The Collapse

Wickman has tried to write this post before. May even have. There have been plenty of prompts down the years from England... and from Wick sides. What causes a collapse? Why, when you know you are in the middle of one, are you suddenly powerless to do anything about it? Is it top bowling? Is it collective feebleness of mind? Does the fielding side exert such pressure that you disintegrate? Wickman searches for answers…

So what’s a collapse? We are speaking here not of three quick wickets in the middle of an innings. We are talking of a side that gets completely and utterly humiliated – from either the top of the innings losing four quick wickets and not recovering, or going from seemingly impregnable strength and losing six for 40… a collapse must have an element of humiliation in it for it to count.

It also needs to be quick. A side failing to score at more than 2 an over for 30 overs but preserving wickets is not collapsing. It’s playing hard cricket. No. Speed of fall of wickets is highly relevant. It’s also got to happen after a period of stability. When the oppo have batted like Gods and your bowlers have pronounced the track suitable for landing 747s on and then the cream of our batting is removed hastily, each bat returning bemused and searching for answers, that’s a collapse all right. If your openers have got to 50 with few alarms and those on the side lines are rolling up the shirt sleeves for a bit of tanning, lighting a leisurely gasper and then all of a sudden 7 wickets fall in six overs, that’s a collapse.

At club level the collapse is something that is easily explainable. Club cricketers can go for weeks at a time with few useful nets, a couple of poor innings in between, work, drinking, women… and then all of sudden you are out in the middle with a decent bowler, a bit of pressure… it’s hard to dig in and find the necessary reserves when you need them. The batsman is faced with the certain knowledge that last month’s cover drive is today’s nick off to slip, last week’s safe nurdle to fine leg a leading edge to cover.

Club cricket has its defined statuses. In most xis we know our colleagues. If the chief run-getter of the side is dismissed cheaply, or by pace or by the wickedly turning ball it can send a negative vibe around the dressing room quicker than a noxious curry-caused evacuation in the one cracked loo. Throw in the quick wickets of the mercurial number four and the muscular number five who only comes off once in six innings and all of a sudden the lower middle are gnawing their bat handles, reviewing their last ten innings looking for comfort and no one is talking to anyone else.

No one is coached in this at club level. There’s no sage to offer advice about simplifying technique, or visualising the oppo bowler broken in the bar afterwards. Batsmen have two modes. Block for your life or smash your way out of it when something different is called for.

Out in the middle of course it is bedlam. The same oppo that half an hour ago were anxiously eyeing the scoreboard at 50-0 and contemplating a larruping are now jumping around like fat little nursery children just before lunch on pizza and chips day.

The sheer, unadulterated relief of knowing they aren’t going to get caned and the bowlers they suspected were weak of heart, infirm of limb and had the brain power of potted shrimp now bestride the game like giants sends them into delirium and lends them special powers. The slips become as erudite as Stephen Fry. Cover turns into Billy Connolly. Mid off appears like a ravening wolf in the fold. Even fine leg, AJ like, is sledging. A bat can middle it for four and for all the world the fielding side will give the impression he played and missed.

But it’s back on the sidelines that the damage is done. Speed of padding up causes consternation. Boxes will not fit. Pisses cannot be had. No time for a Gauloise and a flirt with someone’s sister. Someone has gone for fags and comes back - and seeing the scoreboard runs around the boundary knowing he is next in adding to the feeling that the batting side is incompetent, village. The batsmen out are solitary. They mutter darkly of a ball that kept low, a rotten umpire, a shooter, uncommon lift, a bicyclist behind the arm. The batsmen next in are trying to focus while quietly condemning those that have gone before.

Friendly supporters arrive and look up hopefully at the box before shaking their heads mournfully. Some offer scorn. Others look at the condemned men and shake their heads theatrically. Others still bemoan the lack of entertainment to come. Vitriol is stored up in those facing the long walk to the middle.

And then out there? What is it that goes through the mind? Innocuous bowling seems seldom to hit the middle of the bat. Anything that does come out of the middle screams straight to a fielder. The fielders themselves are moved to feats of derring do. An obvious run is spurned. The pressure to get away from the bowling mounts. The mouth is dry. The bat handle feels fat. Tension wracks the arms and wrists.

What’s in the mind is everything. It’s impossible to focus. The most innocuous sledge cuts deep. Fielders exhorting the bowler cannot be blocked out. Every calculation is racing through the mind. The score. The number of wickets. The fact that you are on three and the overwhelming knowledge that you need 50 minimum to dig the game out. That your colleagues are even now criticising you for being too timid, too attacking, too fat, too mentally frail… The bowler turns and runs in and for the life of you, you can’t focus on the ball, just the man. You are already selecting shots. Back over his head? Block it? Push for a single… no back over his head! The feet… just… won’t… move… and you connect with fresh air. The howls of anguish. The heads in hands on the sidelines. The catcalls… and so it starts again. 

The Ball that Changed a Test

So that was a bit of a shocker then, the first Test.

Not only was Wickman confident that England would rediscover form with the bat, Wickman also believed that our bowlers would have too much for a fragile Australian batting line up.

There’s absolutely no doubt in Wickman’s mind that Ryan Harris is an excellent Test bowler in the mould of Terry Alderman and in more recent times Stuart Clarke. Nathan Lyon is a decent offie. But Johnson, despite showing some one day form was hardly the threat he once was... he bowls to the left, he bowls to the right, that Mithchell Johnson, he bowls a load of shite.

The first day and most of the second morning were to plan. The Aussies were dismissed without much fight except from the redoubtable Brad Haddin. Johnson looked agricultural but more than justified his selection as a bowling all rounder. But we blew away the tail and then Carbs and Cheffy settled down to bat through to lunch.

