Sunday xi vs Graces CC - Match Report

                                         

“Until you realise, it’s just a story” Teardrop Explodes, Treason

11/08/13 Graces CC 190 all out   HWR Sunday xi 150 ish all out

They say that a deeply traumatic experience can mess with your mind. So I am still not sure whether  what I think happened on Sunday really did happen or if it was just a made up memory.

Did Charlton really hit 93 off a decent bowling attack that included a Sri Lankan former 1st class cricketer? Did he really make the transition fromclass clown to seriously talented cricketer in front of my own eyes?  I just don’t know, my brain is addled.

I should not really be compiling this match report as my memory cannot be relied on and the scorebook was burnt by the oppo who thought this would help expunge the experience from their minds too, if indeed it actually happened at all. But any thoughts of not writing a report were swiftly put aside because Wickman is currently holidaying in a place called “High Dudgeon”, his intense indignation due to an appalling shortage of match reports.

Not knowing who Wickman is, I am slightly scared  in case he turns out to be bigger than me so a match report just has to be written. But I warn you that there is a good chance that some of the report may be true and some may not be true, the boundaries are blurred – it is up to you to figure out fact  from fiction :

It was a pleasant mid August Sunday afternoon and the greenparrokeets squawked excitedly as Old Man Smith strode into the ground. Smith was skipper for the day after an extended leave of absence (during which, it has to be said, the Sunday team thrived ) and he wandered around the boundary, surveying his domain. Spotting Mo Farah cantering alongside the fence, Smith waved cheerily to the Olympic Champion.

“Can I have your autograph please?”  came the pleading cry

                                   

“No I’m sorry” came the reply, “I have to keep focused at the moment, we are down to 9 men and I have to do the boundary flags. Another  time perhaps Mo”

We were indeed down to 9 following the decimation of the Wick’s 2nd xi the previous day. Nav had dislocated his shoulder when firing the ball back in to the keeper so was automatically ruled out of Sunday  andCharles had badly barked his shin (in fact it was very nearly bleeding apparently) – so naturally Charles also had to step aside. note – Charles has played more games than anyone else this year – so I will not give him further stick.

Fortunately the other Mo came to the rescue and offered his services – his last ever game  for the club according to Mr Bal, definitely, full stop, end of story. So we were ten, but Smith was still hoping for Ian Tong to appear because the previous night he had said that he would play unless he managed to “get lucky” on Saturday night . Smith was surethat the combination of Tong’s shoddily stubbled chin and the side effects of  one too many DBW cheese and onion baps would be more than enough to deter  the most ardent of suitors.

However, Smith soon realised that his confidence was clearly misplaced because Tong failed to appear . Cricket or sex – that age old dilemma.

Rumour has it that Delboy was prepared to play but ruled himself out after he tried just that bit too hard to model himself on his hero, MontyPanesaar.

So , definitely down to ten men.

A tricky conundrum then faced Old Man Smith as Chairman Keith slithered into the clubhouse:  

“ I hear you are one short for today Smith, lucky I’m here really” oozed the Chairman

“No, no,  we’ve def got eleven, no worries, but thanks anyway Keith”shot back the quick thinking skipper.

                               

Nightmare diverted, Smith then quietly advised Joe Hirsch that we were only ten and enquired if he have any mates up for a game? Joe replied that he had no mates, obvs, but did know a bloke who fancied a game but who had never played before. So full quota achieved, we set about the game with gusto.

Having lost the toss, we found ourselves in the field, bowling on a good track that offered a wee bit to skilled bowlers early on. Fortunately we had two such skilled bowlers in Jack Smith and Jack Le Feuvre who plucked out the openers without fuss. Graces xi then sent in their two star players, both Sri Lankans, who played beautifully and built up a tidy partnership.

Mohit was then summoned with specific instructions to confuse the hell out of the batsmen, which he proceeded to do by issuing forth a wide array, ranging from head high beamers, pure filth and the odd snorterand it was one of the latter that proved too good for the star bat whose head was in a whirl by this stage.

Mention should be made at this stage of Joe’s mate, Jack Haldenby,who, in borrowed kit, looked the part in truly his 1st ever game of cricket. His left boot was his  preferred method of halting the ball’s progress, and what a boot it turned out to be, as he stopped almost everything that was smashed at him. In fact the only time he missed the ball was when he used his hands rather than his feet. Heroic stuff from the debutant.

Old Man Smith decided to trundle in and chuck a few down. Despite favouring leg side a tad, Smith managed to castle the Graces number 5 and promptly took himself off to protect his figures . So, with 4 down on a good track, the skipper decided it would be a good idea to send for spin in order to open up the game and allow the Graces to set a decent target. Charlton and Taylor supplied the spin and a steady mixture of boundaries and wickets ended in a total of 190 being posted.                                    

