australian series is never normally problematic. You need to think about nutrition and hydration. Wickman booked himself and a cricket loving client into a decent restaurant to set about those issues but soon found himself under the cosh from the start.

A confident attempt at getting off the mark with a cheeky Reisling was cut off straight away by the sommelier who solemnly announced that there was a shortage. An attempt to force away a request for a solid looking Rioja was also intercepted by the same guy. We had to settle for an inferior Sauvignon blanc and a Malbec. Good wines both but not perfect.

The food - something to take you through to lunch at 2.00am - needed to stand up the rigours of 2 hour session. First up there's going to be a bit of moisture around and you need something to absorb it if you are going to avoid trips to the loo at vital moments. Venison loin just wasn't up the job leaving Wickman hopping from butt cheek to butt cheek during the first session later. Bread and butter pudding didn't sort the issue out. And a complimentary bottle of Muscat with the pudding left Wickman and guests over-hydrated

Transport to the ground was also an issue leaving Wickman 10 minutes from home with 8minutes until the first ball after a snafu in Knighstbridge. And horror of horrors when Wickman reached the sofa, turned on the telly and sat down he realised that Mrs W had removed the cushions and put them in the wash. Expecting a soft track which Wickman was well prepared for, he was instead confronted by one of the hardest decks you can imagine with ridges on a length and no give whatsoever.

Which left him in absoltuley no state to spectate the first over from Hilfenhaus so it was no surprise that Straussy wafted at the third ball and contributed to his sense of utter befuddlement. Soon the Muscat came back to bite leaving him totally nonplussed at the score on returning from the traps and having to watch Trotty play that horrible shot to Tommy Trundle's fifth ball.

Things would only get worse as the session progressed as snacks were now necessary to get through to lunch. Ditto coffee. By 2.30am it was all over as the combined stresses of the evening prompted a hypglaecemic episode and Wickman was luckily spared much of the post-tea carnage, comatose as he was.

Wickman has picked up valuable lessons for his preparation tonight. Eating is obviously cheating so he's off for a few jars in Soho...

It's Here...

So finally the most anticipated Ashes series since the last Ashes series begins today. In this correspondent's memory, no England team has ever been more fancied to take an overseas Ashes series since... well... Wickman can't actually remember.

Mike Gatting's side in 1986 weren't really favourites - although Australia were in the toilet it transpired. When we went back out in 1990, despite having been absolutely destroyed in 1989, England using 300 players in one series and finally being captained by a small Dutch boy who's only claim to fame until then was sticking his finger in a Dike and saving Holland - some people actually thought we had half a chance. But England only got close to a win in the 3rd Test and were two down by then.

This time around though there are signs that the Australians are not in great nick physically and more important, mentally. Ponting is not in vintage form and the Australian top six doesn't look to be much cop either. That said it's not as if England are either. What you can say is that with the England team on the psychologist's couch you'd have an easier set of conversations than you would if they were facing Langer, Hayden, Gilchrist, Warne and McGrath.

Going back four years your combined xi would be Langer, Hayden, Ponting, KP, Hussey, Clarke, Gilchrist, Flintoff, Warne, McGrath and Lee. One Englishman. Vaughan was injured and Tres didn't make the trip.

If you had to pick a combined top six today you'd probably go with Strauss, Watson, Ponting, Pietersen, Clarke, Bell. Well, Wickman would. Nothing in it between Prior and Haddin for the glovework.

It gets interesting bowling wise as you would have to pick Johnson. Or rather the one that could find the cut strip. But you'd also have to pick Broad and Swann. And then there's not a fag paper between all the rest of Australia's bowlers and Steve Finn. So, on atmospherics alone, you'd go with Anderson surely? Although Wickman guesses that no one in the Green and Gold would buy that argument.

Wickman thinks that despite the hype in the build up - at least for once England decided to turn up and play some proper cricket and didn't get dicked on by a bunch of contemptuous State sides - this is going to be as tight as 2005 and 2009. There's not going to be much in it. The Australian top six is as good as ours. The bowling conditions will not give us much of an advantage.

And the killer factor. Swanny is a very good bowler. No question of that. But when did an offspinner - or any finger spinner - last take a series defining bag of wickets in Australia? Now this is a difficult question... because with Warney around for so long, the Aussies didn't have to play one for a decade so we've not much to compare. But very few visiting offies have done the business over there in the last decade... so perhaps the one bowler who offers something truly different, truly world class might not be the difference as much of the UK media has been saying for the last month.