On Twitter there was a carnival atmosphere. Scribes, bloggers, fans and Wickman’s milieu were all pronouncing that the pitch was a road. All the indications pointed towards parity for England by the end of the day with perhaps five wickets down. Johnson came on and hurled the ball down but was about as likely to take a wicket as Wickman’s dobbers. To say that Brad Haddin did well to get a glove on some of it was an understatement.

As with so many things in cricket it was something innocuous that kicked things off. Harris bowled one across a static Cook who slightly hung his bat out. Australia were in business when only a moment earlier they were beginning to look desperate.

A with hindsight scrambled Trotty came to the wicket. None of those watching could have seen any indication that the man was in turmoil… although the fact he was almost slogging in a warm-up game might have indicated… no. We didn’t know. Johnson then bowled the ball that set Trott up, set Johnson up and set the game up.

Who knows if he meant it? He was spraying it like a club bowler trying too hard up until that point but right on cue he lasered one in at Trotty’s heart. It was close to unplayable. Brutish. Lifting. A heavy ball amongst heavy balls. Trotty couldn’t get out of the way and at the same time wasn’t in line. It looked ugly. It was destabilising. It was pure Bodyline. There. Wickman's said it. Invoked the worst of all Ashes words.

From that moment on there was only one strategy. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Eventually Trotty succumbed and feathered a ball that was a foot outside the leg stump to a jubilant Haddin. Johnson had taken a wicket with a superb ball. That that ball had come perhaps two or three overs earlier than the rank half tracker that actually claimed the wicket did not matter.

The rest was misery.

Ashes Eve - Thank God for Aussie Journos!

The night before an Ashes series is one of the most exciting dates in the sporting calendar. Especially when it's an Australian series. There's something super cool about knowing that for six weeks you'll be one of perhaps millions of people wishing the day away so that you can park yourself in front of the television at close to midnight while the rest of the house is quiet.

Many a long winter has been punctuated by a glowing rectangle of green in the corner of the room beating out heat while the outside temperature drops to minus numbers. There's the balance to be struck between drinking the right amount of booze to rightly celebrate this quadrennial pleasure. Too little is not right. Too much and you could well be waking up parched in the middle of the lunch break. And then, for the waged, the knowledge that a hangover at work on a Thursday morning is one of the worst feelings in life - the knowledge that the day will be a trial - and Friday will be too...

What will the series hold? For many years - 20 in fact - it heralded a drubbing. We tuned in with hope only to see Australia bat all day two down or the Barmy Harmy fire the first ball into Flintoff's hands at second slip. Even in 2009 we were under the cosh on Day One and didn't recover until Day Four.

This time round it has arrived a mere 65 days after perhaps one of the least interesting Ashes series ever. Sounds harsh but there was very little to recommend the Summer series in England. Trent Bridge was a massacre made to look close by one of the most ridiculous debuts (Agar) in the history of the Ashes. Lords was as embarrassing for Aussies as... you name your most embarrassing England performance in those 20 years. The series was pretty much over after two games and no one was surprised when the calamitous Aussie batting capitulated in Durham.

So thank goodness for the Aussie press in the run up to this first Test. Baiting KP, giving us the redemption of Johnson, talking up the Aussie bowlers, rubbishing Cook's captaincy, reminding us of the pissing incident at Lords, trashing our change bowlers... Sowing discord and rancour everywhere... Talking up the home side... Reminding us that the arena is called the "Gabbatoir"... It's all good. Wickman is up for it. Wickman wants to watch again. Wickman is prepared to put up with the withering glares as Mrs W goes to bed alone and has no sympathy in the morning... It's the Ashes. the Aussies really care. And if they care, that makes it a contest again after the surrender of the Summer when the same journalists were handing us the urn gift wrapped before the team had left India, never mind started smacking around our schoolboys in bars.

Game on.

2-1 England by the way...

150 Not Out (red ink)

On Saturday the club held a dinner to recognise the 150^th Anniversary of HWRCC at Hampton Court House. 130 guests dined and wined in the company of Gladstone Small and host of former presidents including Michael McMahon, Nevil Tideswell and Graham Mansfield.

The evening kicked off with a drinks reception, followed by a three course supper before Gladstone spoke eloquently and with a host of amusing anecdotes about his time in cricket.

He was modest about his playing career. In his test alone he removed some of the era’s finest batsmen including Border, Greenidge, Haynes, Richardson, Dean Jones, Steven Waugh, Carl Hooper and Gus Logie. He also neglected to mention destroying the Aussies at Melbourne on Boxing Day 1986 which Matthew Engel summarises on Cricinfo:

“Gladstone Small had his moment of glory to help England retain the Ashes in 1986-87. Small, a last-minute replacement, stunned a Boxing Day crowd of 58,000 at the MCG by splitting Australia's first innings wickets with Ian Botham. Small took 5 for 48 and Australia were rolled over for 141. When England won, Small was named Man of the Match, Gladstone Small had his moment of glory to help England retain the Ashes in 1986-87. Small, a last-minute replacement, stunned a Boxing Day crowd of 58,000 at the MCG by splitting Australia's first innings wickets with Ian Botham. Small took 5 for 48 and Australia were rolled over for 141. When England won, Small was named Man of the Match.”

The winners of the awards for cricket in 2013 received their trophies (well – the ones we could lay our hands on) from Gladstone.

Phil Linter picked up fielder of the year for his extraordinary work in the 4s picking up 14 outfield catches and contributing to a run out beating off stiff competition from Ben Stephens (18 catches and a stumping), Alex Dare and Robbie Oliver.