The skipper was quietly pleased with himself for allowing a reasonable target to be set so as to ensure a healthy contest.  The skipper wasperhaps not quite so pleased  with himself after tea as he strode in to bat at no 6 with only 9 runs on the board.

Had we really lost 4 out of our top 5 for just 9 runs? Did Madoc-Jones the very eldest really get beaned by a bouncer from the Sri Lankan opening bowler? Was our tail really so long that Old Man Smith came in at 6? Is Wickman really bigger than me?

Scene set for Charlton to make a name for himself, a time to mature, a time to emerge from the Chedward pupal stage,  a time to take himself seriously.

Damage repair began with Charlton and Old Man Smith building a solid but turgid partnership of 40,  and it has to be said helped by the Graces skipper reciprocating the opening up the game business. Old Man Smith’s demise, which in truth looked on the cards from ball one, saw Stan Kearney arrive and nurdle a few before politely departing to allow Smith junior to join in a 50 partnership with Charlton who had by now began to biff and wallop in all directions with gay abandon. The rest is still a blur, but indelibly etched on my brain are  the following batsmenscores, in order (no names no pack drill):

0

4

1

93

0

9

6

6

0

1 not out

2

Throughout this traumatic experience, the game was played in the perfect spirit. The Graces xi  lived up to their name ( no, they weren’t all bearded Victorians , they were full of grace) and both sides strove to perform whilst maintaining decorum. More than one batsmen walked before being given out which is how it must  be to ensure the survival of  friendly  Sunday cricket  (mind you I was clean bowled so s’pose I had to walk).

A loss was chalked up, but was it really a loss? Didn’t all who witnessed the events, or thought that they had witnessed the events, actually gain from the experience? I certainly benefitted from seeing  Charles,  who was watching events unfold from the balcony, his grazed shin still on the verge of bleeding,  cry into his beer as his bestest chum finally stumbled on his ascent to greatness, just 7 runs short of the summit.

Only 5 Sunday games lefts, lads.  Come on, you can’t keep missing these life enhancing dramas. Sign up, sign up and get in the game.

Ps Mohit – Hopefully we’ll see you next week for your next last evergame for the club.

Neville Marshall Dominates 5th Ashes Test

It is with some pride that Hampton Wick Royal Cricket Club is waking up to the sight of Neville Marshall, in his umpiring garb, festooned across the famous Oval gasometer for this Test. There’s no missing the man. He’s approximately 20 feet tall and unmistakably Neville.

Somehow it’s a fitting tribute to Neville, who sadly died earlier this year, that he gaze down on a Test for five days and that his image is there to imbue the very essence of fair play and great customer service. Because as the memorial service that was so well attended and the celebration showed afterwards, that summed him up to a T.

Neville Marshall was one of those once in a generation people that transform the cricket clubs they are part of. They aren’t necessarily the heart and soul of the place, nor the charismatic leader – but they make sure the thing ticks. That it’s there. That there’s beer in the pipes, a wicket cut, fixtures to play, new folk rolling up. Nev was the Wick Man of his generation.

When Wickman appropriated the name for his “anonymous” online musings about the club he wasn’t laying claim to be Nev’s heir. More the Wickman character was intended as an Everyman who somehow captured the spirit of what it was to be Wick. Which, in hindsight is probably what Neville was to the Wick from 1970 until the early 2000s when his declining health told him that it was time to hang up his umpire’s coat and put the distinctive hat on its peg.

Wickman met him a number of occasions in those times and could see a man perhaps shaped by the time that he grew up in – with strong principles and a straight down the line view of the world. One unfortunate club member who held a party at the club and chivalrously chaperoned a worse for wear female guest home – leaving a dutiful Neville to clean up in the morning - found himself regularly LBW in games where Neville umpired. Whether this was quiet and steely revenge or disapproval for the modern world or simply a reflection of the fact that that particular member played everything off middle stump down to fine leg will go to the grave with Neville.

Later Neville was a source of many histories and was able to trace back the delicate fabric of the club for attentive scholars of Wick history. He told his tales with no hint of malice but with an unmistakeable twinkle in his eye.

Neville was born in Hull in 1937 to Olga and Leonard Marshall, the second of five children – with Hazel, Rita, David and Jeffrey life was a little crowded in the Council prefab in Strencell Road. He was evacuated during the second World War in rural Warwickshire before attending Kingston High School in Hull, excelling in cricket and football. He did his national service in the movements branch of the RAF. His first job was as a Railway Clerk at Cottingham Station and the beginning of a lifelong addiction to cricket through the Railway Clerks cricket team.

He emigrated to Australia in the 1960s on the £10 assisted fare scheme and when he returned made his home in Twickenham and his second home with Hampton Wick Royal.