Which is all good. While the red, white and blue bit of Wickman would settle for a brutal, clinical destruction of Australia in 11 days of Test cricket it's not going to happen and a tight series with everything to play for on Boxing Day would make for a far merrier Christmas than the last time we showed up, Ashes in our back pockets looking for a fight and were down and out, gasping for air, half way through December.

Where will you be at midnight? Client ents allowing, Wickman will be on Clarky's sofa, tuned in to Sky HD. Probably full of red wine, carefully shutting one eye to try to focus on what he is hoping will be best Australian series since 1986...

HWRCC 2011 - Internal Opportunities

Internal Opportunities

Please take time to read the following internal opportunities and see where you can help the club in 2011.

With the AGM fast approaching we would like to have people in place on the night so that decisions can be made and new committee members elected.

If you are interested in any of the role's below or have an opinion on somebody else who maybe please reply to this email in complete confidence. Please reply no later than Fri 26th November with your nominations.

Thank you in-advance and the committee look forward to seeing all of the clubs members at the AGM on Thursday 2nd Dec.

Hon. Fixture Sec.

Role;

HWRCC requires a new Hon. Fixture Sec to arrange all Pre-Season, Sunday and Midweek Fixtures. (Including Bushy Park League & 20/20 Group Games)

The new Hon. Fixture Sec will be passed a list of contact details for the current clubs/fixtures in place and will benefit from a full handover and guidance where required from the current position holder.

The committee would like to take this opportunity to thank Dominic Lown for all his efforts over the past three years.

League Representative.

Role;

The HWRCC League Representative is not an onerous job and will be reduced even further if and when 1st XI get promoted.

The League Rep will be the recipient of numerous emails from the leagues both Fullers and Surrey Championship and will be updated with all the news relating to the competition themselves.

This role would ideally suit somebody who is regular Saturday player/scorer and is in touch with what is going on in each of the 3 teams each weekend.

Regular use & knowledge of Play Cricket would be greatly beneficial.

The committee would like to take this opportunity to thank Julian Ratnage for all his efforts over the past five years.

Social Sec.

Role;

The social side of any cricket club is vitally important as well organised social events can provide much needed revenue. The WICK is no different and with a willing and able membership when it comes to attending and supporting such events, this is an exciting opportunity for somebody to go down in WICK history.

Under 10's - Colts Coach.

Role; The candidate will be required to assist with the management and coaching of the 2011 Under 10's (and then follow the team through the age groups) at HWRCC.

This role involves 2 hour coaching duty on Sundays between 10:00-12:00 during Apr - July 2011 and the occasional involvement in midweek matches. (arranging teams and umpiring etc)

WICK

Aussie Selection Lessons from Tasmania - Day One

Wickman was absolutely delighted to discover that the final warm up game was on Sky last night. In HD. From Hobart. In his living room. Where his bottle of Laphroig was.

And as luck would have it England won the toss, stuck Australia A in, and we got to have a look at some of the 17 that the Aussie selectors have "picked" for Brisbane. And even some that just missed out.

Admittedly in almost perfect English conditions, Chris Tremlett absolutely destroyed Phil Hughes early on with one that climbed a bit and left him. Nicked it to slip where Strauss pouched it. Selectors get a tick there. They left Hughes out and he looked out of touch.

That was very good news because it allowed us to look at the much hyped Usman Khawaja. This guy is probably Mike Hussey's long term replacement. Left handed. Tall. Touch of the David Gower about him perhaps. He looked classy. Well. He blocked it well. Got in behind a probing off stump line from Shezad and looked comfortable with ball dug in shortish. But then nicked a full one behind. Selectors get a cross. Too early for the guy surely to be put under pressure by picking him in the squad and telling him if he gets runs he might get a debut?

The good thing was that got us a look at Ferguson. Ferguson has already had two looks at the Test attack with modest returns so it was probably only fair to give him a go against our net bowlers. He also nicked one, this time off Bresnan who must have thought he was back in Yorkshire so awful were the conditions. Another cross.

There was time before lunch to watch One Day stalwart Cameron White cleaned up completely by Tremlett and to hear Ian Healey and a couple of other Aussie commentators talking up Smith's batting as if that might get him the nod next Thursday. That he made 59 on a day when none of the Aussie likely top 6 made it past 17 suggests it might not be a bad call... but another cross as he won't play next week as a bat.

Not much to suggest that picking 17 was worth the media coverage. Wickman will be back tonight to see if Smith can bowl. Evidence so far from his one day career suggests we aren't about to see a ball of the century from him at Brisbane...