Iain Tong was named bowler of the year for a fine all round season mixing up his medium pacers and impressive leg spin to take 38 league wickets. Fahad Tanveer, with four five wicket hauls and 41 at 16 in the league, was unlucky only to be nominated as were Nomaan (45 wickets) and Phil Linter.

Nomaan strolled the batting prize despite stiff competition from Ian Collier who dominated the 3xi statistics with 442 runs at 42 in a side that seldom passed 200 all season. Zohaak was nominated for his often brutal batting in the 2xi. Mark Mackie was also mentioned in dispatches for his phenomenal 180 not out - currently the highest score in living memory at the Wick. But Normy scored 660 league runs at 55 this year and is probably the only bat in Wick history to have worse average when you take into account his contributions in friendly games. Saving it for the big occasion won him the trophy.

With such a fine all round performance from Nomaan, this year’s Player of the Year was going to have to done something spectacular to nudge him off the top spot. Phil Linter’s incredible all round year in the 4xi, twice inspiring his side to win with 9 men and topping the West Division was almost enough. Iain Tong’s contributions with bat and ball were spectacular too.

But the Player of the Year was Greame Tong. Graeme took on a team following a couple of major defections with the year before’s top bowler and arguably best bat departing and lost the quality of Adam O’Mahoney and Alex Day but moulded a new side that had resolve, grit and passion and took them straight up into Division 4… well done Tongy!

The Chairman’s Award had to be split this year. Two individuals made 2013 a year to remember. Adam Selves organised the first cricket week at the club since the Millennium – three successes against touring sides including The Gentlemen of Yorkshire contributed to confidence across the club and the 150^th Anniversary celebrations including the Victorian Cricket match were an indication of a club in rude health. The tour to Barbados is already becoming the stuff of club legend – for all sorts of reasons. The hard work and diplomacy of Tom Crowther ensured that we made new friends and for those who travelled, new friends and memories for life. Well done Adam and Tom.

Thank you to Keith, Dom, Adam and Jelly for organising the evening and to all the friends of the club who generously donated prizes for the auction – Mark Webster, Ian Geddes, David Fudge, Stephen Riley, Keith Nicholls, Nick Clark, Michael McMahon, Marc Holland and Hampton Court Palace Golf Club. Finally to our sponsors – Grass Roots, Paragon and Le Cloche at The Lion. We couldn’t do without you.

Happy 150^th birthday to The Wick. Let’s have another great season in 2014.

Sunday xi vs Graces CC - Match Report

                                         

“Until you realise, it’s just a story” Teardrop Explodes, Treason

11/08/13 Graces CC 190 all out   HWR Sunday xi 150 ish all out

They say that a deeply traumatic experience can mess with your mind. So I am still not sure whether  what I think happened on Sunday really did happen or if it was just a made up memory.

Did Charlton really hit 93 off a decent bowling attack that included a Sri Lankan former 1st class cricketer? Did he really make the transition fromclass clown to seriously talented cricketer in front of my own eyes?  I just don’t know, my brain is addled.

I should not really be compiling this match report as my memory cannot be relied on and the scorebook was burnt by the oppo who thought this would help expunge the experience from their minds too, if indeed it actually happened at all. But any thoughts of not writing a report were swiftly put aside because Wickman is currently holidaying in a place called “High Dudgeon”, his intense indignation due to an appalling shortage of match reports.

Not knowing who Wickman is, I am slightly scared  in case he turns out to be bigger than me so a match report just has to be written. But I warn you that there is a good chance that some of the report may be true and some may not be true, the boundaries are blurred – it is up to you to figure out fact  from fiction :

It was a pleasant mid August Sunday afternoon and the greenparrokeets squawked excitedly as Old Man Smith strode into the ground. Smith was skipper for the day after an extended leave of absence (during which, it has to be said, the Sunday team thrived ) and he wandered around the boundary, surveying his domain. Spotting Mo Farah cantering alongside the fence, Smith waved cheerily to the Olympic Champion.

“Can I have your autograph please?”  came the pleading cry

                                   

“No I’m sorry” came the reply, “I have to keep focused at the moment, we are down to 9 men and I have to do the boundary flags. Another  time perhaps Mo”

We were indeed down to 9 following the decimation of the Wick’s 2nd xi the previous day. Nav had dislocated his shoulder when firing the ball back in to the keeper so was automatically ruled out of Sunday  andCharles had badly barked his shin (in fact it was very nearly bleeding apparently) – so naturally Charles also had to step aside. note – Charles has played more games than anyone else this year – so I will not give him further stick.

Fortunately the other Mo came to the rescue and offered his services – his last ever game  for the club according to Mr Bal, definitely, full stop, end of story. So we were ten, but Smith was still hoping for Ian Tong to appear because the previous night he had said that he would play unless he managed to “get lucky” on Saturday night . Smith was surethat the combination of Tong’s shoddily stubbled chin and the side effects of  one too many DBW cheese and onion baps would be more than enough to deter  the most ardent of suitors.

However, Smith soon realised that his confidence was clearly misplaced because Tong failed to appear . Cricket or sex – that age old dilemma.

Rumour has it that Delboy was prepared to play but ruled himself out after he tried just that bit too hard to model himself on his hero, MontyPanesaar.

So , definitely down to ten men.

A tricky conundrum then faced Old Man Smith as Chairman Keith slithered into the clubhouse:  

“ I hear you are one short for today Smith, lucky I’m here really” oozed the Chairman

“No, no,  we’ve def got eleven, no worries, but thanks anyway Keith”shot back the quick thinking skipper.

                               

Nightmare diverted, Smith then quietly advised Joe Hirsch that we were only ten and enquired if he have any mates up for a game? Joe replied that he had no mates, obvs, but did know a bloke who fancied a game but who had never played before. So full quota achieved, we set about the game with gusto.