He worked for many years for the National Licensed Victuallers Association in Farnham. Phil Dixon, a work colleague, said ‘Neville was a passionate champion for fair treatment for the nation’s publicans. Throughout his tenure as the National Officer of the NLVA, pub landlords and their families enjoyed a better life as a result of his work and dedication.’

He was diagnosed with diabetes in his early 1950s and had a series of illnesses and operations but until a decade ago was still the lynchpin of the club. Neville’s grand passion was for cricket. But he had many other interests; rugby, jazz, country and western and stirring classical music. He followed Hull City football club.

When he could no longer drive and mobility became very limited his friends, and the Wick, came to him – to watch sport, eat curry, picnic and enjoy life.

He was described at his funeral by his closest friend as “the kindest and best friend I could ever have wished for – he spent his life helping other people but never bothering to care for himself. In the last few years he suffered greatly but always kept cheerful through it all and was still there for me right up until his very last day”.

It is Hampton Wick Royal Cricket Club’s 150^th anniversary this year. Neville expressed a wish that if people wanted to mark his passing in some way a donation to the Club’s funding programme for an extension to it’s pavilion wouldn’t go amiss. At the dinner his Wick blazer will be auctioned. It will be highly prized.

Wickman's Ashes Review

Match reports are as rare as rocking horse shit at the moment. Tongy's too busy looking like a Chester-based soap star, Benno Stephens has lost his keyboard, Saycey hasn't had much to write home about save that 10 wicket destruction of the league leaders and for some reason no one thinks 180* is worth a few words on Mackie's behalf. Content is king they say... so here's a review of the Ashes series to date.

The first thing to say is that - controversially - both sides have been rubbish for most of the time. This  Australian side is about as poor as they come - only in the Packer era has England found it so easy in living memory to take down the Baggy Greens. But England has mostly mis-fired too and the players are not living up to their reputations.

Until the first innings here the Australians had not managed to avoid collapsing. Their two abject performances at Trent Bridge must have had all the greats that Darren Lehman had brought in to the dressing room to inject some spine shivvering with horror. Only a freak innnings from Ashton Agar kept them in the game there. At Lords they were never in the game and that was despite visits to the dressing room from almost the entire 2007 whitewash side.

But England have been similarly abysmal. There have been some individual performances of note but  the batting unit has failed to fire. In fact it has been a while since they have put together a truly dominating performance. Sure they have won a bunch of tests but Wickman would argue that they owe the bowlers plenty of beers...

England should be killing this Australian side. Clarke is the only batsman they have. Watson and Warner are one day players. Rogers looked good on a flat deck but is at the end of his career. Hughes, Cowan and Khawaja don't have the technique. Smith... please. Wickman has a lot of time for Haddin who is a gritty competitor. But surely this is the worst batting line up the old enemy have put out for 35 years.

England have looked curiously impotent with the ball from time to time in this series. When Agar was batting at Trent Bridge, bowling at tail enders in general and for two days of this test they didn't have a clue what to do next. England have relied on Swann and Anderson to the point where Broad and Bresnan are being praised for individual wickets or balls - because their performances in general would have a rhubarb wielding Geoff Boycott salivating at the prospect of easy runs.

And before the series Wickman was telling anyone who would listen that that was where the series would be won and lost. The seamers on both sides are equally competent. Harris is quality. If he could have stayed fit he'd be a modern legend by now. Siddle would be first on my team sheet. Starc makes Mitchell Johnson look like our old friend Muzzy (Billy). Actually Johnson does that on his own but you catch my drift. Only in the difference between the Aussies and us is that Swann is head and shoulders ahead of Smith / Agar / Lyon - but Lyon deserved a better crack frankly.

Individual knocks have bailed England out. Bell's TB innings was the difference and it was a scandal that he wasn't MOM there. Bell again at Lords was magnificent. And once Root had been let off in the second innings at Lords he too was wonderful. KP here stood up and was counted.

Really England have been so, well, average... that it's only because even this limited Australian side have been in disarray that the series is over already. Lehmann's rather odd decision to play Agar was poor. No idea what he has against Lyon. And who knows what's going through his mind about Cowan, Hughes and why Jackson Bird is on this tour. Wickman worries that Boof - who he thought was the Messiah when Mickey Jaapie was sacked - is getting all his ideas from the Sky commentators. We all know no one has taken a blind bit of notice to Beefy since about 1992. So perhaps he's got the earpiece in to listen to what Warney thinks he should do next...

Wickman would really like to see a big performance from England at Durham. But he has a sneaking suspicion that it's going to be a sporty deck by Test standards and we'll be none the happier at the end of it. Australia will be shot out twice. England will be almost shot out twice. And that will be the series sown up.

In 2009 it went to day 4 of the Oval. And what a series it was. By day 4 of The Oval test this time round it will be all about whether the stewards will let the crowd make a record beer snake...