Cricket Australia PR Lessons

The last couple of days have been a bit of a disaster for the Cricket Orstralia public relations machine. Normally a well oiled operation that exists to crush the joy for Englishmen out of the build up to a series in Oz, this time they are in the middle of giving England a 13th man. The media.

But they aren't being helped by the Aussie selectors, let's face it.

For some reason which has escaped Wickman (something to do with sponsorship no doubt) CA decided to announce their team for the Ashes the best part of a week earlier than usual. Fanfare was planned. Couple of sangers on the barbie outside the Opera House in Sydney.

Anyone in PR will tell you that you can't control the weather for these things so it's not their fault that it pissed down with rain and the public stayed away in droves.

But they can and should have been able to control the media message and push the selectors to man up and take some decisions. But what they put out was in Lord Sugar language a shaaammmbles.

The timing of the announcement went against them. With Katich and Bollinger coming back from injury, they needed an extra week to see if they were fit. Which they should have insisted on rather than come out with a statement to please the sponsors. Because who is cover for Katich? Ferguson or Khawaja? Neither is a specialist opener. Wickman thinks Siddle is cover for Bollinger? No one has really explained.

And why are there three spinners in the squad at this late stage? There's some talk they might not play any in this game. A week out have they really not decided whether it will be wrist or finger? And if it's finger, left or right arm?

With Hussey batting as if holding a stick of rhubarb while facing Shoaib Akthar on a green top they needed batting cover.

The whole thing smacks of desperation and amateurishness. It's almost as if they are hoping that 12 of the 17 put their hands up this weekend and make a statement of intent. Erm... but not all of them are actually playing as some of the bowlers are being rested.

Oh. And the two standing by as batting cover were totally stitched up by the selectors and the fixture card. Sending them out to bat against an England attack in overcast, damp and green conditions in Hobart. Looks like Tremlett and Shezad have probably bowled Mr Cricket back into the 11...

While all this is going on of course the public relations guys have also been rolling the squad members out to the media. Back in the day (1995-2007 appx) they'd roll out Waugh, McGrath and Warner to the scribes. If these guys said they were going to grind England into the dust and shit on them you believed it. What was not to believe? Possibly Australia's grittiest bat ever, the best spin bowler in the history of the game and possibly Australia's finest fast medium man bar Dennis Lillee - all of them had the experience to call the result and the talent to back it up.

This series you get a procession of not quite made it bowlers like Bollinger and Hilfenhaus (have either won a Test against England?) talking about targeting Strauss. Oh please. He's the skipper and the opening bat. And Cook. Durrr. Oh and KP is a bit arrogant. Noooo really? What a snore fest. And then Mitchell "Sprays it" Johnson talking about the same stuff. It's just lamentable. And all it does is remind you (and the England boys) about how the aura is gone. Bollinger telling you he's going to target you? Oooooo scary.

All this makes Andrew Hilditch look like Captain Mainwaring from Dad's Army. Totally inept and in control of a rabble of average folk who wouldn't get into Steve Waugh or Mark Taylor's teams. But then thank goodness. Shane Warne has touched down in Oz. All is well. Someone to speak up on behalf of the team. He's called the selection clever or some such nonsense to paper over the fact that the team is either injured or in terrible shape. You can hear the echoes of Clive Dunn... "Don't Panic!"

With a week to go, sack the media handlers, jettison two of the spinners, make a decision about whether Ferguson or Khawaja is your back up for Katich and stop fannying about. If Australia don't man up now - and England have to go into Brisbane as favourites in an Ashes series for the first time in three decades - Wickman just won't enjoy this at all.

Ashes Preview... Rope a Dope or Dopes on the Ropes?

Rope a Dope is one of the most renowned sporting cons ever perpetuated in front of a global audience. On October 30th 1974 in Kinshasa, Zaire, Muhammad Ali challenged George Foreman for the heavyweight boxing title of the World. Called The Rumble in the Jungle, it is one of the greatest fights ever because the extraordinary hype and build up that preceded it was for once delivered on in style.

Ali lay against the ropes, conning Foreman into thinking he’d lost the plot and encouraged Foreman to batter him until Foreman became tired. Ali then went on the offensive having seemingly taken a terrible beating, surprising his opponent and the whole world into the bargain. He finished the fight in the 8th round and became champion again.