Having lost the toss, we found ourselves in the field, bowling on a good track that offered a wee bit to skilled bowlers early on. Fortunately we had two such skilled bowlers in Jack Smith and Jack Le Feuvre who plucked out the openers without fuss. Graces xi then sent in their two star players, both Sri Lankans, who played beautifully and built up a tidy partnership.

Mohit was then summoned with specific instructions to confuse the hell out of the batsmen, which he proceeded to do by issuing forth a wide array, ranging from head high beamers, pure filth and the odd snorterand it was one of the latter that proved too good for the star bat whose head was in a whirl by this stage.

Mention should be made at this stage of Joe’s mate, Jack Haldenby,who, in borrowed kit, looked the part in truly his 1st ever game of cricket. His left boot was his  preferred method of halting the ball’s progress, and what a boot it turned out to be, as he stopped almost everything that was smashed at him. In fact the only time he missed the ball was when he used his hands rather than his feet. Heroic stuff from the debutant.

Old Man Smith decided to trundle in and chuck a few down. Despite favouring leg side a tad, Smith managed to castle the Graces number 5 and promptly took himself off to protect his figures . So, with 4 down on a good track, the skipper decided it would be a good idea to send for spin in order to open up the game and allow the Graces to set a decent target. Charlton and Taylor supplied the spin and a steady mixture of boundaries and wickets ended in a total of 190 being posted.                                    

The skipper was quietly pleased with himself for allowing a reasonable target to be set so as to ensure a healthy contest.  The skipper wasperhaps not quite so pleased  with himself after tea as he strode in to bat at no 6 with only 9 runs on the board.

Had we really lost 4 out of our top 5 for just 9 runs? Did Madoc-Jones the very eldest really get beaned by a bouncer from the Sri Lankan opening bowler? Was our tail really so long that Old Man Smith came in at 6? Is Wickman really bigger than me?

Scene set for Charlton to make a name for himself, a time to mature, a time to emerge from the Chedward pupal stage,  a time to take himself seriously.

Damage repair began with Charlton and Old Man Smith building a solid but turgid partnership of 40,  and it has to be said helped by the Graces skipper reciprocating the opening up the game business. Old Man Smith’s demise, which in truth looked on the cards from ball one, saw Stan Kearney arrive and nurdle a few before politely departing to allow Smith junior to join in a 50 partnership with Charlton who had by now began to biff and wallop in all directions with gay abandon. The rest is still a blur, but indelibly etched on my brain are  the following batsmenscores, in order (no names no pack drill):

0

4

1

93

0

9

6

6

0

1 not out

2

Throughout this traumatic experience, the game was played in the perfect spirit. The Graces xi  lived up to their name ( no, they weren’t all bearded Victorians , they were full of grace) and both sides strove to perform whilst maintaining decorum. More than one batsmen walked before being given out which is how it must  be to ensure the survival of  friendly  Sunday cricket  (mind you I was clean bowled so s’pose I had to walk).

A loss was chalked up, but was it really a loss? Didn’t all who witnessed the events, or thought that they had witnessed the events, actually gain from the experience? I certainly benefitted from seeing  Charles,  who was watching events unfold from the balcony, his grazed shin still on the verge of bleeding,  cry into his beer as his bestest chum finally stumbled on his ascent to greatness, just 7 runs short of the summit.

Only 5 Sunday games lefts, lads.  Come on, you can’t keep missing these life enhancing dramas. Sign up, sign up and get in the game.

Ps Mohit – Hopefully we’ll see you next week for your next last evergame for the club.

Neville Marshall Dominates 5th Ashes Test

It is with some pride that Hampton Wick Royal Cricket Club is waking up to the sight of Neville Marshall, in his umpiring garb, festooned across the famous Oval gasometer for this Test. There’s no missing the man. He’s approximately 20 feet tall and unmistakably Neville.

Somehow it’s a fitting tribute to Neville, who sadly died earlier this year, that he gaze down on a Test for five days and that his image is there to imbue the very essence of fair play and great customer service. Because as the memorial service that was so well attended and the celebration showed afterwards, that summed him up to a T.

Neville Marshall was one of those once in a generation people that transform the cricket clubs they are part of. They aren’t necessarily the heart and soul of the place, nor the charismatic leader – but they make sure the thing ticks. That it’s there. That there’s beer in the pipes, a wicket cut, fixtures to play, new folk rolling up. Nev was the Wick Man of his generation.

When Wickman appropriated the name for his “anonymous” online musings about the club he wasn’t laying claim to be Nev’s heir. More the Wickman character was intended as an Everyman who somehow captured the spirit of what it was to be Wick. Which, in hindsight is probably what Neville was to the Wick from 1970 until the early 2000s when his declining health told him that it was time to hang up his umpire’s coat and put the distinctive hat on its peg.

Wickman met him a number of occasions in those times and could see a man perhaps shaped by the time that he grew up in – with strong principles and a straight down the line view of the world. One unfortunate club member who held a party at the club and chivalrously chaperoned a worse for wear female guest home – leaving a dutiful Neville to clean up in the morning - found himself regularly LBW in games where Neville umpired. Whether this was quiet and steely revenge or disapproval for the modern world or simply a reflection of the fact that that particular member played everything off middle stump down to fine leg will go to the grave with Neville.

Later Neville was a source of many histories and was able to trace back the delicate fabric of the club for attentive scholars of Wick history. He told his tales with no hint of malice but with an unmistakeable twinkle in his eye.

Neville was born in Hull in 1937 to Olga and Leonard Marshall, the second of five children – with Hazel, Rita, David and Jeffrey life was a little crowded in the Council prefab in Strencell Road. He was evacuated during the second World War in rural Warwickshire before attending Kingston High School in Hull, excelling in cricket and football. He did his national service in the movements branch of the RAF. His first job was as a Railway Clerk at Cottingham Station and the beginning of a lifelong addiction to cricket through the Railway Clerks cricket team.

He emigrated to Australia in the 1960s on the £10 assisted fare scheme and when he returned made his home in Twickenham and his second home with Hampton Wick Royal.

He worked for many years for the National Licensed Victuallers Association in Farnham. Phil Dixon, a work colleague, said ‘Neville was a passionate champion for fair treatment for the nation’s publicans. Throughout his tenure as the National Officer of the NLVA, pub landlords and their families enjoyed a better life as a result of his work and dedication.’

He was diagnosed with diabetes in his early 1950s and had a series of illnesses and operations but until a decade ago was still the lynchpin of the club. Neville’s grand passion was for cricket. But he had many other interests; rugby, jazz, country and western and stirring classical music. He followed Hull City football club.

When he could no longer drive and mobility became very limited his friends, and the Wick, came to him – to watch sport, eat curry, picnic and enjoy life.

He was described at his funeral by his closest friend as “the kindest and best friend I could ever have wished for – he spent his life helping other people but never bothering to care for himself. In the last few years he suffered greatly but always kept cheerful through it all and was still there for me right up until his very last day”.

It is Hampton Wick Royal Cricket Club’s 150^th anniversary this year. Neville expressed a wish that if people wanted to mark his passing in some way a donation to the Club’s funding programme for an extension to it’s pavilion wouldn’t go amiss. At the dinner his Wick blazer will be auctioned. It will be highly prized.

Wickman's Ashes Review

Match reports are as rare as rocking horse shit at the moment. Tongy's too busy looking like a Chester-based soap star, Benno Stephens has lost his keyboard, Saycey hasn't had much to write home about save that 10 wicket destruction of the league leaders and for some reason no one thinks 180* is worth a few words on Mackie's behalf. Content is king they say... so here's a review of the Ashes series to date.

The first thing to say is that - controversially - both sides have been rubbish for most of the time. This  Australian side is about as poor as they come - only in the Packer era has England found it so easy in living memory to take down the Baggy Greens. But England has mostly mis-fired too and the players are not living up to their reputations.

Until the first innings here the Australians had not managed to avoid collapsing. Their two abject performances at Trent Bridge must have had all the greats that Darren Lehman had brought in to the dressing room to inject some spine shivvering with horror. Only a freak innnings from Ashton Agar kept them in the game there. At Lords they were never in the game and that was despite visits to the dressing room from almost the entire 2007 whitewash side.

But England have been similarly abysmal. There have been some individual performances of note but  the batting unit has failed to fire. In fact it has been a while since they have put together a truly dominating performance. Sure they have won a bunch of tests but Wickman would argue that they owe the bowlers plenty of beers...

England should be killing this Australian side. Clarke is the only batsman they have. Watson and Warner are one day players. Rogers looked good on a flat deck but is at the end of his career. Hughes, Cowan and Khawaja don't have the technique. Smith... please. Wickman has a lot of time for Haddin who is a gritty competitor. But surely this is the worst batting line up the old enemy have put out for 35 years.

England have looked curiously impotent with the ball from time to time in this series. When Agar was batting at Trent Bridge, bowling at tail enders in general and for two days of this test they didn't have a clue what to do next. England have relied on Swann and Anderson to the point where Broad and Bresnan are being praised for individual wickets or balls - because their performances in general would have a rhubarb wielding Geoff Boycott salivating at the prospect of easy runs.

And before the series Wickman was telling anyone who would listen that that was where the series would be won and lost. The seamers on both sides are equally competent. Harris is quality. If he could have stayed fit he'd be a modern legend by now. Siddle would be first on my team sheet. Starc makes Mitchell Johnson look like our old friend Muzzy (Billy). Actually Johnson does that on his own but you catch my drift. Only in the difference between the Aussies and us is that Swann is head and shoulders ahead of Smith / Agar / Lyon - but Lyon deserved a better crack frankly.

Individual knocks have bailed England out. Bell's TB innings was the difference and it was a scandal that he wasn't MOM there. Bell again at Lords was magnificent. And once Root had been let off in the second innings at Lords he too was wonderful. KP here stood up and was counted.

Really England have been so, well, average... that it's only because even this limited Australian side have been in disarray that the series is over already. Lehmann's rather odd decision to play Agar was poor. No idea what he has against Lyon. And who knows what's going through his mind about Cowan, Hughes and why Jackson Bird is on this tour. Wickman worries that Boof - who he thought was the Messiah when Mickey Jaapie was sacked - is getting all his ideas from the Sky commentators. We all know no one has taken a blind bit of notice to Beefy since about 1992. So perhaps he's got the earpiece in to listen to what Warney thinks he should do next...

Wickman would really like to see a big performance from England at Durham. But he has a sneaking suspicion that it's going to be a sporty deck by Test standards and we'll be none the happier at the end of it. Australia will be shot out twice. England will be almost shot out twice. And that will be the series sown up.

In 2009 it went to day 4 of the Oval. And what a series it was. By day 4 of The Oval test this time round it will be all about whether the stewards will let the crowd make a record beer snake...

Sunday xi Match Report v Sutton

The Sunday xi Practices Appealing Under the General's Exacting  Gaze

The characters contained in this report are fictional, any similarities with real people are totally accidental. The views contained in this report may not be those of DBW, The Groundsman or Chairman.

A glorious Bushy Park day saw a comprehensive victory for our Sunday warriors under the command of the returning Kit Manager. General Graham being demoted to Vice for the day,  stood in for the toss and managed to win and sportingly insert the position onto the baking Wick battlefield.