Before Shane Warne bowled “that ball” to Mike Gatting, there was a story doing the rounds that Warne and the Aussies had roped the England dopes that summer. Warne bowled some innocuous old rubbish around the counties before the series began. Matthew Fleming of Kent dispatched him at Canterbury and declared him a bit average or nothing special or some such. But late on that evening when Fleming was back in the hutch reading Playboy and drinking a couple of G&Ts Warney, who had been hiding his prodigious talent, apparently let rip and if anyone had been paying any attention by then, maybe Gatt might have had some forewarning.

Which is a long preamble to Wickman’s first pre-Ashes effort in 2010. And it’s to pose the question what the Devil is going on in Australia right now?

As Wickman writes, despite English players breaking each other’s ribs in practice, Cooky trying his damnedest to look like a broken man, and Swanny taking his wickets at about 25 instead of single figures etc etc it seems that for once England might have a genuine hope of competing in a Test series in Australia.

Because the Aussies are looking hapless. In fact the entire cricketing nation of Australia looks hopeless today. When in living memory did England ever touch down on Aussie soil, give a couple of amusing media interviews, bowl provincial sides out for under 250 (twice almost in the case of WA), no one score any runs against us and all the bats start scoring 50s?

Normally at the beginning of an Aussie tour batsmen who will never even get a sniff of the baggy green rack up giant personal scores against us – flint eyed and concrete hearted men who average more than 50 in first class cricket but haven’t even had a text from Andrew Hilditch and his chums. Then some bowlers we’ve never heard of scatter our bats and break our digits. McGrath and Warne, feet up somewhere in Wigga Wigga or Ayers Bush or Bondi Bridge, take time out from sipping on a daiquiri to pronounce that they will win 5-0 and whichever chump is Captaining England will be McGrath’s “bunny”.

This time? Yes McGrath has talked about a 5-0 score again. But he’s been out in the Aussie sun too much recently and never was much of a pundit. Warney is even starring in a promo for Sky’s coverage in which he’s allowed himself to be shown dreaming that England win.

Reeky Punting has even taken to warning us – in some kind of attempt at per siko logical warfare – that the Brisbane pitch is a bit of a one. There was a recent Shield game in which one side bowled the other out twice for less than 150 to make the point. So a bit of confusion has been sown. But he's been doing it while making those involuntary swallowing motions that make Wickman so confident that he could take him at Poker. At the same time Michael Clarke’s getting it in the knackers from the Aussie media because he’s lost the dressing room. Marcus North (not even sure of his place in the 11) is having to play down chat about becoming the next Aussie skipper. Mr Cricket is looking as if, if he doesn’t get a big score quickly, he might be team scorer by the time we get to Melbourne.

You could be forgiven for thinking that we are about to romp this. So let’s just pause for thought. Is this real? Are people really resorting to the line that Australia are traditionally strong in Australia as the only factor bolstering their Ashes challenge???

Wickman doesn’t believe it’s possible that Tim Neilsen has managed to arrange for Australian cricket to lull the England side into a false sense of preparedness by throwing one and a half games (so far), disappearing into internal captaincy rancour, openly attacking selection (and sacking Merv Hughes AS a selector), getting the press involved so that they slag off all the players and call for some untried (at Test level) hopefuls to come into the side before it’s too late. Oh and to talk up Doug Bollinger (really!) as the great injured hope who can turn things around.

But then he “remembers” (he was six years old – watch the amazing film “When We Were Kings” dir. Leon Gast if you were too young too) The Rumble in the Jungle and Muhammad Ali. Is this one big con on a massive scale? Are we being built up so that come the first day at Brisbane when Punter wins the toss and then grinds us into the dust everyone can enjoy Poms even more embarrassed?

Wickman can’t wait to find out…

Do Something WICK...

Cricket in Rwanda needs you!

As you are aware WICK member Steve Vaid is currently in Rwanda working together with an Aid Relief Charity and local communities to fight poverty and achieve lasting change. However in true WICK style, Steve has found himself heavily involved in local cricket.

Please see Steve's note below;

Hi Guys, just a quick thought, I guess you boys will be putting together a end of season dinner soon? I just wondered if there was any scope for getting together a collection of some old cricket kit for the clubs out here in Rwanda (colts esp.). There is a real need for anything serviceable - whites, pads, gloves, boxes (someone nicked mine in the first game out here and they are hard to get - believe me I have tried!), wk gloves / pads, bats, balls - you know the usual cricket playing paraphernalia. The stuff that we might chuck away would get more than a few more seasons of use out here.

Thanks in-advance for all your help,

Cheers,

Steve x

There will be a collection box that will accept all your donations at the clubs annual dinner on Sat 4th Dec.

Please give generously...

WICK