Kit Manager returned on bike post colts duties, including clearing deer mines from  the battlefield, to see Private Charles Edmunds ready to lead the charge with Robbie O, (a surprising)  opening pair went into battle. Sutton opened up with a nagging left armer, and a chap who kept bowling wides - all too much for Charles who was clearly suffering from dizziness so far up the order and despite a couple of nice shots went early. 

Robbie O played some nice drives in his 20 odd. Next in, Tall Tong who managed to nick one to slip. Good catch, had the slip not caught it his meat and two veg may well have been a mess. Anyway, Ian trudged off and had a completely undeserved ice cream!  In went Rob Richie a couple of lusty blows later he too was back in the bunker and Robbie had previously fallen LBW.

So Kit Manager went in to partner DMJ who had played some lovely cover drives. Now it maybe the heat,  but a few of the Sutton bowlers  kept using expletives. First up was the left armer to Kit Manager, first ball KM middles one into his pads, Robbie quite rightly gives not out, then expletive, expletive. KM not one to back-down expletives back to expleting bowler that he expletive middled it. Anyway left armer was taken off and young seamer was brought on. DMJ played early and popped one up giving the young seamer his first adult wicket. 

In comes Small Tong to join KM at about 50- 5, the Wick on the edge of an inglorious retreat. Both hit outstanding fifties with GT going on to make a nice 61 not out. Both had to deal with a Kiwi who was so quick back to his mark he could have bowled a couple before the bats were ready -  he bowled off two paces bowling quite rapidly, unable to get the breakthrough, he then started to bowl off spinners, unable to get a wicket decided to keep. A confused Kiwi clearly. This freed up next expleting bowler who went for a few. At same time GT started reverse lap sweeping which seemed to get a few hackles up – Expleting bowler to Kiwi- “bet no one has done that to you before?” Kiwi back to him: “yeah mate actually Martin Guptill did in a state game...”  

 

Kit manager got a bottom edge onto stumps, in came Tim M who spanked a load for a quick 20odd. Taking us to 203 – 6. Credit to GT, who played some lovely shots in his knock. To further note their skipper rotated the 5 bowlers and had mis-calculated putting young seamer onto to bowl last over. Thespian Tim quite rightly dished out a commanding performance however the spanking he dished out appeared to upset the skipper who kept saying good shot. KM umpiring thought that this was rather sporting, however Tim, not one to tolerate a critic was quite rightly not happy and exchanged views with skipper on way to tea time rations. Tim quite rightly pointing out that heckling during a beating performance is not on, whilst their skipper not happy that GT first team skipper was batting at 7. Well all I can say is good job GT came in at 7 as Kiwi may well have gone through us and we could have watched tennis. (expletive!)

Tea good, DBW looking well smart in his 150^th Polo.

So out went the Sunday unit for 40 overs in c30 degrees, Smiths took new grenade. Kiwi into open.  General Smith bowling after injury bowled very nicely however ominous signs as Kiwi started taking quick singles and straight lofting the General for 4s with ease.

The General counter attacking with yorkers and late away swingers got an edge and sprawling DMJ palmed to KM but alas down...Young Cadet Smith seeing the opportunity to get ahead on the family wickets board gets edge from other opener, no let off this time from DMJ.

Then Cadet Smith gets Kiwi with a good one and bowls him 20-2. Excellent spell from Cadet Smith.  On comes off spin of GT and seam of Tim - one each, great spells,  then Robbie and Will take over. Will gets 3 and bowls really nicely, whilst Robbie suggests in front of GT he could be good for a few on a Saturday and gets one wicket.

Other highlights, bit of dissent from a pensioner, claiming he middled one, this was the gentleman who had earlier driven his car into the allotments taking a dent. And some bloke, running onto pitch looking for DBW like a long lost telly tubby lover. Ian bowled some lovely leggies without joy, KM and Charles had last four overs but were spanked, they finished 130 odd for 8.

Then drinks with oppo on very sunny battlements, war crimes forgotten - perfect

Teams for Saturday 29th

Weather for Saturday Home Games...

It's league weekend 8. Some encouraging signs over the last two weeks with both the 2s and the 3s moving away from the trap door. Long may it continue. 1s now just a point off the promotion places. Phil Linter's dovemagentaandblack (racist?) 4xi army have opened up a 3 win gap to second place... who they play tomorrow. Good luck to everyone. See you in the bar... with a Wickwash! Ps #no offence but it's been pretty light on match reports this week. What's a fictional character supposed to tweet about? #justsaying

1xi v Old Paulines (a) Start 1.00
Imran Rashid (c), Nick Maingot, Nomaan Ali, Robbie Oliver, Adam O’Mahoney (wkt), Naveendra  Weerakoon, Matt Kilner, Charlie High, Ian Tong, Matt Davies, Jamal Malik

Meet 11.30

Umpire S Riley

2nd X1 V Chobham Avorians (h) Start 1.00

Matt Rudolph, Ben Stephens (c), Usman Janjua, Derek Soppitt, Joe Hirsch, Alex Jackson, Ted Goodwin, Yasir Admed, Fahad Tanzeer, Aqueel Ilyas, Patrick McMullen

Meet 12.00

3rdX1 v Cheam (a) Start 1.00

Ian Collier (wkt), Paul Sayce (c), Jonny Allen, Tom Simcock, Dan Kemp, Charles Edmonds, Jack Smith, Zohaak Tughral, Schalk Van Vuuren, Nirmal Kannan, Alex Dare

Meet 11.15

4xi vs Walton on Thames (h) Start 1.00
Ed Cooper, Mark Mackie (c), Kirk Laight, Nick Clark, Ollie King, Rob Richie, Mohit Bal, Will Taylor, Jamie Craddock, Phil Miles, Tanzeel Ilyas

Meet 12.15

Collier Wins Week 7 La Cloche Voucher

Here's this week's nominations for the La Cloche at The Lion voucher for player or contribution of the week. Ian Collier wins... but who took part?

1st X1 Graeme Tong starred with the ball taking 5-40 from 16 overs as Sanderstead were restricted to 167. Adam O’Mahoney 47, Nomaan Ali 49 helped steer The Wick home by 2 wickets with skipper Tong hitting the winning runs. Nomination Graeme Tong


2nd X1 Matt Rudolph scored a solid 43 whilst Yasir Ahmed got a very good 68, and then Derek Soppitt and Alex Jackson [who he? Ed] (making a welcome return to league cricket) pushed on with a 50 run partnership to get us to 220 after being on only 20 after 17 overs. Usman Janjua bowled very good off spin picking up 4 for 48. Yasir also bowled some decent spin and picked up two wickets. Nomination Yasir Ahmed.

3rd XI Ian Collier – Carried his bat with 63* managing our run chase perfectly under pressure to produce the 3s first victory of the season. Three catches behind the sticks too including a really good one to dismiss their best bat. Rob Sayce made a valuable 45 whilst the wickets were shared between Alex Dare, Dan Kemp, Paul Sayce [Minty! - Ed] and Schalk van Vuuren. Nomination Ian Collier

4th X1 James Hoppe 4 for 28 and Tanzeer Ilyas 3 for 18 as 9 man Wick restricted Staines & Laleham to 89 all out. Ed Cooper 46 n.o. led the Wick to their 7th successive league victory, winning by 7 wickets. Nomination Ed Cooper [er boys - what a win... 9 men? Really? Bowled them out for 89 with 9 men? - Ed]

Sunday XI For the BPL game Nomination has to be Paul Myers - - 77 runs in the successful chase and a reasonable bowling spell – but what seals his nomination is that half way thru his spell he dislocated his finger with a missed caught and bowled, stuck the bone back into place and carried on.







Player of the week Ian Collier Congratulations Ian

Getting Wick With... Saycey

The Popular Game "Where's Saycey?" Which Saycey Now Knows as "Where's Harry?"

1 Nickname(s): Saycey (standard Wick nickname of adding –y to end of surname), Stacey (think that’s just a misunderstanding of my surname), or Paul Casey [All of these nicknames were invented by Hibby - Ed]

2 Highest Score for HWRCC: 75* v Warlingham (a) in the threes marshalling us to victory

3 Best Bowling for HWRCC: 1 for something. Only took my first Wick wicket against Valley End 3rds recently having abusing my position as captain...downhill with the wind..

4 Favourite Away Ground: Bronwydd in Carmarthenshire. Simply because of the teas - off the map. The Great British Bake Off does cricket teas. Scones, strawberries, home-made cakes. You’ve never seen such competition to play a Sunday friendly.

5 Favourite Food: Can’t beat a post-match curry.

6 Favourite Singer/Band: Like everyone else I’m sure, got a lot of time for Hibby’s post match singing. The way he hits those high notes...Baritone.

7 Favourite Movie: Twin Town. Not seen it? It’s a documentary about how towns become twinned. It’s not really. Black comedy set in 1990s Swansea – my primary school features as do a lot of Swansea’s finest places. Quote-a-minute territory too, most of which aren’t printable on this fine blog.

8 Favourite Book: Catcher in the Rye.

9 Favourite Pub/Club: The Wick. The balcony view, the banter and a selection of beers. What more do you want???

10 Favourite Crisps: Not a big crisps man, but forced to pick I’d go for Sweet Chilli or Worcester Sauce.

11 Favourite DBW Sandwich: For me, sandwiches aren’t the best part of DBW’s repertoire but I’d pick Chicken Tikka. My favourite Mr Kipling of his is the Bakewell slice.

12 Favourite Quote: Ambition is critical – Dylan Thomas. Sadly, the quote is the complete opposite of my batting style.

13 Childhood Sports Hero: Roger Freestone (legendary Swansea City goalkeeper of the 90s) No seriously. Had a great song too.. Replace No with Roger and Limits with Freestone to the tune of No Limits by 2Unlimited and you’ve got it. You’re singing it now aren’t you? You should be. Roger, Roger, Roger, Roger, Roger, Roger Freestone...

14 Best Wick Moment: Winning the Fullers Div 1 in 2008 with the 2s at Shepperton

15 Worst Wick Moment: Bowled first ball of the game at Oxted & Limpsfield in the 2s in 2009. We won the game though thanks to a five-for from Shri Shinde so maybe it’s being bowled out for 69 chasing 230 in my 2^nd game as 3s captain. That was against O&L too. Think I’m away for the return fixture this summer...

Someone Seriously Quick Turns up to Nets

1xi vs Merrow - Report by Tongy

Rumours of cost cutting at the Wick are rebutted when the rain comes in on Saturday

HWRCC 1xi v Merrow 15th June
HWRCC 121-6 (24)
Merrow 69-5 (20)
HWRCC winning draw


Scorecard

After a fantastic start to the year had been somewhat curtailed by a loss and losing draw the previous weeks the 1st xi needed to show some grit if they wanted to overcome tricky opponents Merrow.

The toss went the way of the visitors however and the Wick were inserted on a deck that looked, despite heavy overnight rain, a flat true service. Slight panic had set in however as new recruit Jamal (Gherkingate) had failed to show. At 1:05 skipper Tong emerged to join Noman in the middle, much to the displeasure of Riley who had been barking in the direction of the changing room to try and get the game started on time.

The rush had obviously not given skipper Tong any time to fret over the task in hand, and he and Noman started well. The deck despite looking flat and true was on the slow side but with the boys prepared to use their feet to get down the track boundaries came frequently in the opening overs.

However the forecast showers were about to make an appearance for the 1st time, and a slight shower sent the players scuttling for the changing room. It didn’t last too long however and the Wick were back out and picked up where they left off. Nomi harsh on the short delivery and Tongy strong on the drive the boys raced up to 75 off the 1st 15. All was going very well until the slow track did for Nomi and he sent a leading edge high up into the covers. Tongy cracked another boundary but then perished to the same fielder whilst trying to drive over the top.

Paul Myers was now joined by Jamal who had finally made an appearance; apparently a heated debate over a spare ticket for Pakistan vs. India had turned sour and caused issued with his flat mates, meaning he missed his train. Not heard that one before….

Myers departed and was replaced by Kilner who didn’t have long before rain again halted proceedings. This time it wasn’t one of those almost pleasant refreshing showers you might expect on a June day but a fully hellish horizontal driving rain type. Nasty business. The players were left with no option but to take an early tea and hope the wick drained in time to allow Merrow 20 overs in reply. The minimum allowed to get a game.

DBW was in a creative mood as potato salad, coronation chicken, and crispy bacon added to the egg sarnies giving this week’s tea some welcome variety, a solid 7.5 again from him.

After tea the rain departed but had left some severe puddles in the outfield near the clubhouse and also around the bowlers run ups. There was only one thing to do at that was to get out the squeegee broom. Resembling an oversized car window screen cleaner its perfect for dispersing puddles, no idea what it’s used for a dam good job we have it.

So the game was saved and after much discussion between the oppo’s panel umpire and Riley a revised overs game of 24 for the Wick and 20 for Merrow was given. This greatly played into the hands of Merrow as it left the wick who were on 88 for 3 after 20.2 only another 3.4 left to slog to get up to a decent target. Some hideous heaves and slogs later we had managed 121 off of 24. Mention to Fin Murray who beautifully dispatched their difficult left arm spinner high over square leg into the car park first ball, he may have been bowled next ball but seemed very content with his strike rate of 300. We would have to bowl well to restrict the visitors.

What seemed like a gettable target was actually in truth a very tricky chase as the pitch had become even more two paced and sluggish. Nomi and Tongy opened up and bowled with good control and gave nothing away for the oppo. The batsman had to get on with the job and in trying to improvise gave away wickets. Nomi with an LBW and one nice cleaned bowled that sent the stumps flying and Tongy had two both caught by that man Jamal.

The highlight was the 2nd catch, a sliced drive from their number 5 bat that ballooned high over mid-off. Jamal having to run at full pace and put in a full length dive managed to cling on whilst he was horizontal in midair, a high quality catch indeed. We now had a slight chance of bowling Merrow out for an unlikely victory. All was forgiven for his earlier lateness. All of this was of course great entertainment for the Wick balcony which was comprised of the whole second xi who had returned extremely early (will we get a write up for that 2’s game….).

4 down for 48 and with 8 overs left a slight sniff of victory for the Wick, The new ball was taken in an attempt to force a win but despite a late wicket for Fahad in truth Merrow survived comfortably. However it had meant the Wick could pick up a winning draw and 5 valuable points against a strong oppo vying for that promotion place.

Next week is a huge game as the Wick take on old rivals Sanderstead at home, with second place up for grabs. The weather look s slightly dodgy again, best get Keith to invest in more squeegee brooms….

Getting Wick With... Sunday Skipper Graham Smith

Smith's Favourite Crisp...

He's one half of the new Sunday captaincy pairing, Dad to the best Smith bowler in the club Jack and legendary quiz specialist... but just who is Graham Smith?

1 Nickname(s): Smudger, Twatface


2 Highest Score for HWRCC: That’ll be in 2010 when I scored some top grade Crystal Meth and got so high that I was convinced I was Jesus Christ and could feed the whole of Hampton Wick with a DBW mini doughnut and a Tuna sarnie. I couldn’t. I got the munchies and ate them myself

3 Best Bowling for HWRCC: No idea, but I did get 10 for 43 for St James’s v Goring in 1985 but I never like to mention it ( well no more than once a week)

4 Favourite Away Ground: There used to be a cricket pitch at St Francis Mental Hospital in Haywards Heath and in the 70s /early 80s St James‘s would play the staff – mostly Irish Hurling players – and we would regularly be interrupted by patients, haring across the pitch, usually stark bollock naked and being chased by the nurses – true.

5 Favourite Food: Baked beans on toast with a clove of garlic and butter squeezed into the beans. Oh Man…. But be careful of side effects (violent flatulence and bad breath).

6 Favourite Singer/Band: I quite like that new band made up of The Hairy Bikers and Kate Bush but can’t remember what they ended up calling themselves.

7 Favourite Movie: “When Harry met Sally and introduced her to Chedward” with hilarious consequences

8 Favourite Book: “50 things to do and make whilst fielding in the slips to Tongy”

9 Favourite Club: Mashie niblick

10 Favourite Crisp: Quentin

11 Favourite DBW Sandwich: Hm, that’s a bit like asking “who’s your favourite Nazi?”

12 Favourite Quote: “Don’t worry chaps, Keith is in next” or “get out of my f****** kitchen with those studs”

13 Childhood Sports Hero: Tony Greig – top all rounder like me.

14 Best Wick Moment: about 3 weeks ago in clubhouse bar – having a refreshing iced drink after a gruelling match

15 Worst Wick Moment: About 3 weeks ago, discovering that ice in drink was yellow.